Oh, The Horror!

I realize that I'm always writing about my mind or the loss thereof. I go on and on ad nauseum. My mind is always on .....my mind. This nervous breakdown thing is a real pain in the ass. Modern psychiatry does not use the term "nervous breakdown".
However, I can't think of a more appropriate term for what has happened to me in the past. When a car breaks down, it stops going. That's what happened to me three or four times in my life, I stopped going. Each time I either slid or fell into this pit of despair and anxiety for months at a time. Fortunately, I was able to dig and claw my way out of the pit every time. The thing is, I never get far enough away from the pit. I live at the edge of this pit. Sometimes one foot slips in and I have to drag myself out again. I just never know when I'm going to fall in again. I'm used to having panic attacks, they come and go. My breakdowns always start with a panic attack. The difference is, it doesn't leave. It becomes an emotional state that just lasts and lasts. It doesn't have to be precipitated by anything traumatic, it just happens. Shit happens. When it happens, I feel really regressed, like a scared infant. I look in the mirror and see late middle aged, but I feel like an infant. Infants need care. I don't want to need care. I want to provide the care. I never want to be at the mercy of others. Anyhow, I am going away to visit family for a few days. The joy in this is always overshadowed by the fear of the breakdown. That's just the way it is. If anyone can relate to this, I'd appreciate the feedback. I guess I've said my piece. Thanks in advance for reading my post.