Bar Scene

I was sitting at a bar last night playing video poker, and of course, pondering. Who says my life is meaningless?? Huh?? Well anyhow, while indulging in my two favorite vices I was aware of the others at the bar cheering for their favorite football teams. I then gazed at the shelves and shelves of liquid relief with all the fancy names. There were various flavors of schnapps, pretty colored liquors, distinguished looking bottles of scotch and bourbon etc. All of the adult pacifiers or "binkies" . We all need these escapes from the often painful process of living. As they say, it's ok in moderation. Unfortunately many people are not moderate. They are on that fast train that leaves Reality Station and never stops. I've been on that train. The only way off is to jump and hit the ground with a thud. At that point you have to crawl, and then hopefully walk. Many people are of the belief that you can never leave Reality Station again. Personally, I have left again, but not on the same train. I go round trip. It's been ok so far. Of course some people have never been to Reality Station. They get involved in other things. They can be scary. They are the ones that start wars over nonsense. They are on an underground train that travels in a violent circle leaving destruction in its path. It is essential to know which train to board. My train leaves the station about once a month. So far it's been round trip every time. The trick is to not lose your ticket.

Am I OK??? Hell no!!

I'm pretty old by most standards. Not elderly, but old. However, when I'm really upset I revert to infancy. I know I've written about this before, but it's so disturbing that I must write about it again. We all regress sometimes, especially during periods of extreme stress. Most of us can hide our childishness. Sometimes I can, but sometimes (like today), I can't. I guess it's part of my emotional illness. I'm not using it as an excuse, just a reason. I try not to get to that point, but sometimes it just happens. Today was so stressful, for many reasons. Anyhow the result was me demanding to get out of a car immediately without regard to where I was or what could happen. I had to walk over a long bridge with a very small sidewalk and a low guardrail. Very dangerous, but oh well. I do these things when I feel I've been wronged. They are essentially tantrums, I know this. They're not pretty, especially from an older adult. Really disgusting, but I (the disgusting one) am probably more disgusted than anyone. Funny thing though, I feel wronged and wrong at the same time. It's pure frustration. Anyhow I'm exhausted tonight from my carryings on. I wish I could just behave myself.