No Deja vu....please!

My last nervous breakdown was in February of 2002. I was on vacation in Las Vegas. I love to gamble, and I was visiting people that I really love.
Go figure. There's always a convenient reason if you look hard enough. My mother had died 14 months earlier. My medication had been changed. The planets weren't aligned properly. You just never know. What I do know is that I dread having another episode. I'm going to Las Vegas in two weeks. It's for the wedding of someone I love. A wonderful occasion. I will be around people that mean so much to me. The location and/or the people, of course, had nothing to do with my meltdown. It was whatever was inside my head. I'm just scared because I'm returning to the scene of my demise. The trick is not to sabotage myself. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure my fellow anxiety sufferers understand my dilemma.

A Borderline's Lament

Here's how today went down. Nobody loves me. I'm horrible. Such a wimp. But no...wait.. I'm actually brave. I'm not a wimp at all. Everbody loves me..but wait..no.. I need some space. So many demands. They suck the life right out of me!! But wait..no they don't. I need them. I really love them. So where are they? Never there when I need them. Uh-oh, who's that? Is someone at the door? I hope not. Oh God, I'm so lonely. I think I'll go out and be among strangers. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone. Maybe I'll call a friend. I don't know what to say, but there's so much to say. I'm just so tired, but I sleep too much. What's on TV...nothing good. Oh well, almost time for bed. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Human Services...Not Always Humane

These are feelings I've been wanting to express for years. I retired about a year ago from a job in "Human Services." This term, of course refers to a "helping" kind of job. In my case, it was in a state facility for the developmentally disabled. These individuals used to be called "retarded", but that was demeaning, and not politically correct. I agree. Apparently we all need labels and categories, it makes it easier to deal with people if you clump them all together. There are always people coming up with new and better terms for society's groups. The name-givers are in a group that I personally have labeled "Assholes."
In our workplace we frequently changed labels, buzz-words, mission statements, etc. All of the changes were supposed to make life better for our "individuals served" (the latest known label). Ya know what??!!! If people miss the point, none of it matters. Unfortunately, people miss the point so often that it makes me sick...mentally, emotionally, physically....TOTALLY SICK!!! The point, as I see it, and I hope many others see it, is to be nice. I don't mean phony nice, I mean really and truly a nice human being. Don't just go around spouting policies, buzz-words, and all that other bullshit. Don't just make things look good on paper. Also, be as realistic as you can. If certain things are not possible for some people, don't pretend they are possible. Never talk down to people. So often, people will take advantage of those who are perceived as "weaker" , whether it is mentally or physically. This gives them a sense of control and power. Many times the caregivers are sicker than those in their care. It's very important to be introspective and examine your motives. I have had three "vacations" in psychiatric hospitals. There is nothing more humiliating than being bullied by someone pretending to help. The sick and disabled are not stupid. They know who is for real, and who is not. Anyway, here's a word of advice for all those superficial, arrogant, so-called humanitarians. Your life could change in a flash, and you may need some kind of care. Would you want to be at the mercy of someone like you??

Dripping Faucet Mind

I always have a certain level of mental discomfort. I'm just stating a fact. It's no big deal. Lately it's like there's always a faucet dripping in the background. Most of the time it's not too annoying. However... during my more vulnerable moments (I can't explain when or why they occur), there is the drip. DRIP..(wave of fear)..DRIP..(anger)...DRIP.. (lonliness)...DRIP..(anxiety). The drips can be maddening. I cannot turn off this faucet. It cannot be fixed (they don't make those parts anymore). The water drips continuously. I can live with it. I will collect it in a huge vat where it will be analyzed. Maybe I can create an antidote for dysphoria. Who knows?? In the meantime, I will think loud, amusing thoughts.

War of Attrition

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.

Whats With Me???

I should have a sign on my forehead MOOD SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE!! It's so damn frustrating, this mental, emotional illness...whatever it's called. I had a trip planned for yesterday. I woke up feeling just awful. I believed it was a mental thing, but I ended up having a fever. Did depression bring it on, or was my body just saying "No more social activities." I don't know. Today I am really depressed. I was thinking about trying to go tomorrow. People are counting on me. I don't want to go somewhere and fall apart. It's happened before. Horrible for me and everyone else. I will be with my brother's grandchildren (my great nephews), and don't want to spoil everything. I so often disappoint people...and myself. Do I plan too many things for my fragile self to handle, or am I just a weak wimp? Wish I knew the answer. If I push through the situation, will there be a good outcome? Calling all psychics. Answer unknown. It just SUCKS.

