General Failure

Funny Steven Wright quote: "Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard drive?" Having computer problems lately. Maybe faulty ram...who knows. Christmas came and went...so profound am I. Just wanted to add a new post to keep my nonsensical ramblings up to date. Some things are important ya know !! Had a bit of a rough morning..mentally. It's already a given that I'm on the edge of madness. This morning, I believe I dipped my left foot into madness lake. I was getting coffee at the convenience store and my mind was a little racier than usual. I had that familiar fearful feeling that panic-attackees often have. Quite unpleasant I might add. Perhaps it was the 75 pounds of Christmas cookies I ate over the weekend? Anyhow, the fear subsided into the usual mild dread. So life is mediocre once again. Well, I hope my reader and non-readers are having a wonderful holiday season. I'll write again soon.

Insane?? or not!!!

My mother told me many stories when I was a child. No, not your usual mother goose stuff. Not Halloweenish scary stories either. I mean stories of other peoples’ misfortunes. Whether it was a terminal illness, a crippling injury, or some kind of mental torment. All the stories had the same theme- “Life is Misery.” Not really something a five year old needs to know. I don’t know if I was five, six, or ten. I just know that I was very young. One of the stories that I think of from time to time was the one about the friend that “lost her mind.” This woman apparently demonstrated her insanity by sitting home and sewing orange peels together. It doesn’t matter whether or not the story was true. The point was, it was very frightening that a person might be so tortured mentally that sewing orange peels together would seem like a perfectly good idea. I don’t remember the rest of the story. I got stuck on the image of this woman with her needle, thread, and basket of orange peels. That was enough for me. I would imagine they took her away. That’s what they seemed to do in the ‘50s. For many years, this definition of crazy would serve as my measuring stick. Whenever the familiar loss of control feeling would surface, I would think of the orange peel story. As crazy as I felt, at least I didn’t sit mindlessly stitching the peels together. What a relief !! Well, let me say this….about fifty years have gone by since those days and the orange peels are looking more and more like a potential sweater!
I have made it this far with my particular brand of craziness. There have been hospital stays etc. All and all I’ve weathered things pretty well. The sense of humor is a blessing. Then again, there is always a level of emotional torment. Medication keeps it under control, but life situations cause flare-ups. I’ve changed what I can to survive, but old feelings hang on. I’m still that vulnerable kid in so many ways. Everything is a chemical imbalance these days. The orange peel lady would have been given some good meds. She would have probably seen the error of her ways and would only have dreamed about oranges. Do you know what I think? I think those orange peels stopped the madness in the woman’s life. The insanity was what was happening to her before the orange peel incident. This is what happens when life is too much to bear. Sometimes you just need to rest your mind. I think it’s time for a produce run.

The Others

I have great difficulty with the "others". The others I'm referring to are just about everyone else on the planet. Much of the difficulty stems from my own feelings of inadequacy. Yeah, I've read some self-help stuff, heard all of the overused cliches etc. I've worked hard over the past twenty years or so just to keep myself afloat. Yet...the roadblocks remain. I relate beautifully to animals. I'm also at my best when someone is sick and needs help. It's the day to day interactions that are the toughest. Where do I end, and where do they begin? It's hard building a self concept. That's why I started writing. I am now a person who writes things. Not necessarily pearls of wisdom....just things. I suspect that some of the others out there can relate to my feelings about the others out there.

I would actually prefer to be an observer of life. I would watch everyone going about their routines and would comment when appropriate. There would be limited interaction on my part. When I started feeling uncomfortable it would be back to the observation deck. Oh, did I not mention the deck? Sorry! Of course, I would have a booth for inclement weather. So I ask you, who needs reality shows....a contradiction in terms if you ask me. Reality is a show. It's right there. Don't pay for cable. Just go somewhere to find a large group of people and watch the dramas unfold. You'll see it all.