The Doormat Foundation

I am going to create a new organization for those of us that have been doormats all of our lives. As we all know, a "doormat" is the type of person that takes way too much emotional abuse from others. The others could be strangers, family, or friends. It doesn't matter. We will occasionally speak up for ourselves, but usually feel guilty when we do. In general, we are caring people who would do anything to "keep the peace". It is very important for us to be liked, even by people we can't stand. People tend to mistreat us just because they can. I guess everyone likes to feel empowered. Maybe we should have a 12 step program and we could all be recovering doormats. The first step would be to ask others to make amends to us . Oh well, maybe it's just a self-pity day. All comments are welcome...unless they are hurtful. I've reached my quota.

Oh no, I'm Advertising

OK, here's the deal. I joined Stormpay and they have all these "randomizers". This one for bums captured my interest. If you're a Stormpay member, you can send money via e-mail. If you feel like it you can check it our at this url http://www.spare2bucks.com/random/?id=foobie@comcast.net

I'm not the selling type, and I can't guarantee anything, but it doesn't hurt to look. Thanks in advance, and yes, I feel guilty.

BPD + Caffeine+ Tiredness + Blog =

Here is my de-railed train of thought tonight. Am I right or wrong? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that ? I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm an awful person. No I'm not, I'm a good person. I think I'm ugly...no average...no.. not bad for my age..no..bad for any age. I'm angry. I'm happy. I don't know what I am. Life is funny...no it's not. I'm having trouble breathing, no, I'm breathing fine. Did I make the right decision? I think I'm getting a cold..no, I'm not. I'm nuts..yes, I am nuts. Are there any questions???

Retired..the real work begins

I am retired. Wow, I suddenly feel free....and old. A large percentage of my life has gone by. Now what? So far, I've spent many hours pondering..which I also did at work. Did I need the structure that my job offered? Well, actually, my job had no structure. I did have lots of interactions with other people, and some nice work friendships. I miss those. I don't miss the frustration of the job. The question is, "What do I need now?" Money, for one. I also need some interactions with people I love...just some interactions. Being borderline, I can't take too much. I also want to have fun as long as I can. Sometimes, that's the most difficult work of all. My fun this morning was looking in the mirror and laughing at my appearance. I guess that's not very constructive. I will try to laugh at something else..not related to myself. Maybe I'll watch the 700 club, or a rerun of The Nanny. I could always practice my violin. Yes, I play the violin. I used to do it for a living, until I ran out of bourbon and valiums (I'm entirely serious). Well anyway, I wish my blog family a wonderful day.

Polly

Usually when we say something's "a scream" we mean it's funny. When I say that my mother's side of the family was a scream, I really mean "a scream"!!
They were a mixture of the loudest, most abrasive male and female voices in the world. As if that wasn't bad enough, they used their loud voices constantly. The "meeting of the loud" often took place at my great aunt's house. We called her meemah Haikah. I think meemah meant "aunt". I don't know what language it was...maybe Russian. My grandmother had eighteen brothers and sisters so there were a lot of meemahs. They all looked like the same old lady wearing the same house dress. The old Russians weren't big on getting all dolled up. They were, however, big on yelling. The noise at my great aunt's house was deafening. A war could have broken out, and we wouldn't have heard the bombs dropping. Be that as it may (whatever the hell that means), it was one of my favorite places. This was because of the parrot. Meemah Haika's son Morris was a surgeon who had successfully operated on his friend's parrot. The friend turned this mean-spirited bird over to cousin Morris, who then gave him to his mother, the afore-mentioned meemah Haika. The bird, being mean and loud, fit in beautifully. They weren't big on originality, so they named him Polly. He quickly learned everyone's name and would tell them each to shut-up at the appropriate time. Of course, they didn't listen. He also liked to scare people as they came in the door. It was a poorly lit hallway, and people couldn't see him. He would yell "Up against the wall!" People would think they were being held up (it was a dangerous neighborhood). We were sometimes lucky enough to bird-sit when my aunt went away. We would put his cage in our kitchen. He learned our dog's name and would repeatedly call him. The dog would come running into the kitchen and look around confused. Polly loved that game. He was used to having toast and coffee in the morning and would start screaming for it at 6:00 AM. He was the most entertaining pet I ever knew. It's amazing that personality traits that are so obnoxious in people could be so cute in an animal. Now there's an intelligent design!

