Back..Not Quite Intact

This is a very tough post. I just came back from my visit. I visited people I love very much who have beautiful, wonderful children. I love them all so much. Here's the thing though...
I'm totally wrecked. I'm wrecked because my visits are fewer and shorter than I would like because of my mental/physical problems. With all the love and fun the torture remains. My anxiety/ocd etc.,etc.,etc..... were in high gear because I was away from my nest. The last night there I awoke every couple of hours in a panic state. My thoughts were racing so much I couldn't even understand what I was thinking. I was just worried that I would start screaming and wake up my family. I didn't want to scare the kids. I was petrified. Every time I woke up I laid there frozen until the panic subsided. I was afraid things would escalate and I would be this frantic crazy-woman that had to be taken to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I thought that I had once again reached the point of no return. So,so,scary. Thankfully I was functional when I woke up in the morning. I don't mention these things to my loved ones. They really don't have time to read my blog, so hopefully they will not see this post. I am still sitting here scared even though I am home. My nervous system has to recover. Although I must say, it was worth going through this to see people that I love.

Oh, The Horror!

I realize that I'm always writing about my mind or the loss thereof. I go on and on ad nauseum. My mind is always on .....my mind. This nervous breakdown thing is a real pain in the ass. Modern psychiatry does not use the term "nervous breakdown".
However, I can't think of a more appropriate term for what has happened to me in the past. When a car breaks down, it stops going. That's what happened to me three or four times in my life, I stopped going. Each time I either slid or fell into this pit of despair and anxiety for months at a time. Fortunately, I was able to dig and claw my way out of the pit every time. The thing is, I never get far enough away from the pit. I live at the edge of this pit. Sometimes one foot slips in and I have to drag myself out again. I just never know when I'm going to fall in again. I'm used to having panic attacks, they come and go. My breakdowns always start with a panic attack. The difference is, it doesn't leave. It becomes an emotional state that just lasts and lasts. It doesn't have to be precipitated by anything traumatic, it just happens. Shit happens. When it happens, I feel really regressed, like a scared infant. I look in the mirror and see late middle aged, but I feel like an infant. Infants need care. I don't want to need care. I want to provide the care. I never want to be at the mercy of others. Anyhow, I am going away to visit family for a few days. The joy in this is always overshadowed by the fear of the breakdown. That's just the way it is. If anyone can relate to this, I'd appreciate the feedback. I guess I've said my piece. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

Bad Moon Rising

I'm hoping today's post will calm my storm today. I just never know when the illness will strike. I am referring to this emotional/physiological thing that has plagued me for most of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but this has been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember. Yeah, I have Lyme disease and a few other little physical things. This anxiety/depression thing makes everything else seem trivial. Today, I have the all too familiar feeling of dissociation. This is one of those lovely anxiety symptoms where you feel as though your limbs are not connected to your body. Always fun. I also feel like going into a hibernation sleep. It's not as intense as when I've had my "breakdowns" but it's scary. I hope it's not a sign of worse things to come. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but it's hard not to worry. Well, there's not much I can do except keep trying not to crash. I will definitely put up a fight.

Words to Live By

My mom was what you would call a real "live wire". She had a tremendous amount of nervous energy. She was a really bright woman, but wasn't the type to sit down and ponder the meaning of life. Some people just have to keep moving. I don't know if it's out of fear or not. There are just those that are on automatic pilot their entire lives. We've all seen them...the workaholics and such. We need them. They keep the place moving and shaking. Then there are the others, like myself. We sit and ponder everything. Sometimes it's comforting, other times it drives us insane. Yet we can't help it, we must question. It's this mixture of curiousity and fear that keeps us on this quest for knowledge. Anyhow, that having been said...there was this one moment with my mom that I never forgot. It was about a year before she died. We were sitting in her apartment (after a losing night at the casino) and she looked at me very seriously and said, "there's something important that I have to tell you." She sounded uncharacteristically calm and serious, so I gave her my full attention. I was preparing for her to tell me something deeply profound, so I was ready to be receptive. Well, her words to live by were these..."Always buy toilet paper on sale because it's very expensive." I kid you not, this is a true story. It turns out that this was excellent and true advice. To this day I look to see what's on sale and cut out the appropriate coupons. Words to live by. Of course I still ponder the mysteries of life and death. However, the only answer I come up with when I ask why is ..because. That's it, just because. So lately the only thing I know for sure is....yeah, you guessed it. Take my mom's advice..buy the stuff on sale. You'll be glad you did!!

