Walk-ins aren't always welcome

I'm really fascinated by supernatural type stuff. You know, the unexplainable. UFO's, ghosts, near death experiences, why "Yes Dear" is still on the air etc. The other day I was watching unsolved mysteries and they were talking about walk-ins. Apparently these are people whose bodies were taken over by another soul. Some of them had near death experiences and came to as someone else. Others were just minding their own business when some kind of coup d'soul occurred. Anyhow these people literally felt like strangers in their own skin. Some of them insisted their families call them by a different name. Divorces ensued. It's a really complicated thing. I suppose it could be explained away as some kind of personality disorder, or just plain insanity. I wouldn't be so hasty. Many people feel better when they have answers to things that make sense to them. Nothing makes sense to me. Not from my point of reference. This whole process of life is such a mystery to me that I am open to anything. To me, that's part of the fun. It's also scary, but that's ok. I would rather be open to possibilities than cling to answers that are designed to make me secure and comfortable. If a walk-in does move into my body, I hope they buy it some nicer clothes.

Toilet Dog

Along with the scary memories of my childhood, I have some very fond memories of my adult years with my mom. My mom was a giver. If she loved you, she would do anything for you. She had a great deal of trouble relating to people in a relaxed fashion. I realized that she had some serious self esteem issues. Any emotional damage I may have suffered at her hands was not done intentionally. She was only trying to survive as best she could..like all of us. Anyhow, one of her most wonderful qualities was the giving. She was a terrific baker, and would fatten us all up with delicious cheese cakes and other goodies. She would also fall for every new gimmick that was advertised, many of which were junk that never worked. I remember her buying these travel toothbrushes for everyone. They were these plastic tubes with a toothbrush on the end. You could never squeeze any paste into the tube so they were essentially useless. We all had to tell her that we loved them. This was required with all of her gifts. If you said something didn't work she would take it personally and feel that it was somehow your fault. The path of least resistance was to say it was the best gift you had ever seen. The downside is that she would keep buying more of the same things. Of course, looking back, I wish I had kept every useless gift she ever gave me. At some point she became obsessed with wristwatches. They usually fell apart within the first month (obviously because we were wearing them wrong). I still have a few non-working watches sitting around my house. I also have talking salt and pepper shakers that she had given me. The pepper shaker will often sneeze as you walk by the cabinet. My mom loved animals, so she liked to buy presents for our pets. She had given me two of these toilet dogs for my dog, Sophie. Sophie chewed the ears off of the other toilet dog, but this one remains intact. I smile every time I look at it. I love the connection. I would do anything to have her here to hand me another non-working gift. They worked for me!!

DONE!!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I just don't know who I am, what I want, what I don't want etc. What should I expect from my partner? What should I expect from others? I'm usually willing to do favors for others. I don't mind. There are certain things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Babysitting is one of them. I will do this in certain circumstances, but generally I find it torturous. You see, I don't have a very strong sense of self, and what I do have is lost very easily. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have this problem. I have some borderline traits, and some OCD traits. I can't comfortably discuss the specifics, but it's kind of like an ongoing fear thing. Anyway, I'll usually refuse to babysit, and then feel tremendous guilt over refusing. Part of my problem is that I come off as being more together than I actually am. I'm very shaky emotionally, and I don't want to push the envelope. I've fallen apart 3 or 4 times in my life. I don't know if I could make it through another breakdown. I'm not trying to wallow in self-pity or anything, I just want to stay afloat. It's hard to get others to understand, actually it's downright impossible. So here I am, beating myself once again. Here's what I want to say- I will do whatever I can for those I love, just please understand my shortcomings, and don't expect more than I can offer. Please!!!

Oh So Popular

I was a geeky teenager. I was a chubby kid with acne who played the violin. I really needed my sense of humor. It helped me through the awkward years..which come to think of it, never ended. My looks fortunately improved to average, which is all I need. My wit and my eagerness to please everyone at any cost gained me many friends. The wit I want to keep. I'd like to lose the pleasing everyone thing. It is an unbelievably exhausting job. I must retire from this job, as I don't like the hours (approximately 17 per day, I sleep the other 7). I'd like to dissolve this corporation of one..The Please Everyone Company. I am going out of business. Not one penny to show for all those years of hard work. Instead, I am in deep emotional debt to myself. I'll have to go to the Bank of "Learning to Say No" and get a loan. It's not everyone else...it's me. My company was built on fear and guilt. No more. I'm just too tired. I will just do what I can, and only what I can. Hopefully, those I love will stay around, if only to hear the next joke.