Guilt Over Previous Post

I feel very guilty about my previous post. I didn't want to mislead anyone. I'm really hoping the money thing will work. It's an interesting premise. I'll be sure to let everyone know. That having been said, I will focus my guilt onto something else. It's there, and it needs a focus. Mabye some day I will have a guiltectomy, but that would probably involve my whole being. I wonder what the difference is between "otomy" and "ectomy" ? You know, appendectomy, lobotomy.
They both involve removal. Oh well, I've had way too much coffee and not enough paxil. Combine that with crazy and you've got a bad thing. I wish everyone a lovely day. Just be thankful that you're not living with me!

Money making???? Maybe

Ok, here goes,
I can't say if this works or not, but I sent $ 10 to the first person on the list about an hour ago. I checked this out on lots of scam sights, and didn't find anything negative. I'll let you know if it works. Try it if you like. Who knows, maybe we'll all make money.


I turned $10 into $31,250 within the first 30 days of operating this business plan. If you decide to take action on the following instructions, you will enjoy a similar return! Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Please do not be skeptical about this program. At least think about it for a few days. Otherwise you will be throwing away over $30,000 in cash! This system has been working for 2 years and thousands of people have joined and they have been amazed by the results of a little time and $10! You will too!


Start Now, free - Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Here's what you need to do. . .

STEP 1

Ok, the very first and most important thing you need to do is SAVE this page in your Favorites so you can come back to it if you lose it. Done that? Ok, if you're not already a Stormpay user, you need to click on the Stormpay link below and SIGN UP. It takes just 2 minutes!

https://www.stormpay.com/stormpay/promo.php

Be sure to use the link below so you can sign up for a free BUSINESS account. You'll need to have a BUSINESS account (and not a PERSONAL account) otherwise you won't be able to receive credit card payments from other people.



Here's the link: Click Here To Create a Stormpay Account

STEP 2

It is an undeniable law of the universe that we must first give in order to receive.
So the first thing to do when you have your Stormpay account is to send a $10 payment from your Stormpay account to the FIRST email address in the list below. After you have paid the first person, that person will then email back to you the software download link and email blast info: Also, your payment to the person in the number 1 position, GUARANTEES that you will be paid as the program proceeds and when your name reaches the top position. This guarantees there will be no cheating. This is what makes it FOOL PROOF. To do this successfully, follow these simple steps:

1. Login to Stormpay and click on the Send Money tab;

2. In the 'Recipient's Email' field enter the FIRST email address of list of 5 below;

3. In the 'Amount' field enter 10 (this is your $10 payment);

4. In the 'Type' field select Service (though it doesn't really matter what you put here, this is for Stormpay's own records)


**5. This Is VERY IMPORTANT!! In the 'Note' field on the Stormpay form, enter Send Software Download Links (Be certain to add this note, as this is what keeps this program legal).

6. Finally, click on the Continue button to complete the payment. That's it!

Please note: following step five exactly will ensure that the program will work for you and that you will be paid. When you send your $10 payment to the first address in the list, do it with a great big smile on your face because "as you sow, so shall you reap!"



Here's the current list:

1. sales@totallyfreecars.com

2. info@paychecks-now.com

3. navha@optonline.net

4. sales@click-space.com

5. foobie@comcast.net

After you have transferred a $10 payment to the email address at the top of the list, something very eerie happens. It gives you an indescribable, overwhelming sense of certainty, belief and conviction in the system. You've just proved to yourself that, because you have done it, there must be a great number of other people ready to do exactly the same. Thus you have now seen for yourself, first hand, that this business actually works!


Don't be tempted not to send the $10 to the first person! Because....here is why....


If you don't send the $10 to the person at the top of this list, you won't make it to step 4, which is the best part of the whole program. That's the part which Makes it foolproof!

STEP 3

Once you've sent a $10 payment to the address at the top of the list (along with your note - this is VERY important!), the next thing you need to do is to obtain a copy of the contents of this page, as you'll be sending it out (as an email message or by advertising your page, like I have done) to at least 40 people (keep in mind that 40 is a good number of people to reach, but with all the different ways of advertising for free on the internet the amount of views and signups under you could well exceed into the hundreds or thousands if you wish....the more people who join the more profitable for everyone on the list, including you). The copy that you will send out will contain YOUR email address at number 5 in the list - having deleted the address at Number 1 in the list, and moving the others up a position.