Almost Near Death

I'm really just posting to keep up with my own ramblings. That probably didn't make much sense. Oh well..... . I just had another birthday. Closer to the end. That wasn't meant to be depressing. Just a fact. The end could possibly be a beginning. I've been reading some stuff about near death experiences etc. I really think there's an afterlife. I have to think that. I also have to think that it's very pleasant in the spirit world. I don't believe in any of the traditional religious stuff. I just think you have to do your best in this world and learn from your mistakes. That's it. Best wishes to everyone in the blogosphere.

A Sense of Purpose

I did not get a sense of identity from my work. It was at best, a diversion, and not a good one. We work because we need money, but also to feel productive. We all know the deal with people dying soon after they retire, even though they couldn't wait to retire. I was not all that productive at work, but it did give me a place to go every day. Now I find myself wandering through the days indulging in my favorite vices (over-eating, gambling, wine drinking). Admittedly, I enjoy these things, but they're supposed to be bad for me. They leave me feeling a little empty (even the over-eating). My work kind of left me empty too though. I think it all boils down to this...
We all want love..in one way or another
Love of family, pets, nature...on and on..giving, receiving, whatever. Everything else is part of the quest. If self-love is not attained..it's tough, very tough. Maybe I'm overstating the obvious here, but it's just my blog. I can continue to post my ramblings. I have to. It's part of my quest.

Life, As I know it...

Sometimes I see the glass as half empty...and then I get thirsty. I try to take a drink only to realize that the glass is TOTALLY empty. Not only that, but it has a chip on the rim that cuts my lip. As if that's not enough, my lip starts to bleed profusely because the .81 mg of aspirin that I took to prevent the heart attack has thinned my blood. A disastrous chain of events then ensues leading to my ultimate demise and the end of civilization. My tortured soul is then released only to end up in a parallel world to face the exact same set of circumstances.
Oh well, just trying to maintain a cheery outlook. Happy holidays everyone!!

My Link

I'm not pushy at all. I can only say that I've made two $ 6.00 investments in this site and they have delivered as promised. I usually just write about my maladjustments and misadventures (if you check my other entries). However, if anyone wants to try this, you can use my link. Of course, I will make a little money on it, but you, in turn, can do the same. If you do try it, please give me feedback, as I am not out to scam anyone! Here's my link www.12dailypro.com/?ref=92421

Thanks..way in advance

Acting Out

Question:What makes a middle-aged woman walk down a deserted, dark road crying?
Answer: Despair, craziness, and immaturity. Sometimes I can't get my point across. Usually, I don't know my point. I just know how I feel...horrendous. I know so many of the reasons for my despair. No one really to blame at this point, not even myself. I have no more room for guilt. Certain situations are catalysts. Feeling rejected (real or imagined), feeling helpless, abandoned, whatever. These feelings cause unbearable pain for me, and sometimes I act badly. I like myself even less when I do this, but it seems to relieve some of the pain. Oh yeah, I know there are healthier ways to relieve emotional pain (like blogging). Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle. Tonight was one of those times. So I was once again the infant..the wrinkled old infant. Pretty scary...but just another day in the life. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Ugliness Is Only "Skin Deep"

This may be a curse, but I have the ability to see beneath the surface. What I mean is, I don't take people at "face value." I think it's quite obvious that people behave badly when they are feeling badly. It's also obvious that there are many reasons to feel badly. Whether it's a lifelong problem or only a temporary situation emotional pain cripples us in various ways. Basically, we either act out in some way (crying, yelling, being rude, etc.), or withdraw. Often we alternate between the two. Just as some people deal with chronic physical pain, there are those of us that deal with chronic emotional pain. Bad behaviors are coping mechanisms. I try to ease my own emotional pain by finding humor in things, which often requires creativity (along with a twisted mind). Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I usually see the good beneath the surface. I believe that the vast majority of us have goodness at our core. That is why when people say, "How can you like him or her?", or "Why do you bother with them?", I know the answer. It's because I can see beneath the surface. Sometimes I wish I couldn't, but I think it's all part of my path in life.

Stupid Sayings

There is a sign that I've seen in some workplaces, it goes a little something like this: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, etc., etc., etc....
I know many of us have seen this sign. For those of us who have had nervous breakdowns, it's just NOT FUNNY !! For me, having a nervous breakdown is like being sucked into this hellish vacuum. Whatever self-control I had is gone. There are no longer any pleasant emotions, only despair. Does anyone actually want to earn something like that? I THINK NOT. So..take down those signs. It's like wishing for a terminal disease. Avoid it like the plague (pun intended).
I'm writing this because lately it's been a little windy up here on my tightrope.
Who knows why? It doesn't matter why, all that matters is not falling.