Why I Should Drink

I have a malady for which there is no cure. It's a kind of sickness of the soul (if you will). Hey...I've always wanted to use that "if you will" phrase, and now I have! Anyway, my soul is a little ill because it cannot feel its roots. This is only my opinion, but it is the only opinion that I actually "feel". I personally believe that the natural state of all souls is to be loving. I am, of course, not referring to the physical body, with all those needs etc. That makes us all so tired. It clouds everything. I think at our core is pure love and understanding. All too often, I have hurt and anger that keeps me from feeling that basic love. I think its a combination of the genetic flaws of my physical body and how I was molded by my environment. I've worked very hard to change my way of thinking and acting, and to some extent have succeeded. However, there are some wounds that haven't healed and some fears that remain. When I have a drink, the hurt and fear are in the background. I can smile and feel at peace with my environment. I feel loving and happy. There are no more obstacles. This is why I should drink. Why would I not want to feel these things. I don't mean drink until I'm drunk, and I don't mean all the time.
I mean just sometimes, to experience the nice feelings. Well, I've said my piece. Cheers!

Stingray Conspiracy

Oh man, what a world. After the tragic death of the crocodile hunter, there were some incidents of violence against stingrays. What are people thinking??? They're obviously not thinking. These are the people who are on the waiting lists for hate groups and need to do some damage somewhere. The world is full of these people. Pretty scary. That is why I prefer staying home and typing on my computer. My own personal craziness is just fine with me. My very dear, departed friend used to say,
"They're just not very highly evolved." (spiritually, that is). Although so much violence is done in the name of religion, which in my opinion, has nothing to do with spirituality. Speaking of spirituality, I'm trying to make money. I've researched some stuff on the internet and will place some ads on my blog. Lots of people do this and don't feel the need to tell
others. I have lots of guilt and feel the need to confess everything. This is good for others because I will not try to rip-off anybody. That being said, please feel free to click if you like......or not, of course. Take care, and pleasant blogging.
selfseeker...aka...dysFUNction

Guilt Again

This post is guilt driven, like so many of my endeavors. I haven't posted in almost a month and I feel guilty. So who am I hurting, my legions of fans??? Yeah, right!! No, it's just me inflicting guilt on myself. I have it down to an art. Anyway, nothing much has changed in my life. The world around me marches on at its feverish crazy pace. We all hear the horrendous things in the news. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut says, "We're just on this earth to fart around, don't let anyone tell you anything different." Sounds right to me. The only thing we should be concerned about is helping each other to fart around and have fun. Protect the children so that they can grow up to fart around. Protect the planet so that we all can have our playground. That's about it. O.k., the end. Playtime everyone!!!

The Cord

I write this at a late hour. I can't sleep. My dog is doing her usual midnight nagging while I watch "Cops" on TV and play computer mahjongg. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. These feelings should be good. These are the things that sustain us. The important things. I know this, but for me there's this cord. The cord that attaches me to every significant living thing in my life. It drains me because I can't separate my emotions from theirs. I project mine onto them, and theirs are projected to me. It's a never-ending, chaotic flow of feelings that keeps me agitated to the point of exhaustion. It's as if I am responsible for everyone's well being. My well being depends on this, but ironically it prevents my well being. Vicious cycle. I often tell half truths in order to keep the delicate balance. I have some strong opinions that are never voiced. Just keep the balance...it's like juggling so many things. I can't keep it up forever. Something's gotta give. I don't know what or when. If only I could free myself..stand alone and let the chips fall where they may. I know the truth, if only I could own it. What a beautiful relief that would be.

Lyme Lemon

I live in the woods...mentally and physically. Lots of ticks and stuff. It hadn't occurred to me to get tested, even after several months of obvious symptoms. Lyme disease is so prevalent in the northeast. If it's caught early, it's not too bad. Unfortunately, I was a little late. I had the rash a long time ago, but didn't realize what it was. Now I have all kinds of stuff happening. Anyhow, I am taking doxycycline, which is giving me nasty side effects...or is it the lyme thing. Who knows. Anyway, a word to the wise...if you live in a lyme disease area, get tested. There are lots of symptoms, read up on it. Don't let it go, it only gets worse.

Dogenstein

I have created a monster. I just had to make this entry as I sit here (after midnight) being tormented by my spoiled rotten dog. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was in a couple previous posts along with her picture. She was a shelter dog. Someone had left her tied to a pole in a parking lot. She was taken to the not-so-humane association and was adopted by my partner and I six months later. She has bitten both of us and nipped at some children. She has eaten money, books, tissues and pens. She does not listen at all, and would throw us to the wolves while protecting herself. Yet, she is undeniably cute and we love her. We have had her for several years. She is up in age now (anywhere from 13 to 15). She is a little nicer and very spoiled. I see her as my special needs dog. She has behavioral issues that seem to be fear based. In my effort to comfort her, I give her lots of attention and good treats. She sleeps about 16 hours a day and torments the humans for the remaining eight. It's especially bad after 10:00PM. She keeps whining for treats and attention. She doesn't like me using the computer either. Sometimes she tries to knock my hand off of the keyboard. She would like to dictate when I go to bed, but I usually defy her. I have to draw the line somewhere. I know this is all my fault and I have probably broken every dog training rule. It's really ok though because it's a fun kind of torment. I know we understand and love each other in our own twisted ways. Isn't that much like any relationship? I think Sophie (my dog) agrees. She just gave me a very loving look...or was it a glare? Oh well, doesn't matter.

