As Predicted....

The misery has lessened! Nature, nurture, chemicals, ..who knows? Not me, that is certain. I'm back to my abnormal state of kind of. Kind of depressed, kind of panicky, kind of ok. Maybe even a little better than that, thanks to my new BFF, Abilify. I took the Abilify plunge (as previously stated ad nauseum). My mood lifted enough for me to finish my kitchen floor. I bought one of those glueless, interlocking floors for a very cheap price. The floor looks pretty good. I made more than a few mistakes (as always), but none that I can't almost cover up. Anyhow, things are somewhat better. Sometimes I feel a little overly animated and chatty, but I was that way before the Abilify. I asked friends and loved ones to inform me if I start acting crazier than usual. No red flags so far. Well, that's all for now. I'll write more when I feel a little less shallow.

Status Quo

I've been feeling better. Isn't that a relief? I know my reader(s) were waiting for me to turn the corner (ha-ha). I apparently live in a circle, so there are no corners to turn. I just make trips around the circumference. Some trips are slower than others. This one was quick. Still lookin' for that straight line. Maybe they'll come up with a medication that will really improve your self esteem, instead of just giving the illusion of better self esteem. Would it make a difference? Is there a difference? Anyhow, these are the things that we will ponder on this episode of "My Wild, Wacky, Yet Somehow Boring Adventures."
Please tune in to my next episode, especially if you have insomnia!

Lighten Up Already!

The title was addressed to me (who else?). I've been gloomy and doomy for the past week. Nervous breakdowns will do that to you. Well, I think I should mix in a little levity with the heaviness. Maybe I'll call it heavity. For example- it's a little sad that I feel so infantile at these times, however I really did enjoy watching The Backyardigans. Boy can they dance!! There you go....heavity. That's a perfect description of my life. Lot's of gloom mixed with humor. Gloomor.
I'm sure these new words would describe lots of peoples' lives. Do the dictionary people pay for these kinds of things? If so, I'm claiming these as my words!

It's a New Week

Better morning. Not too much burning skin stuff. I took my second dose of abilify. I feel no difference, which so far, is a good thing. I detect a little optimism in my mood. I like that, I like it alot!! A little is better than none (overstate the obvious). I gave my blog address to close family and friends. Even though this is my not-so-personal diary, I worry that they will worry. I want to write this as if I'm free to express anything I'd like. That having been said.....close friends and family. Do not worry. I've been riding this coaster for 50 some years. If anything defines who I am, it's about the ride. I don't know if that even made sense, I hope it did. Blame it on the abilify, the planets. Hell, blame it on Rio (remember that movie?). Anyway, it's nice to imagine interacting with all of you. The next ride will leave shortly.

Sunday

This morning wasn't as torturous as yesterday morning. I still have the underlying fear and despair, but I was able to function. I even went to the supermarket. I finally, finally, took the abilify this morning. Yes, I broke the ice. Actually, I don't feel any different....I think. Seeing as nothing scary happened, I will take tomorrow's dose. Japanese proverb- Fall Down 7 Times, Stand Up 8.

Still Saturday

It's afternoon now. I'm feeling a bit better right now; still exhausted, but less agitated. I found a really nice web site called Daily Strength. It has support groups for lots of physical and mental ailments. There are tons of features. I will put a button for the site on the blog. It's not an advertisement, just a recommendation. There is no money involved. Anyhow, my eyes are closing as I write this. I bore me!!

Saturday

I'm not going on the planned trip. The decision was both relieving and depressing. I wouldn't have been able to interact well with anyone. It would have just added more stress to my already stressed out system. I am torn between trying to be strong and pampering myself. Last night I was very relieved and almost felt ok. This morning sucks. It's kind of torturous...no, it is torturous. Exhausted feeling, very depressed, burning skin anxiety that at times feels unbearable. I so want to feel better. I try to keep moving. When I sit, the feelings overwhelm me. When I move, I break out into a sweat. I didn't think I could get back to this low level. Surprise, surprise. Later, I will take an abilify. Throw caution to the wind. What the heck.

Blog Has New "Slant"

This blog has now become my daily "breakdown" diary. Also, I can't help but notice how much I like to use quotes. The morning has been tough, like it always is during these times. I got out of bed, had a tiny bit of coffee, and then walked my dog. I felt more and more anxious during the walk home. By the time I got to the door, the burning skin/despair feeling had returned. I didn't have too much of that yesterday, it was a better day (at this point). I'm getting closer to making a decision about a trip to see my family. We're driving, and it's a two day trip. I keep changing my mind. When I feel a little better, I think I can make it. When I feel worse, I know I can't make it. If I stay home, I will be alone to deal with my demons. If I go, will I be able to interact with the children? If not, I'll feel like a burden on the family. Only I can decide. I have atarax for my anxiety, but I don't want to sleep the day away. Then again, maybe I need to sleep. When I started typing this, I felt agitated and was crying. Now I feel depressed, agitated and exhausted. It's infuriating. There are people all over the world in terrible physical shape. They can't walk the dog. They're in chronic pain. I guess it's the stigma of mental illness. It seems like self indulgence and laziness. I have to continually tell myself that it's an illness. A nasty illness. I tell other people that, it's true for me too. Anyhow, I'm fifteen minutes from the beach. If I don't take the atarax, I'll try to drive there. The ocean helps..always. Even if only a little. My heart goes out to fellow sufferers, no matter what the malady. Hang on.

The Day After

Still here today. I took an atarax to sleep last night. Today was better. Not good, but better. I'll take it. Now, as I write, my skin is burning again. I guess the nerve endings are doing their little thing. I also have this exhaustion going on. The old agitated exhaustion I've come to know and hate. The abilify is waiting. I think it has followed me from the bedroom to the living room, but I'm not quite sure. Take me, take me, it says. My psychiatrist says so too. I will try it. Not tonight though. I'm alone in the house. No safety net tonight. I'll muddle through.

This Day

The torture continues. I'd like to write and write and write somemore..until it gets better. Here it is. Looking back, I should have seen it coming. Even reading my posts, I should have known. Horrible feelings...these. Burning skin, agitation, exhaustion, loss of self. Loss of self is the worst. I thought I had more of a self. Then again, maybe it's physical, but I don't know. Whatever it is, it's torture. Will a medication help? I hope so. It's a familiar torture. Intellect vs. emotions. Don't let the emotions take charge. I must get through this. Only I can do this. I am determined!

No Answer, Just no answer

Will writing help? Maybe. I woke up a little shaky this morning. Usually it gets better. Today it hasn't. I feel awful right now. Anxious, depressed, all that stuff. I need to be an adult and cope with this. I feel like a hurt child. My oh my. It's a combination of physical and mental. I can feel it. I try to just breathe. Just breathe. Worst feelings I've had in years. Every day is different. Just hold on. Keep that sense of humor. Look for the good. Was it something I ate? Was it everything I ate?? Like the title, just no answer. I cry as I write this. For some reason I need to cry. Is there never ending hurt? I guess. Crying is good. Not too great in public, but ok now. Keep that burning desire to feel good. I know I have that. It's not obvious, but it's there, or I wouldn't be here. Writing does
help. I can feel it. Thanks blog. Thank-you fingers, mind, and heart. Thanks to whoever reads this, just for taking the time.