Better Living Through Chemistry

I know my blog is basically a neon sign that repeatedly blinks the word "ISSUES" in bright yellow letters. Surprisingly, here is yet another personal dilemma that I'm sure everyone is waiting to hear. O.K...here it goes. My psychiatrist, or Pdoc (as they say on some mental health forums) has suggested that I take a supplemental medication when I am more depressed or anxious. I already take paxil. She gave me some samples of gabitril, which I haven't tried and also suggested Topomax, which is used for seizure disorders. In the great collapse of 2002 I took seroquel in addition to Paxil. Seroquel did the trick. I was on a very low dose, but it knocked me out at night. I needed that at the time because I was non-functional. The only thing is, it was kind of like a lobotomy in a bottle. I guess there is always a trade-off. I haven't collapsed again, but I am really stressed. A few posts ago I mentioned the wonderful feeling of having a glass or two of red wine. Well, I've been doing this a little more often. Not every night, but 3-5 times a week. It hasn't made things worse, and gives me a great couple of hours. My doctor thinks this is a bad idea, because it creates some kind of pattern and can be detrimental. I'm really torn. I like and respect my doctor very much. She is very bright and up on things. She is also different from many psychiatrists who are basically walking prescription pads. However, I'm 55 and have been through 45 years of my own particular madness. I want things to be as much fun as possible in between the inevitable tortures that life hands us. It's truly a paradox within an enigma. Oh well, maybe the right decision is to hold off on deciding...whatever that means.

I Suck !!

When I say this, I try to say it in a lighthearted fashion. At my ripe old age I try to like myself as much as possible, but certain things just don't pan out (if you know what I mean). I constantly fight my own emotional demons. About 25 years ago I happened upon a wonderful therapist, who I still see to this day. She was wonderful for many reasons, number one..she cared, number two, she took the time to listen and understand. I had seen so many shrinks at that point, some were just plain assholes, others just wanted to medicate me. Granted, I have discovered that I do need the meds, but what I needed most was insight. That, and the tools to cope with my disorder. That disorder would be BPD..borderline personality disorder. I'm not big on labels, but I guess sometimes a group of people share certain characteristics. I have many of the BPD traits, but more importantly, I knew why I felt so badly. Knowledge is indeed power. It makes things just a little less scary. I have managed to change many behaviors over the years. Unfortunately, some behaviors, and many of the feelings remain. I still do not have a clear separation of myself from others. They call it fluid boundaries. I kind of live my life as if I'm performing for some vast unknown audience. When I try to feel differently, there is this emptiness that descends upon me. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this. It can be quite exhausting. What is the toughest are my interactions with kids. I never feel like the adult. Kids usually like me because I am like a really old kid. I will play with them for hours, even if I don't want to. I can never say no. For this reason, I avoid being with them. It's easiest for me when other adults are around to run the show. Infants are much easier for me, because their emotional needs are simple. I so want to feel differently, but it hasn't changed. Kids are a precious commodity and I want to be able to enjoy them without torturing myself. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep trying.

What's Love Got To Do With It ??

Are there really so many different kinds of love, or is it all the same (minus, of course, the sex-thing in most cases)? I don't know. What I do know is that it is so essential to have the capacity to both give and receive love. It's also not that easy. I think so many of us have been hurt in the past. Whether it has been romantic love, parental love, friendships, whatever..it's an awful feeling to love in vain. As I get older, I see how important it is to cultivate relationships of all kinds. Truthfully, I am most comfortable with animals. There is an unconditional love on both sides. It's all very simple. With people, you get into all kinds of issues. It's hard to love unconditionally, but sometimes it's required. Some people need this because they have never had it in their lives. Sometimes you suffer emotional abuse from those you love unconditionally because they will test you. It's all so complicated. There is that cliche' about not being able to love anyone unless you love yourself. Well, I'm not so sure about that, because there are people that I really love even though I'm not totally fond of myself. I guess it's all up for debate. Anyhow, just another thing to ponder on a dreary Sunday morning.