The best way to do this is you can copy and paste into emails to your family and friends. You can copy and paste it and put ad's on the internet on message boards etc. Or you can create your own free website, by copying and pasting. There are many free webpages you can build on the web. For example 2 good ones are http://www.geocities.com/ or http://www.cmlb.net/. Both of these are simple to use. And the best part of having this info on a website for people to follow is you can post links to your site on paid to click websites or paid to read email sites, for great advertising. There are countless ways to get more people like me and you involved in this amazing program.



A. Go to the toolbar at the top of the window and select "Edit" and then "Select All".


B. Go to the toolbar again and select "Edit" and then "Copy".

C. Start (compose) a new email message (PLAIN TEXT so everyone can view it!).

D. Fill in your email address and subject line, and then click in the main message area.

E. Go to "Edit" and "Paste" to paste the text into your new email message. Now you can edit and format the message text in any way you want! However, it's best to just leave the text as it is because you want your email to be read by everyone who receives it!

The only thing you need to make sure of is that YOUR email address is at Number 5 in the list in STEP 2. Of course, the address that was previously at Number 1 should have been removed, and the other email addresses should have been moved up a position to accommodate yours at Number 5. As long as you have done this correctly, your email is ready for sending!


A word of warning! Don't be tempted to add your email address to position 1 in order to earn money fast! It doesn't work like that! If you do that, you will ONLY reach the people you directly send emails to, and then your address will be immediately removed from the Number 1 place and you won't reach thousands of people! But, if you add your name to the Number 5 position, there will be literally tens of thousands of people receiving and sending email's later - when your name is at the Number 1 spot!!!

F. Once you've got your email message ready, send out a minimum of 40 copies of the email - but only to people you know, or to people who respond to MLM offers, or to people who've sent YOU offers. By sending this letter and the payment via EMAIL, the response time is EXTREMELY fast.......... ELECTRONIC TRANSFER INTERNET FAST!!! That's why it takes only a few days for those $10 payments to start flooding into your Stormpay account!'


Or let the pros send your emails for you. This is a great way to get it done right with...
No Hassle, No Flames, No Spam Complaints, No Lost ISP, No Headache!!


Except for step 4 (which will end up being your favorite part), THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT! The whole process should take you about 30 minutes to complete.

STEP 4 - THE LAST STEP! This is everyone's favorite step, because it is the step that makes it foolproof! It's also the step that keeps this program legal and 100%! But.... we are not going to give you this step yet....not until you send your $10 payment to the person at the top of the list above. So go ahead and send your payment, and then you can move on to the final step.

BE PREPARED TO GET EXCITED.... YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!!! Half an hour of easy work is all that's needed - no capital outlay, no postage stamps, no printing, copying or waiting, and the concept is 100% legal.

You have most likely seen or heard about this project on TV programs such as 20/20 and Oprah Winfrey, or you may have read about it in the Wall Street Journal. If not, here it is below - revealed to you in step-by-step detail. This program is by no means new. It has been in existence in many forms for at least a decade. But in the early days, it required a lot more time and effort, as well as an outlay of a few hundred dollars. However, thanks to Stormpay and the Internet, the outlay is now virtually ZERO! And what's more, the entire process is FASTER, EASIER, and MORE LUCRATIVE than it has EVER been!

To date, I have made exactly $592,720. My accountant has drawn up a cash-flow forecast in which he predicts that, within the next 12 months, I will become a millionaire just through this one business alone. Even now as I write this, I find it strange to come to terms with the fact that, like most people, I've worked hard and struggled all my life just to "get by" and then something ridiculously simple drops into my lap and immediately turns my life around completely. When I think back to all the similar emails I had previously deleted, it makes me shudder, because now I know just how close I came to missing out completely.



The business works perfectly every single time. I've never made less than $30,000 from it on each occasion. Let me assure you that this is a LEGITIMATE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY, a perfectly legal moneymaking enterprise. It does not require you to sell anything. It does not require you to speak to your friends, family or anybody else (unless you want to). In fact, you do not need to come into contact with any people whatsoever. Anyone with a pulse can become successful and make their fortune with this system. If you follow the simple step-by-step plan exactly as it is set out below, you will likely receive up to $30,000 in cash via your Stormpay account. I know that this must sound like an outrageous claim, particularly if you've never had possession of this sort of money before, but believe me, this business works like nothing else you may have seen before in your life! By following the simple 3-step plan set out below, within a few short weeks your life will be transformed beyond all recognition! Please do not allow your initial skepticism to deprive you of certain financial success.



