Blog Has New "Slant"

This blog has now become my daily "breakdown" diary. Also, I can't help but notice how much I like to use quotes. The morning has been tough, like it always is during these times. I got out of bed, had a tiny bit of coffee, and then walked my dog. I felt more and more anxious during the walk home. By the time I got to the door, the burning skin/despair feeling had returned. I didn't have too much of that yesterday, it was a better day (at this point). I'm getting closer to making a decision about a trip to see my family. We're driving, and it's a two day trip. I keep changing my mind. When I feel a little better, I think I can make it. When I feel worse, I know I can't make it. If I stay home, I will be alone to deal with my demons. If I go, will I be able to interact with the children? If not, I'll feel like a burden on the family. Only I can decide. I have atarax for my anxiety, but I don't want to sleep the day away. Then again, maybe I need to sleep. When I started typing this, I felt agitated and was crying. Now I feel depressed, agitated and exhausted. It's infuriating. There are people all over the world in terrible physical shape. They can't walk the dog. They're in chronic pain. I guess it's the stigma of mental illness. It seems like self indulgence and laziness. I have to continually tell myself that it's an illness. A nasty illness. I tell other people that, it's true for me too. Anyhow, I'm fifteen minutes from the beach. If I don't take the atarax, I'll try to drive there. The ocean helps..always. Even if only a little. My heart goes out to fellow sufferers, no matter what the malady. Hang on.