I Suck !!

When I say this, I try to say it in a lighthearted fashion. At my ripe old age I try to like myself as much as possible, but certain things just don't pan out (if you know what I mean). I constantly fight my own emotional demons. About 25 years ago I happened upon a wonderful therapist, who I still see to this day. She was wonderful for many reasons, number one..she cared, number two, she took the time to listen and understand. I had seen so many shrinks at that point, some were just plain assholes, others just wanted to medicate me. Granted, I have discovered that I do need the meds, but what I needed most was insight. That, and the tools to cope with my disorder. That disorder would be BPD..borderline personality disorder. I'm not big on labels, but I guess sometimes a group of people share certain characteristics. I have many of the BPD traits, but more importantly, I knew why I felt so badly. Knowledge is indeed power. It makes things just a little less scary. I have managed to change many behaviors over the years. Unfortunately, some behaviors, and many of the feelings remain. I still do not have a clear separation of myself from others. They call it fluid boundaries. I kind of live my life as if I'm performing for some vast unknown audience. When I try to feel differently, there is this emptiness that descends upon me. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this. It can be quite exhausting. What is the toughest are my interactions with kids. I never feel like the adult. Kids usually like me because I am like a really old kid. I will play with them for hours, even if I don't want to. I can never say no. For this reason, I avoid being with them. It's easiest for me when other adults are around to run the show. Infants are much easier for me, because their emotional needs are simple. I so want to feel differently, but it hasn't changed. Kids are a precious commodity and I want to be able to enjoy them without torturing myself. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep trying.