Life, As I know it...

Sometimes I see the glass as half empty...and then I get thirsty. I try to take a drink only to realize that the glass is TOTALLY empty. Not only that, but it has a chip on the rim that cuts my lip. As if that's not enough, my lip starts to bleed profusely because the .81 mg of aspirin that I took to prevent the heart attack has thinned my blood. A disastrous chain of events then ensues leading to my ultimate demise and the end of civilization. My tortured soul is then released only to end up in a parallel world to face the exact same set of circumstances.
Oh well, just trying to maintain a cheery outlook. Happy holidays everyone!!

My Link

I'm not pushy at all. I can only say that I've made two $ 6.00 investments in this site and they have delivered as promised. I usually just write about my maladjustments and misadventures (if you check my other entries). However, if anyone wants to try this, you can use my link. Of course, I will make a little money on it, but you, in turn, can do the same. If you do try it, please give me feedback, as I am not out to scam anyone! Here's my link www.12dailypro.com/?ref=92421

Thanks..way in advance

Acting Out

Question:What makes a middle-aged woman walk down a deserted, dark road crying?
Answer: Despair, craziness, and immaturity. Sometimes I can't get my point across. Usually, I don't know my point. I just know how I feel...horrendous. I know so many of the reasons for my despair. No one really to blame at this point, not even myself. I have no more room for guilt. Certain situations are catalysts. Feeling rejected (real or imagined), feeling helpless, abandoned, whatever. These feelings cause unbearable pain for me, and sometimes I act badly. I like myself even less when I do this, but it seems to relieve some of the pain. Oh yeah, I know there are healthier ways to relieve emotional pain (like blogging). Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle. Tonight was one of those times. So I was once again the infant..the wrinkled old infant. Pretty scary...but just another day in the life. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Ugliness Is Only "Skin Deep"

This may be a curse, but I have the ability to see beneath the surface. What I mean is, I don't take people at "face value." I think it's quite obvious that people behave badly when they are feeling badly. It's also obvious that there are many reasons to feel badly. Whether it's a lifelong problem or only a temporary situation emotional pain cripples us in various ways. Basically, we either act out in some way (crying, yelling, being rude, etc.), or withdraw. Often we alternate between the two. Just as some people deal with chronic physical pain, there are those of us that deal with chronic emotional pain. Bad behaviors are coping mechanisms. I try to ease my own emotional pain by finding humor in things, which often requires creativity (along with a twisted mind). Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I usually see the good beneath the surface. I believe that the vast majority of us have goodness at our core. That is why when people say, "How can you like him or her?", or "Why do you bother with them?", I know the answer. It's because I can see beneath the surface. Sometimes I wish I couldn't, but I think it's all part of my path in life.

Stupid Sayings

There is a sign that I've seen in some workplaces, it goes a little something like this: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, etc., etc., etc....
I know many of us have seen this sign. For those of us who have had nervous breakdowns, it's just NOT FUNNY !! For me, having a nervous breakdown is like being sucked into this hellish vacuum. Whatever self-control I had is gone. There are no longer any pleasant emotions, only despair. Does anyone actually want to earn something like that? I THINK NOT. So..take down those signs. It's like wishing for a terminal disease. Avoid it like the plague (pun intended).
I'm writing this because lately it's been a little windy up here on my tightrope.
Who knows why? It doesn't matter why, all that matters is not falling.

Such a baby

I have this new toy now. I've been wanting a laptop for so long. Now I am sitting in bed posting to my blog. What a thrill. I've brought my little computer world to my bedroom. No more uncomfortable desk chairs. I have my pillows, comforters, and my t.v. Ain't technology great?
The idea of bedroom fun has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Well as they say, "whatever turns you on." Of course, they also say, "It's all good." Liars!!!

More Referrals

Ok, here goes another link. I'm trying to get a flat screen monitor. This is supposedly legit. Here's the link http://flatscreens.freepay.com/?r=23464394

The Doormat Foundation

I am going to create a new organization for those of us that have been doormats all of our lives. As we all know, a "doormat" is the type of person that takes way too much emotional abuse from others. The others could be strangers, family, or friends. It doesn't matter. We will occasionally speak up for ourselves, but usually feel guilty when we do. In general, we are caring people who would do anything to "keep the peace". It is very important for us to be liked, even by people we can't stand. People tend to mistreat us just because they can. I guess everyone likes to feel empowered. Maybe we should have a 12 step program and we could all be recovering doormats. The first step would be to ask others to make amends to us . Oh well, maybe it's just a self-pity day. All comments are welcome...unless they are hurtful. I've reached my quota.

Oh no, I'm Advertising

OK, here's the deal. I joined Stormpay and they have all these "randomizers". This one for bums captured my interest. If you're a Stormpay member, you can send money via e-mail. If you feel like it you can check it our at this url http://www.spare2bucks.com/random/?id=foobie@comcast.net

I'm not the selling type, and I can't guarantee anything, but it doesn't hurt to look. Thanks in advance, and yes, I feel guilty.

BPD + Caffeine+ Tiredness + Blog =

Here is my de-railed train of thought tonight. Am I right or wrong? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that ? I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm an awful person. No I'm not, I'm a good person. I think I'm ugly...no average...no.. not bad for my age..no..bad for any age. I'm angry. I'm happy. I don't know what I am. Life is funny...no it's not. I'm having trouble breathing, no, I'm breathing fine. Did I make the right decision? I think I'm getting a cold..no, I'm not. I'm nuts..yes, I am nuts. Are there any questions???

Retired..the real work begins

I am retired. Wow, I suddenly feel free....and old. A large percentage of my life has gone by. Now what? So far, I've spent many hours pondering..which I also did at work. Did I need the structure that my job offered? Well, actually, my job had no structure. I did have lots of interactions with other people, and some nice work friendships. I miss those. I don't miss the frustration of the job. The question is, "What do I need now?" Money, for one. I also need some interactions with people I love...just some interactions. Being borderline, I can't take too much. I also want to have fun as long as I can. Sometimes, that's the most difficult work of all. My fun this morning was looking in the mirror and laughing at my appearance. I guess that's not very constructive. I will try to laugh at something else..not related to myself. Maybe I'll watch the 700 club, or a rerun of The Nanny. I could always practice my violin. Yes, I play the violin. I used to do it for a living, until I ran out of bourbon and valiums (I'm entirely serious). Well anyway, I wish my blog family a wonderful day.

Polly

Usually when we say something's "a scream" we mean it's funny. When I say that my mother's side of the family was a scream, I really mean "a scream"!!
They were a mixture of the loudest, most abrasive male and female voices in the world. As if that wasn't bad enough, they used their loud voices constantly. The "meeting of the loud" often took place at my great aunt's house. We called her meemah Haikah. I think meemah meant "aunt". I don't know what language it was...maybe Russian. My grandmother had eighteen brothers and sisters so there were a lot of meemahs. They all looked like the same old lady wearing the same house dress. The old Russians weren't big on getting all dolled up. They were, however, big on yelling. The noise at my great aunt's house was deafening. A war could have broken out, and we wouldn't have heard the bombs dropping. Be that as it may (whatever the hell that means), it was one of my favorite places. This was because of the parrot. Meemah Haika's son Morris was a surgeon who had successfully operated on his friend's parrot. The friend turned this mean-spirited bird over to cousin Morris, who then gave him to his mother, the afore-mentioned meemah Haika. The bird, being mean and loud, fit in beautifully. They weren't big on originality, so they named him Polly. He quickly learned everyone's name and would tell them each to shut-up at the appropriate time. Of course, they didn't listen. He also liked to scare people as they came in the door. It was a poorly lit hallway, and people couldn't see him. He would yell "Up against the wall!" People would think they were being held up (it was a dangerous neighborhood). We were sometimes lucky enough to bird-sit when my aunt went away. We would put his cage in our kitchen. He learned our dog's name and would repeatedly call him. The dog would come running into the kitchen and look around confused. Polly loved that game. He was used to having toast and coffee in the morning and would start screaming for it at 6:00 AM. He was the most entertaining pet I ever knew. It's amazing that personality traits that are so obnoxious in people could be so cute in an animal. Now there's an intelligent design!

Guilt Over Previous Post

I feel very guilty about my previous post. I didn't want to mislead anyone. I'm really hoping the money thing will work. It's an interesting premise. I'll be sure to let everyone know. That having been said, I will focus my guilt onto something else. It's there, and it needs a focus. Mabye some day I will have a guiltectomy, but that would probably involve my whole being. I wonder what the difference is between "otomy" and "ectomy" ? You know, appendectomy, lobotomy.
They both involve removal. Oh well, I've had way too much coffee and not enough paxil. Combine that with crazy and you've got a bad thing. I wish everyone a lovely day. Just be thankful that you're not living with me!

Money making???? Maybe

Ok, here goes,
I can't say if this works or not, but I sent $ 10 to the first person on the list about an hour ago. I checked this out on lots of scam sights, and didn't find anything negative. I'll let you know if it works. Try it if you like. Who knows, maybe we'll all make money.


