This is a very tough post. I just came back from my visit. I visited people I love very much who have beautiful, wonderful children. I love them all so much. Here's the thing though...
I'm totally wrecked. I'm wrecked because my visits are fewer and shorter than I would like because of my mental/physical problems. With all the love and fun the torture remains. My anxiety/ocd etc.,etc.,etc..... were in high gear because I was away from my nest. The last night there I awoke every couple of hours in a panic state. My thoughts were racing so much I couldn't even understand what I was thinking. I was just worried that I would start screaming and wake up my family. I didn't want to scare the kids. I was petrified. Every time I woke up I laid there frozen until the panic subsided. I was afraid things would escalate and I would be this frantic crazy-woman that had to be taken to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I thought that I had once again reached the point of no return. So,so,scary. Thankfully I was functional when I woke up in the morning. I don't mention these things to my loved ones. They really don't have time to read my blog, so hopefully they will not see this post. I am still sitting here scared even though I am home. My nervous system has to recover. Although I must say, it was worth going through this to see people that I love.
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