Dripping Faucet Mind

I always have a certain level of mental discomfort. I'm just stating a fact. It's no big deal. Lately it's like there's always a faucet dripping in the background. Most of the time it's not too annoying. However... during my more vulnerable moments (I can't explain when or why they occur), there is the drip. DRIP..(wave of fear)..DRIP..(anger)...DRIP.. (lonliness)...DRIP..(anxiety). The drips can be maddening. I cannot turn off this faucet. It cannot be fixed (they don't make those parts anymore). The water drips continuously. I can live with it. I will collect it in a huge vat where it will be analyzed. Maybe I can create an antidote for dysphoria. Who knows?? In the meantime, I will think loud, amusing thoughts.

War of Attrition

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.

Whats With Me???

I should have a sign on my forehead MOOD SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE!! It's so damn frustrating, this mental, emotional illness...whatever it's called. I had a trip planned for yesterday. I woke up feeling just awful. I believed it was a mental thing, but I ended up having a fever. Did depression bring it on, or was my body just saying "No more social activities." I don't know. Today I am really depressed. I was thinking about trying to go tomorrow. People are counting on me. I don't want to go somewhere and fall apart. It's happened before. Horrible for me and everyone else. I will be with my brother's grandchildren (my great nephews), and don't want to spoil everything. I so often disappoint people...and myself. Do I plan too many things for my fragile self to handle, or am I just a weak wimp? Wish I knew the answer. If I push through the situation, will there be a good outcome? Calling all psychics. Answer unknown. It just SUCKS.