I turned $10 into $31,250 within the first 30 days of operating this business plan. If you decide to take action on the following instructions, you will enjoy a similar return! Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Please do not be skeptical about this program. At least think about it for a few days. Otherwise you will be throwing away over $30,000 in cash! This system has been working for 2 years and thousands of people have joined and they have been amazed by the results of a little time and $10! You will too!


Start Now, free - Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Here's what you need to do. . .

STEP 1

Ok, the very first and most important thing you need to do is SAVE this page in your Favorites so you can come back to it if you lose it. Done that? Ok, if you're not already a Stormpay user, you need to click on the Stormpay link below and SIGN UP. It takes just 2 minutes!

https://www.stormpay.com/stormpay/promo.php

Be sure to use the link below so you can sign up for a free BUSINESS account. You'll need to have a BUSINESS account (and not a PERSONAL account) otherwise you won't be able to receive credit card payments from other people.



Here's the link: Click Here To Create a Stormpay Account

STEP 2

It is an undeniable law of the universe that we must first give in order to receive.
So the first thing to do when you have your Stormpay account is to send a $10 payment from your Stormpay account to the FIRST email address in the list below. After you have paid the first person, that person will then email back to you the software download link and email blast info: Also, your payment to the person in the number 1 position, GUARANTEES that you will be paid as the program proceeds and when your name reaches the top position. This guarantees there will be no cheating. This is what makes it FOOL PROOF. To do this successfully, follow these simple steps:

1. Login to Stormpay and click on the Send Money tab;

2. In the 'Recipient's Email' field enter the FIRST email address of list of 5 below;

3. In the 'Amount' field enter 10 (this is your $10 payment);

4. In the 'Type' field select Service (though it doesn't really matter what you put here, this is for Stormpay's own records)


**5. This Is VERY IMPORTANT!! In the 'Note' field on the Stormpay form, enter Send Software Download Links (Be certain to add this note, as this is what keeps this program legal).

6. Finally, click on the Continue button to complete the payment. That's it!

Please note: following step five exactly will ensure that the program will work for you and that you will be paid. When you send your $10 payment to the first address in the list, do it with a great big smile on your face because "as you sow, so shall you reap!"



Here's the current list:

1. sales@totallyfreecars.com

2. info@paychecks-now.com

3. navha@optonline.net

4. sales@click-space.com

5. foobie@comcast.net

After you have transferred a $10 payment to the email address at the top of the list, something very eerie happens. It gives you an indescribable, overwhelming sense of certainty, belief and conviction in the system. You've just proved to yourself that, because you have done it, there must be a great number of other people ready to do exactly the same. Thus you have now seen for yourself, first hand, that this business actually works!


Don't be tempted not to send the $10 to the first person! Because....here is why....


If you don't send the $10 to the person at the top of this list, you won't make it to step 4, which is the best part of the whole program. That's the part which Makes it foolproof!

STEP 3

Once you've sent a $10 payment to the address at the top of the list (along with your note - this is VERY important!), the next thing you need to do is to obtain a copy of the contents of this page, as you'll be sending it out (as an email message or by advertising your page, like I have done) to at least 40 people (keep in mind that 40 is a good number of people to reach, but with all the different ways of advertising for free on the internet the amount of views and signups under you could well exceed into the hundreds or thousands if you wish....the more people who join the more profitable for everyone on the list, including you). The copy that you will send out will contain YOUR email address at number 5 in the list - having deleted the address at Number 1 in the list, and moving the others up a position.

The best way to do this is you can copy and paste into emails to your family and friends. You can copy and paste it and put ad's on the internet on message boards etc. Or you can create your own free website, by copying and pasting. There are many free webpages you can build on the web. For example 2 good ones are http://www.geocities.com/ or http://www.cmlb.net/. Both of these are simple to use. And the best part of having this info on a website for people to follow is you can post links to your site on paid to click websites or paid to read email sites, for great advertising. There are countless ways to get more people like me and you involved in this amazing program.



A. Go to the toolbar at the top of the window and select "Edit" and then "Select All".


B. Go to the toolbar again and select "Edit" and then "Copy".

C. Start (compose) a new email message (PLAIN TEXT so everyone can view it!).

D. Fill in your email address and subject line, and then click in the main message area.

E. Go to "Edit" and "Paste" to paste the text into your new email message. Now you can edit and format the message text in any way you want! However, it's best to just leave the text as it is because you want your email to be read by everyone who receives it!

The only thing you need to make sure of is that YOUR email address is at Number 5 in the list in STEP 2. Of course, the address that was previously at Number 1 should have been removed, and the other email addresses should have been moved up a position to accommodate yours at Number 5. As long as you have done this correctly, your email is ready for sending!


A word of warning! Don't be tempted to add your email address to position 1 in order to earn money fast! It doesn't work like that! If you do that, you will ONLY reach the people you directly send emails to, and then your address will be immediately removed from the Number 1 place and you won't reach thousands of people! But, if you add your name to the Number 5 position, there will be literally tens of thousands of people receiving and sending email's later - when your name is at the Number 1 spot!!!

F. Once you've got your email message ready, send out a minimum of 40 copies of the email - but only to people you know, or to people who respond to MLM offers, or to people who've sent YOU offers. By sending this letter and the payment via EMAIL, the response time is EXTREMELY fast.......... ELECTRONIC TRANSFER INTERNET FAST!!! That's why it takes only a few days for those $10 payments to start flooding into your Stormpay account!'


Or let the pros send your emails for you. This is a great way to get it done right with...
No Hassle, No Flames, No Spam Complaints, No Lost ISP, No Headache!!


Except for step 4 (which will end up being your favorite part), THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT! The whole process should take you about 30 minutes to complete.

STEP 4 - THE LAST STEP! This is everyone's favorite step, because it is the step that makes it foolproof! It's also the step that keeps this program legal and 100%! But.... we are not going to give you this step yet....not until you send your $10 payment to the person at the top of the list above. So go ahead and send your payment, and then you can move on to the final step.

BE PREPARED TO GET EXCITED.... YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!!! Half an hour of easy work is all that's needed - no capital outlay, no postage stamps, no printing, copying or waiting, and the concept is 100% legal.

You have most likely seen or heard about this project on TV programs such as 20/20 and Oprah Winfrey, or you may have read about it in the Wall Street Journal. If not, here it is below - revealed to you in step-by-step detail. This program is by no means new. It has been in existence in many forms for at least a decade. But in the early days, it required a lot more time and effort, as well as an outlay of a few hundred dollars. However, thanks to Stormpay and the Internet, the outlay is now virtually ZERO! And what's more, the entire process is FASTER, EASIER, and MORE LUCRATIVE than it has EVER been!

To date, I have made exactly $592,720. My accountant has drawn up a cash-flow forecast in which he predicts that, within the next 12 months, I will become a millionaire just through this one business alone. Even now as I write this, I find it strange to come to terms with the fact that, like most people, I've worked hard and struggled all my life just to "get by" and then something ridiculously simple drops into my lap and immediately turns my life around completely. When I think back to all the similar emails I had previously deleted, it makes me shudder, because now I know just how close I came to missing out completely.



The business works perfectly every single time. I've never made less than $30,000 from it on each occasion. Let me assure you that this is a LEGITIMATE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY, a perfectly legal moneymaking enterprise. It does not require you to sell anything. It does not require you to speak to your friends, family or anybody else (unless you want to). In fact, you do not need to come into contact with any people whatsoever. Anyone with a pulse can become successful and make their fortune with this system. If you follow the simple step-by-step plan exactly as it is set out below, you will likely receive up to $30,000 in cash via your Stormpay account. I know that this must sound like an outrageous claim, particularly if you've never had possession of this sort of money before, but believe me, this business works like nothing else you may have seen before in your life! By following the simple 3-step plan set out below, within a few short weeks your life will be transformed beyond all recognition! Please do not allow your initial skepticism to deprive you of certain financial success.



If you decide not to take advantage of this life-changing opportunity, I would like you to know that I sincerely respect your decision and I understand that you will have your reasons. I therefore wish you the very best of luck for the future. I am able to say this with absolute sincerity because, as you will see, if you decide to work this plan, I will not receive any financial compensation from you whatsoever. After all, I am sharing this system with you for free. However, remember life is short. Nobody has ever said that you can't have the financial freedom to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. But you must first pay the price. The price here is action; it's as simple as that! I'm very proud to be able to say that I've fulfilled my duty to my wife and children by securing their financial future in a very uncertain world, and I don't believe that any price is too great to pay for such peace of mind.



NEED PROOF? Here are just 3 testimonials from the countless individuals who decided to invest nothing more than $10 and half an hour of their time to participate in this program:



"What an amazing plan! I followed your instructions just 3 weeks ago, and I'm already up to $21,140. I'm VERY excited."

Alan Fernandez , CA



To be honest, I didn't really think anything would come of it. But when I checked my Stormpay account a week later, there was over $7,000 in it! I can't thank you enough!"

Liza M. Raleigh, NC



"I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my Stormpay account. Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $23,490. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!"