One Good Thing

Getting older sucks....physically. However, some things seem to be a little better (at least for me). I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. You know, those little things that used to be a big deal when you were younger. I don't really care how I look, as long as I'm clean. I'm definitely not a slave to fashion. Also, I can sometimes laugh at my inadequacies. I don't embarass easily either. That's a good thing, because I'm an airhead and a klutz ...a combination that leads to sitcom like situations when I'm out in public. For instance, there was the time that I was waiting in line to pay for a cappuccino that I had already sipped. I thought people were smiling at me because they were exceptionally friendly that day. Not the case. They were actually laughing because my sipped cappuccino had gotten on my mouth, chin, and tip of my nose. I looked like I was wearing foamy clown makeup. No one pointed this out to me. I had to discover it on my own when I looked into my rear view mirror. Oh well, no big deal. Today, I was standing in line at the custard stand, which should have been embarassing enough (I'm not exactly thin). Well, little did I know there were three little produce stickers on my t-shirt. I had on a dark t-shirt so the little white stickers stood out very nicely. I had just come from the super market, so they must have come off of the red peppers (#4088). Just par for the course.
Luckily I'm not trying to impress anyone. I, personally am impressed that I can still find my way home!

Not Sick, Just Weird

Went to the oral surgeon last Friday to check my tongue (orthodontist thought he saw lesions). The oral surgeon only saw a weird looking tongue, nothing to worry about. Weird looking tongue in a weird looking mouth on a weird looking face. No big deal, just normal for me. So I am relieved. Anyhow, this is such a low energy day, not just lazy like usual, but low energy too. Nothing funny to write. Oh well, maybe I'll stick out my tongue and get a good laugh.

Back from Vegas

Well, I made it through my vacation. What an odd sentence. Anyhow, I had a great time and came back with not much more insanity. However, a whole new load of trouble has flown in from Nastyland or wherever it is trouble starts. Bad things seem to come in these clumps. The particular clump that I'm dealing with now involves friends losing loved ones and personal health scares. All part of everyone's life. I know this. I'm not here to say "poor me". I'm just here....that's all. My latest scare is tongue cancer, yeah that's right, tongue cancer. I never smoked and don't drink heavily, but whatever... I have this leukoplakia on my tongue. I think that's how you say it. It was noticed by this orthodontist I went to for TMD. He was a nice guy, but it was like bizarro world. All his employees (including himself) wore braces. They were middle aged people with braces. I know some people really need them, but does EVERYONE need them??? It was hard to take him seriously when he was saying leukoplakia with metal and rubber bands in his mouth. I was surprised he could pronounce the word. Anyhow, I go to the oral surgeon in a week, so I have time to conjure up all kinds of horrible images. Truthfully, I'd be shocked if I had it, but I'm also shocked when I look at my fat stomach. Well, my sense of humor is intact which is my barometer for the tenuous hold I have on sanity. It's good to be communicating with all of you. I can't see you, but I know you're there! (in a good way, not in a paranoid way). OK, I feel much better now.

No Deja vu....please!

My last nervous breakdown was in February of 2002. I was on vacation in Las Vegas. I love to gamble, and I was visiting people that I really love.
Go figure. There's always a convenient reason if you look hard enough. My mother had died 14 months earlier. My medication had been changed. The planets weren't aligned properly. You just never know. What I do know is that I dread having another episode. I'm going to Las Vegas in two weeks. It's for the wedding of someone I love. A wonderful occasion. I will be around people that mean so much to me. The location and/or the people, of course, had nothing to do with my meltdown. It was whatever was inside my head. I'm just scared because I'm returning to the scene of my demise. The trick is not to sabotage myself. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure my fellow anxiety sufferers understand my dilemma.

