dysFUNction

Your Royal "Highness"

2009-02-22T14:47:00.002-05:00

I'm all for chemicals. They can make you feel better. I'm also for some of the "get high" chemicals. The only one I use is alcohol, in moderation. I used to drink heavily, many years ago. I had a lovely mix of valium and alcohol to keep me going. Actually, I wasn't trying to get high, I was trying to be normal. Those days are over (getting high and being normal). Anyhow, I digress. What I'm trying to say is, there's a responsibility involved when you use chemicals. Aside from the obvious stuff like driving, operating machinery etc., there are other things. People talk about people destroying themselves, that's their choice. It's an unfortunate choice, but still theirs. If it's someone close to you, you do what you can to help. In the end, it's always their choice. Then there are the people who are not necessarily destroying themselves (physically), but they are destroying relationships, sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly. These are the chronically buzzed people that choose to escape this reality 99-100% of their time on earth. They have their reasons. Physical illness, mental illness, whatever. They are on their own magical mystery tour. It works for them...to an extent. Their relationships with those of us in the perceived "real world" become strained. They don't notice much about us. Our moods and needs elude them. They can be wonderful caring people when not buzzed. We know this, but it is not evident when they are in la-la land. They want to share their buzzed thoughts and insights with us, but we cannot share their enthusiasm. It's ok occasionally, like at parties. On an hourly, daily basis, it erodes the relationships with those around you. They have mixed emotions of dread and sorrow. Dread of being besieged with the same nonsense, and sorrow that they can't communicate with the "you" that they know. Chronic drug use is a narcissistic thing. That's ok if you live alone in a room and can meet all of your needs. Just remember, it's hard on those you love. They miss the interactions that are only possible when you are in the same reality. Unless they are high too, it is not possible. It can lead to isolation, because the interactions just don't make sense. So...if you choose to, or need to escape, just remember the sacrifice. Those who love you will still love you. We will be there for you, most of us. However, the interactions will not be the same. Loved ones may avoid you. You won't be able to share experiences in the same way. Others may be saddened by this. If that's ok with you, that's fine. If not, maybe you can think of a solution.

So, You Wanna Piece of Me??

2009-02-08T13:59:00.002-05:00

Some days are like this. Maybe most days are like this. They're all around me....my peeps. I am always at their beck and call. They don't necessarily demand this, but they are used to me. Yeah, I'm the one that's always asking if they're alright, if they're sad, mad, glad, sick, whatever..... I do this to keep my balance. It's not like I don't care about them. I do. I just have to do all this extra stuff, all the time. Always have, and probably always will. I know all the reasons. It doesn't matter. I change what I can, but the pattern continues. So....I hide in my room to try to capture my own little piece of me. I don't know it this happens or not. How do I know? I stare at the TV, I write in my blog. I contemplate stuff....I don't even know what stuff.
So here I am. In pieces, without a piece.

A Brief Summary of 2008

2008-12-31T20:36:00.002-05:00

It was an eventful year. I came close to having a breakdown, but got somewhat better. I still walk the tightrope, as always. Healthwise, my Lyme disease is under control. My gallbladder was removed last June. My loved ones are all holding steady, including my disagreeable, elderly dog. I'm still fat and have no taste in clothing. My sense of humor is intact (very important). I still want to make money online, but have not started anything new. Anyhow, Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2009 brings better times for all of us!

I Gots a New Attitude

2008-12-14T17:36:00.002-05:00

Today is the day. Today, December 14th 2008 is my day of change. I will not take on everyone else's problems. I am not them! It's not my fault if they don't get along. It's on them. So there!!
Take that....and that....and that too. Hey....who wrote that? Surely not me. Not this wimp. Well, we'll see, won't we? Or not.

Hurt, hurt, and more hurt

2008-12-04T21:37:00.004-05:00

I live through others. I feel through others. Make no mistake, it is torture. Empathy can be a good quality, feeling trapped in others' feelings is hellish. I know that it's part of my illness, this low/no self esteem thing that I have. I feel that I am responsible for every one's happiness. I don't want to be the "bad one". I feel that it's all my fault if they don't get along. The pain is sometimes unbearable. Then I get furious at the ones doing the hurting. I mean, how could they? Don't they see that we're all suffering in some way? Don't they know how important it is for us to comfort each other? We are all delicate. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tolerate each other's short comings.

One Month....Not to the Day

2008-11-12T14:48:00.002-05:00

Funny thing, yet not so funny. When we're miserable we're more "real" for lack of a better word. I say we, because I see this all the time. Funerals, hospitals, other sad occasions. I guess maybe I'm overstating the obvious. I'm sure most of us know this. The sad times are the times when you focus on the important things. The connections. Your connection with yourself and others. When your miserable you need to connect. You need the comfort and support. In better times we take so much for granted. The times have been a little better for me. The misery has not been as intense. That is a good thing, but I must continue to connect and not forget what is most important.

Schlocktober

2008-10-11T17:03:00.002-04:00

When a month goes by with no entry it usually means things are pretty good. I had stabilized and a pleasant 2 1/2 on the misery scale. For me, that's fabulous. However, two days ago I plunged to a 5, for no apparent reason. Today I have been at a 4 1/2. Physical? Mental? No good answer. I'm still waging the same war, so who's the enemy????

Plodding Along

2008-09-16T23:03:00.002-04:00

Misery scale is steady at 3. I go from day to day hanging on to my semblance of sanity. I haven't sobbed in a couple of weeks. There have been very brief periods of anxiety, but they have been manageable. Viva la deplin.....maybe.

Oh, But It's Been Too Long

2008-09-11T14:16:00.002-04:00

It's been 6 days since my last post (obviously). I've been between 3 and 3 1/2 which is ok. I just switched to the generic version of my paxil cr. I hope it's as effective and the brand name. You never know. I hope I'm effective! Anyhow, I holding steady/shaky and I'm sort of glad. I want to be better though, but I can't be too greedy right now. Slow and steady is alright as long as it's in a positive direction.

Friday Night....Late

2008-09-05T23:35:00.002-04:00

Holding steady at a 3 (for the most part). I was a little shaky this morning, but it wasn't terrible.
Let's see what tomorrow brings (it's only 22 minutes away).

See Me in September

2008-09-01T19:07:00.002-04:00

Well, September has started with a 3 on the misery scale. Hope I'm not in for a "fall"....get it??
Not so funny, but still an improvement. My goal is to be able to enjoy the people I love. Is that so much to ask? Huh?? I don't have to be rich or famous. I don't need power or control. I just want to make nice memories. I also want to be able to play video poker, but that's not "in the cards" right now. Get it?? "In the cards." Just so, so funny.

Onward and (possibly) Upward

2008-08-29T21:02:00.002-04:00

The last couple of days have been a steady 3. No dips, so that's pretty good. My sense of humor has partially returned so I am somewhat optimistic. I can handle this. I'll try not to rock the boat.

Not Bad...yet Not Good

2008-08-26T14:06:00.002-04:00

I'm still feeling better, but not too steady. I mean, I crawled to the edge of the abyss, but I don't have such a great foothold. The misery rating for today is 3 1/4. Still ok. I keep crawling until I can walk.

A Bit Brighter

2008-08-22T13:41:00.002-04:00

Yesterday and today have been a semi-comfortable 2 3/4 on the misery scale. I'll take it!!!
Some mild angst with a trace of inner peace. The best it's been in weeks. Is it the deplin? Is it the paxil? Is it the cosmos? Whatever...something is different. My life hasn't changed and there have been no epiphanies. Must be chemical. Oh well, I'll ride the wave. I'm buying a round of zero misery for everyone. It's on me. Enjoy.

Yuck

2008-08-19T12:12:00.002-04:00

Yes, I've been a yuck on the misery scale for the past two days. That's about a 4 1/2. Nothing new with the deplin yet. However, a nice person gave me feedback about the deplin. Thanks, you have inspired me to be patient and give it a chance to work. Anyhow the misery pattern has changed making the evenings more uncomfortable. This is new, and not too welcome but wtf.
Sometimes a good sob helps. I feel like sobbing quite often now. That's not the worst thing in the world. Sobbing and pinot noir, maybe that's the answer.

Me again....well who else would it be?

2008-08-16T17:28:00.004-04:00

Today fluctuated between a 3 and 4. It's my 4th day on deplin, my new med. It's a form of folic acid, supposed to enhance how the paxil works. No change yet. I wonder about my supposedly cured lyme disease. Not enough is known about the disease. Well, no choice but to fight the battle. Right now, I'm a 4 (moderate misery). Although, I must admit, I might be getting slightly better week by week. I want to think that is so....so it is! Well, I'm going to check out some meditation techniques. Maybe that will help. Bye for now.

A Little Tough

2008-08-15T14:00:00.002-04:00

Misery scale rating today is a 4 so far. Last night was a 2 1/2. Nice. Maybe I had to pay for it this morning. Well, I'll muddle through, as always. I'll look for the funny, and the beautiful.

What's My Status Gladys?