Richard Bennett, OH



Just a few months ago, each of these people were doing the same thing as you are at this very moment - reading this! But because they decided to follow the simple instructions given below, they are now considerably better off as a result. And there's no reason whatsoever why you can't share in this success. You've got nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain!



Here's how it works:



When you send out your emails, your email address will initially be at Number 5 in the list. That's the best position it can be in at this stage if you want to make serious money. The response-rate for this program is much higher than any typical email marketing campaign for a number of reasons, which are explained later. As long as you send your emails to people who are likely to be interested in this program, on average, you can expect a response from about 25% of the people you send to. But let's be extremely conservative here and assume that you receive an average response rate of only 12.5%. . .



If you send out your email to 40 different people, you can expect at least 5 of those people to do exactly what you did (12.5% of 40 = 5). By this time, your email address will have moved up to Number 4 in the list, and this list will now have reached around 200 people (5 x 40).



Out of those 200 people, you can expect at least 25 of them to participate (12.5% of 200 = 25), so that's a further 1,000 emails (25 x 40) being sent out and your email address will have risen to Number 3 in the list.



Out of those 1,000 people, you can expect at least 125 of them to participate (12.5% of 1,000 = 125), so that's a further 5,000 emails (125 x 40) being sent out with you now at the Number 2 position.



Out of those 5,000 people, you can expect at least 625 of them to respond (12.5% of 5,000 = 625), so that's 25,000 emails (625 x 40) being sent out with YOUR ADDRESS at the Number 1 spot!



Now, out of those 25,000 people, you can expect around 3,125 of them to respond (12.5% of 25,000 = 3,125). And since you will now be at NUMBER 1 in the list, you will receive: $31,250 (3,125 x $10).



So, when your name starts to hit the Number 1 position within the next few days, it will be YOUR turn to collect the money! As the program runs the course, this money will be sent to you by a lots people just like yourself - who are willing to invest half an hour to receive around $30,000 or more in cash! When following these instructions, the first payments should arrive within a few days, and they can continue at the rate of about 100 payments per day until it completes it's course. After that time, the volume of payments begins to taper off as your email address vacates the Number 1 position.



That's all you need to do! There can be up to $30,000 in $10 payments waiting for you in your Stormpay account within the next few weeks. $30,000 for just 30 minutes work! This is real money that you can spend on anything you wish! Just deposit it to your own bank account or spend it directly from your Stormpay account!!! It's just that easy!!!



Unlike many other MLM programs, this 5-LEVEL PROGRAM costs you only $10. That's right, only $10 ONCE, which is much more realistic and provides much, much faster results. Only the first person on the list gets your $10 gift, but everyone in the list will rise to that Number 1 position as thousands of emails are being sent out. No cheating can occur (don't be fooled by claims that this system can be cheated) as Stormpay only allows one account per person. Because it is so easy, the response rate is VERY HIGH and VERY FAST - Internet email FAST, and you will start seeing dramatic results in less than one week! JUST IN TIME FOR NEXT MONTH'S BILLS!



Remember, you need only mail out 40 spam free copies to start with. This should be enough to generate a substantial lump sum within 30 days. For example, send to personal contacts and reply to people who send their programs to you, as they are already working on the web. They know these programs work and they are already believers in the system! This is NOT considered SPAM if you are responding to other people's offers, or sending to friends, family and contacts, or if you are using a legitimate mailing list.



So, email your letters out today, and then prepare yourself for a huge influx of cash within the next 30 days!!!



You are probably skeptical of this, especially with all the different programs out there on the Web, but if you don't try this you will never know. I felt exactly the same as you probably do right now. I wanted to believe but i just couldn't help thinking that there was some sort of catch. But then I realized that I had absolutely nothing to lose. After all, I was only being asked to invest a measly $10, and yet I could earn many thousands of dollars within a month. And all for just half an hour of my time! Therefore I went ahead and did exactly as the email requested. This took me around 30 minutes in total, and I'm so, so, glad I did that!



But please play by the rules! This program doesn't cost anything but $10 and about half an hour of your time, and if everyone plays fair, everyone WINS!!



So there it is. You now have the knowledge that will enable you to make up to $30,000 within the next few weeks. The only thing that can hold you back now is a lack of faith or a lack of self-belief. However, any doubts you may currently have will disappear within a few days of putting this plan into practice. Trust me on this! You certainly won't regret it.












Make $30,000 in 30 Days!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fly Swatter

My mom used to say, "We're all like flies on a wall." She was referring, of course, to our complete vulnerability (as evidenced by the Katrina tragedy). She (my mom) also managed to avoid the big swatter for 88 years despite having heart attacks, cancer, and a terrible car accident at the age of 84. We just never know. So much of my life has been wasted on worrying about what might happen. One of the few good things about getting older is that you have less time to worry about the inevitable...thus the saying, "Live each day to the fullest." It seems like the fullest days for me are crammed with worries. Maybe I should live each day to the emptiest? Is that a zen thing? Just pondering (for a change). Well, this fly on the wall is going to land on some dinner.

More Katrina

I have added my blog to a list for Katrina aid. My recommended charity is The American Red Cross. As soon as I figure out how to set up links, I will add more stuff.

Katrina

I was going to write about my stuff tonight....but I can't. People have lost so much because of Katrina. My heart goes out to them.

Oh no ! Is it that time again??

I guess the term "nervous breakdown" is somewhat out-dated. For me, however it's the only suitable term for what has happened to me five times in my life. I broke down...much like an old car. I could no longer move. I'm used to a certain amount of anxiety and depression. It's been pretty much a way of life with me. That's o.k. Sometimes though, the breaking point is near. The trouble is, the warning signs are not clear. I often feel I'm on the edge, but will wake up the next morning feeling better. I just never know. There are really no particular precautions to take. My future is up for grabs. Today has been an edge day. Pretty scary. I'll see what tomorrow brings. There are lots of stressful things happening, but there are always stressful things in life. I could guess at reasons for the breakdowns, but I'll never know the truth. Sometimes I think it's just a faulty nervous system. Something misfires and VOILA...breakdown number six!! There ought to be a lemon law. I'd be the first one in line to replace the bad parts. I'd even settle for something rebuilt. I guess I'll just keep hanging tough with the other breakdownees. I know you're out there...and I do feel your pain.

A "Not So Beautiful" Mind

I've really been on the old depression/anxiety merry-go-round lately (as if I ever stepped off). I am at the mercy of my crazy mind. My favorite hobby lately is self-torment. I have made it into an art form. If it was an Olympic event, I would have a gold medal. I try say nice things to myself, but I know I'm lying. Every day I tell myself how fortunate I am in so many ways. My big misfortune is being so screwed up. I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am simply assessing my situation. As my very closest friend (now deceased) once said, "Every day is different." Somehow, that makes me feel better. It may be a different kind of torture, but it will change. Strange comfort for a strange mind. Oh well, onward and upward...or maybe sideward. Who knows.

I think, therefore I am....NOT!!!

What the hell?? I mean, who wrote that? Descartes..that's who !! Have you seen his picture? The size of his nose would be enough to prove his existence. Why has that phrase been so popular?
So what if we think and we are. Existing ain't livin'. Some people don't seem to do any thinking at all, yet sadly they seem to exist. The non-thinkers are often heads of large corporations or countries even. So here I am thinking and existing, thinking and existing..big friggin' deal. In my opinion it's a colossal waste of time to ponder one's existence. I don't think we'll ever figure out the meaning of it all, and who cares?? LIVING...that's the thing! Absorb every beautiful thing possible. Give what you're able to give, and savor every good thing that passes your way. I am not yet able to do this of course, but it's a goal...or even a quest. At my ripe old age...this is my philosophy. My emotions fight this philosophy, but my intellect knows it's the only thing that makes sense. So there!! I've said my little piece. The phrase "get a life" seems to have taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

Who am I..no really...Who am I ??

Many years ago a very pompous psychiatrist told me that I had an "as if" personality. He was a pompous, pill-pushing, arrogant son-of-a-bitch....but he was right. He told me that I related to others as if they were my parents, or somehow in charge of me. This is a kind of borderline personality thing. I was always the chameleon...blend in, don't make waves. Thirty-five years later, I'm only a tiny bit better. I have this little speck of a personality that sometimes speaks up, sometimes not. The trouble is, I usually feel "in the wrong" when I speak up for myself. I think I'm not as nice a person as people think I am. Eighty five percent of the time I don't want to do the things I am doing for others. It's true. I just have to keep the balance for my own security. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I am not mean. That is one good thing about me. Also, I love animals. The truth is though, I'd just as soon keep to myself and admire things from afar. I'm not good with any kind of intimacy.....with anyone. I'm currently in the process of trying to retire from my long time job. It's scary, and I will have more time to think, but I think it's necessary. Oh well..just rambling to my blog friends. Thanks for reading !!