A Borderline's Lament

Here's how today went down. Nobody loves me. I'm horrible. Such a wimp. But no...wait.. I'm actually brave. I'm not a wimp at all. Everbody loves me..but wait..no.. I need some space. So many demands. They suck the life right out of me!! But wait..no they don't. I need them. I really love them. So where are they? Never there when I need them. Uh-oh, who's that? Is someone at the door? I hope not. Oh God, I'm so lonely. I think I'll go out and be among strangers. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone. Maybe I'll call a friend. I don't know what to say, but there's so much to say. I'm just so tired, but I sleep too much. What's on TV...nothing good. Oh well, almost time for bed. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Human Services...Not Always Humane

These are feelings I've been wanting to express for years. I retired about a year ago from a job in "Human Services." This term, of course refers to a "helping" kind of job. In my case, it was in a state facility for the developmentally disabled. These individuals used to be called "retarded", but that was demeaning, and not politically correct. I agree. Apparently we all need labels and categories, it makes it easier to deal with people if you clump them all together. There are always people coming up with new and better terms for society's groups. The name-givers are in a group that I personally have labeled "Assholes."
In our workplace we frequently changed labels, buzz-words, mission statements, etc. All of the changes were supposed to make life better for our "individuals served" (the latest known label). Ya know what??!!! If people miss the point, none of it matters. Unfortunately, people miss the point so often that it makes me sick...mentally, emotionally, physically....TOTALLY SICK!!! The point, as I see it, and I hope many others see it, is to be nice. I don't mean phony nice, I mean really and truly a nice human being. Don't just go around spouting policies, buzz-words, and all that other bullshit. Don't just make things look good on paper. Also, be as realistic as you can. If certain things are not possible for some people, don't pretend they are possible. Never talk down to people. So often, people will take advantage of those who are perceived as "weaker" , whether it is mentally or physically. This gives them a sense of control and power. Many times the caregivers are sicker than those in their care. It's very important to be introspective and examine your motives. I have had three "vacations" in psychiatric hospitals. There is nothing more humiliating than being bullied by someone pretending to help. The sick and disabled are not stupid. They know who is for real, and who is not. Anyway, here's a word of advice for all those superficial, arrogant, so-called humanitarians. Your life could change in a flash, and you may need some kind of care. Would you want to be at the mercy of someone like you??

Dripping Faucet Mind

I always have a certain level of mental discomfort. I'm just stating a fact. It's no big deal. Lately it's like there's always a faucet dripping in the background. Most of the time it's not too annoying. However... during my more vulnerable moments (I can't explain when or why they occur), there is the drip. DRIP..(wave of fear)..DRIP..(anger)...DRIP.. (lonliness)...DRIP..(anxiety). The drips can be maddening. I cannot turn off this faucet. It cannot be fixed (they don't make those parts anymore). The water drips continuously. I can live with it. I will collect it in a huge vat where it will be analyzed. Maybe I can create an antidote for dysphoria. Who knows?? In the meantime, I will think loud, amusing thoughts.

War of Attrition

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.

Whats With Me???

I should have a sign on my forehead MOOD SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE!! It's so damn frustrating, this mental, emotional illness...whatever it's called. I had a trip planned for yesterday. I woke up feeling just awful. I believed it was a mental thing, but I ended up having a fever. Did depression bring it on, or was my body just saying "No more social activities." I don't know. Today I am really depressed. I was thinking about trying to go tomorrow. People are counting on me. I don't want to go somewhere and fall apart. It's happened before. Horrible for me and everyone else. I will be with my brother's grandchildren (my great nephews), and don't want to spoil everything. I so often disappoint people...and myself. Do I plan too many things for my fragile self to handle, or am I just a weak wimp? Wish I knew the answer. If I push through the situation, will there be a good outcome? Calling all psychics. Answer unknown. It just SUCKS.

Almost Near Death

I'm really just posting to keep up with my own ramblings. That probably didn't make much sense. Oh well..... . I just had another birthday. Closer to the end. That wasn't meant to be depressing. Just a fact. The end could possibly be a beginning. I've been reading some stuff about near death experiences etc. I really think there's an afterlife. I have to think that. I also have to think that it's very pleasant in the spirit world. I don't believe in any of the traditional religious stuff. I just think you have to do your best in this world and learn from your mistakes. That's it. Best wishes to everyone in the blogosphere.

A Sense of Purpose

I did not get a sense of identity from my work. It was at best, a diversion, and not a good one. We work because we need money, but also to feel productive. We all know the deal with people dying soon after they retire, even though they couldn't wait to retire. I was not all that productive at work, but it did give me a place to go every day. Now I find myself wandering through the days indulging in my favorite vices (over-eating, gambling, wine drinking). Admittedly, I enjoy these things, but they're supposed to be bad for me. They leave me feeling a little empty (even the over-eating). My work kind of left me empty too though. I think it all boils down to this...
We all want love..in one way or another
Love of family, pets, nature...on and on..giving, receiving, whatever. Everything else is part of the quest. If self-love is not attained..it's tough, very tough. Maybe I'm overstating the obvious here, but it's just my blog. I can continue to post my ramblings. I have to. It's part of my quest.