2008-08-11T16:15:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a 3, not too shabby. Today was a 4, climbing to a 5. Rough afternoon. Almost a panic attack, but not full blown. I'm exploring the possibility of sugar and carbs causing some of these panics, as weird as that may seem. They seem to happen after sweet and starchy meals. Hmmm. I'm not crazy, I just need a balanced diet. Yeah, there's the ticket. Well, ya never know. All the dysfunction in my life had nothing to do with my present situation. Hah! Now, how could that be true? I guess I'll never really know.

Four Day Update

2008-08-09T12:17:00.002-04:00

The last 4 days were 3's and 4's. Same old stuff. I started a new medication today. Well, actually an old medication with a different name. It's a short term anxiety med. A benzo. Been there, done that, but I'm a different person now. I know too much and can't combine it with shots of bourbon anymore. Let me rephrase that....I won't combine it with shots of bourbon. It used to be a recipe for fun. Now, it's a recipe for disaster. Well, so far the pill hasn't worked. I probably need my old dose which was 75 times the prescribed dosage. I have quite an active nervous system. Oh well, I'll keep trying. Maybe a cattle prod will be next.

So, so day

2008-08-04T21:45:00.002-04:00

Today was a 3 3/4 dropping to a 3 by mid-afternoon. Not as bad as yesterday. Right now I'm watching "The New Adventures of Old Christine." I thinks it's a rerun, but maybe not. I don't think it matters. Anyhow, we'll see what tomorrow brings. A new refrigerator, for one thing. The rest is a mystery. What will the misery be?? Stay tuned and see. Is anyone tuned? Like the "Old Christine" reruns...I don't think it matters.

And for today....

2008-08-03T16:25:00.002-04:00

Today I've hit a 4 on the misery scale. I wasn't aiming for it, I just kind of woke up that way. Usually the day gets better, today did not. Who's to say why? Nothing is different. Just my usual funk. I have deficits. I've had them since I was a kid. When I was 19 my head blew open like a big pinata. I've never been the same. Oh well. This week I see my shrink. Maybe there's a magic potion. Shake a rattle over me and cure me. Gone are the valium and bourbon days. They served their purpose. Let's see what's next.

Edgy,Edgy,Edgy

2008-08-02T13:14:00.002-04:00

Misery scale rating this morning...................3 3/4. Yes folks, a little more miserable than 3 1/2. I walk around with this "edge of madness" feeling. Not pretty, not pretty at all. However, not as ugly as some things. Lots on my crazy mind. Small problems seem big, bigger problems seem tremendous. Everything hits hard. I guess you could say I'm a tad bit emotional. What do the shrinks call it? Lability?? Whatever.... I plod on and on in search of beauty and humor.

July 30th

2008-07-30T11:25:00.001-04:00

I'm at a 3 or 4 today. Some depression, moderate anxiety. I'm tryin' though.

Update

2008-07-28T11:22:00.002-04:00

Today is a 3 - 4. I am immature. That is today's statement. I feel immature, and I don't like this feeling. I don't know what I want. I just feel tantrum-like. I don't know if anyone else can understand this. It happens to me quite often. I'm very child-like, but not usually in a good way. I need to take control of situations and feel more like an adult. This is a big problem for me. No wonder I'm miserable. You can't be an older adult and have childish needs . I know this. They say knowing is half the battle. Personally, I think it's one tenth of the battle (at best). The other nine tenths are on the front lines. A real bitch.

The Last three days

2008-07-26T11:21:00.002-04:00

I've been holding steady at a 3 1/2 on the misery scale. This morning I woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach, but it has since gone away. I can deal with this. I'm hoping it will decrease from this level, but I can't expect too much. I'm trying to learn to like myself. I could sooner learn nuclear physics. Anyhow, I continue to plod along (like so many of us). All the best to my fellow sufferers.

Good night....mediocre day

2008-07-23T14:45:00.002-04:00

Last night I was down to a 2 folks...yes, a 2. Slight angst, but not bad at all. I was having some fun. I was with family that I don't see enough. I adore them, and was able to feel it. A breath of fresh air I tell ya. Then....there was this morning, a 4 at best. Moderate misery, once again. That old, all-too-familiar feeling. So, so, tiring. I will see the family again tonight. I'm hoping for a boost. Wish me luck.

The Day After

2008-07-22T12:01:00.002-04:00

Not as bad as yesterday. Maybe a 4 with a dash of migraine. I'm thinkin' about medication changes. I've already started diet changes. I'm looking for solutions. I want to be capable of enjoying life. I want to be a grown up with the strength to take care of myself. Not so easy for me. I know I must be proactive in this struggle. I can do more, I know it.

Boom

2008-07-21T11:26:00.002-04:00

This morning is a 7 on the scale. Much misery. Empty, sobbing, the whole package. I'm going for help today. I must learn to manage these things, but how? I try not to wallow in self-pity, but it's tough. So much never-ending hurt and anger. It just never ends. My insides are twisted up like a pretzel. Well, enough about me. Oh yeah, this is about me. Strike that statement. Anyhow, I'm depressing me. Gotta go now.

Double Entry Today

2008-07-20T10:24:00.002-04:00

Didn't have a chance to enter my misery yesterday. It varied throughout the day from a 3 to a 5. By evening I was tired enough to sleep pretty well. This morning I'm at about a 3 1/2, that's OK for now. I hope I can get it down to a 2. That would be nice. I don't want to ask for too much and set myself up for disappointment. Have a pleasant day everyone (or anyone). Look to the "0" (zero)...ironically the highest achievement on my newly invented misery scale.

Friday....

2008-07-18T09:44:00.001-04:00

Better morning. 3 to 4 on the misery scale, which today is light to moderate. Not bad. Yesterday picked up a good bit throughout the day. Dare I be cautiously optimistic? Dare I? We'll see, won't we?

Uh-Oh?

2008-07-17T10:20:00.002-04:00

This morning is not good...so far. The misery scale is at 5 to 6. Burning skin etc. I will push through the day and check in later. Sometimes there's a little reprieve shortly after I wake up. Maybe that will happen. I'll try to make it happen. Bye for now.

Today....I'm 4.

2008-07-16T10:22:00.002-04:00

I'm just thinking that this misery scale can be very boring. However, I must report that today, so far, I am a 4. That is, moderate misery with only a slight feeling of going totally insane. Not too shabby considering the previous two days. I'm "hangin in" as they say. Oh...and the weather today is hot and humid. I might as well report on other things. By the way, does anyone else wake up some mornings feeling like their skin is on fire? Just checking. Have a nice day everyone, and may your misery scales be at 0.

Tuesday, July 15th

2008-07-15T10:51:00.002-04:00

The misery rating for today (so far) is 5. Moderately scary. I am somewhat anxious and have a slight knot in my stomach. I'm alternating from feeling angry to feeling like crying. I think I can function today, although not comfortably. That's ok. Functioning is key. I ate decently this morning, even though I wasn't hungry. I hope that it helps my mental/emotional state. Anyhow, maybe I will report in later if there's time. For now, onward and hopefully, upward!

The Misery Scale

2008-07-14T17:38:00.002-04:00

I am creating an emotional "barometer" if you will. It will be called The Misery Scale (thus the title of this post). It may sound a bit depressing and pessimistic, but it works for me. The scale will be from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst. It will go from only slight misery (1) to horrific panic and despair (10), with 2 to 9 being various levels of misery. Today was an 8 bordering on 9, pretty bad, but not the worst. I am presently at a 6 which I would consider moderate anxiety and despair. I'm hoping one day to change this to the happiness scale, but right now it wouldn't be appropriate. I do, however, have that as my goal. If anyone reading this wants to join in on the misery scale feel free to share. After all, misery loves company.

Again

2008-07-14T14:04:00.002-04:00

Huge panic attack today. It has now subsided, but the after shocks continue. Those who have had panic attacks might understand. Depression and depletion always follows. It is my fault. I had 3 cups of coffee this morning. I couldn't get away with it, not this time. When someone else is having an attack I can comfort them and tell them that it will pass. When I am having one, I know it is the end. I will either die, or end up in a hospital. It's always a horror. Now it's the depression and the anger. Anger at myself, anger at the hand I was dealt. I know there are so many who are worse off, but this is my lot in life. I really do want to enjoy life. I want to like myself. How much of this is physiological? I need to do more to help myself. I'm in my late fifties and enough of this misery. There are things down the road that I have to face with courage. This condition makes me feel terribly weak, and I hate it. Only I can help this, I know. It's a war within. I have to keep fighting.

As if

2008-07-13T12:20:00.002-04:00

As if I could change anything. I wake up with a feeling of despair. There are things I cannot control. Almost everything, actually. I try to change things, but in the end they do what they are going to do. I can only change me...or can I? Would I just be pretending to change? Maybe pretending is the reality of change. Fake it til you make it? Do you ever make it? Some seem to make it, others not. We all just want to feel ok. Don't we? Feeling ok can be a monumental task though. Just ask me. Feeling ok is just acceptance I guess. Don't really know. What a fragmented post this is. What a fragmented person I am. I'll try to do better, whatever that is.

Lemon Cake

2008-07-06T17:18:00.002-04:00

I bought a package of Betty Crocker lemon cake mix today. It was on sale. I will make it tonight. I become very stressed trying to follow recipes. Even if I only have to add an egg, I know it will be the wrong sized egg. One cup of water they say. What if I lose a drop? Such pressure. My baking friends say, "It's not rocket science ya know." Rocket science would be easier. I will worry until the cake is done. This worry will replace all of my other worries tonight. It's an easier worry, that's why it's therapeutic. There is some sense in this. If life gives me lemons, I give life Betty Crocker lemon cake. Then I take a pill.

