Your Royal "Highness"

I'm all for chemicals. They can make you feel better. I'm also for some of the "get high" chemicals. The only one I use is alcohol, in moderation. I used to drink heavily, many years ago. I had a lovely mix of valium and alcohol to keep me going. Actually, I wasn't trying to get high, I was trying to be normal. Those days are over (getting high and being normal). Anyhow, I digress. What I'm trying to say is, there's a responsibility involved when you use chemicals. Aside from the obvious stuff like driving, operating machinery etc., there are other things. People talk about people destroying themselves, that's their choice. It's an unfortunate choice, but still theirs. If it's someone close to you, you do what you can to help. In the end, it's always their choice. Then there are the people who are not necessarily destroying themselves (physically), but they are destroying relationships, sometimes blatantly, sometimes subtly. These are the chronically buzzed people that choose to escape this reality 99-100% of their time on earth. They have their reasons. Physical illness, mental illness, whatever. They are on their own magical mystery tour. It works for them...to an extent. Their relationships with those of us in the perceived "real world" become strained. They don't notice much about us. Our moods and needs elude them. They can be wonderful caring people when not buzzed. We know this, but it is not evident when they are in la-la land. They want to share their buzzed thoughts and insights with us, but we cannot share their enthusiasm. It's ok occasionally, like at parties. On an hourly, daily basis, it erodes the relationships with those around you. They have mixed emotions of dread and sorrow. Dread of being besieged with the same nonsense, and sorrow that they can't communicate with the "you" that they know. Chronic drug use is a narcissistic thing. That's ok if you live alone in a room and can meet all of your needs. Just remember, it's hard on those you love. They miss the interactions that are only possible when you are in the same reality. Unless they are high too, it is not possible. It can lead to isolation, because the interactions just don't make sense. So...if you choose to, or need to escape, just remember the sacrifice. Those who love you will still love you. We will be there for you, most of us. However, the interactions will not be the same. Loved ones may avoid you. You won't be able to share experiences in the same way. Others may be saddened by this. If that's ok with you, that's fine. If not, maybe you can think of a solution.

So, You Wanna Piece of Me??

Some days are like this. Maybe most days are like this. They're all around me....my peeps. I am always at their beck and call. They don't necessarily demand this, but they are used to me. Yeah, I'm the one that's always asking if they're alright, if they're sad, mad, glad, sick, whatever..... I do this to keep my balance. It's not like I don't care about them. I do. I just have to do all this extra stuff, all the time. Always have, and probably always will. I know all the reasons. It doesn't matter. I change what I can, but the pattern continues. So....I hide in my room to try to capture my own little piece of me. I don't know it this happens or not. How do I know? I stare at the TV, I write in my blog. I contemplate stuff....I don't even know what stuff.
So here I am. In pieces, without a piece.

A Brief Summary of 2008

It was an eventful year. I came close to having a breakdown, but got somewhat better. I still walk the tightrope, as always. Healthwise, my Lyme disease is under control. My gallbladder was removed last June. My loved ones are all holding steady, including my disagreeable, elderly dog. I'm still fat and have no taste in clothing. My sense of humor is intact (very important). I still want to make money online, but have not started anything new. Anyhow, Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2009 brings better times for all of us!

I Gots a New Attitude

Today is the day. Today, December 14th 2008 is my day of change. I will not take on everyone else's problems. I am not them! It's not my fault if they don't get along. It's on them. So there!!
Take that....and that....and that too. Hey....who wrote that? Surely not me. Not this wimp. Well, we'll see, won't we? Or not.

Hurt, hurt, and more hurt

I live through others. I feel through others. Make no mistake, it is torture. Empathy can be a good quality, feeling trapped in others' feelings is hellish. I know that it's part of my illness, this low/no self esteem thing that I have. I feel that I am responsible for every one's happiness. I don't want to be the "bad one". I feel that it's all my fault if they don't get along. The pain is sometimes unbearable. Then I get furious at the ones doing the hurting. I mean, how could they? Don't they see that we're all suffering in some way? Don't they know how important it is for us to comfort each other? We are all delicate. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and tolerate each other's short comings.

One Month....Not to the Day

Funny thing, yet not so funny. When we're miserable we're more "real" for lack of a better word. I say we, because I see this all the time. Funerals, hospitals, other sad occasions. I guess maybe I'm overstating the obvious. I'm sure most of us know this. The sad times are the times when you focus on the important things. The connections. Your connection with yourself and others. When your miserable you need to connect. You need the comfort and support. In better times we take so much for granted. The times have been a little better for me. The misery has not been as intense. That is a good thing, but I must continue to connect and not forget what is most important.

Schlocktober

When a month goes by with no entry it usually means things are pretty good. I had stabilized and a pleasant 2 1/2 on the misery scale. For me, that's fabulous. However, two days ago I plunged to a 5, for no apparent reason. Today I have been at a 4 1/2. Physical? Mental? No good answer. I'm still waging the same war, so who's the enemy????