Warrior/Loser

O.K. Here's what I want to say tonight. I am actually crying while writing this. My psychiatrist had to write a brief history of my psychological problems for some paperwork I needed. She wrote what I considered to be a very accurate account of my past and present maladies. That having been said..it threw me for a loop. I guess in a way I've considered myself a kind of warrior. I've created a kind of emotional sword over the years to slay the anxiety/depression dragons before they completely devour me. The sword was created with humor and as much rational thought as I can muster. Well, sometimes it's tough to fight, sometimes I get ambushed. I know, I know...the dragons are me. It's all me. Why do I torture myself ? I have some of the answers. Low self esteem is one answer. Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positively. Oh yeah, and I could write down all the good stuff about me etc. Sometimes I do those things. Sometimes they help. I feel better when I do something nice for someone. All these things help some of the time....but.....there is something else. This intangible thing, this core of sadness. Could be chemical...who knows. It's always with me. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am lucky in so many ways, and for that I am thankful. I am just stating facts. I am torn between thinking I pamper myself too much and I don't pamper myself enough. When I read my mental illness biography I did not look like a warrior. I looked like a pathetic loser, and it made me sad. I suppose I could say, "Look what you've come through, and you're still here." Maybe...but right now I can't. I just think I should do better. I don't always know what better is, and if better is possible. I will, however, keep plodding on. By the way, did you know that there is such a word as "suicidality" ? I wouldn't recommend using it on a resume'. Here's to happier times.

Yikes !!

I haven't posted in over a week (as if that's not obvious from the dates on the posts). There's just so much going on. Lots of stress that will hopefully have a good outcome. Time will tell..or maybe time won't tell. Anyway, yesterday I was pondering, as I am prone (or standing) to do. It's yet another silly topic. Actually, it's about body odor. I try to be as clean as possible. I'm a terrible dresser with messy hair, but I am very clean. Why is it, then, that when I smell a bad odor I immediately suspect myself. I was in line at the supermarket and someone had terrible B.O.. It seemed to be emanating from a gentleman in the next line, yet I kept discretely trying to check my own armpits. I have never smelled like that in my entire life. I would have to not shower for three months to smell half as badly as that guy, but I continued to check myself. It was as if I was some kind of B.O. accomplice. I do it every time there's an odor. I've driven past pig farms and felt somewhat at fault for the smell. I guess it's just another low self-esteem thing. Well, no use making a big "stink" about it. (That really did stink)!!

Walk-ins aren't always welcome

I'm really fascinated by supernatural type stuff. You know, the unexplainable. UFO's, ghosts, near death experiences, why "Yes Dear" is still on the air etc. The other day I was watching unsolved mysteries and they were talking about walk-ins. Apparently these are people whose bodies were taken over by another soul. Some of them had near death experiences and came to as someone else. Others were just minding their own business when some kind of coup d'soul occurred. Anyhow these people literally felt like strangers in their own skin. Some of them insisted their families call them by a different name. Divorces ensued. It's a really complicated thing. I suppose it could be explained away as some kind of personality disorder, or just plain insanity. I wouldn't be so hasty. Many people feel better when they have answers to things that make sense to them. Nothing makes sense to me. Not from my point of reference. This whole process of life is such a mystery to me that I am open to anything. To me, that's part of the fun. It's also scary, but that's ok. I would rather be open to possibilities than cling to answers that are designed to make me secure and comfortable. If a walk-in does move into my body, I hope they buy it some nicer clothes.

Toilet Dog

Along with the scary memories of my childhood, I have some very fond memories of my adult years with my mom. My mom was a giver. If she loved you, she would do anything for you. She had a great deal of trouble relating to people in a relaxed fashion. I realized that she had some serious self esteem issues. Any emotional damage I may have suffered at her hands was not done intentionally. She was only trying to survive as best she could..like all of us. Anyhow, one of her most wonderful qualities was the giving. She was a terrific baker, and would fatten us all up with delicious cheese cakes and other goodies. She would also fall for every new gimmick that was advertised, many of which were junk that never worked. I remember her buying these travel toothbrushes for everyone. They were these plastic tubes with a toothbrush on the end. You could never squeeze any paste into the tube so they were essentially useless. We all had to tell her that we loved them. This was required with all of her gifts. If you said something didn't work she would take it personally and feel that it was somehow your fault. The path of least resistance was to say it was the best gift you had ever seen. The downside is that she would keep buying more of the same things. Of course, looking back, I wish I had kept every useless gift she ever gave me. At some point she became obsessed with wristwatches. They usually fell apart within the first month (obviously because we were wearing them wrong). I still have a few non-working watches sitting around my house. I also have talking salt and pepper shakers that she had given me. The pepper shaker will often sneeze as you walk by the cabinet. My mom loved animals, so she liked to buy presents for our pets. She had given me two of these toilet dogs for my dog, Sophie. Sophie chewed the ears off of the other toilet dog, but this one remains intact. I smile every time I look at it. I love the connection. I would do anything to have her here to hand me another non-working gift. They worked for me!!

DONE!!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I just don't know who I am, what I want, what I don't want etc. What should I expect from my partner? What should I expect from others? I'm usually willing to do favors for others. I don't mind. There are certain things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Babysitting is one of them. I will do this in certain circumstances, but generally I find it torturous. You see, I don't have a very strong sense of self, and what I do have is lost very easily. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have this problem. I have some borderline traits, and some OCD traits. I can't comfortably discuss the specifics, but it's kind of like an ongoing fear thing. Anyway, I'll usually refuse to babysit, and then feel tremendous guilt over refusing. Part of my problem is that I come off as being more together than I actually am. I'm very shaky emotionally, and I don't want to push the envelope. I've fallen apart 3 or 4 times in my life. I don't know if I could make it through another breakdown. I'm not trying to wallow in self-pity or anything, I just want to stay afloat. It's hard to get others to understand, actually it's downright impossible. So here I am, beating myself once again. Here's what I want to say- I will do whatever I can for those I love, just please understand my shortcomings, and don't expect more than I can offer. Please!!!

Oh So Popular

I was a geeky teenager. I was a chubby kid with acne who played the violin. I really needed my sense of humor. It helped me through the awkward years..which come to think of it, never ended. My looks fortunately improved to average, which is all I need. My wit and my eagerness to please everyone at any cost gained me many friends. The wit I want to keep. I'd like to lose the pleasing everyone thing. It is an unbelievably exhausting job. I must retire from this job, as I don't like the hours (approximately 17 per day, I sleep the other 7). I'd like to dissolve this corporation of one..The Please Everyone Company. I am going out of business. Not one penny to show for all those years of hard work. Instead, I am in deep emotional debt to myself. I'll have to go to the Bank of "Learning to Say No" and get a loan. It's not everyone else...it's me. My company was built on fear and guilt. No more. I'm just too tired. I will just do what I can, and only what I can. Hopefully, those I love will stay around, if only to hear the next joke.

Mortality

I've always been waiting for my own demise. I remember as far back as I could count measuring how many years I had left. I would use my mother's side of the family to predict my longevity. Most of them lived to be at least ninety. The outlook might have been grim had I used my father's side. I always took comfort in the fact that I had many years to go. It's great to be naive !! Well, I have had quite a few years, and despite the emotional problems I'm hoping for as many more quality years as I can have. When I say quality, I mean feeling physically and mentally well enough to still be able to laugh. Certain things inevitably come with age. I accept these things. Quite naturally, I fear the serious illnesses, but try not to dwell on those fears. Lately I've had a couple of minor things happen. First, (as pictured on a previous blog), viral conjunctivitis. No biggie. It was very uncomfortable, but ran its course. The latest is this skin infection (in the groin area...Yuck). There is swelling , redness, blisters, and there was a fever. It was scary enough to get me to the ER on Sunday. They said it was a staph infection (although my white cell count was normal), and put me on antibiotics. It's not that much better, but the fever is gone. Anyway, my mind started going to the fear place lately. You know...what if this is a sign of serious illness? What if it never heals?..on and on. I want to stop being afraid. Something will get me. Whether it's now, or 30 years from now. I am not religious in the conventional sense. I believe there is something after death. I have heard all the arguments. I have to come to my own conclusion. Anyway, in the mean time I want to learn to roll with the punches, because the punches will be a lot harder and more frequent as I age. This is why I'm making this entry. It's a self-help kind of thing. If you've been patient enough to read this, thanks. I wish you all the strength that I've been seeking!!

The Panic Attack-(a one-act play)

Cast of two characters: Intellect(played by me)
Emotions (played by me)

The scene: Bedroom, 12:00 AM, Tuesday morning. Characters both asleep, awake suddenly in a state of extreme terror for no obvious reason.

INTELLECT: OH NO, It's happening again!! Why??

EMOTIONS: Screaming silently..HELLLPPP !!

INTELLECT: I'm losing my mind, I can't go on, I'll end up in a mental hospital.

EMOTIONS: I'M DYING!!!!

INTELLECT:My heart's beating so fast, I'm going to have a heart attack, my body can't take this.

EMOTIONS: HELP, I'M LOST, I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

INTELLECT:You're a grown woman, get it together, don't let this happen.

EMOTIONS: IT'S HAPPENING AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT. THIS IS THE END OF YOUR SANITY!

INTELLECT: Find some alcohol and drink it, anything to stop the fear. No, just take deep breaths, try to relax.

EMOTIONS: Feeling like scared infant, still screaming silently.