If you decide not to take advantage of this life-changing opportunity, I would like you to know that I sincerely respect your decision and I understand that you will have your reasons. I therefore wish you the very best of luck for the future. I am able to say this with absolute sincerity because, as you will see, if you decide to work this plan, I will not receive any financial compensation from you whatsoever. After all, I am sharing this system with you for free. However, remember life is short. Nobody has ever said that you can't have the financial freedom to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. But you must first pay the price. The price here is action; it's as simple as that! I'm very proud to be able to say that I've fulfilled my duty to my wife and children by securing their financial future in a very uncertain world, and I don't believe that any price is too great to pay for such peace of mind.



NEED PROOF? Here are just 3 testimonials from the countless individuals who decided to invest nothing more than $10 and half an hour of their time to participate in this program:



"What an amazing plan! I followed your instructions just 3 weeks ago, and I'm already up to $21,140. I'm VERY excited."

Alan Fernandez , CA



To be honest, I didn't really think anything would come of it. But when I checked my Stormpay account a week later, there was over $7,000 in it! I can't thank you enough!"

Liza M. Raleigh, NC



"I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my Stormpay account. Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $23,490. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!"

Richard Bennett, OH



Just a few months ago, each of these people were doing the same thing as you are at this very moment - reading this! But because they decided to follow the simple instructions given below, they are now considerably better off as a result. And there's no reason whatsoever why you can't share in this success. You've got nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain!



Here's how it works:



When you send out your emails, your email address will initially be at Number 5 in the list. That's the best position it can be in at this stage if you want to make serious money. The response-rate for this program is much higher than any typical email marketing campaign for a number of reasons, which are explained later. As long as you send your emails to people who are likely to be interested in this program, on average, you can expect a response from about 25% of the people you send to. But let's be extremely conservative here and assume that you receive an average response rate of only 12.5%. . .



If you send out your email to 40 different people, you can expect at least 5 of those people to do exactly what you did (12.5% of 40 = 5). By this time, your email address will have moved up to Number 4 in the list, and this list will now have reached around 200 people (5 x 40).



Out of those 200 people, you can expect at least 25 of them to participate (12.5% of 200 = 25), so that's a further 1,000 emails (25 x 40) being sent out and your email address will have risen to Number 3 in the list.



Out of those 1,000 people, you can expect at least 125 of them to participate (12.5% of 1,000 = 125), so that's a further 5,000 emails (125 x 40) being sent out with you now at the Number 2 position.



Out of those 5,000 people, you can expect at least 625 of them to respond (12.5% of 5,000 = 625), so that's 25,000 emails (625 x 40) being sent out with YOUR ADDRESS at the Number 1 spot!



Now, out of those 25,000 people, you can expect around 3,125 of them to respond (12.5% of 25,000 = 3,125). And since you will now be at NUMBER 1 in the list, you will receive: $31,250 (3,125 x $10).



So, when your name starts to hit the Number 1 position within the next few days, it will be YOUR turn to collect the money! As the program runs the course, this money will be sent to you by a lots people just like yourself - who are willing to invest half an hour to receive around $30,000 or more in cash! When following these instructions, the first payments should arrive within a few days, and they can continue at the rate of about 100 payments per day until it completes it's course. After that time, the volume of payments begins to taper off as your email address vacates the Number 1 position.



That's all you need to do! There can be up to $30,000 in $10 payments waiting for you in your Stormpay account within the next few weeks. $30,000 for just 30 minutes work! This is real money that you can spend on anything you wish! Just deposit it to your own bank account or spend it directly from your Stormpay account!!! It's just that easy!!!



Unlike many other MLM programs, this 5-LEVEL PROGRAM costs you only $10. That's right, only $10 ONCE, which is much more realistic and provides much, much faster results. Only the first person on the list gets your $10 gift, but everyone in the list will rise to that Number 1 position as thousands of emails are being sent out. No cheating can occur (don't be fooled by claims that this system can be cheated) as Stormpay only allows one account per person. Because it is so easy, the response rate is VERY HIGH and VERY FAST - Internet email FAST, and you will start seeing dramatic results in less than one week! JUST IN TIME FOR NEXT MONTH'S BILLS!