Time for a Post

2008-07-03T16:00:00.002-04:00

Hi my little bloggie. I haven't made an entry in a month. Too, too, long. I've been busy with my many exercises in futility. Even after stopping the Abilify three weeks ago, my sense of humor is not back. Not even a little. I have what my psychiatrist called "the blahs". I've had a couple of months of these blahs. I know I should try to combat these things, as they compromise my quality of life. I'm hoping the writing will help. It always has in the past. I am immature and self-indulgent. There it is. I don't think others necessarily see me that way, but I know it to be true. I'm also really self-critical, which would be ok if I made some changes. However, I go around the same circles over and over again. I need to change. It is my responsibility. I need to do better. I will try. I will also try to like myself more. Then, maybe, I can be a better person and friend. We'll see. I wish I could start laughing again (but not too much, that would be crazy).

Abilify Blues

2008-06-03T13:16:00.000-04:00

Haven't had the desire or energy to blog lately. I think the Abilify has totally blocked out all motivation. I'm on half the dose right now. Still lacking in feeling for just about anything. I also have a cold. No joy in Mudville today. Oh well, at least I can type out a few sentences. I WANT MY SENSE OF HUMOR BACK!! Nothing's funny right now.

Why Do I Run?

2008-05-04T17:31:00.002-04:00

When I was a kid I had a favorite cousin. She was soft spoken, nice, and probably a genius. She graduated college at 16 and med school at 21. She spent most of her short life doing cancer research. The radiation they used in those days probably killed her. She died at 36 from some kind of lymphoma. She gave me a medical dictionary that I have to this day. In the midst of all the noise in my house, she would sit down and talk to me, and actually listen when I answered. The thing is, every time she came to visit I would run upstairs to hide. I loved her, but I would hide. It was too much to bear. The phrase "I'm not worthy" comes to mind. What made me hide? In my child's mind I could not verbalize the feelings. Now I know. I'm just not good enough. If I feel that people really care about me, I get scared. If I really care about them I get scared. It looks bad for an adult to run and hide, but that's what I do. I hide, and then hate myself for hiding. When I finally do see these people, I try so,so, hard to please that I am exhausted. I want them to love me, but I don't want them to need anything from me. This is because deep, deep, down I feel that I am nothing. Intellectually, I tell my self otherwise, but the emotions haven't changed. That's why I fall apart. What can I hold onto within myself? Self hatred is hard to change. All the affirmations in the world offer little help for me. Well, life constantly changes, maybe I can continue to fight the current. We'll see.

Sponge Bob and Me

2008-04-19T15:47:00.003-04:00

Macy's had a one day sale. Let's all cheer. Shoes that were made in Bangladesh for 4 cents and sold for $120.00 were only $75.00. Way to go Macy's. I myself, had to go to the Womens' section. Yeah, you know, the BIG girls. They call them women. Are the little skinny ones women too? Well...yes, but they are petite. Some of us, like me, are "petite" women. That means we are square. The women's clothes that fit us in the waist are too long. The petite clothes are the right length (sometimes), but are tight in the middle. The women on my mother's side were all square. Short little square Russian women. They all wore housecoats, so it didn't matter. They never went out anywhere, they just took care of the men folk. I like to wear loose fitting stretchy things. Walmart is just fine with me. There are many other square ones that shop at Walmart. It's cheap, and caters to the square, non-dressy people. Macy's is another story. They like the shapely people. Don't get me wrong, there are many shapely Walmart shoppers, but there are also square sections that go by the name of "Womens' Petite". Anyhow, I tried on about 3,754 pairs of pants....well maybe 6 or 7, but that was discouraging enough. The tops fit in the stomach, but were too long. The usual problem. So as I sit here typing this in my size 18 stretchy capri jeans (which almost reach my ankles), I think I'll wear my Walmarts to the sushi place tonight. I have some really nice earrings that I got at Macy's today. The earrings fit perfectly!

Point of Reference

2008-04-07T18:39:00.004-04:00

What is it really like to feel "fine"? When people are physically ill we can clearly see that they are not fine. People with emotional and/or mental problems are not always so obvious in their not-so-fine-ness. You have your severely depressed, who can't get out of bed. You also have your screaming maniacs who are just stark raving mad. Then there are the others. The ones that function from day to day and seem "just fine." They wear the mask. Those are the people that have lived with a certain degree of emotional pain all their lives. I don't mean the normal ups and downs that most people have. I mean moderate to severe angst. How do I know this? I consider myself to be a moderate to severe angst person. It's not the worst thing in the world, but it's not easy. You may argue that most people don't have it easy. No, they don't, but the "average" person is emotionally equipped to handle the ups and downs of everyday life without crumbling. Having played the violin, I can offer this analogy. The "E" string is the thinnest and most tightly wound string. It has the highest pitch. You should always have plenty of E strings because they break all the time. They can't take as much stress as the other strings. It's also the hardest string to play without scratching or making a horrible noise. I am an E string. I break frequently. There is not a spare me. I can make some nice music sometimes, but I could break at any time. People can't tell how I feel, even if I try to explain. My actions tell them otherwise. It's like learning to walk on a broken leg. After several years you can mask the limp really well. I live for beautiful moments. I never forget the beautiful days. The last time I had a panic free day was May of 1989. I was on a boat, and was completely relaxed. It was amazing. I basically live for moments (as I've said before). Moments of "fineness" mixed in with hours of moderate anxiety. Some days there is severe anxiety. That pretty much sums up my "fineness". I can't speak for anyone else, and they really can't speak for me. So, how is everyone today??? Fine, I hope!

As Predicted....

2008-03-27T19:16:00.002-04:00

The misery has lessened! Nature, nurture, chemicals, ..who knows? Not me, that is certain. I'm back to my abnormal state of kind of. Kind of depressed, kind of panicky, kind of ok. Maybe even a little better than that, thanks to my new BFF, Abilify. I took the Abilify plunge (as previously stated ad nauseum). My mood lifted enough for me to finish my kitchen floor. I bought one of those glueless, interlocking floors for a very cheap price. The floor looks pretty good. I made more than a few mistakes (as always), but none that I can't almost cover up. Anyhow, things are somewhat better. Sometimes I feel a little overly animated and chatty, but I was that way before the Abilify. I asked friends and loved ones to inform me if I start acting crazier than usual. No red flags so far. Well, that's all for now. I'll write more when I feel a little less shallow.

Status Quo

2008-03-18T09:46:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling better. Isn't that a relief? I know my reader(s) were waiting for me to turn the corner (ha-ha). I apparently live in a circle, so there are no corners to turn. I just make trips around the circumference. Some trips are slower than others. This one was quick. Still lookin' for that straight line. Maybe they'll come up with a medication that will really improve your self esteem, instead of just giving the illusion of better self esteem. Would it make a difference? Is there a difference? Anyhow, these are the things that we will ponder on this episode of "My Wild, Wacky, Yet Somehow Boring Adventures."
Please tune in to my next episode, especially if you have insomnia!

Lighten Up Already!

2008-03-12T13:10:00.002-04:00

The title was addressed to me (who else?). I've been gloomy and doomy for the past week. Nervous breakdowns will do that to you. Well, I think I should mix in a little levity with the heaviness. Maybe I'll call it heavity. For example- it's a little sad that I feel so infantile at these times, however I really did enjoy watching The Backyardigans. Boy can they dance!! There you go....heavity. That's a perfect description of my life. Lot's of gloom mixed with humor. Gloomor.
I'm sure these new words would describe lots of peoples' lives. Do the dictionary people pay for these kinds of things? If so, I'm claiming these as my words!

It's a New Week

2008-03-10T11:14:00.002-04:00

Better morning. Not too much burning skin stuff. I took my second dose of abilify. I feel no difference, which so far, is a good thing. I detect a little optimism in my mood. I like that, I like it alot!! A little is better than none (overstate the obvious). I gave my blog address to close family and friends. Even though this is my not-so-personal diary, I worry that they will worry. I want to write this as if I'm free to express anything I'd like. That having been said.....close friends and family. Do not worry. I've been riding this coaster for 50 some years. If anything defines who I am, it's about the ride. I don't know if that even made sense, I hope it did. Blame it on the abilify, the planets. Hell, blame it on Rio (remember that movie?). Anyway, it's nice to imagine interacting with all of you. The next ride will leave shortly.

Sunday

2008-03-09T18:16:00.002-04:00

This morning wasn't as torturous as yesterday morning. I still have the underlying fear and despair, but I was able to function. I even went to the supermarket. I finally, finally, took the abilify this morning. Yes, I broke the ice. Actually, I don't feel any different....I think. Seeing as nothing scary happened, I will take tomorrow's dose. Japanese proverb- Fall Down 7 Times, Stand Up 8.

Still Saturday

2008-03-08T14:28:00.002-05:00

It's afternoon now. I'm feeling a bit better right now; still exhausted, but less agitated. I found a really nice web site called Daily Strength. It has support groups for lots of physical and mental ailments. There are tons of features. I will put a button for the site on the blog. It's not an advertisement, just a recommendation. There is no money involved. Anyhow, my eyes are closing as I write this. I bore me!!