Such a baby

I have this new toy now. I've been wanting a laptop for so long. Now I am sitting in bed posting to my blog. What a thrill. I've brought my little computer world to my bedroom. No more uncomfortable desk chairs. I have my pillows, comforters, and my t.v. Ain't technology great?
The idea of bedroom fun has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Well as they say, "whatever turns you on." Of course, they also say, "It's all good." Liars!!!

More Referrals

Ok, here goes another link. I'm trying to get a flat screen monitor. This is supposedly legit. Here's the link http://flatscreens.freepay.com/?r=23464394

The Doormat Foundation

I am going to create a new organization for those of us that have been doormats all of our lives. As we all know, a "doormat" is the type of person that takes way too much emotional abuse from others. The others could be strangers, family, or friends. It doesn't matter. We will occasionally speak up for ourselves, but usually feel guilty when we do. In general, we are caring people who would do anything to "keep the peace". It is very important for us to be liked, even by people we can't stand. People tend to mistreat us just because they can. I guess everyone likes to feel empowered. Maybe we should have a 12 step program and we could all be recovering doormats. The first step would be to ask others to make amends to us . Oh well, maybe it's just a self-pity day. All comments are welcome...unless they are hurtful. I've reached my quota.

Oh no, I'm Advertising

OK, here's the deal. I joined Stormpay and they have all these "randomizers". This one for bums captured my interest. If you're a Stormpay member, you can send money via e-mail. If you feel like it you can check it our at this url http://www.spare2bucks.com/random/?id=foobie@comcast.net

I'm not the selling type, and I can't guarantee anything, but it doesn't hurt to look. Thanks in advance, and yes, I feel guilty.

BPD + Caffeine+ Tiredness + Blog =

Here is my de-railed train of thought tonight. Am I right or wrong? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that ? I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm an awful person. No I'm not, I'm a good person. I think I'm ugly...no average...no.. not bad for my age..no..bad for any age. I'm angry. I'm happy. I don't know what I am. Life is funny...no it's not. I'm having trouble breathing, no, I'm breathing fine. Did I make the right decision? I think I'm getting a cold..no, I'm not. I'm nuts..yes, I am nuts. Are there any questions???

Retired..the real work begins

I am retired. Wow, I suddenly feel free....and old. A large percentage of my life has gone by. Now what? So far, I've spent many hours pondering..which I also did at work. Did I need the structure that my job offered? Well, actually, my job had no structure. I did have lots of interactions with other people, and some nice work friendships. I miss those. I don't miss the frustration of the job. The question is, "What do I need now?" Money, for one. I also need some interactions with people I love...just some interactions. Being borderline, I can't take too much. I also want to have fun as long as I can. Sometimes, that's the most difficult work of all. My fun this morning was looking in the mirror and laughing at my appearance. I guess that's not very constructive. I will try to laugh at something else..not related to myself. Maybe I'll watch the 700 club, or a rerun of The Nanny. I could always practice my violin. Yes, I play the violin. I used to do it for a living, until I ran out of bourbon and valiums (I'm entirely serious). Well anyway, I wish my blog family a wonderful day.

Polly

Usually when we say something's "a scream" we mean it's funny. When I say that my mother's side of the family was a scream, I really mean "a scream"!!
They were a mixture of the loudest, most abrasive male and female voices in the world. As if that wasn't bad enough, they used their loud voices constantly. The "meeting of the loud" often took place at my great aunt's house. We called her meemah Haikah. I think meemah meant "aunt". I don't know what language it was...maybe Russian. My grandmother had eighteen brothers and sisters so there were a lot of meemahs. They all looked like the same old lady wearing the same house dress. The old Russians weren't big on getting all dolled up. They were, however, big on yelling. The noise at my great aunt's house was deafening. A war could have broken out, and we wouldn't have heard the bombs dropping. Be that as it may (whatever the hell that means), it was one of my favorite places. This was because of the parrot. Meemah Haika's son Morris was a surgeon who had successfully operated on his friend's parrot. The friend turned this mean-spirited bird over to cousin Morris, who then gave him to his mother, the afore-mentioned meemah Haika. The bird, being mean and loud, fit in beautifully. They weren't big on originality, so they named him Polly. He quickly learned everyone's name and would tell them each to shut-up at the appropriate time. Of course, they didn't listen. He also liked to scare people as they came in the door. It was a poorly lit hallway, and people couldn't see him. He would yell "Up against the wall!" People would think they were being held up (it was a dangerous neighborhood). We were sometimes lucky enough to bird-sit when my aunt went away. We would put his cage in our kitchen. He learned our dog's name and would repeatedly call him. The dog would come running into the kitchen and look around confused. Polly loved that game. He was used to having toast and coffee in the morning and would start screaming for it at 6:00 AM. He was the most entertaining pet I ever knew. It's amazing that personality traits that are so obnoxious in people could be so cute in an animal. Now there's an intelligent design!