Just Plain Weary

Some days I'm more than tired. I'm weary. I think tired is when you just need to sleep, weary is when you need a break. Things just wear you down. Day to day interactions, petty little arguments, financial worries....the whole deal. You just want everything to be easier. Today was rough. I'm not sure why. I had the same routine, minor annoyances etc. Nothing earth shattering. Time to re-charge. Tomorrow will be different. Not necessarily better, but different. Somehow, that makes me feel better.

Dream On..Oh Weird One!

Yet another bizarre dream last night. Lots of my bizarre dreams involve questions about the "afterlife", if indeed there is an afterlife. Well, who better to ask than those who are deceased? Of course, at my age, the list of deceased significant others is fairly long. Well, last night it was a former co-worker who as far as I know is still alive. However, for dream purposes, she had passed away. Apparently, she had temporarily come back to the living because there was a guy she wanted to meet. This would be characteristic of this person. I, of course, knowing that she was dead (which never surprises me in my dreams), had to ask her about my fate. I wanted to know if I was going to die soon, or if I still had time for at least a couple more glasses of red wine. She informed me that I had many years left, but those years were going to be miserable. She was indicating that the source of my misery would be severe psychological problems. If you've read my previous posts, the problems are obvious. I have learned to deal with them, and actually have some fun. The thought of more misery was just unbearable. I asked my deceased friend if I could appeal to a "higher authority" to see if I could have it a little easier. She then told me to look up at the sky. The clouds seemed to part and there was this golden glow. I assumed that this was God, or someone in the inner circle. I pleaded my case (telepathically). The answer to my prayer was a resounding NO. It was like David Spade in the Capital One commercial. Too bad, I can't help you. Anyhow, I'm glad to be awake. I will not take this dream as a premonition of things to come. I will continue my quest for answers in future dreams and will accept only the best scenarios. If anyone has any afterlife questions, let me know...I'll pencil you in.

Sophie relaxing with a milkbone. 

Sophie's Recovery

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, my dog was attacked by my neighbors two dogs. She had four puncture wounds on her chest and had to stay overnight at the animal hospital. She had a high fever that night, but was doing better by the next morning. They put drainage tubes in her wounds and made her wear one of those weird plastic collars so she wouldn't pull out anything. She was miserable for a few days, but thankfully is now back to normal (for her). My neighbor, who at first seemed nice and accommodating, turned out to be quite irrational. She kind of resented paying the vet bills even though her dogs charged across the street to attack my dog (who was on a leash). She's one of these people that has lots of different animals and claims to be an animal lover.
I think most pet owners generally are animal lovers. I also believe there are limits to how many pets can be cared for in certain environments. Luckily, most people are responsible, and don't jeopardize their neighbors animals. MOST people. Anyway...I will attempt to attach a picture of my recovering dog for all to see. Take care, and thanks for reading.

Compulsively Yours

As I sit here eating way too much of a good thing (soy nuts, sunflower seeds and dried cranberry mix), my mind drifts to my favorite subject: psychological disorders. As if the thinking and analyzing will somehow take care of the problem. Although I must say, it does help me to have somewhat of a handle on the situation. I think most of us are a mixture of various disorders ranging from mild to really, really, severe. My particular mixture seems to be mostly BPD (borderline personality disorder) with a heaping helping of panic anxiety, one cup of depression, and a dash of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Bring to a boil and let simmer for 55 years and ..Voila !! Here I am. I can be quite enjoyable with a nice red wine (about a gallon). Still and all (whatever that means), I am lucky. I love to laugh. Feel free to laugh with me, at me, whatever. Laughter ties us all together and brings out our beauty. I think it's one of the best sounds you can hear.

Fast Dancing

I was thinking of the book by Barbara Gordon titled I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can. She told the story of her addiction and eventual withdrawal from valium. I think it was written about twenty years ago. I was going through valium withdrawal about the same time as she did. We had both stopped the medication abruptly. HUGE MISTAKE !! They know better now. Still, you must be extremely careful with those "benzos" (drugs in the valium family). The reason for my valium use (and abuse), was similar to Barbara Gordon's. Our purpose in life was to please others. Granted, it's very nice to be thoughtful and to do nice things for others. However, when it's a constant job that involves everyone you meet (even if they are not very nice people), it becomes a sickness. A sickness where you continually suppress your very essence to have others like you. The rewards are shallow. They don't really like you. They don't know the real you. You don't know the real you. It tries to come out, and you push it down. The real you starts to seem like a monster. That is why you drink, or take a pill. You are scared. It only feels scary because way deep down you are hurting. You have starved your soul. I know this now. It's up to me to break the pattern. The real me.

