Bad Hair and Evangelism

It may seem from my previous posts that I am slightly obsessed with TV personalities and bad hair styles. This could be true. However, I can't help but notice the hair on some of these TV evangelists..male and female. The one I'm watching right now has this bushy hair-sprayed do. I focus on the hair because I don't care about what he is saying or doing. This, to me, is just another infuriating scam to take money from people. This guy is doing the usual healing through the TV screen stuff. I do not follow any type of organized (or disorganized) religion. I have my own feelings and opinions about the scheme of things. I would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER be so presumptuous as to say I had any answers. I would be totally shocked if any supreme being, entity, or whatever would want one of these fools to represent them. That would just be a terrible cosmic joke on all of us. I changed the channel to The Simpsons, they are much more spiritual....and Marge has better hair!!

I Aim To Disappoint

You can't do everything for everyone. How blatantly obvious is that??!! I know this. You know this. So who needs to hear it again? I guess that would be me. I keep trying...and failing. It's so absolutely self-serving. I end up not wanting to do anything for anyone. A vicious cycle it is !! It's hell not having boundaries. Does anyone else relate to this? I'm sure there are many others. Maybe we should all get our own island and do whatever the hell we want. We would probably spend our time making sure everyone else was ok and would all be miserable. Oh well..ya just gotta laugh. Ha, ha, ha,....yuk!!

Enough Already !!

I never feel confident. No matter what decision I make. I just wish my intellect and emotions would get on the same page, it would be so much easier. Certain feelings from childhood remain with me. I love my family. Every one of them. There are extremes in the family, all different coping mechanisms. That's how I see it. We're all trying to survive. Some of our coping mechanisms have caused pain for close family members. There is some estrangement...this hurts deeply. I feel for both sides..and for myself, the middle person. There is a financial matter tearing at all of us now. I'm sure a totally objective party could make the right decisions. This is just so hard. I'm not seeing much humor in things today. That's a bad sign. I'll try to claw my way back tomorrow.

After The Big Plunge

What a day!! The Polar Bear Plunge was terrific. The air temperature was somewhere around freezing and the ocean was around 40 degrees. The coldest times were before and after the plunge. There were about 400 actual "plungers" and hundreds more spectators. A local bar held a contest for the best costume. I just wore a bathing suit (under a sweatshirt and jeans). The ocean was invigorating to say the least. It wasn't the same cold water shock you get in the summer because the water was warmer than the air. However, you freeze your butt off after you come out. It was great fun though. We all need to "let loose" sometimes, and this was my opportunity. I think I'll do it every year. Now I have something to mark on a calendar besides a doctor's appointment.

Ice Water

Tomorrow I'm going to jump into the ocean. They have this yearly thing here in the northeast called the polar bear plunge. Basically, you pay twenty-five dollars (goes to charity), get a free t-shirt, and run into the freezing ocean with a bunch of other maniacs. I've always wanted to do it, and this is my year. Why?? Who knows. It's a lot easier for me to jump into a freezing ocean than to deal with most social situations. That's just the way it is. There is a big party afterwards at a local bar. I think many of the participants hit the bar before the plunge. I will be sober so I will respond better to the CPR. (hopefully, I'm kidding). Oh well, anything for excitement. I'll give a full report tomorrow.

Doggie Gourmet Blues

I went to the mall yesterday looking for a new knapsack. It's hard to find just the right kind. Anyhow, this mall used to be the only one in the area. About 10 years ago they built a super mall 3 miles down the road. The original mall has managed to survive despite being smaller and attracting a more "blue collar" crowd so to speak. It has most of the usual mall kiosks like custom tee-shirts, gold by the inch, etc. One kiosk that caught my eye was this homemade doggie baked goods place. There was this woman sitting at a table with all these little bags of fancy dog treats. I'm sure these treats would be all the rage in Beverly Hills, or some other upscale place, but it seemed like a really bad idea to sell them at this mall. I sat on a bench eating my garlic pretzel and watching her table for about half an hour. One woman approached the table, but only wanted to chat. There were no customers. I almost felt compelled to go buy a small five dollar bag just to give her some business. As much as I love my dog, I could not bring myself to do this. My dog would not know or care about where the treat came from. She would probably prefer something from a garbage can. Why am I even writing about this ? (I ask myself). I think the doggie gourmet woman represented yet another well-intentioned exercise in futility. Maybe it's a metaphor for life. I guess sometimes the value is in the exercise, not the result.

Secretary of Defense Mechanisms

As I have mentioned in my previous posts (ad nauseum), my best (and probably only), coping mechanism is humor. I look for it everywhere. One of my many shallow hobbies is laughing at famous peoples' hairstyles, clothing, etc. I feel that once they are in the public eye they are fair game. This is only done for my own amusement. I would not publicly humiliate anyone other than myself. There might be a prominent newsperson discussing something deadly serious, and my focus will go directly to the bad hairstyle or ugly tie. I will comment to whoever is around about how ridiculous the person looks despite the fact that they may be discussing the proximity of the asteroid colliding with earth. I do not discuss politics in this blog. However, I do have to comment on Condoleezza Rice's hair style. In my opinion, she really needs a change. That old "flip" thing from the '60s just doesn't cut it. Feel free to give me your feed back on this. I personally feel she should have a shorter "do." It would be much more flattering. Anyway, I think there is a definite need for humor practitioners. You could go for your doctorate in Humorcology. Humor could be a supplement to your prescribed meds. Take 37.5 mg of Paxil CR at 4:00 PM. Watch the movie Airplane from 5:00 - 6:30. If you don't like slapstick, watch something a little more cerebral like Being There with Peter Sellers. Anything funny will do. You can't OD. Monty Python, Woody Allen, the list goes on and on. If you hear some bad news, do what you can. Then go immediately to your humor reserve. A word of advice.. Try to have a somewhat serious facade at times or they will increase your meds.

Paxil, Red Wine and Video Poker

In my previous posts, I mentioned my panic disorder. In my other posts, it was probably obvious that I have many disorders. For approximately 34 of the past 40 years I have been taking medication for my disorders. There was the 13 years of valium..ending in disaster. There were six years of plain old soul searching find answers. I found answers, tried various relaxation techniques, tried plain old "intestinal fortitude", and ultimately failed. The truth is (for me anyway), anxiety disorder is hellish. At different times I have taken elavil, norpramine, zoloft, prozac and serzone. Serzone has since been taken off the market for causing liver failure. My liver was fine, but Serzone contributed somewhat to what I now refer to as " The Breakdown of 2002." I have finally settled on Paxil as my legal drug of choice. So far, Paxil has kept the breakdowns at bay. I can function (never anxiety-free, but that's ok), and can occasionally have fun. What I have discovered is that a combination of Paxil and a glass or two of red wine give me an almost euphoric feeling. I am certainly not recommending this to anyone, but I really do enjoy that ride. Now, combine those chemicals and place me at a video poker machine. If I win, all the better. So I ask you..how shallow is that? It's all ok though. I'm tired of looking for deeper meanings. I'm also tired of listening to opinions, suggestions etc. I just want to travel my own road.

Greetings from Panic City

What a day today. Had kind of a panic attack this afternoon. People don't generally understand these things unless they've had them. How do you explain them? It's like you are drowning in an invisible ocean. You are screaming inside, but no one can hear. Even if they could, they could not help. You must wait for the wave to subside. I've had them since the age of ten. In those days they didn't have a clue. They used to use psychiatrists as threats for kids that misbehaved. Now they say most things are chemical imbalances. Who really knows....not me !! I just muddle through from day to day and laugh when I can. Hopefully, the next laugh is right around the corner.