INTELLECT: Looks over at gaudy ceramic poodle on nightstand (belonged to mom).
Poodle suddenly looks frightening, like ceramic poodle from hell. Heart races again.


EMOTIONS: OH NO, I'M HALLUCINATING, I'M INSANE. HELLPPP!!

INTELLECT: My pulse seems to be slowing down. Maybe it's subsiding.

EMOTIONS: NO IT'S NOT, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP!!

INTELLECT: Yes, it's definitely subsiding.

EMOTIONS: BUT IT WILL COME RIGHT BACK, AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!

INTELLECT: I better call my doctor tomorrow and discuss medications. I'm scared.

EMOTIONS: TOMORROW WILL BE HORRIBLE, YOU'VE FALLEN APART!!

INTELLECT: I'm exhausted.

EMOTIONS: I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

Both characters fall asleep....again.

THE END.

Viral Conjunctivitis

Pretty!! 

Here's my latest ailment. Yes, that's my left eye. I tried like hell to avoid catching a cold at work because I had scheduled a Florida trip on Memorial Day. I was going to visit my niece, her husband, and their two babies (one brand new). Well, I contracted this yucky conjunctivitis (first time ever). This is the viral kind which lasts one or two weeks. I couldn't have gotten the bacterial which responds to antibiotics in two or three days. Nope, not me, I go for the big guns. The added bonus to all this is I get to look so much more attractive than usual. Who could resist this eye? Oh well, it could be a lot worse. The thing is, it makes you feel kind of "unclean". I really do have excellent hygiene. It's the least I can do to make the world a little cleaner. I guess there's no avoiding certain things. The good news is, it's not transmitted through blogging, so feel free to read. Although, I can't promise that you won't be bored!!

Fringe Dweller

I feel that I live on the edge. The edge of madness? I don't know. Maybe that's a bit too dramatic. The edge of emotional collapse might be more accurate. It's not all that horrible. There are good and bad times. As long as the tide keeps turning, it's bearable. Lately, I've been missing the old valium and alcohol days. I used to use this mixture of the two in order to function. Of course, over the years, I developed a huge tolerance (especially for the valium). I'd need a varying amount of both substances to get through the days. I would not recommend this to ANYONE !!! I can attest to the fact that this lovely combo stops working , and then comes the withdrawal, which is pure hell. However, when it did work, it was wonderful. It was like "THE ANXIETY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" I could work, socialize, laugh...all that good stuff; but again, the price I paid was torturous. Anyway, now I have paxil. It helps, but doesn't blot out the pain. Paxil and wine come close, which is why I have to be careful. I can't let it become a habit. Substances can be very enticing to those of us that suffer from anxiety and/or depression. However, speaking for myself (as I can't for anyone else), I have to let in some of the pain. If I don't, I will not feel as alive, and the good things won't have as much meaning.

Sunday Blues

Yesterday was a truly good day. I worked in the yard, ate good food, and had the next day off. Today I lounged around and started thinking about work at around 2:00 PM. This happens every Sunday. Yeah, I know, count my blessings etc. Work is not such a bad thing, all the cliches. Yet, every Sunday it's the same thing..work tomorrow. From 2:00 PM on it's the anticipatory mode. What will it be like tomorrow? I don't want to go into detail about my job, but suffice it to say (I hope I worded that correctly), it's frustrating. I work in a facility for the disabled. Mentally disabled. I could write volumes about this topic, but I won't. I will only say that people keep trying to come up with nice, neat solutions for problems of unfathomable depths. Very draining, and sad. In my opinion, many problems cannot be solved, but you can only try to ease some of the suffering.
Oh well, back on the merry-go-round tomorrow!

Betrayal

What is betrayal ? I mean, I know the definition, but when is something really betrayal ? Like so many things, it's not at all clear cut. Someone may feel betrayed, but it might not be the case. I guess true betrayal is when a person intends to betray another person, and then succeeds. Anyway, I think we can all agree that it's a bad thing. I feel betrayed when a person I consider a friend does something intentionally hurtful to me. The word "intentionally" is key. Of course, sometimes the people are not aware of their intent, but they should be. Otherwise, they continue to do the same hurtful things. Friendship is so important. You should love, cherish, and protect your friends, much like a marriage. If one person continually fails to honor the friendship, I guess it's time for a separation. A very sad thing. What else do we have, if not each other?

Take two tabloids, and call me in the morning

Here's an article from the Weekly World News archives:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL

Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe: 1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl. 2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space. 3. Evasive about identity and origins -- Few gals in "the life" are forthcoming about their full names. But a scarlet woman who refuses even to divulge where she comes from -- vaguely describing her birthplace as "the Midwest" or "overseas" -- could be an ET. 4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R,' " Manling reveals. 5. Unusually petite -- The average alien hooker stands roughly 5 feet tall, but may attempt to disguise her size with ridiculously high heels. 6. Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs. 7. Missing time -- If you paid for an hour with a hooker, but your watch indicates four hours have gone by, this suggests part of your memory of the encounter has been erased. 8. Seems telepathic -- A fallen woman who finishes your sentences or slips up and mentions your real name when you've given her a bogus one, is probably invading your thoughts -- and our planet. 9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor. 10. Squeamish about spanking -- Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.

This article was from September, 2004. Now, this particular tabloid presents these articles in a very serious manner. Do you think there is one non-delusional person on the face of the earth that would believe these things? Every once in a while I have to buy this paper just to laugh at the articles. Although, maybe there is a connection between legal prostitution in Nevada and Area 51. I'll keep checking for humorous articles and will copy them to my blog for those who need a good laugh.

But My Point Is.........

Try going from being a passive person who basically takes orders to somebody trying to assert themselves. It ain't easy !! Does anyone remember that crazy Woody Allen movie Zelig? It was a pretend documentary about this guy named Leonard Zelig who had no distinctive personality. He always took on the personality of whoever he was with at the time. To make a long story short, his psychiatrist (Mia Farrow) was able to cure him. Of course for awhile he became overly opinionated and would argue about things as trivial as the weather. For instance, he got into a fist fight with someone who said it was a nice day when he thought otherwise. I am a former Zelig. I voice my opinions now, even if they are contrary to others' opinions. Yet, I am still not quite heard. This is because other people have been conditioned to believe I will always obey. When I am assertive, they see me as a disobedient child and become upset with my behavior. I will usually back down at that point because I am filled with so much guilt. That's how I operate. It's a no-win situation for me. I also get accused of not caring if I don't always put my own needs aside for certain significant others. That also sucks. There has to be some kind of balance. I need the balance. I am getting drained and tired.

Worthwhile Reading

I have to admit it, I frequently read the Star and the Enquirer. I can't help it. There is always a certain amount of shame involved when I buy them. I usually place them upside down on the checkout counter (pretending to make the barcodes more accessible to the cashier). It's just so relaxing to read the latest scoop (true or not) about all the celebrities. There are no big words to decipher and there are lots of pictures too! Sometimes, when I'm really desperate for a laugh, I'll buy something even trashier, like The Sun, or The U.S. News. One of the latest headlines was "ALIEN BIBLE FOUND". Guess who these aliens worshipped??? OPRAH. Well..why shouldn't they? One of my favorite stories was the baby born with the Elvis tatoo. I also liked the one about the dog-faced girl with the 200 I.Q. . I guess she had to sacrifice something to be that intelligent. I wonder if there's even one person in the world who would even believe those stories? Even so, I think there will always be a need for these papers. Just read about all the really terrible stuff going on in the world, and then grab a copy of the Sun to see what those wacky aliens are doing.

Self Perceptions and Such

People generally tell me that I am too hard on myself. Maybe so, but I feel I must be vigilant in order to keep myself in line. I'm basically a lazy, self-serving, hedonist. I'm also quite immature. These are the facts. I want to be a good, unselfish, person. I do my best to empathize with others and be helpful. Sometimes I fall short, so I try to do better. I do not delude myself by thinking that I am "just swell" the way I am. Hopefully, I will keep trying to improve until the day I die. What really amazes me is that some people seem to be clueless as to who they are and their motivations. There are some that brag about their honesty, intelligence, generosity, on and on...ad nauseum. These are usually the self-deceivers. The people that don't know their own agendas. I see them all the time. They go from day to day playing their little game of life. Their game is the denial game. They deny their mistakes, their lies, sarcasm, anger, all negativity. Their deceptions may be crystal clear to those around them, but they do not notice. How unfortunate...for them, and those around them. I'd rather feel the pain of introspection then go through life blindly hurting others.

Just Keep Laughin'

What can I say? I must blog. My mind has been blank for a very long time. Maybe all my life. Who can say? But yet, I must blog. I don't want this to be another endeavor left behind. I enjoy this. It's me. Just an endless stream of ramblings, ponderings, nonsensical thoughts, feelings, on and on. I can't help but try to be entertaining. I guess everyone wants to be acknowledged. Oh well, maybe I can come up with some kind of daily laugh. How about "Today's Absurdity". There is always something ridiculous to write about. Another topic that never ends might be "The Pope Today". I could give a daily report on the antics of the new Pope. For instance..."the pope had pancakes for breakfast today, or ..the Pope needs a new hat. I mean, the media coverage just isn't enough, really ! Whatever..I will continue to write, much to the dismay of some, and hopefully the enjoyment of at least one person besides myself.

