Mortality

I've always been waiting for my own demise. I remember as far back as I could count measuring how many years I had left. I would use my mother's side of the family to predict my longevity. Most of them lived to be at least ninety. The outlook might have been grim had I used my father's side. I always took comfort in the fact that I had many years to go. It's great to be naive !! Well, I have had quite a few years, and despite the emotional problems I'm hoping for as many more quality years as I can have. When I say quality, I mean feeling physically and mentally well enough to still be able to laugh. Certain things inevitably come with age. I accept these things. Quite naturally, I fear the serious illnesses, but try not to dwell on those fears. Lately I've had a couple of minor things happen. First, (as pictured on a previous blog), viral conjunctivitis. No biggie. It was very uncomfortable, but ran its course. The latest is this skin infection (in the groin area...Yuck). There is swelling , redness, blisters, and there was a fever. It was scary enough to get me to the ER on Sunday. They said it was a staph infection (although my white cell count was normal), and put me on antibiotics. It's not that much better, but the fever is gone. Anyway, my mind started going to the fear place lately. You know...what if this is a sign of serious illness? What if it never heals?..on and on. I want to stop being afraid. Something will get me. Whether it's now, or 30 years from now. I am not religious in the conventional sense. I believe there is something after death. I have heard all the arguments. I have to come to my own conclusion. Anyway, in the mean time I want to learn to roll with the punches, because the punches will be a lot harder and more frequent as I age. This is why I'm making this entry. It's a self-help kind of thing. If you've been patient enough to read this, thanks. I wish you all the strength that I've been seeking!!

The Panic Attack-(a one-act play)

Cast of two characters: Intellect(played by me)
Emotions (played by me)

The scene: Bedroom, 12:00 AM, Tuesday morning. Characters both asleep, awake suddenly in a state of extreme terror for no obvious reason.

INTELLECT: OH NO, It's happening again!! Why??

EMOTIONS: Screaming silently..HELLLPPP !!

INTELLECT: I'm losing my mind, I can't go on, I'll end up in a mental hospital.

EMOTIONS: I'M DYING!!!!

INTELLECT:My heart's beating so fast, I'm going to have a heart attack, my body can't take this.

EMOTIONS: HELP, I'M LOST, I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

INTELLECT:You're a grown woman, get it together, don't let this happen.

EMOTIONS: IT'S HAPPENING AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT. THIS IS THE END OF YOUR SANITY!

INTELLECT: Find some alcohol and drink it, anything to stop the fear. No, just take deep breaths, try to relax.

EMOTIONS: Feeling like scared infant, still screaming silently.

INTELLECT: Looks over at gaudy ceramic poodle on nightstand (belonged to mom).
Poodle suddenly looks frightening, like ceramic poodle from hell. Heart races again.


EMOTIONS: OH NO, I'M HALLUCINATING, I'M INSANE. HELLPPP!!

INTELLECT: My pulse seems to be slowing down. Maybe it's subsiding.

EMOTIONS: NO IT'S NOT, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP!!

INTELLECT: Yes, it's definitely subsiding.

EMOTIONS: BUT IT WILL COME RIGHT BACK, AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!

INTELLECT: I better call my doctor tomorrow and discuss medications. I'm scared.

EMOTIONS: TOMORROW WILL BE HORRIBLE, YOU'VE FALLEN APART!!

INTELLECT: I'm exhausted.

EMOTIONS: I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

Both characters fall asleep....again.

THE END.