Saturday

2008-03-08T10:28:00.002-05:00

I'm not going on the planned trip. The decision was both relieving and depressing. I wouldn't have been able to interact well with anyone. It would have just added more stress to my already stressed out system. I am torn between trying to be strong and pampering myself. Last night I was very relieved and almost felt ok. This morning sucks. It's kind of torturous...no, it is torturous. Exhausted feeling, very depressed, burning skin anxiety that at times feels unbearable. I so want to feel better. I try to keep moving. When I sit, the feelings overwhelm me. When I move, I break out into a sweat. I didn't think I could get back to this low level. Surprise, surprise. Later, I will take an abilify. Throw caution to the wind. What the heck.

Blog Has New "Slant"

2008-03-07T09:42:00.002-05:00

This blog has now become my daily "breakdown" diary. Also, I can't help but notice how much I like to use quotes. The morning has been tough, like it always is during these times. I got out of bed, had a tiny bit of coffee, and then walked my dog. I felt more and more anxious during the walk home. By the time I got to the door, the burning skin/despair feeling had returned. I didn't have too much of that yesterday, it was a better day (at this point). I'm getting closer to making a decision about a trip to see my family. We're driving, and it's a two day trip. I keep changing my mind. When I feel a little better, I think I can make it. When I feel worse, I know I can't make it. If I stay home, I will be alone to deal with my demons. If I go, will I be able to interact with the children? If not, I'll feel like a burden on the family. Only I can decide. I have atarax for my anxiety, but I don't want to sleep the day away. Then again, maybe I need to sleep. When I started typing this, I felt agitated and was crying. Now I feel depressed, agitated and exhausted. It's infuriating. There are people all over the world in terrible physical shape. They can't walk the dog. They're in chronic pain. I guess it's the stigma of mental illness. It seems like self indulgence and laziness. I have to continually tell myself that it's an illness. A nasty illness. I tell other people that, it's true for me too. Anyhow, I'm fifteen minutes from the beach. If I don't take the atarax, I'll try to drive there. The ocean helps..always. Even if only a little. My heart goes out to fellow sufferers, no matter what the malady. Hang on.

The Day After

2008-03-06T18:28:00.002-05:00

Still here today. I took an atarax to sleep last night. Today was better. Not good, but better. I'll take it. Now, as I write, my skin is burning again. I guess the nerve endings are doing their little thing. I also have this exhaustion going on. The old agitated exhaustion I've come to know and hate. The abilify is waiting. I think it has followed me from the bedroom to the living room, but I'm not quite sure. Take me, take me, it says. My psychiatrist says so too. I will try it. Not tonight though. I'm alone in the house. No safety net tonight. I'll muddle through.

This Day

2008-03-05T15:26:00.002-05:00

The torture continues. I'd like to write and write and write somemore..until it gets better. Here it is. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. Even reading my posts, I should have known. Horrible feelings...these. Burning skin, agitation, exhaustion, loss of self. Loss of self is the worst. I thought I had more of a self. Then again, maybe it's physical, but I don't know. Whatever it is, it's torture. Will a medication help? I hope so. It's a familiar torture. Intellect vs. emotions. Don't let the emotions take charge. I must get through this. Only I can do this. I am determined!

No Answer, Just no answer

2008-03-05T11:11:00.003-05:00

Will writing help? Maybe. I woke up a little shaky this morning. Usually it gets better. Today it hasn't. I feel awful right now. Anxious, depressed, all that stuff. I need to be an adult and cope with this. I feel like a hurt child. My oh my. It's a combination of physical and mental. I can feel it. I try to just breathe. Just breathe. Worst feelings I've had in years. Every day is different. Just hold on. Keep that sense of humor. Look for the good. Was it something I ate? Was it everything I ate?? Like the title, just no answer. I cry as I write this. For some reason I need to cry. Is there never ending hurt? I guess. Crying is good. Not too great in public, but ok now. Keep that burning desire to feel good. I know I have that. It's not obvious, but it's there, or I wouldn't be here. Writing does
help. I can feel it. Thanks blog. Thank-you fingers, mind, and heart. Thanks to whoever reads this, just for taking the time.

Don't Vilify The Abilify

2008-02-28T18:24:00.002-05:00

I have a great psychiatrist. I mean she's everything you would want in a shrink. Knowledgeable, caring, smart, the whole package. Being a people pleaser, it's really tough for me to reject her suggestions. However, when it comes to psychotropic drugs, I am very resistant. I have tried many different medications for my disorder. Some worked, some didn't, some caused my fragile little world to collapse. When my world collapses, it is hellish! I have to then struggle to rebuild my psyche. Many times, I felt like it was "the end." I don't know if I could take another breakdown. I saw my doctor a couple of days ago. She knows things have been very difficult lately, and wanted me to supplement my paxil with abilify. It's a very small dose. The data says that it helps stabilize moods when taken with other antidepressants. I guess there have been some good results. This is all doctors have to go on, I understand this. Even if they tried each medication themselves, how would they know how each individual would react? Go to any medication website. You will hear the good with the bad. It doesn't help much. You can only know by trying the pills. The last time I had extreme anxiety, I took a pill that had worked in the past. For whatever reason, it did not work that night. Not only didn't it work, but I had a surreal, frightening feeling for the next two days. That was a small dose too. So, the abilify sits on my nightstand. When I'm in the midst of a panic (quite frequently this week) the pills start calling me (figuratively, of course). "Take one of us, we're only 2 mg, what can it hurt?" When the anxiety subsides, the little pills change their tune. "Take just one of us, and we'll push you the rest of the way off of your cliff; all the way down to insanity valley,where you'll never leave..ha,ha,haaaa." So this is my current dilemma. What to do. Well, I must decide....or not. Later this evening, if you hear a tiny explosion coming from a far corner of the universe, it may just be the sound of my soul shattering. Please, don't blame the abilify, it cannot perform miracles. If you see an ad, or hear another success story about the medication, please offer a moment of silence for those who were not "abilifiable".

Scary Circle

2008-02-27T17:36:00.003-05:00

The old expression, "We've come full circle." I guess it's kind of a neutral statement. As I sit here tonight, I'm wondering if I have indeed come "full circle" in not such a great way. Years ago, when I was in the music profession, I relied on valium and alcohol keep my anxiety at a tolerable level. Eventually I felt enough was enough and decided that I'd rather leave the profession than take this dangerous cocktail. Well, after I opened up the pinata that is my mind, I wondered if I had made the right decision. That was twenty-five years ago. I still wonder. I never went back to the heavy drinking and valium. I also never went back to music. No great loss to the music profession or myself. It's the daily struggles with life itself. I know I've said that it's worth it to be able to feel the good things too. Lately, the good feelings have been scarce. The scary, anxious feelings have been plentiful. Not fun. Tonight, I sit here with a glass of wine on my nightstand
(after having taken my paxil). The paxil is a daily thing, the wine is new for tonight. The fear and panic were a bit overwhelming today. I guess it's not quite full circle from the valium and alcohol days. I think I know too much at this point. It's hard to block out what you already know. Too late. I just need a little extra help to ride tonight's wave. I'm not very good at surfing. Panic beach has some huge, nasty, waves. Better to lie on the paxil/merlot blanket.

Today

2008-02-27T14:29:00.002-05:00

I'm depleted. It happens sometimes. Some say depressed, I say depleted. The depletion is mixed with anxiety, skin burning anxiety.
Extreme fatigue is also in the mix. Chemical?? Maybe, maybe not. I don't have much of a core,ego,whatever. It disappears easily. I'm writing now to preserve whatever little I have left. I could be physically sick, but I really couldn't say right now. Who knows? Not me. I've had a few jolts to my nervous system lately, I know they contributed to my depleted state. It doesn't take much. I have to try and rebuild. I can't afford to lose much more of me. There will be nothing left. Need to feed that soul. It starves sometimes.
Fat body, skinny soul. I could go on and on, but I'm boring me.

Would I Trade?

2008-02-17T21:44:00.003-05:00

If I were to tell the story of my life some people might say, "What a shame."I would talk about a stressful childhood, nervous breakdowns, heavy drinking, alienation...on and on. I would tell about wasted talent (so I've been told), underachievment, terrible money management. So many negatives, or perceived negatives. Here's the catch though..I think I'm for real. I'm not saying I'm terrific, or wonderful, just for real. There is no pretense. I know this. I started looking inward at a very early age, thus the heavy drinking started. It was too painful at the time. Years later I started from the beginning, like an infant. Chronologically I was in my thirties, but emotionally I was an infant. Now in my fifties (late fifties at that), I'm still somewhat infantile, but I'm trying to grow. The growth is tough. I'd say more bad moments than good. I'm on medication, and probably couldn't function without it, but that's ok. I feel the emotional pain deeply, but on the other hand, I feel the joy and love deeply. There are just some things that touch the soul in a profound, beautiful, way. Children, friendship, beautiful music, animals, nature, all that "corny" stuff. Those wonderful moments I wouldn't trade for anything. I have those. Hours of misery for moments of joy. I guess there are some people that have the opposite, they are very fortunate. There are also people that seem to stay on the same, superficial level. They blot out the bad however they can, but they also give up the good. Now that's a shame! Personally, I'd rather have the trade-off. Most of the great works of art and literature were born of extreme angst. If you close the door, you close it to everything. Well, my door is wide open, who knows what may wander in next? I'll let you know.