A Different Sort of "Ho"

You know what? I grew up in the "free love" era. Sex,drugs, rock'n roll, and all that stuff. Luckily, there was no aids epidemic. I was a confused sort at the time. I still am, but not about my sexuality. As Woody Allen once said, "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best !" I found that to be true, but the encounters were brief, and the emptiness remained. It was much easier to have sex, than to have a meaningful conversation. In an ideal relationship, you have it all. In many relationships, the sex is gone. That's not good, but it's worse to lose the connection. That intangible thing that drew you to this person. Part of the whole love thing is that you feel as important to your partner as they are to you. That brings me to my latest idea. Love-ho's. People who, for a small fee, would provide you with a short term, empathetic, relationship. There would be no sex involved, just a short interval where another person would just listen and care. I don't mean a therapy type thing where it is assumed that you are trying to change. I mean someone who will accept you for who you are, and like you anyway. I believe there is a need for this type of service. O.k., so it's not plausible, but a good idea just the same. As always, feedback is welcome (so is empathy).

Surgery Update

My Sophie had surgery the other day for her previously mentioned mass. The vet said the surgery went "excellently" in that she was able to remove the entire mass. She also said that even if the results come back malignant that she would consider the surgery curative. I'd like to think so because Sophie is 11, and I don't want to put her through chemo or radiation. I'll just hope for the best.

My Sophie Dog

I love my dog. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about her being attacked by the neighbor's dogs, and her recovery from the puncture wounds. Well, the other day I noticed this strange lump in the area of her healed wounds. I thought it might have been some kind of infection, so I took her to the vet. The vet said that it was some kind of "mass". That's a word none of us wants to hear, especially about a loved one. She mentioned mast cell tumors, which I, of course, looked up on the internet. Anyway, Sophie has surgery scheduled for this Thursday. They will do a biopsy to see if it's malignant. If it is, they will grade it and decide upon a course of treatment. A familiar procedure I have gone through with both my mom and my partner. Sophie is 11 years old. She is a senior dog. My other animals have lived to ripe old ages (2 dogs lived to be 18 and my cat was 22). I'm hoping the same for Sophie, but I don't want to put her through hell. I'm trying that zen thing of living in the moment, only the moment doesn't seem so pleasant right now. I'll try to hope for the best.

Better Living Through Chemistry

I know my blog is basically a neon sign that repeatedly blinks the word "ISSUES" in bright yellow letters. Surprisingly, here is yet another personal dilemma that I'm sure everyone is waiting to hear. O.K...here it goes. My psychiatrist, or Pdoc (as they say on some mental health forums) has suggested that I take a supplemental medication when I am more depressed or anxious. I already take paxil. She gave me some samples of gabitril, which I haven't tried and also suggested Topomax, which is used for seizure disorders. In the great collapse of 2002 I took seroquel in addition to Paxil. Seroquel did the trick. I was on a very low dose, but it knocked me out at night. I needed that at the time because I was non-functional. The only thing is, it was kind of like a lobotomy in a bottle. I guess there is always a trade-off. I haven't collapsed again, but I am really stressed. A few posts ago I mentioned the wonderful feeling of having a glass or two of red wine. Well, I've been doing this a little more often. Not every night, but 3-5 times a week. It hasn't made things worse, and gives me a great couple of hours. My doctor thinks this is a bad idea, because it creates some kind of pattern and can be detrimental. I'm really torn. I like and respect my doctor very much. She is very bright and up on things. She is also different from many psychiatrists who are basically walking prescription pads. However, I'm 55 and have been through 45 years of my own particular madness. I want things to be as much fun as possible in between the inevitable tortures that life hands us. It's truly a paradox within an enigma. Oh well, maybe the right decision is to hold off on deciding...whatever that means.

I Suck !!

When I say this, I try to say it in a lighthearted fashion. At my ripe old age I try to like myself as much as possible, but certain things just don't pan out (if you know what I mean). I constantly fight my own emotional demons. About 25 years ago I happened upon a wonderful therapist, who I still see to this day. She was wonderful for many reasons, number one..she cared, number two, she took the time to listen and understand. I had seen so many shrinks at that point, some were just plain assholes, others just wanted to medicate me. Granted, I have discovered that I do need the meds, but what I needed most was insight. That, and the tools to cope with my disorder. That disorder would be BPD..borderline personality disorder. I'm not big on labels, but I guess sometimes a group of people share certain characteristics. I have many of the BPD traits, but more importantly, I knew why I felt so badly. Knowledge is indeed power. It makes things just a little less scary. I have managed to change many behaviors over the years. Unfortunately, some behaviors, and many of the feelings remain. I still do not have a clear separation of myself from others. They call it fluid boundaries. I kind of live my life as if I'm performing for some vast unknown audience. When I try to feel differently, there is this emptiness that descends upon me. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this. It can be quite exhausting. What is the toughest are my interactions with kids. I never feel like the adult. Kids usually like me because I am like a really old kid. I will play with them for hours, even if I don't want to. I can never say no. For this reason, I avoid being with them. It's easiest for me when other adults are around to run the show. Infants are much easier for me, because their emotional needs are simple. I so want to feel differently, but it hasn't changed. Kids are a precious commodity and I want to be able to enjoy them without torturing myself. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep trying.

What's Love Got To Do With It ??

Are there really so many different kinds of love, or is it all the same (minus, of course, the sex-thing in most cases)? I don't know. What I do know is that it is so essential to have the capacity to both give and receive love. It's also not that easy. I think so many of us have been hurt in the past. Whether it has been romantic love, parental love, friendships, whatever..it's an awful feeling to love in vain. As I get older, I see how important it is to cultivate relationships of all kinds. Truthfully, I am most comfortable with animals. There is an unconditional love on both sides. It's all very simple. With people, you get into all kinds of issues. It's hard to love unconditionally, but sometimes it's required. Some people need this because they have never had it in their lives. Sometimes you suffer emotional abuse from those you love unconditionally because they will test you. It's all so complicated. There is that cliche' about not being able to love anyone unless you love yourself. Well, I'm not so sure about that, because there are people that I really love even though I'm not totally fond of myself. I guess it's all up for debate. Anyhow, just another thing to ponder on a dreary Sunday morning.

Life in a Tornado

I haven't checked through my past blogs lately, but knowing myself to the extent that I do, I'm sure I've mentioned my "nervous breakdowns". "Why the quotes?", you might ask. Then again, you might not ask. Well, I would answer (please try to tolerate me, as I've worked two 16 hour days in a row). I place the term nervous breakdown in quotes because there is really no such clinical term. However, it seems to describe what has happened to me 3 or 4 times in my life. When something breaks down, it ceases to function. Sometimes there are warning signs, sometimes not. Same with me. I've watched some of the storm chaser videos on the Weather Channel. You see these tornado close-ups with all kinds of debris swirling around and streaks of lightening inside. They're really kind of horrifying. My breakdowns have felt like emotional tornados, you just swirl around in this thunderous cloud until it dissipates. There is no telling when it will stop, even with medication. You just have to hold on. You hold on because in the past, the storm did end, and you hope this one will do the same. It has for me every time. I try not to waste time dreading its return, but sometimes the emotional winds kick up, and I get scared. That is partly why I write. If anyone reading this is dealing with their own tornado, just know that the storm will end, and there are others who care and understand.

Smoking..or not

OK, I admit it, I live in New Jersey. There is currently a debate over whether or not to ban smoking in public places. This would include the Atlantic City casinos. I personally am for the bill.The casinos are worried about losing business because gambling and smoking go hand in hand. I love to gamble, but do not smoke. I also believe everyone has the right to their own vices. However, smoking is the only vice I know that affects the health of others. Smokers may argue that non-smokers should stay away from smoking areas. In my opinion, that would be unfair. If people want to release toxins into the air, they should do it alone, or with other toxin releasing people. They do have a right to smoke, but should not have a right to harm other peoples' lungs. Non-smokers shouldn't have to stay away from places they enjoy to avoid second-hand smoke. I probably opened up a can of worms here, but this is just my opinion.

Dysphoria

Dysphoria sucks. What is it?? Well..I've read many different meanings of the word, none of them pleasant. In my case, it's a mixture of despair, anger, anxiety, depression..on and on. I called out sick today, maybe that wasn't my best choice. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in the northeast. Not typical of March weather. I'd just as soon stay in and sleep though. These moods just kind of happen. I could always guess at a reason, but it really doesn't matter. There is always stress in life. Mine is no worse than anyone else's. This is just how my mind and body react. I have to cope with it. I know all the words of encouragement that could be offered. They are nice, but not always effective. I have supplemental meds, but they are not yet necessary. I will try to look for something humorous. Sometimes it helps. Writing this little blurb helps. I wish all my fellow bloggers the opposite of dysphoria, I guess that would be happiness.