Remember, you need only mail out 40 spam free copies to start with. This should be enough to generate a substantial lump sum within 30 days. For example, send to personal contacts and reply to people who send their programs to you, as they are already working on the web. They know these programs work and they are already believers in the system! This is NOT considered SPAM if you are responding to other people's offers, or sending to friends, family and contacts, or if you are using a legitimate mailing list.



So, email your letters out today, and then prepare yourself for a huge influx of cash within the next 30 days!!!



You are probably skeptical of this, especially with all the different programs out there on the Web, but if you don't try this you will never know. I felt exactly the same as you probably do right now. I wanted to believe but i just couldn't help thinking that there was some sort of catch. But then I realized that I had absolutely nothing to lose. After all, I was only being asked to invest a measly $10, and yet I could earn many thousands of dollars within a month. And all for just half an hour of my time! Therefore I went ahead and did exactly as the email requested. This took me around 30 minutes in total, and I'm so, so, glad I did that!



But please play by the rules! This program doesn't cost anything but $10 and about half an hour of your time, and if everyone plays fair, everyone WINS!!



So there it is. You now have the knowledge that will enable you to make up to $30,000 within the next few weeks. The only thing that can hold you back now is a lack of faith or a lack of self-belief. However, any doubts you may currently have will disappear within a few days of putting this plan into practice. Trust me on this! You certainly won't regret it.












Make $30,000 in 30 Days!



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Fly Swatter

My mom used to say, "We're all like flies on a wall." She was referring, of course, to our complete vulnerability (as evidenced by the Katrina tragedy). She (my mom) also managed to avoid the big swatter for 88 years despite having heart attacks, cancer, and a terrible car accident at the age of 84. We just never know. So much of my life has been wasted on worrying about what might happen. One of the few good things about getting older is that you have less time to worry about the inevitable...thus the saying, "Live each day to the fullest." It seems like the fullest days for me are crammed with worries. Maybe I should live each day to the emptiest? Is that a zen thing? Just pondering (for a change). Well, this fly on the wall is going to land on some dinner.

More Katrina

I have added my blog to a list for Katrina aid. My recommended charity is The American Red Cross. As soon as I figure out how to set up links, I will add more stuff.

Katrina

I was going to write about my stuff tonight....but I can't. People have lost so much because of Katrina. My heart goes out to them.

Oh no ! Is it that time again??

I guess the term "nervous breakdown" is somewhat out-dated. For me, however it's the only suitable term for what has happened to me five times in my life. I broke down...much like an old car. I could no longer move. I'm used to a certain amount of anxiety and depression. It's been pretty much a way of life with me. That's o.k. Sometimes though, the breaking point is near. The trouble is, the warning signs are not clear. I often feel I'm on the edge, but will wake up the next morning feeling better. I just never know. There are really no particular precautions to take. My future is up for grabs. Today has been an edge day. Pretty scary. I'll see what tomorrow brings. There are lots of stressful things happening, but there are always stressful things in life. I could guess at reasons for the breakdowns, but I'll never know the truth. Sometimes I think it's just a faulty nervous system. Something misfires and VOILA...breakdown number six!! There ought to be a lemon law. I'd be the first one in line to replace the bad parts. I'd even settle for something rebuilt. I guess I'll just keep hanging tough with the other breakdownees. I know you're out there...and I do feel your pain.

A "Not So Beautiful" Mind

I've really been on the old depression/anxiety merry-go-round lately (as if I ever stepped off). I am at the mercy of my crazy mind. My favorite hobby lately is self-torment. I have made it into an art form. If it was an Olympic event, I would have a gold medal. I try say nice things to myself, but I know I'm lying. Every day I tell myself how fortunate I am in so many ways. My big misfortune is being so screwed up. I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am simply assessing my situation. As my very closest friend (now deceased) once said, "Every day is different." Somehow, that makes me feel better. It may be a different kind of torture, but it will change. Strange comfort for a strange mind. Oh well, onward and upward...or maybe sideward. Who knows.

I think, therefore I am....NOT!!!

