Scary Circle

The old expression, "We've come full circle." I guess it's kind of a neutral statement. As I sit here tonight, I'm wondering if I have indeed come "full circle" in not such a great way. Years ago, when I was in the music profession, I relied on valium and alcohol keep my anxiety at a tolerable level. Eventually I felt enough was enough and decided that I'd rather leave the profession than take this dangerous cocktail. Well, after I opened up the pinata that is my mind, I wondered if I had made the right decision. That was twenty-five years ago. I still wonder. I never went back to the heavy drinking and valium. I also never went back to music. No great loss to the music profession or myself. It's the daily struggles with life itself. I know I've said that it's worth it to be able to feel the good things too. Lately, the good feelings have been scarce. The scary, anxious feelings have been plentiful. Not fun. Tonight, I sit here with a glass of wine on my nightstand
(after having taken my paxil). The paxil is a daily thing, the wine is new for tonight. The fear and panic were a bit overwhelming today. I guess it's not quite full circle from the valium and alcohol days. I think I know too much at this point. It's hard to block out what you already know. Too late. I just need a little extra help to ride tonight's wave. I'm not very good at surfing. Panic beach has some huge, nasty, waves. Better to lie on the paxil/merlot blanket.