The Truth About Salsa Revealed!!

2008-02-15T21:58:00.003-05:00

I feel that the time is right to discuss this very serious issue. I believe that the various companies that produce salsa have grossly misrepresented their products. I, for one, am incensed and outraged. This evening I decided to make one of my gourmet meals which involved blue corn chips, shredded cheddar cheese and "medium" salsa. Now, what medium means to me is a little spicy. Mild means almost no spice, and hot would mean really spicy.
Well, after I slaved under a hot microwave for 45 seconds, my masterpiece turned out to be inedible. That's right...inedible. My tongue burned with every bite. I had to toss out my beautifully presented dish. All gone, ruined by the evil salsa. In the aftermath of the incident a painful memory surfaced. Oh yes....it was the great salsa disaster of 1997. How could I have forgotton the searing pain, and the seemingly endless supply of water needed to control the situation. They must be stopped. The Ortega's, Pace's, Chi-chi's, and other salsa empires. Innocent tongues are being burned! I implore all of you...or you, or maybe just me, to put a stop to this madness. Anyhow, it's time for my meds. Have a nice day :).

Floodgates

2008-02-10T18:27:00.000-05:00

Please,please, don't let them open. One trauma after another lately. It's a shaky night for me tonight. I feel exhaustion, depression, apprehension, lots of bad stuff. Sad things are happening all around me. I absorb the sadness, it's just how I'm wired. I sit here grasping the edges of my little figurative raft just waiting for the storm to pass. Just hold on and wait. That's all I can do. I wish for healing for all concerned, myself as well. Hold on..and hope.

Listen to me.....just listen!

2008-02-05T23:28:00.000-05:00

I call myself (and have been called) a chaos magnet. It sounds like a bad thing, but it's all in your perspective. I have this "aura" about me that seems to welcome other people's misery. I'm not trying to say that I'm some kind of martyr or anything. It's just that I've often had total strangers start talking to me about their problems. I once said "How are you?" to a toll booth guy. His answer was, "To tell you the truth, I'd be better off dead." I told him that I was sorry, then took off (as there was an entire line of cars behind me). One time I was looking at shoes in Penney's and a woman came up to me and said that she had a brain tumor and had about three weeks to live. We stood and talked for about an hour. She gave me her number, but I never called her. I probably should have, but I just couldn't. I used to think that people could sense my eagerness to please everyone, a trait that I consider self-serving. Maybe it's true, but it's ok. The bottom line is that people just want to be heard. They want to be valued. I guess people just sense that I will listen. The reasons why I listen don't matter to them, just that I'm listening. It's what we all want. Hey...did anybody hear me?

Saturday Night With Sophie

2008-02-02T21:47:00.000-05:00

Thirty years ago Saturday night would be a party night. Now, it's just another night. It does, however, have a "feel"...like I should be doing something. Well, I am. Sophie (my dog) and I are having our little party right here at home. Sophie's even older than I am. She could be the equivalent of maybe 80 or 90 in people years. I read somewhere that it's not a straight 7 to 1 like previously thought. Sophie has just awakened from one of her many naps, and seems to be slightly bored. I say this because she just yawned (and couldn't possibly be tired). I was watching yet another UFO investigation on TV. Out of consideration for Sophie I switched to the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship. Sophie did seem to perk up at this, and looked particularly interested in a Newfoundland named "Cooper." Now, I can't be positive about this, but she did give me those vibes. Also, I think it's no coincidence that she waited until the commercial to go outside. All in all, it's been a successful Saturday night. It so beats the bar/party scene. Yup, two bitches on the sofa watching a bunch of bitches on TV. What could be better?

My Right Foot

2008-01-30T11:51:00.001-05:00

I must tell you, that right now I'm battling some anxiety...I think. It's in the form of racing thoughts and fatigue. Those of you that are familiar with anxiety disorder probably understand. Anyhow, I must keep my sense of humor. I will therefore write about my now amusing anxiety incident that took place in Macy's the other day. I went there to return this portable whirlpool mat that I had gotten for Christmas. Although the concept is nice, it just seemed like too much of a hassle to set it up in the tub. It was never used, so the thing was completely dry. The box looked a little raggy, but oh well. An old friend of mine made a sport out of returning things to stores. He could pretty much size up the sales people. There were those that didn't care, and there were those that loved wielding their authority. You could return half of a dress to those that didn't care and they wouldn't even notice. Well, I got one of the "other ones". She looked at the box suspiciously and said, "Why are you returning this?" I mumbled some lie about a friend being diabetic. I don't know why, I guess I was just on the defensive. She reluctantly gave me a store credit. Service with a smile. As I was walking away I became aware of my right foot. It felt like it was about to burst out of my sneaker. I just knew that the heart attack or stroke would hit at any time. There was no time to look at the pretty, overpriced, clothes (which I would never wear). I had to get to the car to check my foot.
I left the store scared and hyperventilating. Finally I got to my car, where I could have the illusion of safety. I took off my shoe and sock. Surprise, surprise, my foot looked normal. I think my sneaker was tied too tightly. Another crisis averted. A typical day in the life of a maniac. I guess it beats being bored.

Affiliate Aschmiliate

2008-01-27T18:14:00.000-05:00

Oh man am I tired. It really exhausts me to persevere with something.(which is precisely why I have never really succeeded in anything...except not succeeding). I have been trying for two years. Of course, when I say trying, I mean at most two hours a week....or maybe one. See what I mean? Well, this is 2008, a new year and all that. This is the year I make my big effort. Hell, I might even work for two hours a day. Who knows? The ceiling's the limit. I haven't seen the sky in a while. I've had strep throat. Is the sky still there? Anyhow, just between the two of us (am I overestimating my readers?), I'd really like to make some money. If I find a secret to success, I will share. I worked for five hours today. I need the day off tomorrow (to assimilate today's information). I'll keep all of you (or you) apprised of my progress, or lack of, whichever applies. Hey...thanks for reading.

Back to Da Bloggin

2008-01-24T15:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back after almost a year of not blogging....and the crowd roars.
Well, there's a crowd roaring somewhere. My wonderful niece inspired me to start blogging again. She started a blog which I will try and link to (once I've learned this new and easier editing stuff). Anyhow it's been quite a year. Oh, I'm still crazy of course. Need you ask???...my little imaginary blog audience. No, you needn't. It's still been the emotional roller coaster, as always. The tracks have had some minor repairs, but it's still not safe. I try not to stand up on the ride and always keep my seat belt fastened. Let's see.. I've laughed, cried, had viruses, was treated for Lyme Disease, and threw up on one occasion. I made a half-hearted attempt at affiliate marketing too. I have terrible fashion sense and love to wear sneakers. What else??? Oh yeah, I still don't have a solid "sense of self" and try ridiculously hard to please and entertain everyone. I love animals, and someday hope to bring peace to the middle east (that would be the middle eastern part of New Jersey). It's great to be back in my cyberspace home. Visit anytime. The place is always a mess!

Uh-oh

2007-03-17T22:13:00.000-04:00

Bad reaction to something last night. It was either avelox (my latest antibiotic), or life itself. Or....could it be Lyme disease related ? I'm guessing it was a combination of things. I felt like I couldn't walk or talk. The TV was on, but I couldn't understand what people were saying. Bad, bad night. Worst night in years. Oh well, here I am writing, so I guess there's a shred of sanity left. I miss those vodka martini days. I couldn't handle them anymore. At least there was a measure of relief available. It was well worth the hangover.

Shining Star

2007-02-26T22:44:00.000-05:00

I've had a million ideas for posts in the past month. Obviously none of them came to fruition. Tonight I am watching the Oprah special about the school in South Africa. Whatever your feelings about Oprah (I happen to admire her), you would have to be moved by this special. I know she can well afford to do these kinds of things, but the point is...she does them. It is so wonderful to see the best in human nature. This is truly how things should be. Loving and helping each other. I'm not a mushy person, but I just love to see this kind of thing. Ok, I've had my say, and for once it's positive.
Love to all (and I mean it)

Bar Scene

2007-01-22T17:14:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at a bar last night playing video poker, and of course, pondering. Who says my life is meaningless?? Huh?? Well anyhow, while indulging in my two favorite vices I was aware of the others at the bar cheering for their favorite football teams. I then gazed at the shelves and shelves of liquid relief with all the fancy names. There were various flavors of schnapps, pretty colored liquors, distinguished looking bottles of scotch and bourbon etc. All of the adult pacifiers or "binkies" . We all need these escapes from the often painful process of living. As they say, it's ok in moderation. Unfortunately many people are not moderate. They are on that fast train that leaves Reality Station and never stops. I've been on that train. The only way off is to jump and hit the ground with a thud. At that point you have to crawl, and then hopefully walk. Many people are of the belief that you can never leave Reality Station again. Personally, I have left again, but not on the same train. I go round trip. It's been ok so far. Of course some people have never been to Reality Station. They get involved in other things. They can be scary. They are the ones that start wars over nonsense. They are on an underground train that travels in a violent circle leaving destruction in its path. It is essential to know which train to board. My train leaves the station about once a month. So far it's been round trip every time. The trick is to not lose your ticket.

