Fringe Dweller

I feel that I live on the edge. The edge of madness? I don't know. Maybe that's a bit too dramatic. The edge of emotional collapse might be more accurate. It's not all that horrible. There are good and bad times. As long as the tide keeps turning, it's bearable. Lately, I've been missing the old valium and alcohol days. I used to use this mixture of the two in order to function. Of course, over the years, I developed a huge tolerance (especially for the valium). I'd need a varying amount of both substances to get through the days. I would not recommend this to ANYONE !!! I can attest to the fact that this lovely combo stops working , and then comes the withdrawal, which is pure hell. However, when it did work, it was wonderful. It was like "THE ANXIETY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" I could work, socialize, laugh...all that good stuff; but again, the price I paid was torturous. Anyway, now I have paxil. It helps, but doesn't blot out the pain. Paxil and wine come close, which is why I have to be careful. I can't let it become a habit. Substances can be very enticing to those of us that suffer from anxiety and/or depression. However, speaking for myself (as I can't for anyone else), I have to let in some of the pain. If I don't, I will not feel as alive, and the good things won't have as much meaning.