Again

Huge panic attack today. It has now subsided, but the after shocks continue. Those who have had panic attacks might understand. Depression and depletion always follows. It is my fault. I had 3 cups of coffee this morning. I couldn't get away with it, not this time. When someone else is having an attack I can comfort them and tell them that it will pass. When I am having one, I know it is the end. I will either die, or end up in a hospital. It's always a horror. Now it's the depression and the anger. Anger at myself, anger at the hand I was dealt. I know there are so many who are worse off, but this is my lot in life. I really do want to enjoy life. I want to like myself. How much of this is physiological? I need to do more to help myself. I'm in my late fifties and enough of this misery. There are things down the road that I have to face with courage. This condition makes me feel terribly weak, and I hate it. Only I can help this, I know. It's a war within. I have to keep fighting.