Fast Dancing

I was thinking of the book by Barbara Gordon titled I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can. She told the story of her addiction and eventual withdrawal from valium. I think it was written about twenty years ago. I was going through valium withdrawal about the same time as she did. We had both stopped the medication abruptly. HUGE MISTAKE !! They know better now. Still, you must be extremely careful with those "benzos" (drugs in the valium family). The reason for my valium use (and abuse), was similar to Barbara Gordon's. Our purpose in life was to please others. Granted, it's very nice to be thoughtful and to do nice things for others. However, when it's a constant job that involves everyone you meet (even if they are not very nice people), it becomes a sickness. A sickness where you continually suppress your very essence to have others like you. The rewards are shallow. They don't really like you. They don't know the real you. You don't know the real you. It tries to come out, and you push it down. The real you starts to seem like a monster. That is why you drink, or take a pill. You are scared. It only feels scary because way deep down you are hurting. You have starved your soul. I know this now. It's up to me to break the pattern. The real me.