To Thine Own Self

I am either cursed or blessed with the ability to know my own motivations. I cannot pretend that I am being nice or helpful, when I'm really being selfish and manipulative. Many people are able to pretend that they are doing things to benefit others when in fact, it is to satisfy their own needs. Luckily, it sometimes works out, and does benefit others. Many times it's disastrous. Take, for instance, religious fanatics. They answer to their higher authorities. Sometimes their higher authorities tell them to fly planes into buildings and kill as many of the "evil ones" as possible. They often gladly kill themselves in the process in order to reap their rewards in heaven. I wonder if they really examined their motivations if it would get down to this.....I'm screwed up, frustrated, and hurting. I need to do something terrible so I'll feel better. In order to justify this act I need a false sense of identity. Oh yeah, religion, that'll work !
My motivations are almost always to get love and approval. Although, I don't want too much love. Don't deserve that...no sir !! Just enough to keep me afloat. I have to validate my own existence by making sure everyone around me is happy with me. Not necessarily happy, just happy with me. Hard work. That's why sometimes I want to go live in the Northwest Territories. I like the cold and the idea of isolation. Of course then I wouldn't have a sense of myself without the feedback. You know, if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears etc. If I live in the woods and no one hears. Same deal.