Your Royal "Highness"

I'm all for chemicals. They can make you feel better. I'm also for some of the "get high" chemicals. The only one I use is alcohol, in moderation. I used to drink heavily, many years ago. I had a lovely mix of valium and alcohol to keep me going. Actually, I wasn't trying to get high, I was trying to be normal. Those days are over (getting high and being normal). Anyhow, I digress. What I'm trying to say is, there's a responsibility involved when you use chemicals. Aside from the obvious stuff like driving, operating machinery etc., there are other things. People talk about people destroying themselves, that's their choice. It's an unfortunate choice, but still theirs. If it's someone close to you, you do what you can to help. In the end, it's always their choice. Then there are the people who are not necessarily destroying themselves (physically), but they are destroying relationships, sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly. These are the chronically buzzed people that choose to escape this reality 99-100% of their time on earth. They have their reasons. Physical illness, mental illness, whatever. They are on their own magical mystery tour. It works for them...to an extent. Their relationships with those of us in the perceived "real world" become strained. They don't notice much about us. Our moods and needs elude them. They can be wonderful caring people when not buzzed. We know this, but it is not evident when they are in la-la land. They want to share their buzzed thoughts and insights with us, but we cannot share their enthusiasm. It's ok occasionally, like at parties. On an hourly, daily basis, it erodes the relationships with those around you. They have mixed emotions of dread and sorrow. Dread of being besieged with the same nonsense, and sorrow that they can't communicate with the "you" that they know. Chronic drug use is a narcissistic thing. That's ok if you live alone in a room and can meet all of your needs. Just remember, it's hard on those you love. They miss the interactions that are only possible when you are in the same reality. Unless they are high too, it is not possible. It can lead to isolation, because the interactions just don't make sense. So...if you choose to, or need to escape, just remember the sacrifice. Those who love you will still love you. We will be there for you, most of us. However, the interactions will not be the same. Loved ones may avoid you. You won't be able to share experiences in the same way. Others may be saddened by this. If that's ok with you, that's fine. If not, maybe you can think of a solution.

So, You Wanna Piece of Me??

Some days are like this. Maybe most days are like this. They're all around me....my peeps. I am always at their beck and call. They don't necessarily demand this, but they are used to me. Yeah, I'm the one that's always asking if they're alright, if they're sad, mad, glad, sick, whatever..... I do this to keep my balance. It's not like I don't care about them. I do. I just have to do all this extra stuff, all the time. Always have, and probably always will. I know all the reasons. It doesn't matter. I change what I can, but the pattern continues. So....I hide in my room to try to capture my own little piece of me. I don't know it this happens or not. How do I know? I stare at the TV, I write in my blog. I contemplate stuff....I don't even know what stuff.
So here I am. In pieces, without a piece.

A Brief Summary of 2008

It was an eventful year. I came close to having a breakdown, but got somewhat better. I still walk the tightrope, as always. Healthwise, my Lyme disease is under control. My gallbladder was removed last June. My loved ones are all holding steady, including my disagreeable, elderly dog. I'm still fat and have no taste in clothing. My sense of humor is intact (very important). I still want to make money online, but have not started anything new. Anyhow, Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2009 brings better times for all of us!

I Gots a New Attitude

Today is the day. Today, December 14th 2008 is my day of change. I will not take on everyone else's problems. I am not them! It's not my fault if they don't get along. It's on them. So there!!
Take that....and that....and that too. Hey....who wrote that? Surely not me. Not this wimp. Well, we'll see, won't we? Or not.

Hurt, hurt, and more hurt

I live through others. I feel through others. Make no mistake, it is torture. Empathy can be a good quality, feeling trapped in others' feelings is hellish. I know that it's part of my illness, this low/no self esteem thing that I have. I feel that I am responsible for every one's happiness. I don't want to be the "bad one". I feel that it's all my fault if they don't get along. The pain is sometimes unbearable. Then I get furious at the ones doing the hurting. I mean, how could they? Don't they see that we're all suffering in some way? Don't they know how important it is for us to comfort each other? We are all delicate. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tolerate each other's short comings.

One Month....Not to the Day

Funny thing, yet not so funny. When we're miserable we're more "real" for lack of a better word. I say we, because I see this all the time. Funerals, hospitals, other sad occasions. I guess maybe I'm overstating the obvious. I'm sure most of us know this. The sad times are the times when you focus on the important things. The connections. Your connection with yourself and others. When your miserable you need to connect. You need the comfort and support. In better times we take so much for granted. The times have been a little better for me. The misery has not been as intense. That is a good thing, but I must continue to connect and not forget what is most important.

Schlocktober

When a month goes by with no entry it usually means things are pretty good. I had stabilized and a pleasant 2 1/2 on the misery scale. For me, that's fabulous. However, two days ago I plunged to a 5, for no apparent reason. Today I have been at a 4 1/2. Physical? Mental? No good answer. I'm still waging the same war, so who's the enemy????