Who am I..no really...Who am I ??

Many years ago a very pompous psychiatrist told me that I had an "as if" personality. He was a pompous, pill-pushing, arrogant son-of-a-bitch....but he was right. He told me that I related to others as if they were my parents, or somehow in charge of me. This is a kind of borderline personality thing. I was always the chameleon...blend in, don't make waves. Thirty-five years later, I'm only a tiny bit better. I have this little speck of a personality that sometimes speaks up, sometimes not. The trouble is, I usually feel "in the wrong" when I speak up for myself. I think I'm not as nice a person as people think I am. Eighty five percent of the time I don't want to do the things I am doing for others. It's true. I just have to keep the balance for my own security. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I am not mean. That is one good thing about me. Also, I love animals. The truth is though, I'd just as soon keep to myself and admire things from afar. I'm not good with any kind of intimacy.....with anyone. I'm currently in the process of trying to retire from my long time job. It's scary, and I will have more time to think, but I think it's necessary. Oh well..just rambling to my blog friends. Thanks for reading !!