What the hell?? I mean, who wrote that? Descartes..that's who !! Have you seen his picture? The size of his nose would be enough to prove his existence. Why has that phrase been so popular?
So what if we think and we are. Existing ain't livin'. Some people don't seem to do any thinking at all, yet sadly they seem to exist. The non-thinkers are often heads of large corporations or countries even. So here I am thinking and existing, thinking and existing..big friggin' deal. In my opinion it's a colossal waste of time to ponder one's existence. I don't think we'll ever figure out the meaning of it all, and who cares?? LIVING...that's the thing! Absorb every beautiful thing possible. Give what you're able to give, and savor every good thing that passes your way. I am not yet able to do this of course, but it's a goal...or even a quest. At my ripe old age...this is my philosophy. My emotions fight this philosophy, but my intellect knows it's the only thing that makes sense. So there!! I've said my little piece. The phrase "get a life" seems to have taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

Who am I..no really...Who am I ??

Many years ago a very pompous psychiatrist told me that I had an "as if" personality. He was a pompous, pill-pushing, arrogant son-of-a-bitch....but he was right. He told me that I related to others as if they were my parents, or somehow in charge of me. This is a kind of borderline personality thing. I was always the chameleon...blend in, don't make waves. Thirty-five years later, I'm only a tiny bit better. I have this little speck of a personality that sometimes speaks up, sometimes not. The trouble is, I usually feel "in the wrong" when I speak up for myself. I think I'm not as nice a person as people think I am. Eighty five percent of the time I don't want to do the things I am doing for others. It's true. I just have to keep the balance for my own security. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I am not mean. That is one good thing about me. Also, I love animals. The truth is though, I'd just as soon keep to myself and admire things from afar. I'm not good with any kind of intimacy.....with anyone. I'm currently in the process of trying to retire from my long time job. It's scary, and I will have more time to think, but I think it's necessary. Oh well..just rambling to my blog friends. Thanks for reading !!

Warrior/Loser

O.K. Here's what I want to say tonight. I am actually crying while writing this. My psychiatrist had to write a brief history of my psychological problems for some paperwork I needed. She wrote what I considered to be a very accurate account of my past and present maladies. That having been said..it threw me for a loop. I guess in a way I've considered myself a kind of warrior. I've created a kind of emotional sword over the years to slay the anxiety/depression dragons before they completely devour me. The sword was created with humor and as much rational thought as I can muster. Well, sometimes it's tough to fight, sometimes I get ambushed. I know, I know...the dragons are me. It's all me. Why do I torture myself ? I have some of the answers. Low self esteem is one answer. Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positively. Oh yeah, and I could write down all the good stuff about me etc. Sometimes I do those things. Sometimes they help. I feel better when I do something nice for someone. All these things help some of the time....but.....there is something else. This intangible thing, this core of sadness. Could be chemical...who knows. It's always with me. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am lucky in so many ways, and for that I am thankful. I am just stating facts. I am torn between thinking I pamper myself too much and I don't pamper myself enough. When I read my mental illness biography I did not look like a warrior. I looked like a pathetic loser, and it made me sad. I suppose I could say, "Look what you've come through, and you're still here." Maybe...but right now I can't. I just think I should do better. I don't always know what better is, and if better is possible. I will, however, keep plodding on. By the way, did you know that there is such a word as "suicidality" ? I wouldn't recommend using it on a resume'. Here's to happier times.

Yikes !!

I haven't posted in over a week (as if that's not obvious from the dates on the posts). There's just so much going on. Lots of stress that will hopefully have a good outcome. Time will tell..or maybe time won't tell. Anyway, yesterday I was pondering, as I am prone (or standing) to do. It's yet another silly topic. Actually, it's about body odor. I try to be as clean as possible. I'm a terrible dresser with messy hair, but I am very clean. Why is it, then, that when I smell a bad odor I immediately suspect myself. I was in line at the supermarket and someone had terrible B.O.. It seemed to be emanating from a gentleman in the next line, yet I kept discretely trying to check my own armpits. I have never smelled like that in my entire life. I would have to not shower for three months to smell half as badly as that guy, but I continued to check myself. It was as if I was some kind of B.O. accomplice. I do it every time there's an odor. I've driven past pig farms and felt somewhat at fault for the smell. I guess it's just another low self-esteem thing. Well, no use making a big "stink" about it. (That really did stink)!!

