Katrina

I was going to write about my stuff tonight....but I can't. People have lost so much because of Katrina. My heart goes out to them.

Oh no ! Is it that time again??

I guess the term "nervous breakdown" is somewhat out-dated. For me, however it's the only suitable term for what has happened to me five times in my life. I broke down...much like an old car. I could no longer move. I'm used to a certain amount of anxiety and depression. It's been pretty much a way of life with me. That's o.k. Sometimes though, the breaking point is near. The trouble is, the warning signs are not clear. I often feel I'm on the edge, but will wake up the next morning feeling better. I just never know. There are really no particular precautions to take. My future is up for grabs. Today has been an edge day. Pretty scary. I'll see what tomorrow brings. There are lots of stressful things happening, but there are always stressful things in life. I could guess at reasons for the breakdowns, but I'll never know the truth. Sometimes I think it's just a faulty nervous system. Something misfires and VOILA...breakdown number six!! There ought to be a lemon law. I'd be the first one in line to replace the bad parts. I'd even settle for something rebuilt. I guess I'll just keep hanging tough with the other breakdownees. I know you're out there...and I do feel your pain.

A "Not So Beautiful" Mind

I've really been on the old depression/anxiety merry-go-round lately (as if I ever stepped off). I am at the mercy of my crazy mind. My favorite hobby lately is self-torment. I have made it into an art form. If it was an Olympic event, I would have a gold medal. I try say nice things to myself, but I know I'm lying. Every day I tell myself how fortunate I am in so many ways. My big misfortune is being so screwed up. I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am simply assessing my situation. As my very closest friend (now deceased) once said, "Every day is different." Somehow, that makes me feel better. It may be a different kind of torture, but it will change. Strange comfort for a strange mind. Oh well, onward and upward...or maybe sideward. Who knows.

I think, therefore I am....NOT!!!

What the hell?? I mean, who wrote that? Descartes..that's who !! Have you seen his picture? The size of his nose would be enough to prove his existence. Why has that phrase been so popular?
So what if we think and we are. Existing ain't livin'. Some people don't seem to do any thinking at all, yet sadly they seem to exist. The non-thinkers are often heads of large corporations or countries even. So here I am thinking and existing, thinking and existing..big friggin' deal. In my opinion it's a colossal waste of time to ponder one's existence. I don't think we'll ever figure out the meaning of it all, and who cares?? LIVING...that's the thing! Absorb every beautiful thing possible. Give what you're able to give, and savor every good thing that passes your way. I am not yet able to do this of course, but it's a goal...or even a quest. At my ripe old age...this is my philosophy. My emotions fight this philosophy, but my intellect knows it's the only thing that makes sense. So there!! I've said my little piece. The phrase "get a life" seems to have taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

Who am I..no really...Who am I ??

Many years ago a very pompous psychiatrist told me that I had an "as if" personality. He was a pompous, pill-pushing, arrogant son-of-a-bitch....but he was right. He told me that I related to others as if they were my parents, or somehow in charge of me. This is a kind of borderline personality thing. I was always the chameleon...blend in, don't make waves. Thirty-five years later, I'm only a tiny bit better. I have this little speck of a personality that sometimes speaks up, sometimes not. The trouble is, I usually feel "in the wrong" when I speak up for myself. I think I'm not as nice a person as people think I am. Eighty five percent of the time I don't want to do the things I am doing for others. It's true. I just have to keep the balance for my own security. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I am not mean. That is one good thing about me. Also, I love animals. The truth is though, I'd just as soon keep to myself and admire things from afar. I'm not good with any kind of intimacy.....with anyone. I'm currently in the process of trying to retire from my long time job. It's scary, and I will have more time to think, but I think it's necessary. Oh well..just rambling to my blog friends. Thanks for reading !!

Warrior/Loser

O.K. Here's what I want to say tonight. I am actually crying while writing this. My psychiatrist had to write a brief history of my psychological problems for some paperwork I needed. She wrote what I considered to be a very accurate account of my past and present maladies. That having been said..it threw me for a loop. I guess in a way I've considered myself a kind of warrior. I've created a kind of emotional sword over the years to slay the anxiety/depression dragons before they completely devour me. The sword was created with humor and as much rational thought as I can muster. Well, sometimes it's tough to fight, sometimes I get ambushed. I know, I know...the dragons are me. It's all me. Why do I torture myself ? I have some of the answers. Low self esteem is one answer. Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positively. Oh yeah, and I could write down all the good stuff about me etc. Sometimes I do those things. Sometimes they help. I feel better when I do something nice for someone. All these things help some of the time....but.....there is something else. This intangible thing, this core of sadness. Could be chemical...who knows. It's always with me. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am lucky in so many ways, and for that I am thankful. I am just stating facts. I am torn between thinking I pamper myself too much and I don't pamper myself enough. When I read my mental illness biography I did not look like a warrior. I looked like a pathetic loser, and it made me sad. I suppose I could say, "Look what you've come through, and you're still here." Maybe...but right now I can't. I just think I should do better. I don't always know what better is, and if better is possible. I will, however, keep plodding on. By the way, did you know that there is such a word as "suicidality" ? I wouldn't recommend using it on a resume'. Here's to happier times.

Yikes !!

I haven't posted in over a week (as if that's not obvious from the dates on the posts). There's just so much going on. Lots of stress that will hopefully have a good outcome. Time will tell..or maybe time won't tell. Anyway, yesterday I was pondering, as I am prone (or standing) to do. It's yet another silly topic. Actually, it's about body odor. I try to be as clean as possible. I'm a terrible dresser with messy hair, but I am very clean. Why is it, then, that when I smell a bad odor I immediately suspect myself. I was in line at the supermarket and someone had terrible B.O.. It seemed to be emanating from a gentleman in the next line, yet I kept discretely trying to check my own armpits. I have never smelled like that in my entire life. I would have to not shower for three months to smell half as badly as that guy, but I continued to check myself. It was as if I was some kind of B.O. accomplice. I do it every time there's an odor. I've driven past pig farms and felt somewhat at fault for the smell. I guess it's just another low self-esteem thing. Well, no use making a big "stink" about it. (That really did stink)!!