Mimes and Stilt-People

I was out and about yesterday and ended up in a somewhat "festive" atmosphere. As so often happens in festive atmospheres there were mimes and stilt-people around. I'm sorry, but mimes are just plain annoying. Stilt-people aren't as bad, but are still irritating. I guess as long as kids are entertained the adults must suffer through it all. I personally am not impressed when a person with heavy make-up is trying to get out of an imaginary box in an imaginary room. I also don't like their exaggerated sadness and crying. There's enough real sadness around for all of us. Maybe I'm just an old bitch, but they really irk me!! Some people have "mime-type" personalities. You just know right away that it's better to stay away from them. They seem to have this needy aura about them, even before they utter a word. As my dearest, departed friend Murphy would have said: "They suck the life right out of you." I used to tolerate, and sometimes befriend this type of person because I couldn't bear to hurt anyone's feelings, but no more!! Mimes and mime-types will be not be included in my circle of friends and acquaintances if I can help it. They should all live on an island where they can annoy the hell out of each other. That having been said, it's time for my 3:00 meds.

Mom

It's been four years since my mom passed away. My dad passed away in 1986. I, like so many of my fellow baby boomers, am an orphan. My mom was the product of a strong, overbearing, mother and a passive father. She was born in Russia, and came to this country in the early 1900's. The family crossed Siberia in covered wagons (two brothers died along the way). They finally ended up at Ellis Island. They were a tough group. In those days they knew nothing of parenting techniques or fostering self-esteem. Women were subservient to men etc., etc.. My mom had some problems. She wanted the best for her kids, but was quite insecure and needy. Sometimes it was pure hell. I was very bitter and resentful during my teenage years, and had loads of problems (still do). You know what ?? It was a good thing. I finally grew up and stopped blaming. I got to know my mother as a fellow adult. We formed a wonderful bond and became friends. She still did her neurotic, needy stuff, and I did mine, but it was ok. Even with my depressions, hospital stays, panic attacks, and other psychological disorders (probably not yet named), I have been fortunate. I can see beyond the surface. Most times, I can look through someone's emotional garbage and find treasures. With my mom, I found gold. I miss you mom!!

Bad Hair and Evangelism

It may seem from my previous posts that I am slightly obsessed with TV personalities and bad hair styles. This could be true. However, I can't help but notice the hair on some of these TV evangelists..male and female. The one I'm watching right now has this bushy hair-sprayed do. I focus on the hair because I don't care about what he is saying or doing. This, to me, is just another infuriating scam to take money from people. This guy is doing the usual healing through the TV screen stuff. I do not follow any type of organized (or disorganized) religion. I have my own feelings and opinions about the scheme of things. I would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER be so presumptuous as to say I had any answers. I would be totally shocked if any supreme being, entity, or whatever would want one of these fools to represent them. That would just be a terrible cosmic joke on all of us. I changed the channel to The Simpsons, they are much more spiritual....and Marge has better hair!!

I Aim To Disappoint

You can't do everything for everyone. How blatantly obvious is that??!! I know this. You know this. So who needs to hear it again? I guess that would be me. I keep trying...and failing. It's so absolutely self-serving. I end up not wanting to do anything for anyone. A vicious cycle it is !! It's hell not having boundaries. Does anyone else relate to this? I'm sure there are many others. Maybe we should all get our own island and do whatever the hell we want. We would probably spend our time making sure everyone else was ok and would all be miserable. Oh well..ya just gotta laugh. Ha, ha, ha,....yuk!!

Enough Already !!

I never feel confident. No matter what decision I make. I just wish my intellect and emotions would get on the same page, it would be so much easier. Certain feelings from childhood remain with me. I love my family. Every one of them. There are extremes in the family, all different coping mechanisms. That's how I see it. We're all trying to survive. Some of our coping mechanisms have caused pain for close family members. There is some estrangement...this hurts deeply. I feel for both sides..and for myself, the middle person. There is a financial matter tearing at all of us now. I'm sure a totally objective party could make the right decisions. This is just so hard. I'm not seeing much humor in things today. That's a bad sign. I'll try to claw my way back tomorrow.

After The Big Plunge

What a day!! The Polar Bear Plunge was terrific. The air temperature was somewhere around freezing and the ocean was around 40 degrees. The coldest times were before and after the plunge. There were about 400 actual "plungers" and hundreds more spectators. A local bar held a contest for the best costume. I just wore a bathing suit (under a sweatshirt and jeans). The ocean was invigorating to say the least. It wasn't the same cold water shock you get in the summer because the water was warmer than the air. However, you freeze your butt off after you come out. It was great fun though. We all need to "let loose" sometimes, and this was my opportunity. I think I'll do it every year. Now I have something to mark on a calendar besides a doctor's appointment.

Ice Water

Tomorrow I'm going to jump into the ocean. They have this yearly thing here in the northeast called the polar bear plunge. Basically, you pay twenty-five dollars (goes to charity), get a free t-shirt, and run into the freezing ocean with a bunch of other maniacs. I've always wanted to do it, and this is my year. Why?? Who knows. It's a lot easier for me to jump into a freezing ocean than to deal with most social situations. That's just the way it is. There is a big party afterwards at a local bar. I think many of the participants hit the bar before the plunge. I will be sober so I will respond better to the CPR. (hopefully, I'm kidding). Oh well, anything for excitement. I'll give a full report tomorrow.

Doggie Gourmet Blues

I went to the mall yesterday looking for a new knapsack. It's hard to find just the right kind. Anyhow, this mall used to be the only one in the area. About 10 years ago they built a super mall 3 miles down the road. The original mall has managed to survive despite being smaller and attracting a more "blue collar" crowd so to speak. It has most of the usual mall kiosks like custom tee-shirts, gold by the inch, etc. One kiosk that caught my eye was this homemade doggie baked goods place. There was this woman sitting at a table with all these little bags of fancy dog treats. I'm sure these treats would be all the rage in Beverly Hills, or some other upscale place, but it seemed like a really bad idea to sell them at this mall. I sat on a bench eating my garlic pretzel and watching her table for about half an hour. One woman approached the table, but only wanted to chat. There were no customers. I almost felt compelled to go buy a small five dollar bag just to give her some business. As much as I love my dog, I could not bring myself to do this. My dog would not know or care about where the treat came from. She would probably prefer something from a garbage can. Why am I even writing about this ? (I ask myself). I think the doggie gourmet woman represented yet another well-intentioned exercise in futility. Maybe it's a metaphor for life. I guess sometimes the value is in the exercise, not the result.

Secretary of Defense Mechanisms

As I have mentioned in my previous posts (ad nauseum), my best (and probably only), coping mechanism is humor. I look for it everywhere. One of my many shallow hobbies is laughing at famous peoples' hairstyles, clothing, etc. I feel that once they are in the public eye they are fair game. This is only done for my own amusement. I would not publicly humiliate anyone other than myself. There might be a prominent newsperson discussing something deadly serious, and my focus will go directly to the bad hairstyle or ugly tie. I will comment to whoever is around about how ridiculous the person looks despite the fact that they may be discussing the proximity of the asteroid colliding with earth. I do not discuss politics in this blog. However, I do have to comment on Condoleezza Rice's hair style. In my opinion, she really needs a change. That old "flip" thing from the '60s just doesn't cut it. Feel free to give me your feed back on this. I personally feel she should have a shorter "do." It would be much more flattering. Anyway, I think there is a definite need for humor practitioners. You could go for your doctorate in Humorcology. Humor could be a supplement to your prescribed meds. Take 37.5 mg of Paxil CR at 4:00 PM. Watch the movie Airplane from 5:00 - 6:30. If you don't like slapstick, watch something a little more cerebral like Being There with Peter Sellers. Anything funny will do. You can't OD. Monty Python, Woody Allen, the list goes on and on. If you hear some bad news, do what you can. Then go immediately to your humor reserve. A word of advice.. Try to have a somewhat serious facade at times or they will increase your meds.

Paxil, Red Wine and Video Poker

In my previous posts, I mentioned my panic disorder. In my other posts, it was probably obvious that I have many disorders. For approximately 34 of the past 40 years I have been taking medication for my disorders. There was the 13 years of valium..ending in disaster. There were six years of plain old soul searching find answers. I found answers, tried various relaxation techniques, tried plain old "intestinal fortitude", and ultimately failed. The truth is (for me anyway), anxiety disorder is hellish. At different times I have taken elavil, norpramine, zoloft, prozac and serzone. Serzone has since been taken off the market for causing liver failure. My liver was fine, but Serzone contributed somewhat to what I now refer to as " The Breakdown of 2002." I have finally settled on Paxil as my legal drug of choice. So far, Paxil has kept the breakdowns at bay. I can function (never anxiety-free, but that's ok), and can occasionally have fun. What I have discovered is that a combination of Paxil and a glass or two of red wine give me an almost euphoric feeling. I am certainly not recommending this to anyone, but I really do enjoy that ride. Now, combine those chemicals and place me at a video poker machine. If I win, all the better. So I ask you..how shallow is that? It's all ok though. I'm tired of looking for deeper meanings. I'm also tired of listening to opinions, suggestions etc. I just want to travel my own road.