Walk-ins aren't always welcome

I'm really fascinated by supernatural type stuff. You know, the unexplainable. UFO's, ghosts, near death experiences, why "Yes Dear" is still on the air etc. The other day I was watching unsolved mysteries and they were talking about walk-ins. Apparently these are people whose bodies were taken over by another soul. Some of them had near death experiences and came to as someone else. Others were just minding their own business when some kind of coup d'soul occurred. Anyhow these people literally felt like strangers in their own skin. Some of them insisted their families call them by a different name. Divorces ensued. It's a really complicated thing. I suppose it could be explained away as some kind of personality disorder, or just plain insanity. I wouldn't be so hasty. Many people feel better when they have answers to things that make sense to them. Nothing makes sense to me. Not from my point of reference. This whole process of life is such a mystery to me that I am open to anything. To me, that's part of the fun. It's also scary, but that's ok. I would rather be open to possibilities than cling to answers that are designed to make me secure and comfortable. If a walk-in does move into my body, I hope they buy it some nicer clothes.

Toilet Dog

Along with the scary memories of my childhood, I have some very fond memories of my adult years with my mom. My mom was a giver. If she loved you, she would do anything for you. She had a great deal of trouble relating to people in a relaxed fashion. I realized that she had some serious self esteem issues. Any emotional damage I may have suffered at her hands was not done intentionally. She was only trying to survive as best she could..like all of us. Anyhow, one of her most wonderful qualities was the giving. She was a terrific baker, and would fatten us all up with delicious cheese cakes and other goodies. She would also fall for every new gimmick that was advertised, many of which were junk that never worked. I remember her buying these travel toothbrushes for everyone. They were these plastic tubes with a toothbrush on the end. You could never squeeze any paste into the tube so they were essentially useless. We all had to tell her that we loved them. This was required with all of her gifts. If you said something didn't work she would take it personally and feel that it was somehow your fault. The path of least resistance was to say it was the best gift you had ever seen. The downside is that she would keep buying more of the same things. Of course, looking back, I wish I had kept every useless gift she ever gave me. At some point she became obsessed with wristwatches. They usually fell apart within the first month (obviously because we were wearing them wrong). I still have a few non-working watches sitting around my house. I also have talking salt and pepper shakers that she had given me. The pepper shaker will often sneeze as you walk by the cabinet. My mom loved animals, so she liked to buy presents for our pets. She had given me two of these toilet dogs for my dog, Sophie. Sophie chewed the ears off of the other toilet dog, but this one remains intact. I smile every time I look at it. I love the connection. I would do anything to have her here to hand me another non-working gift. They worked for me!!

DONE!!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I just don't know who I am, what I want, what I don't want etc. What should I expect from my partner? What should I expect from others? I'm usually willing to do favors for others. I don't mind. There are certain things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Babysitting is one of them. I will do this in certain circumstances, but generally I find it torturous. You see, I don't have a very strong sense of self, and what I do have is lost very easily. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have this problem. I have some borderline traits, and some OCD traits. I can't comfortably discuss the specifics, but it's kind of like an ongoing fear thing. Anyway, I'll usually refuse to babysit, and then feel tremendous guilt over refusing. Part of my problem is that I come off as being more together than I actually am. I'm very shaky emotionally, and I don't want to push the envelope. I've fallen apart 3 or 4 times in my life. I don't know if I could make it through another breakdown. I'm not trying to wallow in self-pity or anything, I just want to stay afloat. It's hard to get others to understand, actually it's downright impossible. So here I am, beating myself once again. Here's what I want to say- I will do whatever I can for those I love, just please understand my shortcomings, and don't expect more than I can offer. Please!!!

Oh So Popular

I was a geeky teenager. I was a chubby kid with acne who played the violin. I really needed my sense of humor. It helped me through the awkward years..which come to think of it, never ended. My looks fortunately improved to average, which is all I need. My wit and my eagerness to please everyone at any cost gained me many friends. The wit I want to keep. I'd like to lose the pleasing everyone thing. It is an unbelievably exhausting job. I must retire from this job, as I don't like the hours (approximately 17 per day, I sleep the other 7). I'd like to dissolve this corporation of one..The Please Everyone Company. I am going out of business. Not one penny to show for all those years of hard work. Instead, I am in deep emotional debt to myself. I'll have to go to the Bank of "Learning to Say No" and get a loan. It's not everyone else...it's me. My company was built on fear and guilt. No more. I'm just too tired. I will just do what I can, and only what I can. Hopefully, those I love will stay around, if only to hear the next joke.