Am I OK??? Hell no!!

2007-01-05T21:59:00.001-05:00

I'm pretty old by most standards. Not elderly, but old. However, when I'm really upset I revert to infancy. I know I've written about this before, but it's so disturbing that I must write about it again. We all regress sometimes, especially during periods of extreme stress. Most of us can hide our childishness. Sometimes I can, but sometimes (like today), I can't. I guess it's part of my emotional illness. I'm not using it as an excuse, just a reason. I try not to get to that point, but sometimes it just happens. Today was so stressful, for many reasons. Anyhow the result was me demanding to get out of a car immediately without regard to where I was or what could happen. I had to walk over a long bridge with a very small sidewalk and a low guardrail. Very dangerous, but oh well. I do these things when I feel I've been wronged. They are essentially tantrums, I know this. They're not pretty, especially from an older adult. Really disgusting, but I (the disgusting one) am probably more disgusted than anyone. Funny thing though, I feel wronged and wrong at the same time. It's pure frustration. Anyhow I'm exhausted tonight from my carryings on. I wish I could just behave myself.

Back..Not Quite Intact

2006-12-18T19:37:00.000-05:00

This is a very tough post. I just came back from my visit. I visited people I love very much who have beautiful, wonderful children. I love them all so much. Here's the thing though...
I'm totally wrecked. I'm wrecked because my visits are fewer and shorter than I would like because of my mental/physical problems. With all the love and fun the torture remains. My anxiety/ocd etc.,etc.,etc..... were in high gear because I was away from my nest. The last night there I awoke every couple of hours in a panic state. My thoughts were racing so much I couldn't even understand what I was thinking. I was just worried that I would start screaming and wake up my family. I didn't want to scare the kids. I was petrified. Every time I woke up I laid there frozen until the panic subsided. I was afraid things would escalate and I would be this frantic crazy-woman that had to be taken to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I thought that I had once again reached the point of no return. So,so,scary. Thankfully I was functional when I woke up in the morning. I don't mention these things to my loved ones. They really don't have time to read my blog, so hopefully they will not see this post. I am still sitting here scared even though I am home. My nervous system has to recover. Although I must say, it was worth going through this to see people that I love.

Oh, The Horror!

2006-12-11T16:57:00.000-05:00

I realize that I'm always writing about my mind or the loss thereof. I go on and on ad nauseum. My mind is always on .....my mind. This nervous breakdown thing is a real pain in the ass. Modern psychiatry does not use the term "nervous breakdown".
However, I can't think of a more appropriate term for what has happened to me in the past. When a car breaks down, it stops going. That's what happened to me three or four times in my life, I stopped going. Each time I either slid or fell into this pit of despair and anxiety for months at a time. Fortunately, I was able to dig and claw my way out of the pit every time. The thing is, I never get far enough away from the pit. I live at the edge of this pit. Sometimes one foot slips in and I have to drag myself out again. I just never know when I'm going to fall in again. I'm used to having panic attacks, they come and go. My breakdowns always start with a panic attack. The difference is, it doesn't leave. It becomes an emotional state that just lasts and lasts. It doesn't have to be precipitated by anything traumatic, it just happens. Shit happens. When it happens, I feel really regressed, like a scared infant. I look in the mirror and see late middle aged, but I feel like an infant. Infants need care. I don't want to need care. I want to provide the care. I never want to be at the mercy of others. Anyhow, I am going away to visit family for a few days. The joy in this is always overshadowed by the fear of the breakdown. That's just the way it is. If anyone can relate to this, I'd appreciate the feedback. I guess I've said my piece. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

Bad Moon Rising

2006-11-12T12:54:00.000-05:00

I'm hoping today's post will calm my storm today. I just never know when the illness will strike. I am referring to this emotional/physiological thing that has plagued me for most of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but this has been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember. Yeah, I have Lyme disease and a few other little physical things. This anxiety/depression thing makes everything else seem trivial. Today, I have the all too familiar feeling of dissociation. This is one of those lovely anxiety symptoms where you feel as though your limbs are not connected to your body. Always fun. I also feel like going into a hibernation sleep. It's not as intense as when I've had my "breakdowns" but it's scary. I hope it's not a sign of worse things to come. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but it's hard not to worry. Well, there's not much I can do except keep trying not to crash. I will definitely put up a fight.

Words to Live By

2006-11-06T21:16:00.000-05:00

My mom was what you would call a real "live wire". She had a tremendous amount of nervous energy. She was a really bright woman, but wasn't the type to sit down and ponder the meaning of life. Some people just have to keep moving. I don't know if it's out of fear or not. There are just those that are on automatic pilot their entire lives. We've all seen them...the workaholics and such. We need them. They keep the place moving and shaking. Then there are the others, like myself. We sit and ponder everything. Sometimes it's comforting, other times it drives us insane. Yet we can't help it, we must question. It's this mixture of curiousity and fear that keeps us on this quest for knowledge. Anyhow, that having been said...there was this one moment with my mom that I never forgot. It was about a year before she died. We were sitting in her apartment (after a losing night at the casino) and she looked at me very seriously and said, "there's something important that I have to tell you." She sounded uncharacteristically calm and serious, so I gave her my full attention. I was preparing for her to tell me something deeply profound, so I was ready to be receptive. Well, her words to live by were these..."Always buy toilet paper on sale because it's very expensive." I kid you not, this is a true story. It turns out that this was excellent and true advice. To this day I look to see what's on sale and cut out the appropriate coupons. Words to live by. Of course I still ponder the mysteries of life and death. However, the only answer I come up with when I ask why is ..because. That's it, just because. So lately the only thing I know for sure is....yeah, you guessed it. Take my mom's advice..buy the stuff on sale. You'll be glad you did!!

Why I Should Drink

2006-10-30T21:21:00.000-05:00

I have a malady for which there is no cure. It's a kind of sickness of the soul (if you will). Hey...I've always wanted to use that "if you will" phrase, and now I have! Anyway, my soul is a little ill because it cannot feel its roots. This is only my opinion, but it is the only opinion that I actually "feel". I personally believe that the natural state of all souls is to be loving. I am, of course, not referring to the physical body, with all those needs etc. That makes us all so tired. It clouds everything. I think at our core is pure love and understanding. All too often, I have hurt and anger that keeps me from feeling that basic love. I think its a combination of the genetic flaws of my physical body and how I was molded by my environment. I've worked very hard to change my way of thinking and acting, and to some extent have succeeded. However, there are some wounds that haven't healed and some fears that remain. When I have a drink, the hurt and fear are in the background. I can smile and feel at peace with my environment. I feel loving and happy. There are no more obstacles. This is why I should drink. Why would I not want to feel these things. I don't mean drink until I'm drunk, and I don't mean all the time.
I mean just sometimes, to experience the nice feelings. Well, I've said my piece. Cheers!

Stingray Conspiracy

2006-10-22T13:56:00.000-04:00

Oh man, what a world. After the tragic death of the crocodile hunter, there were some incidents of violence against stingrays. What are people thinking??? They're obviously not thinking. These are the people who are on the waiting lists for hate groups and need to do some damage somewhere. The world is full of these people. Pretty scary. That is why I prefer staying home and typing on my computer. My own personal craziness is just fine with me. My very dear, departed friend used to say,
"They're just not very highly evolved." (spiritually, that is). Although so much violence is done in the name of religion, which in my opinion, has nothing to do with spirituality. Speaking of spirituality, I'm trying to make money. I've researched some stuff on the internet and will place some ads on my blog. Lots of people do this and don't feel the need to tell
others. I have lots of guilt and feel the need to confess everything. This is good for others because I will not try to rip-off anybody. That being said, please feel free to click if you like......or not, of course. Take care, and pleasant blogging.
selfseeker...aka...dysFUNction

Guilt Again

2006-10-04T19:43:00.000-04:00

This post is guilt driven, like so many of my endeavors. I haven't posted in almost a month and I feel guilty. So who am I hurting, my legions of fans??? Yeah, right!! No, it's just me inflicting guilt on myself. I have it down to an art. Anyway, nothing much has changed in my life. The world around me marches on at its feverish crazy pace. We all hear the horrendous things in the news. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut says, "We're just on this earth to fart around, don't let anyone tell you anything different." Sounds right to me. The only thing we should be concerned about is helping each other to fart around and have fun. Protect the children so that they can grow up to fart around. Protect the planet so that we all can have our playground. That's about it. O.k., the end. Playtime everyone!!!

The Cord

2006-09-11T00:29:00.000-04:00

I write this at a late hour. I can't sleep. My dog is doing her usual midnight nagging while I watch "Cops" on TV and play computer mahjongg. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. These feelings should be good. These are the things that sustain us. The important things. I know this, but for me there's this cord. The cord that attaches me to every significant living thing in my life. It drains me because I can't separate my emotions from theirs. I project mine onto them, and theirs are projected to me. It's a never-ending, chaotic flow of feelings that keeps me agitated to the point of exhaustion. It's as if I am responsible for everyone's well being. My well being depends on this, but ironically it prevents my well being. Vicious cycle. I often tell half truths in order to keep the delicate balance. I have some strong opinions that are never voiced. Just keep the balance...it's like juggling so many things. I can't keep it up forever. Something's gotta give. I don't know what or when. If only I could free myself..stand alone and let the chips fall where they may. I know the truth, if only I could own it. What a beautiful relief that would be.