Greetings from Panic City

What a day today. Had kind of a panic attack this afternoon. People don't generally understand these things unless they've had them. How do you explain them? It's like you are drowning in an invisible ocean. You are screaming inside, but no one can hear. Even if they could, they could not help. You must wait for the wave to subside. I've had them since the age of ten. In those days they didn't have a clue. They used to use psychiatrists as threats for kids that misbehaved. Now they say most things are chemical imbalances. Who really knows....not me !! I just muddle through from day to day and laugh when I can. Hopefully, the next laugh is right around the corner.

Just Plain Weary

Some days I'm more than tired. I'm weary. I think tired is when you just need to sleep, weary is when you need a break. Things just wear you down. Day to day interactions, petty little arguments, financial worries....the whole deal. You just want everything to be easier. Today was rough. I'm not sure why. I had the same routine, minor annoyances etc. Nothing earth shattering. Time to re-charge. Tomorrow will be different. Not necessarily better, but different. Somehow, that makes me feel better.

Dream On..Oh Weird One!

Yet another bizarre dream last night. Lots of my bizarre dreams involve questions about the "afterlife", if indeed there is an afterlife. Well, who better to ask than those who are deceased? Of course, at my age, the list of deceased significant others is fairly long. Well, last night it was a former co-worker who as far as I know is still alive. However, for dream purposes, she had passed away. Apparently, she had temporarily come back to the living because there was a guy she wanted to meet. This would be characteristic of this person. I, of course, knowing that she was dead (which never surprises me in my dreams), had to ask her about my fate. I wanted to know if I was going to die soon, or if I still had time for at least a couple more glasses of red wine. She informed me that I had many years left, but those years were going to be miserable. She was indicating that the source of my misery would be severe psychological problems. If you've read my previous posts, the problems are obvious. I have learned to deal with them, and actually have some fun. The thought of more misery was just unbearable. I asked my deceased friend if I could appeal to a "higher authority" to see if I could have it a little easier. She then told me to look up at the sky. The clouds seemed to part and there was this golden glow. I assumed that this was God, or someone in the inner circle. I pleaded my case (telepathically). The answer to my prayer was a resounding NO. It was like David Spade in the Capital One commercial. Too bad, I can't help you. Anyhow, I'm glad to be awake. I will not take this dream as a premonition of things to come. I will continue my quest for answers in future dreams and will accept only the best scenarios. If anyone has any afterlife questions, let me know...I'll pencil you in.

Sophie relaxing with a milkbone. 

Sophie's Recovery

As mentioned in one of my previous posts, my dog was attacked by my neighbors two dogs. She had four puncture wounds on her chest and had to stay overnight at the animal hospital. She had a high fever that night, but was doing better by the next morning. They put drainage tubes in her wounds and made her wear one of those weird plastic collars so she wouldn't pull out anything. She was miserable for a few days, but thankfully is now back to normal (for her). My neighbor, who at first seemed nice and accommodating, turned out to be quite irrational. She kind of resented paying the vet bills even though her dogs charged across the street to attack my dog (who was on a leash). She's one of these people that has lots of different animals and claims to be an animal lover.
I think most pet owners generally are animal lovers. I also believe there are limits to how many pets can be cared for in certain environments. Luckily, most people are responsible, and don't jeopardize their neighbors animals. MOST people. Anyway...I will attempt to attach a picture of my recovering dog for all to see. Take care, and thanks for reading.

Compulsively Yours

As I sit here eating way too much of a good thing (soy nuts, sunflower seeds and dried cranberry mix), my mind drifts to my favorite subject: psychological disorders. As if the thinking and analyzing will somehow take care of the problem. Although I must say, it does help me to have somewhat of a handle on the situation. I think most of us are a mixture of various disorders ranging from mild to really, really, severe. My particular mixture seems to be mostly BPD (borderline personality disorder) with a heaping helping of panic anxiety, one cup of depression, and a dash of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Bring to a boil and let simmer for 55 years and ..Voila !! Here I am. I can be quite enjoyable with a nice red wine (about a gallon). Still and all (whatever that means), I am lucky. I love to laugh. Feel free to laugh with me, at me, whatever. Laughter ties us all together and brings out our beauty. I think it's one of the best sounds you can hear.

Fast Dancing

I was thinking of the book by Barbara Gordon titled I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can. She told the story of her addiction and eventual withdrawal from valium. I think it was written about twenty years ago. I was going through valium withdrawal about the same time as she did. We had both stopped the medication abruptly. HUGE MISTAKE !! They know better now. Still, you must be extremely careful with those "benzos" (drugs in the valium family). The reason for my valium use (and abuse), was similar to Barbara Gordon's. Our purpose in life was to please others. Granted, it's very nice to be thoughtful and to do nice things for others. However, when it's a constant job that involves everyone you meet (even if they are not very nice people), it becomes a sickness. A sickness where you continually suppress your very essence to have others like you. The rewards are shallow. They don't really like you. They don't know the real you. You don't know the real you. It tries to come out, and you push it down. The real you starts to seem like a monster. That is why you drink, or take a pill. You are scared. It only feels scary because way deep down you are hurting. You have starved your soul. I know this now. It's up to me to break the pattern. The real me.

Ruh-oh

I think in cartoons sometimes. It helps me. For instance..this new thing about dogs being able to detect cancer. Such a horrible disease it is. There is nothing humorous about cancer. However, for some reason I have this image of the Jetsons' dog Astro discovering someone's cancer and saying "ruh-oh", which is exactly what he said when there was any sort of trouble. Of course, trouble for Astro usually meant something ridiculous like being hit by a meteorite. From what I've seen of the suffering caused by cancer, being hit by a meteorite may be preferable. I have so much admiration for the brave souls that have battled this disease (my mother was a cancer survivor). As for myself, I hope I will never deplete my stockpile of cartoons. I know I will need them to diffuse the fear.

Sick Day

I stayed home from work today to be with my dog. As mentioned in my previous post, she was attacked by two large dogs. She seems to be getting better. It's hard to tell when she's wearing that large satellite dish thingy around her neck. She bumps into everything and is miserable. We go to the vet's tomorrow. Hopefully he will remove the collar and the tubes. She is currently relaxing on the sofa listening to a George Winston CD. Music heals the soul. I spoke to several friends today. This in uncharacteristic for me. I don't know why I don't make contact more often. I am very outgoing at work, but when I'm home I shy away from people. I think of my friends, and would be there if they needed me, but I don't usually call to say hi. I guess we all have that work "facade". Well, not really a facade, but the work you as opposed to the social you. Whatever, as they say these days, " It is what it is." Write to you soon, my friends in bloggery.

Hurt

Tough day. Yesterday my partner was walking our dog and the neighbors' two large dogs jumped the fence. My partner was ok, but my dog had some puncture wounds. Luckily, my neighbor works for a veterinarian, and helped me get my dog to the hospital. She's home today, but is wearing this huge collar (so she doesn't pull out the drains). Hopefully, she'll be O.K. Some people might say, "With all the suffering in the world, why be so upset about an animal?" Why??? Because I love her.

Miniatures

I have these recurring dreams about miniature things. Not inanimate things. I mean living things that are very tiny. Most of the miniatures are people, but occasionally a dog or cat is thrown into the mix. The miniatures range in size from about two inches high to two feet or so. All but one of the miniatures were harmless. The evil one resembled Chuckie from Child's Play. He had myself and a few of my co-workers trapped in a Baskin Robbins store and was demanding a continuous supply of ice cream. Maybe I wanted to be that miniature...who knows? The miniatures cover the entire spectrum of ages and ethnicities. One miniature had Down Syndrome. I'm always very careful when handling my dream miniatures because they are all very fragile. I suppose this could be interpreted as my fear of relationships with others. Whatever. It really doesn't matter. Even if I figure out the meaning (if indeed there is a meaning), I will still have these dreams. Just venting. If anyone wishes to voice their opinion on this..or if you too have miniature dreams..let me know!! We'll talk. Till next time...

Lucky

So much turmoil in this head of mine. As previously mentioned (and will no doubt be mentioned quite often), my sanity hangs by a thread. Yet, oddly enough, I feel fortunate to be me. I read an article quoting Itzhak Perlman, who as many people know, is a famous violinist who had polio as a child and lost the use of his legs. He told the interviewer how deeply moved he was when he heard beautiful music, and that he was so lucky that he had this connection. I understood completely. I love that connection.

Oh No !!!

I'm seeing the glass half empty today. Worried about work, money, illness, life, my next life etc. I need some humor, STAT !! I watched trauma in the ER, but that didn't lift my spirits a bit. Then, I looked at the nighttime sky, and pondered the vastness of the universe. Big deal !! Finally, I looked at my dog curled up on the sofa and felt a little better. My dog is spoiled rotten, has bitten me, and would probably offer me as a sacrifice to an intruder. I love her unconditionally...I can't help lovin' dat dog !! Sometimes you just have to narrow things down. You take a single comfort and just cling. I think about that famous model who clung to a tree for eight hours during the Tsunami. I am not equating my torment with hers. There are, however, mental tsunami's. People sometimes have to cling to a little thread of sanity until the worst passes. Different types of hell.