Plodding Along

Misery scale is steady at 3. I go from day to day hanging on to my semblance of sanity. I haven't sobbed in a couple of weeks. There have been very brief periods of anxiety, but they have been manageable. Viva la deplin.....maybe.

Oh, But It's Been Too Long

It's been 6 days since my last post (obviously). I've been between 3 and 3 1/2 which is ok. I just switched to the generic version of my paxil cr. I hope it's as effective and the brand name. You never know. I hope I'm effective! Anyhow, I holding steady/shaky and I'm sort of glad. I want to be better though, but I can't be too greedy right now. Slow and steady is alright as long as it's in a positive direction.

Friday Night....Late

Holding steady at a 3 (for the most part). I was a little shaky this morning, but it wasn't terrible.
Let's see what tomorrow brings (it's only 22 minutes away).

See Me in September

Well, September has started with a 3 on the misery scale. Hope I'm not in for a "fall"....get it??
Not so funny, but still an improvement. My goal is to be able to enjoy the people I love. Is that so much to ask? Huh?? I don't have to be rich or famous. I don't need power or control. I just want to make nice memories. I also want to be able to play video poker, but that's not "in the cards" right now. Get it?? "In the cards." Just so, so funny.

Onward and (possibly) Upward

The last couple of days have been a steady 3. No dips, so that's pretty good. My sense of humor has partially returned so I am somewhat optimistic. I can handle this. I'll try not to rock the boat.

Not Bad...yet Not Good

I'm still feeling better, but not too steady. I mean, I crawled to the edge of the abyss, but I don't have such a great foothold. The misery rating for today is 3 1/4. Still ok. I keep crawling until I can walk.

A Bit Brighter

Yesterday and today have been a semi-comfortable 2 3/4 on the misery scale. I'll take it!!!
Some mild angst with a trace of inner peace. The best it's been in weeks. Is it the deplin? Is it the paxil? Is it the cosmos? Whatever...something is different. My life hasn't changed and there have been no epiphanies. Must be chemical. Oh well, I'll ride the wave. I'm buying a round of zero misery for everyone. It's on me. Enjoy.

Yuck

Yes, I've been a yuck on the misery scale for the past two days. That's about a 4 1/2. Nothing new with the deplin yet. However, a nice person gave me feedback about the deplin. Thanks, you have inspired me to be patient and give it a chance to work. Anyhow the misery pattern has changed making the evenings more uncomfortable. This is new, and not too welcome but wtf.
Sometimes a good sob helps. I feel like sobbing quite often now. That's not the worst thing in the world. Sobbing and pinot noir, maybe that's the answer.

Me again....well who else would it be?

Today fluctuated between a 3 and 4. It's my 4th day on deplin, my new med. It's a form of folic acid, supposed to enhance how the paxil works. No change yet. I wonder about my supposedly cured lyme disease. Not enough is known about the disease. Well, no choice but to fight the battle. Right now, I'm a 4 (moderate misery). Although, I must admit, I might be getting slightly better week by week. I want to think that is so....so it is! Well, I'm going to check out some meditation techniques. Maybe that will help. Bye for now.

A Little Tough

Misery scale rating today is a 4 so far. Last night was a 2 1/2. Nice. Maybe I had to pay for it this morning. Well, I'll muddle through, as always. I'll look for the funny, and the beautiful.

What's My Status Gladys?

Yesterday was a 3, not too shabby. Today was a 4, climbing to a 5. Rough afternoon. Almost a panic attack, but not full blown. I'm exploring the possibility of sugar and carbs causing some of these panics, as weird as that may seem. They seem to happen after sweet and starchy meals. Hmmm. I'm not crazy, I just need a balanced diet. Yeah, there's the ticket. Well, ya never know. All the dysfunction in my life had nothing to do with my present situation. Hah! Now, how could that be true? I guess I'll never really know.

Four Day Update

The last 4 days were 3's and 4's. Same old stuff. I started a new medication today. Well, actually an old medication with a different name. It's a short term anxiety med. A benzo. Been there, done that, but I'm a different person now. I know too much and can't combine it with shots of bourbon anymore. Let me rephrase that....I won't combine it with shots of bourbon. It used to be a recipe for fun. Now, it's a recipe for disaster. Well, so far the pill hasn't worked. I probably need my old dose which was 75 times the prescribed dosage. I have quite an active nervous system. Oh well, I'll keep trying. Maybe a cattle prod will be next.

So, so day

Today was a 3 3/4 dropping to a 3 by mid-afternoon. Not as bad as yesterday. Right now I'm watching "The New Adventures of Old Christine." I thinks it's a rerun, but maybe not. I don't think it matters. Anyhow, we'll see what tomorrow brings. A new refrigerator, for one thing. The rest is a mystery. What will the misery be?? Stay tuned and see. Is anyone tuned? Like the "Old Christine" reruns...I don't think it matters.