The Cord

I write this at a late hour. I can't sleep. My dog is doing her usual midnight nagging while I watch "Cops" on TV and play computer mahjongg. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. These feelings should be good. These are the things that sustain us. The important things. I know this, but for me there's this cord. The cord that attaches me to every significant living thing in my life. It drains me because I can't separate my emotions from theirs. I project mine onto them, and theirs are projected to me. It's a never-ending, chaotic flow of feelings that keeps me agitated to the point of exhaustion. It's as if I am responsible for everyone's well being. My well being depends on this, but ironically it prevents my well being. Vicious cycle. I often tell half truths in order to keep the delicate balance. I have some strong opinions that are never voiced. Just keep the balance...it's like juggling so many things. I can't keep it up forever. Something's gotta give. I don't know what or when. If only I could free myself..stand alone and let the chips fall where they may. I know the truth, if only I could own it. What a beautiful relief that would be.

Lyme Lemon

I live in the woods...mentally and physically. Lots of ticks and stuff. It hadn't occurred to me to get tested, even after several months of obvious symptoms. Lyme disease is so prevalent in the northeast. If it's caught early, it's not too bad. Unfortunately, I was a little late. I had the rash a long time ago, but didn't realize what it was. Now I have all kinds of stuff happening. Anyhow, I am taking doxycycline, which is giving me nasty side effects...or is it the lyme thing. Who knows. Anyway, a word to the wise...if you live in a lyme disease area, get tested. There are lots of symptoms, read up on it. Don't let it go, it only gets worse.