Acting Out

Question:What makes a middle-aged woman walk down a deserted, dark road crying?
Answer: Despair, craziness, and immaturity. Sometimes I can't get my point across. Usually, I don't know my point. I just know how I feel...horrendous. I know so many of the reasons for my despair. No one really to blame at this point, not even myself. I have no more room for guilt. Certain situations are catalysts. Feeling rejected (real or imagined), feeling helpless, abandoned, whatever. These feelings cause unbearable pain for me, and sometimes I act badly. I like myself even less when I do this, but it seems to relieve some of the pain. Oh yeah, I know there are healthier ways to relieve emotional pain (like blogging). Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle. Tonight was one of those times. So I was once again the infant..the wrinkled old infant. Pretty scary...but just another day in the life. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Ugliness Is Only "Skin Deep"

This may be a curse, but I have the ability to see beneath the surface. What I mean is, I don't take people at "face value." I think it's quite obvious that people behave badly when they are feeling badly. It's also obvious that there are many reasons to feel badly. Whether it's a lifelong problem or only a temporary situation emotional pain cripples us in various ways. Basically, we either act out in some way (crying, yelling, being rude, etc.), or withdraw. Often we alternate between the two. Just as some people deal with chronic physical pain, there are those of us that deal with chronic emotional pain. Bad behaviors are coping mechanisms. I try to ease my own emotional pain by finding humor in things, which often requires creativity (along with a twisted mind). Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I usually see the good beneath the surface. I believe that the vast majority of us have goodness at our core. That is why when people say, "How can you like him or her?", or "Why do you bother with them?", I know the answer. It's because I can see beneath the surface. Sometimes I wish I couldn't, but I think it's all part of my path in life.

Stupid Sayings

There is a sign that I've seen in some workplaces, it goes a little something like this: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, etc., etc., etc....
I know many of us have seen this sign. For those of us who have had nervous breakdowns, it's just NOT FUNNY !! For me, having a nervous breakdown is like being sucked into this hellish vacuum. Whatever self-control I had is gone. There are no longer any pleasant emotions, only despair. Does anyone actually want to earn something like that? I THINK NOT. So..take down those signs. It's like wishing for a terminal disease. Avoid it like the plague (pun intended).
I'm writing this because lately it's been a little windy up here on my tightrope.
Who knows why? It doesn't matter why, all that matters is not falling.