July 30th

I'm at a 3 or 4 today. Some depression, moderate anxiety. I'm tryin' though.

Update

Today is a 3 - 4. I am immature. That is today's statement. I feel immature, and I don't like this feeling. I don't know what I want. I just feel tantrum-like. I don't know if anyone else can understand this. It happens to me quite often. I'm very child-like, but not usually in a good way. I need to take control of situations and feel more like an adult. This is a big problem for me. No wonder I'm miserable. You can't be an older adult and have childish needs . I know this. They say knowing is half the battle. Personally, I think it's one tenth of the battle (at best). The other nine tenths are on the front lines. A real bitch.

The Last three days

I've been holding steady at a 3 1/2 on the misery scale. This morning I woke up with the familiar knot in my stomach, but it has since gone away. I can deal with this. I'm hoping it will decrease from this level, but I can't expect too much. I'm trying to learn to like myself. I could sooner learn nuclear physics. Anyhow, I continue to plod along (like so many of us). All the best to my fellow sufferers.

Good night....mediocre day

Last night I was down to a 2 folks...yes, a 2. Slight angst, but not bad at all. I was having some fun. I was with family that I don't see enough. I adore them, and was able to feel it. A breath of fresh air I tell ya. Then....there was this morning, a 4 at best. Moderate misery, once again. That old, all-too-familiar feeling. So, so, tiring. I will see the family again tonight. I'm hoping for a boost. Wish me luck.

The Day After

Not as bad as yesterday. Maybe a 4 with a dash of migraine. I'm thinkin' about medication changes. I've already started diet changes. I'm looking for solutions. I want to be capable of enjoying life. I want to be a grown up with the strength to take care of myself. Not so easy for me. I know I must be proactive in this struggle. I can do more, I know it.

Boom

This morning is a 7 on the scale. Much misery. Empty, sobbing, the whole package. I'm going for help today. I must learn to manage these things, but how? I try not to wallow in self-pity, but it's tough. So much never-ending hurt and anger. It just never ends. My insides are twisted up like a pretzel. Well, enough about me. Oh yeah, this is about me. Strike that statement. Anyhow, I'm depressing me. Gotta go now.

Double Entry Today

Didn't have a chance to enter my misery yesterday. It varied throughout the day from a 3 to a 5. By evening I was tired enough to sleep pretty well. This morning I'm at about a 3 1/2, that's OK for now. I hope I can get it down to a 2. That would be nice. I don't want to ask for too much and set myself up for disappointment. Have a pleasant day everyone (or anyone). Look to the "0" (zero)...ironically the highest achievement on my newly invented misery scale.

Friday....

Better morning. 3 to 4 on the misery scale, which today is light to moderate. Not bad. Yesterday picked up a good bit throughout the day. Dare I be cautiously optimistic? Dare I? We'll see, won't we?

Uh-Oh?

This morning is not good...so far. The misery scale is at 5 to 6. Burning skin etc. I will push through the day and check in later. Sometimes there's a little reprieve shortly after I wake up. Maybe that will happen. I'll try to make it happen. Bye for now.

Today....I'm 4.

I'm just thinking that this misery scale can be very boring. However, I must report that today, so far, I am a 4. That is, moderate misery with only a slight feeling of going totally insane. Not too shabby considering the previous two days. I'm "hangin in" as they say. Oh...and the weather today is hot and humid. I might as well report on other things. By the way, does anyone else wake up some mornings feeling like their skin is on fire? Just checking. Have a nice day everyone, and may your misery scales be at 0.

Tuesday, July 15th

The misery rating for today (so far) is 5. Moderately scary. I am somewhat anxious and have a slight knot in my stomach. I'm alternating from feeling angry to feeling like crying. I think I can function today, although not comfortably. That's ok. Functioning is key. I ate decently this morning, even though I wasn't hungry. I hope that it helps my mental/emotional state. Anyhow, maybe I will report in later if there's time. For now, onward and hopefully, upward!

The Misery Scale

I am creating an emotional "barometer" if you will. It will be called The Misery Scale (thus the title of this post). It may sound a bit depressing and pessimistic, but it works for me. The scale will be from 1 to 10, with 10 being the worst. It will go from only slight misery (1) to horrific panic and despair (10), with 2 to 9 being various levels of misery. Today was an 8 bordering on 9, pretty bad, but not the worst. I am presently at a 6 which I would consider moderate anxiety and despair. I'm hoping one day to change this to the happiness scale, but right now it wouldn't be appropriate. I do, however, have that as my goal. If anyone reading this wants to join in on the misery scale feel free to share. After all, misery loves company.

Again

Huge panic attack today. It has now subsided, but the after shocks continue. Those who have had panic attacks might understand. Depression and depletion always follows. It is my fault. I had 3 cups of coffee this morning. I couldn't get away with it, not this time. When someone else is having an attack I can comfort them and tell them that it will pass. When I am having one, I know it is the end. I will either die, or end up in a hospital. It's always a horror. Now it's the depression and the anger. Anger at myself, anger at the hand I was dealt. I know there are so many who are worse off, but this is my lot in life. I really do want to enjoy life. I want to like myself. How much of this is physiological? I need to do more to help myself. I'm in my late fifties and enough of this misery. There are things down the road that I have to face with courage. This condition makes me feel terribly weak, and I hate it. Only I can help this, I know. It's a war within. I have to keep fighting.

As if

As if I could change anything. I wake up with a feeling of despair. There are things I cannot control. Almost everything, actually. I try to change things, but in the end they do what they are going to do. I can only change me...or can I? Would I just be pretending to change? Maybe pretending is the reality of change. Fake it til you make it? Do you ever make it? Some seem to make it, others not. We all just want to feel ok. Don't we? Feeling ok can be a monumental task though. Just ask me. Feeling ok is just acceptance I guess. Don't really know. What a fragmented post this is. What a fragmented person I am. I'll try to do better, whatever that is.

Lemon Cake

I bought a package of Betty Crocker lemon cake mix today. It was on sale. I will make it tonight. I become very stressed trying to follow recipes. Even if I only have to add an egg, I know it will be the wrong sized egg. One cup of water they say. What if I lose a drop? Such pressure. My baking friends say, "It's not rocket science ya know." Rocket science would be easier. I will worry until the cake is done. This worry will replace all of my other worries tonight. It's an easier worry, that's why it's therapeutic. There is some sense in this. If life gives me lemons, I give life Betty Crocker lemon cake. Then I take a pill.

Time for a Post

Hi my little bloggie. I haven't made an entry in a month. Too, too, long. I've been busy with my many exercises in futility. Even after stopping the Abilify three weeks ago, my sense of humor is not back. Not even a little. I have what my psychiatrist called "the blahs". I've had a couple of months of these blahs. I know I should try to combat these things, as they compromise my quality of life. I'm hoping the writing will help. It always has in the past. I am immature and self-indulgent. There it is. I don't think others necessarily see me that way, but I know it to be true. I'm also really self-critical, which would be ok if I made some changes. However, I go around the same circles over and over again. I need to change. It is my responsibility. I need to do better. I will try. I will also try to like myself more. Then, maybe, I can be a better person and friend. We'll see. I wish I could start laughing again (but not too much, that would be crazy).