The Cord

I write this at a late hour. I can't sleep. My dog is doing her usual midnight nagging while I watch "Cops" on TV and play computer mahjongg. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. These feelings should be good. These are the things that sustain us. The important things. I know this, but for me there's this cord. The cord that attaches me to every significant living thing in my life. It drains me because I can't separate my emotions from theirs. I project mine onto them, and theirs are projected to me. It's a never-ending, chaotic flow of feelings that keeps me agitated to the point of exhaustion. It's as if I am responsible for everyone's well being. My well being depends on this, but ironically it prevents my well being. Vicious cycle. I often tell half truths in order to keep the delicate balance. I have some strong opinions that are never voiced. Just keep the balance...it's like juggling so many things. I can't keep it up forever. Something's gotta give. I don't know what or when. If only I could free myself..stand alone and let the chips fall where they may. I know the truth, if only I could own it. What a beautiful relief that would be.