Life in a Tornado

I haven't checked through my past blogs lately, but knowing myself to the extent that I do, I'm sure I've mentioned my "nervous breakdowns". "Why the quotes?", you might ask. Then again, you might not ask. Well, I would answer (please try to tolerate me, as I've worked two 16 hour days in a row). I place the term nervous breakdown in quotes because there is really no such clinical term. However, it seems to describe what has happened to me 3 or 4 times in my life. When something breaks down, it ceases to function. Sometimes there are warning signs, sometimes not. Same with me. I've watched some of the storm chaser videos on the Weather Channel. You see these tornado close-ups with all kinds of debris swirling around and streaks of lightening inside. They're really kind of horrifying. My breakdowns have felt like emotional tornados, you just swirl around in this thunderous cloud until it dissipates. There is no telling when it will stop, even with medication. You just have to hold on. You hold on because in the past, the storm did end, and you hope this one will do the same. It has for me every time. I try not to waste time dreading its return, but sometimes the emotional winds kick up, and I get scared. That is partly why I write. If anyone reading this is dealing with their own tornado, just know that the storm will end, and there are others who care and understand.

Smoking..or not

OK, I admit it, I live in New Jersey. There is currently a debate over whether or not to ban smoking in public places. This would include the Atlantic City casinos. I personally am for the bill.The casinos are worried about losing business because gambling and smoking go hand in hand. I love to gamble, but do not smoke. I also believe everyone has the right to their own vices. However, smoking is the only vice I know that affects the health of others. Smokers may argue that non-smokers should stay away from smoking areas. In my opinion, that would be unfair. If people want to release toxins into the air, they should do it alone, or with other toxin releasing people. They do have a right to smoke, but should not have a right to harm other peoples' lungs. Non-smokers shouldn't have to stay away from places they enjoy to avoid second-hand smoke. I probably opened up a can of worms here, but this is just my opinion.

Dysphoria

Dysphoria sucks. What is it?? Well..I've read many different meanings of the word, none of them pleasant. In my case, it's a mixture of despair, anger, anxiety, depression..on and on. I called out sick today, maybe that wasn't my best choice. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in the northeast. Not typical of March weather. I'd just as soon stay in and sleep though. These moods just kind of happen. I could always guess at a reason, but it really doesn't matter. There is always stress in life. Mine is no worse than anyone else's. This is just how my mind and body react. I have to cope with it. I know all the words of encouragement that could be offered. They are nice, but not always effective. I have supplemental meds, but they are not yet necessary. I will try to look for something humorous. Sometimes it helps. Writing this little blurb helps. I wish all my fellow bloggers the opposite of dysphoria, I guess that would be happiness.

Mimes and Stilt-People

I was out and about yesterday and ended up in a somewhat "festive" atmosphere. As so often happens in festive atmospheres there were mimes and stilt-people around. I'm sorry, but mimes are just plain annoying. Stilt-people aren't as bad, but are still irritating. I guess as long as kids are entertained the adults must suffer through it all. I personally am not impressed when a person with heavy make-up is trying to get out of an imaginary box in an imaginary room. I also don't like their exaggerated sadness and crying. There's enough real sadness around for all of us. Maybe I'm just an old bitch, but they really irk me!! Some people have "mime-type" personalities. You just know right away that it's better to stay away from them. They seem to have this needy aura about them, even before they utter a word. As my dearest, departed friend Murphy would have said: "They suck the life right out of you." I used to tolerate, and sometimes befriend this type of person because I couldn't bear to hurt anyone's feelings, but no more!! Mimes and mime-types will be not be included in my circle of friends and acquaintances if I can help it. They should all live on an island where they can annoy the hell out of each other. That having been said, it's time for my 3:00 meds.

Mom

It's been four years since my mom passed away. My dad passed away in 1986. I, like so many of my fellow baby boomers, am an orphan. My mom was the product of a strong, overbearing, mother and a passive father. She was born in Russia, and came to this country in the early 1900's. The family crossed Siberia in covered wagons (two brothers died along the way). They finally ended up at Ellis Island. They were a tough group. In those days they knew nothing of parenting techniques or fostering self-esteem. Women were subservient to men etc., etc.. My mom had some problems. She wanted the best for her kids, but was quite insecure and needy. Sometimes it was pure hell. I was very bitter and resentful during my teenage years, and had loads of problems (still do). You know what ?? It was a good thing. I finally grew up and stopped blaming. I got to know my mother as a fellow adult. We formed a wonderful bond and became friends. She still did her neurotic, needy stuff, and I did mine, but it was ok. Even with my depressions, hospital stays, panic attacks, and other psychological disorders (probably not yet named), I have been fortunate. I can see beyond the surface. Most times, I can look through someone's emotional garbage and find treasures. With my mom, I found gold. I miss you mom!!