Lyme Lemon

2006-09-04T16:17:00.000-04:00

I live in the woods...mentally and physically. Lots of ticks and stuff. It hadn't occurred to me to get tested, even after several months of obvious symptoms. Lyme disease is so prevalent in the northeast. If it's caught early, it's not too bad. Unfortunately, I was a little late. I had the rash a long time ago, but didn't realize what it was. Now I have all kinds of stuff happening. Anyhow, I am taking doxycycline, which is giving me nasty side effects...or is it the lyme thing. Who knows. Anyway, a word to the wise...if you live in a lyme disease area, get tested. There are lots of symptoms, read up on it. Don't let it go, it only gets worse.

Dogenstein

2006-08-24T00:15:00.000-04:00

I have created a monster. I just had to make this entry as I sit here (after midnight) being tormented by my spoiled rotten dog. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was in a couple previous posts along with her picture. She was a shelter dog. Someone had left her tied to a pole in a parking lot. She was taken to the not-so-humane association and was adopted by my partner and I six months later. She has bitten both of us and nipped at some children. She has eaten money, books, tissues and pens. She does not listen at all, and would throw us to the wolves while protecting herself. Yet, she is undeniably cute and we love her. We have had her for several years. She is up in age now (anywhere from 13 to 15). She is a little nicer and very spoiled. I see her as my special needs dog. She has behavioral issues that seem to be fear based. In my effort to comfort her, I give her lots of attention and good treats. She sleeps about 16 hours a day and torments the humans for the remaining eight. It's especially bad after 10:00PM. She keeps whining for treats and attention. She doesn't like me using the computer either. Sometimes she tries to knock my hand off of the keyboard. She would like to dictate when I go to bed, but I usually defy her. I have to draw the line somewhere. I know this is all my fault and I have probably broken every dog training rule. It's really ok though because it's a fun kind of torment. I know we understand and love each other in our own twisted ways. Isn't that much like any relationship? I think Sophie (my dog) agrees. She just gave me a very loving look...or was it a glare? Oh well, doesn't matter.

One Good Thing

2006-08-16T22:27:00.000-04:00

Getting older sucks....physically. However, some things seem to be a little better (at least for me). I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. You know, those little things that used to be a big deal when you were younger. I don't really care how I look, as long as I'm clean. I'm definitely not a slave to fashion. Also, I can sometimes laugh at my inadequacies. I don't embarass easily either. That's a good thing, because I'm an airhead and a klutz ...a combination that leads to sitcom like situations when I'm out in public. For instance, there was the time that I was waiting in line to pay for a cappuccino that I had already sipped. I thought people were smiling at me because they were exceptionally friendly that day. Not the case. They were actually laughing because my sipped cappuccino had gotten on my mouth, chin, and tip of my nose. I looked like I was wearing foamy clown makeup. No one pointed this out to me. I had to discover it on my own when I looked into my rear view mirror. Oh well, no big deal. Today, I was standing in line at the custard stand, which should have been embarassing enough (I'm not exactly thin). Well, little did I know there were three little produce stickers on my t-shirt. I had on a dark t-shirt so the little white stickers stood out very nicely. I had just come from the super market, so they must have come off of the red peppers (#4088). Just par for the course.
Luckily I'm not trying to impress anyone. I, personally am impressed that I can still find my way home!

Not Sick, Just Weird

2006-08-02T20:13:00.000-04:00

Went to the oral surgeon last Friday to check my tongue (orthodontist thought he saw lesions). The oral surgeon only saw a weird looking tongue, nothing to worry about. Weird looking tongue in a weird looking mouth on a weird looking face. No big deal, just normal for me. So I am relieved. Anyhow, this is such a low energy day, not just lazy like usual, but low energy too. Nothing funny to write. Oh well, maybe I'll stick out my tongue and get a good laugh.

Back from Vegas

2006-07-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I made it through my vacation. What an odd sentence. Anyhow, I had a great time and came back with not much more insanity. However, a whole new load of trouble has flown in from Nastyland or wherever it is trouble starts. Bad things seem to come in these clumps. The particular clump that I'm dealing with now involves friends losing loved ones and personal health scares. All part of everyone's life. I know this. I'm not here to say "poor me". I'm just here....that's all. My latest scare is tongue cancer, yeah that's right, tongue cancer. I never smoked and don't drink heavily, but whatever... I have this leukoplakia on my tongue. I think that's how you say it. It was noticed by this orthodontist I went to for TMD. He was a nice guy, but it was like bizarro world. All his employees (including himself) wore braces. They were middle aged people with braces. I know some people really need them, but does EVERYONE need them??? It was hard to take him seriously when he was saying leukoplakia with metal and rubber bands in his mouth. I was surprised he could pronounce the word. Anyhow, I go to the oral surgeon in a week, so I have time to conjure up all kinds of horrible images. Truthfully, I'd be shocked if I had it, but I'm also shocked when I look at my fat stomach. Well, my sense of humor is intact which is my barometer for the tenuous hold I have on sanity. It's good to be communicating with all of you. I can't see you, but I know you're there! (in a good way, not in a paranoid way). OK, I feel much better now.

No Deja vu....please!

2006-06-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

My last nervous breakdown was in February of 2002. I was on vacation in Las Vegas. I love to gamble, and I was visiting people that I really love.
Go figure. There's always a convenient reason if you look hard enough. My mother had died 14 months earlier. My medication had been changed. The planets weren't aligned properly. You just never know. What I do know is that I dread having another episode. I'm going to Las Vegas in two weeks. It's for the wedding of someone I love. A wonderful occasion. I will be around people that mean so much to me. The location and/or the people, of course, had nothing to do with my meltdown. It was whatever was inside my head. I'm just scared because I'm returning to the scene of my demise. The trick is not to sabotage myself. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure my fellow anxiety sufferers understand my dilemma.

A Borderline's Lament

2006-05-13T17:34:00.000-04:00

Here's how today went down. Nobody loves me. I'm horrible. Such a wimp. But no...wait.. I'm actually brave. I'm not a wimp at all. Everbody loves me..but wait..no.. I need some space. So many demands. They suck the life right out of me!! But wait..no they don't. I need them. I really love them. So where are they? Never there when I need them. Uh-oh, who's that? Is someone at the door? I hope not. Oh God, I'm so lonely. I think I'll go out and be among strangers. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone. Maybe I'll call a friend. I don't know what to say, but there's so much to say. I'm just so tired, but I sleep too much. What's on TV...nothing good. Oh well, almost time for bed. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Human Services...Not Always Humane

2006-04-20T18:41:00.000-04:00

These are feelings I've been wanting to express for years. I retired about a year ago from a job in "Human Services." This term, of course refers to a "helping" kind of job. In my case, it was in a state facility for the developmentally disabled. These individuals used to be called "retarded", but that was demeaning, and not politically correct. I agree. Apparently we all need labels and categories, it makes it easier to deal with people if you clump them all together. There are always people coming up with new and better terms for society's groups. The name-givers are in a group that I personally have labeled "Assholes."
In our workplace we frequently changed labels, buzz-words, mission statements, etc. All of the changes were supposed to make life better for our "individuals served" (the latest known label). Ya know what??!!! If people miss the point, none of it matters. Unfortunately, people miss the point so often that it makes me sick...mentally, emotionally, physically....TOTALLY SICK!!! The point, as I see it, and I hope many others see it, is to be nice. I don't mean phony nice, I mean really and truly a nice human being. Don't just go around spouting policies, buzz-words, and all that other bullshit. Don't just make things look good on paper. Also, be as realistic as you can. If certain things are not possible for some people, don't pretend they are possible. Never talk down to people. So often, people will take advantage of those who are perceived as "weaker" , whether it is mentally or physically. This gives them a sense of control and power. Many times the caregivers are sicker than those in their care. It's very important to be introspective and examine your motives. I have had three "vacations" in psychiatric hospitals. There is nothing more humiliating than being bullied by someone pretending to help. The sick and disabled are not stupid. They know who is for real, and who is not. Anyway, here's a word of advice for all those superficial, arrogant, so-called humanitarians. Your life could change in a flash, and you may need some kind of care. Would you want to be at the mercy of someone like you??

Dripping Faucet Mind

2006-03-29T20:33:00.000-05:00

I always have a certain level of mental discomfort. I'm just stating a fact. It's no big deal. Lately it's like there's always a faucet dripping in the background. Most of the time it's not too annoying. However... during my more vulnerable moments (I can't explain when or why they occur), there is the drip. DRIP..(wave of fear)..DRIP..(anger)...DRIP.. (lonliness)...DRIP..(anxiety). The drips can be maddening. I cannot turn off this faucet. It cannot be fixed (they don't make those parts anymore). The water drips continuously. I can live with it. I will collect it in a huge vat where it will be analyzed. Maybe I can create an antidote for dysphoria. Who knows?? In the meantime, I will think loud, amusing thoughts.

