War of Attrition

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.