Ruh-oh

I think in cartoons sometimes. It helps me. For instance..this new thing about dogs being able to detect cancer. Such a horrible disease it is. There is nothing humorous about cancer. However, for some reason I have this image of the Jetsons' dog Astro discovering someone's cancer and saying "ruh-oh", which is exactly what he said when there was any sort of trouble. Of course, trouble for Astro usually meant something ridiculous like being hit by a meteorite. From what I've seen of the suffering caused by cancer, being hit by a meteorite may be preferable. I have so much admiration for the brave souls that have battled this disease (my mother was a cancer survivor). As for myself, I hope I will never deplete my stockpile of cartoons. I know I will need them to diffuse the fear.

Sick Day

I stayed home from work today to be with my dog. As mentioned in my previous post, she was attacked by two large dogs. She seems to be getting better. It's hard to tell when she's wearing that large satellite dish thingy around her neck. She bumps into everything and is miserable. We go to the vet's tomorrow. Hopefully he will remove the collar and the tubes. She is currently relaxing on the sofa listening to a George Winston CD. Music heals the soul. I spoke to several friends today. This in uncharacteristic for me. I don't know why I don't make contact more often. I am very outgoing at work, but when I'm home I shy away from people. I think of my friends, and would be there if they needed me, but I don't usually call to say hi. I guess we all have that work "facade". Well, not really a facade, but the work you as opposed to the social you. Whatever, as they say these days, " It is what it is." Write to you soon, my friends in bloggery.

Hurt

Tough day. Yesterday my partner was walking our dog and the neighbors' two large dogs jumped the fence. My partner was ok, but my dog had some puncture wounds. Luckily, my neighbor works for a veterinarian, and helped me get my dog to the hospital. She's home today, but is wearing this huge collar (so she doesn't pull out the drains). Hopefully, she'll be O.K. Some people might say, "With all the suffering in the world, why be so upset about an animal?" Why??? Because I love her.

Miniatures

I have these recurring dreams about miniature things. Not inanimate things. I mean living things that are very tiny. Most of the miniatures are people, but occasionally a dog or cat is thrown into the mix. The miniatures range in size from about two inches high to two feet or so. All but one of the miniatures were harmless. The evil one resembled Chuckie from Child's Play. He had myself and a few of my co-workers trapped in a Baskin Robbins store and was demanding a continuous supply of ice cream. Maybe I wanted to be that miniature...who knows? The miniatures cover the entire spectrum of ages and ethnicities. One miniature had Down Syndrome. I'm always very careful when handling my dream miniatures because they are all very fragile. I suppose this could be interpreted as my fear of relationships with others. Whatever. It really doesn't matter. Even if I figure out the meaning (if indeed there is a meaning), I will still have these dreams. Just venting. If anyone wishes to voice their opinion on this..or if you too have miniature dreams..let me know!! We'll talk. Till next time...

Lucky

So much turmoil in this head of mine. As previously mentioned (and will no doubt be mentioned quite often), my sanity hangs by a thread. Yet, oddly enough, I feel fortunate to be me. I read an article quoting Itzhak Perlman, who as many people know, is a famous violinist who had polio as a child and lost the use of his legs. He told the interviewer how deeply moved he was when he heard beautiful music, and that he was so lucky that he had this connection. I understood completely. I love that connection.

Oh No !!!

I'm seeing the glass half empty today. Worried about work, money, illness, life, my next life etc. I need some humor, STAT !! I watched trauma in the ER, but that didn't lift my spirits a bit. Then, I looked at the nighttime sky, and pondered the vastness of the universe. Big deal !! Finally, I looked at my dog curled up on the sofa and felt a little better. My dog is spoiled rotten, has bitten me, and would probably offer me as a sacrifice to an intruder. I love her unconditionally...I can't help lovin' dat dog !! Sometimes you just have to narrow things down. You take a single comfort and just cling. I think about that famous model who clung to a tree for eight hours during the Tsunami. I am not equating my torment with hers. There are, however, mental tsunami's. People sometimes have to cling to a little thread of sanity until the worst passes. Different types of hell.