War of Attrition

2006-03-21T19:07:00.000-05:00

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.

Whats With Me???

2006-03-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

I should have a sign on my forehead MOOD SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE!! It's so damn frustrating, this mental, emotional illness...whatever it's called. I had a trip planned for yesterday. I woke up feeling just awful. I believed it was a mental thing, but I ended up having a fever. Did depression bring it on, or was my body just saying "No more social activities." I don't know. Today I am really depressed. I was thinking about trying to go tomorrow. People are counting on me. I don't want to go somewhere and fall apart. It's happened before. Horrible for me and everyone else. I will be with my brother's grandchildren (my great nephews), and don't want to spoil everything. I so often disappoint people...and myself. Do I plan too many things for my fragile self to handle, or am I just a weak wimp? Wish I knew the answer. If I push through the situation, will there be a good outcome? Calling all psychics. Answer unknown. It just SUCKS.

Almost Near Death

2006-02-06T21:23:00.000-05:00

I'm really just posting to keep up with my own ramblings. That probably didn't make much sense. Oh well..... . I just had another birthday. Closer to the end. That wasn't meant to be depressing. Just a fact. The end could possibly be a beginning. I've been reading some stuff about near death experiences etc. I really think there's an afterlife. I have to think that. I also have to think that it's very pleasant in the spirit world. I don't believe in any of the traditional religious stuff. I just think you have to do your best in this world and learn from your mistakes. That's it. Best wishes to everyone in the blogosphere.

A Sense of Purpose

2006-01-03T01:50:00.000-05:00

I did not get a sense of identity from my work. It was at best, a diversion, and not a good one. We work because we need money, but also to feel productive. We all know the deal with people dying soon after they retire, even though they couldn't wait to retire. I was not all that productive at work, but it did give me a place to go every day. Now I find myself wandering through the days indulging in my favorite vices (over-eating, gambling, wine drinking). Admittedly, I enjoy these things, but they're supposed to be bad for me. They leave me feeling a little empty (even the over-eating). My work kind of left me empty too though. I think it all boils down to this...
We all want love..in one way or another
Love of family, pets, nature...on and on..giving, receiving, whatever. Everything else is part of the quest. If self-love is not attained..it's tough, very tough. Maybe I'm overstating the obvious here, but it's just my blog. I can continue to post my ramblings. I have to. It's part of my quest.

Life, As I know it...

2005-12-15T21:14:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I see the glass as half empty...and then I get thirsty. I try to take a drink only to realize that the glass is TOTALLY empty. Not only that, but it has a chip on the rim that cuts my lip. As if that's not enough, my lip starts to bleed profusely because the .81 mg of aspirin that I took to prevent the heart attack has thinned my blood. A disastrous chain of events then ensues leading to my ultimate demise and the end of civilization. My tortured soul is then released only to end up in a parallel world to face the exact same set of circumstances.
Oh well, just trying to maintain a cheery outlook. Happy holidays everyone!!

My Link

2005-12-13T13:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not pushy at all. I can only say that I've made two $ 6.00 investments in this site and they have delivered as promised. I usually just write about my maladjustments and misadventures (if you check my other entries). However, if anyone wants to try this, you can use my link. Of course, I will make a little money on it, but you, in turn, can do the same. If you do try it, please give me feedback, as I am not out to scam anyone! Here's my link www.12dailypro.com/?ref=92421

Thanks..way in advance

Acting Out

2005-11-20T19:15:00.000-05:00

Question:What makes a middle-aged woman walk down a deserted, dark road crying?
Answer: Despair, craziness, and immaturity. Sometimes I can't get my point across. Usually, I don't know my point. I just know how I feel...horrendous. I know so many of the reasons for my despair. No one really to blame at this point, not even myself. I have no more room for guilt. Certain situations are catalysts. Feeling rejected (real or imagined), feeling helpless, abandoned, whatever. These feelings cause unbearable pain for me, and sometimes I act badly. I like myself even less when I do this, but it seems to relieve some of the pain. Oh yeah, I know there are healthier ways to relieve emotional pain (like blogging). Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle. Tonight was one of those times. So I was once again the infant..the wrinkled old infant. Pretty scary...but just another day in the life. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Ugliness Is Only "Skin Deep"

2005-11-08T17:09:00.000-05:00

This may be a curse, but I have the ability to see beneath the surface. What I mean is, I don't take people at "face value." I think it's quite obvious that people behave badly when they are feeling badly. It's also obvious that there are many reasons to feel badly. Whether it's a lifelong problem or only a temporary situation emotional pain cripples us in various ways. Basically, we either act out in some way (crying, yelling, being rude, etc.), or withdraw. Often we alternate between the two. Just as some people deal with chronic physical pain, there are those of us that deal with chronic emotional pain. Bad behaviors are coping mechanisms. I try to ease my own emotional pain by finding humor in things, which often requires creativity (along with a twisted mind). Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I usually see the good beneath the surface. I believe that the vast majority of us have goodness at our core. That is why when people say, "How can you like him or her?", or "Why do you bother with them?", I know the answer. It's because I can see beneath the surface. Sometimes I wish I couldn't, but I think it's all part of my path in life.

Stupid Sayings

2005-11-07T00:01:00.000-05:00

There is a sign that I've seen in some workplaces, it goes a little something like this: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, etc., etc., etc....
I know many of us have seen this sign. For those of us who have had nervous breakdowns, it's just NOT FUNNY !! For me, having a nervous breakdown is like being sucked into this hellish vacuum. Whatever self-control I had is gone. There are no longer any pleasant emotions, only despair. Does anyone actually want to earn something like that? I THINK NOT. So..take down those signs. It's like wishing for a terminal disease. Avoid it like the plague (pun intended).
I'm writing this because lately it's been a little windy up here on my tightrope.
Who knows why? It doesn't matter why, all that matters is not falling.

Such a baby

2005-10-22T22:37:00.000-04:00

I have this new toy now. I've been wanting a laptop for so long. Now I am sitting in bed posting to my blog. What a thrill. I've brought my little computer world to my bedroom. No more uncomfortable desk chairs. I have my pillows, comforters, and my t.v. Ain't technology great?
The idea of bedroom fun has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Well as they say, "whatever turns you on." Of course, they also say, "It's all good." Liars!!!

More Referrals

2005-10-08T15:14:00.000-04:00

Ok, here goes another link. I'm trying to get a flat screen monitor. This is supposedly legit. Here's the link http://flatscreens.freepay.com/?r=23464394

The Doormat Foundation

2005-10-04T16:41:00.000-04:00

I am going to create a new organization for those of us that have been doormats all of our lives. As we all know, a "doormat" is the type of person that takes way too much emotional abuse from others. The others could be strangers, family, or friends. It doesn't matter. We will occasionally speak up for ourselves, but usually feel guilty when we do. In general, we are caring people who would do anything to "keep the peace". It is very important for us to be liked, even by people we can't stand. People tend to mistreat us just because they can. I guess everyone likes to feel empowered. Maybe we should have a 12 step program and we could all be recovering doormats. The first step would be to ask others to make amends to us . Oh well, maybe it's just a self-pity day. All comments are welcome...unless they are hurtful. I've reached my quota.

Oh no, I'm Advertising

2005-10-02T20:07:00.000-04:00

OK, here's the deal. I joined Stormpay and they have all these "randomizers". This one for bums captured my interest. If you're a Stormpay member, you can send money via e-mail. If you feel like it you can check it our at this url http://www.spare2bucks.com/random/?id=foobie@comcast.net

I'm not the selling type, and I can't guarantee anything, but it doesn't hurt to look. Thanks in advance, and yes, I feel guilty.

BPD + Caffeine+ Tiredness + Blog =

2005-09-28T19:03:00.000-04:00

Here is my de-railed train of thought tonight. Am I right or wrong? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that ? I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm an awful person. No I'm not, I'm a good person. I think I'm ugly...no average...no.. not bad for my age..no..bad for any age. I'm angry. I'm happy. I don't know what I am. Life is funny...no it's not. I'm having trouble breathing, no, I'm breathing fine. Did I make the right decision? I think I'm getting a cold..no, I'm not. I'm nuts..yes, I am nuts. Are there any questions???

Retired..the real work begins

2005-09-23T10:37:00.000-04:00

I am retired. Wow, I suddenly feel free....and old. A large percentage of my life has gone by. Now what? So far, I've spent many hours pondering..which I also did at work. Did I need the structure that my job offered? Well, actually, my job had no structure. I did have lots of interactions with other people, and some nice work friendships. I miss those. I don't miss the frustration of the job. The question is, "What do I need now?" Money, for one. I also need some interactions with people I love...just some interactions. Being borderline, I can't take too much. I also want to have fun as long as I can. Sometimes, that's the most difficult work of all. My fun this morning was looking in the mirror and laughing at my appearance. I guess that's not very constructive. I will try to laugh at something else..not related to myself. Maybe I'll watch the 700 club, or a rerun of The Nanny. I could always practice my violin. Yes, I play the violin. I used to do it for a living, until I ran out of bourbon and valiums (I'm entirely serious). Well anyway, I wish my blog family a wonderful day.