To Thine Own Self

I am either cursed or blessed with the ability to know my own motivations. I cannot pretend that I am being nice or helpful, when I'm really being selfish and manipulative. Many people are able to pretend that they are doing things to benefit others when in fact, it is to satisfy their own needs. Luckily, it sometimes works out, and does benefit others. Many times it's disastrous. Take, for instance, religious fanatics. They answer to their higher authorities. Sometimes their higher authorities tell them to fly planes into buildings and kill as many of the "evil ones" as possible. They often gladly kill themselves in the process in order to reap their rewards in heaven. I wonder if they really examined their motivations if it would get down to this.....I'm screwed up, frustrated, and hurting. I need to do something terrible so I'll feel better. In order to justify this act I need a false sense of identity. Oh yeah, religion, that'll work !
My motivations are almost always to get love and approval. Although, I don't want too much love. Don't deserve that...no sir !! Just enough to keep me afloat. I have to validate my own existence by making sure everyone around me is happy with me. Not necessarily happy, just happy with me. Hard work. That's why sometimes I want to go live in the Northwest Territories. I like the cold and the idea of isolation. Of course then I wouldn't have a sense of myself without the feedback. You know, if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears etc. If I live in the woods and no one hears. Same deal.

Day to Day

Here is the sequel to my unread first blog. Soon to be unread on a screen near you. I'm at work and really shouldn't be doing this. I have other things to do, but not nearly as enticing as this blog site. I am a middle aged person. That came out of nowhere, like most of my thoughts lately. Late middle aged, not early. I'm a card carrying AARP member, and proud of it! Funny though, I feel like a child. Not always, but usually. Is this the "norm" for late middle agers? I doubt it. There aren't many things I feel that seem like the norm. Who knows? For instance, has anyone else ever been acutely aware that we are all living on a sphere in the middle of the universe? Of course we all learned this in elementary school, but I took it a step further. Actually, I developed vertigo after hearing it and had trouble keeping my balance for quite awhile. Just a small insight into my madness. Can anyone relate?
Let me know. Insanity loves company (at least my type of insanity does). Another phase I went through was this passage of time thing. It was upsetting to realize that you could never exactly repeat what you had done a few minutes ago. You might try, but that time had passed. Things change every nanosecond. This fact tormented me for quite awhile. These things were all before sixth grade. I later got into medical worries (heart attacks, aneurysms, etc). Then finally it all came legitimately together as the fear of insanity, which obviously was well founded. Anyway, I find that writing about all this and sharing it with my non-readers is quite enjoyable and amusing. Now tell me.....IS THAT NORMAL ?? This was fun, let's do this again soon !!!

Illusion of Sanity

Ok...I feel as though I should say hello to everyone (although most probably no one is even aware of this post except for myself ). Nevertheless...I will say hello so as not to offend anyone who may at some point accidentally wander onto this site and bring up my blog. I have recently started writing in order to hold on to some semblance of sanity....and I do mean semblance (or maybe semblence). Throughout my life I have battled anxiety and depression. I have also dabbled in some addictive behavior. There have been three visits to psychiatric hospitals (and I don't mean three hour tours)! This is not stated in a self-pitying kind of way. I have certainly had my share of good fortune too. The point is, I have always gotten through by keeping my sense of humor. It is not always easy to laugh, and is quite often inappropriate, but that doesn't stop me. This is not to say that there is anything funny about tragic situations...of course not. They will happen. It's the time in between...seize the moments, seconds, whatever. It's all we have. Anyway, I will continue to post stuff. Feel free to visit and share.