Warrior/Loser

O.K. Here's what I want to say tonight. I am actually crying while writing this. My psychiatrist had to write a brief history of my psychological problems for some paperwork I needed. She wrote what I considered to be a very accurate account of my past and present maladies. That having been said..it threw me for a loop. I guess in a way I've considered myself a kind of warrior. I've created a kind of emotional sword over the years to slay the anxiety/depression dragons before they completely devour me. The sword was created with humor and as much rational thought as I can muster. Well, sometimes it's tough to fight, sometimes I get ambushed. I know, I know...the dragons are me. It's all me. Why do I torture myself ? I have some of the answers. Low self esteem is one answer. Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positively. Oh yeah, and I could write down all the good stuff about me etc. Sometimes I do those things. Sometimes they help. I feel better when I do something nice for someone. All these things help some of the time....but.....there is something else. This intangible thing, this core of sadness. Could be chemical...who knows. It's always with me. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am lucky in so many ways, and for that I am thankful. I am just stating facts. I am torn between thinking I pamper myself too much and I don't pamper myself enough. When I read my mental illness biography I did not look like a warrior. I looked like a pathetic loser, and it made me sad. I suppose I could say, "Look what you've come through, and you're still here." Maybe...but right now I can't. I just think I should do better. I don't always know what better is, and if better is possible. I will, however, keep plodding on. By the way, did you know that there is such a word as "suicidality" ? I wouldn't recommend using it on a resume'. Here's to happier times.