Mortality

I've always been waiting for my own demise. I remember as far back as I could count measuring how many years I had left. I would use my mother's side of the family to predict my longevity. Most of them lived to be at least ninety. The outlook might have been grim had I used my father's side. I always took comfort in the fact that I had many years to go. It's great to be naive !! Well, I have had quite a few years, and despite the emotional problems I'm hoping for as many more quality years as I can have. When I say quality, I mean feeling physically and mentally well enough to still be able to laugh. Certain things inevitably come with age. I accept these things. Quite naturally, I fear the serious illnesses, but try not to dwell on those fears. Lately I've had a couple of minor things happen. First, (as pictured on a previous blog), viral conjunctivitis. No biggie. It was very uncomfortable, but ran its course. The latest is this skin infection (in the groin area...Yuck). There is swelling , redness, blisters, and there was a fever. It was scary enough to get me to the ER on Sunday. They said it was a staph infection (although my white cell count was normal), and put me on antibiotics. It's not that much better, but the fever is gone. Anyway, my mind started going to the fear place lately. You know...what if this is a sign of serious illness? What if it never heals?..on and on. I want to stop being afraid. Something will get me. Whether it's now, or 30 years from now. I am not religious in the conventional sense. I believe there is something after death. I have heard all the arguments. I have to come to my own conclusion. Anyway, in the mean time I want to learn to roll with the punches, because the punches will be a lot harder and more frequent as I age. This is why I'm making this entry. It's a self-help kind of thing. If you've been patient enough to read this, thanks. I wish you all the strength that I've been seeking!!