Better Living Through Chemistry

I know my blog is basically a neon sign that repeatedly blinks the word "ISSUES" in bright yellow letters. Surprisingly, here is yet another personal dilemma that I'm sure everyone is waiting to hear. O.K...here it goes. My psychiatrist, or Pdoc (as they say on some mental health forums) has suggested that I take a supplemental medication when I am more depressed or anxious. I already take paxil. She gave me some samples of gabitril, which I haven't tried and also suggested Topomax, which is used for seizure disorders. In the great collapse of 2002 I took seroquel in addition to Paxil. Seroquel did the trick. I was on a very low dose, but it knocked me out at night. I needed that at the time because I was non-functional. The only thing is, it was kind of like a lobotomy in a bottle. I guess there is always a trade-off. I haven't collapsed again, but I am really stressed. A few posts ago I mentioned the wonderful feeling of having a glass or two of red wine. Well, I've been doing this a little more often. Not every night, but 3-5 times a week. It hasn't made things worse, and gives me a great couple of hours. My doctor thinks this is a bad idea, because it creates some kind of pattern and can be detrimental. I'm really torn. I like and respect my doctor very much. She is very bright and up on things. She is also different from many psychiatrists who are basically walking prescription pads. However, I'm 55 and have been through 45 years of my own particular madness. I want things to be as much fun as possible in between the inevitable tortures that life hands us. It's truly a paradox within an enigma. Oh well, maybe the right decision is to hold off on deciding...whatever that means.

I Suck !!

When I say this, I try to say it in a lighthearted fashion. At my ripe old age I try to like myself as much as possible, but certain things just don't pan out (if you know what I mean). I constantly fight my own emotional demons. About 25 years ago I happened upon a wonderful therapist, who I still see to this day. She was wonderful for many reasons, number one..she cared, number two, she took the time to listen and understand. I had seen so many shrinks at that point, some were just plain assholes, others just wanted to medicate me. Granted, I have discovered that I do need the meds, but what I needed most was insight. That, and the tools to cope with my disorder. That disorder would be BPD..borderline personality disorder. I'm not big on labels, but I guess sometimes a group of people share certain characteristics. I have many of the BPD traits, but more importantly, I knew why I felt so badly. Knowledge is indeed power. It makes things just a little less scary. I have managed to change many behaviors over the years. Unfortunately, some behaviors, and many of the feelings remain. I still do not have a clear separation of myself from others. They call it fluid boundaries. I kind of live my life as if I'm performing for some vast unknown audience. When I try to feel differently, there is this emptiness that descends upon me. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this. It can be quite exhausting. What is the toughest are my interactions with kids. I never feel like the adult. Kids usually like me because I am like a really old kid. I will play with them for hours, even if I don't want to. I can never say no. For this reason, I avoid being with them. It's easiest for me when other adults are around to run the show. Infants are much easier for me, because their emotional needs are simple. I so want to feel differently, but it hasn't changed. Kids are a precious commodity and I want to be able to enjoy them without torturing myself. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep trying.

What's Love Got To Do With It ??

Are there really so many different kinds of love, or is it all the same (minus, of course, the sex-thing in most cases)? I don't know. What I do know is that it is so essential to have the capacity to both give and receive love. It's also not that easy. I think so many of us have been hurt in the past. Whether it has been romantic love, parental love, friendships, whatever..it's an awful feeling to love in vain. As I get older, I see how important it is to cultivate relationships of all kinds. Truthfully, I am most comfortable with animals. There is an unconditional love on both sides. It's all very simple. With people, you get into all kinds of issues. It's hard to love unconditionally, but sometimes it's required. Some people need this because they have never had it in their lives. Sometimes you suffer emotional abuse from those you love unconditionally because they will test you. It's all so complicated. There is that cliche' about not being able to love anyone unless you love yourself. Well, I'm not so sure about that, because there are people that I really love even though I'm not totally fond of myself. I guess it's all up for debate. Anyhow, just another thing to ponder on a dreary Sunday morning.

Life in a Tornado

I haven't checked through my past blogs lately, but knowing myself to the extent that I do, I'm sure I've mentioned my "nervous breakdowns". "Why the quotes?", you might ask. Then again, you might not ask. Well, I would answer (please try to tolerate me, as I've worked two 16 hour days in a row). I place the term nervous breakdown in quotes because there is really no such clinical term. However, it seems to describe what has happened to me 3 or 4 times in my life. When something breaks down, it ceases to function. Sometimes there are warning signs, sometimes not. Same with me. I've watched some of the storm chaser videos on the Weather Channel. You see these tornado close-ups with all kinds of debris swirling around and streaks of lightening inside. They're really kind of horrifying. My breakdowns have felt like emotional tornados, you just swirl around in this thunderous cloud until it dissipates. There is no telling when it will stop, even with medication. You just have to hold on. You hold on because in the past, the storm did end, and you hope this one will do the same. It has for me every time. I try not to waste time dreading its return, but sometimes the emotional winds kick up, and I get scared. That is partly why I write. If anyone reading this is dealing with their own tornado, just know that the storm will end, and there are others who care and understand.

Smoking..or not

OK, I admit it, I live in New Jersey. There is currently a debate over whether or not to ban smoking in public places. This would include the Atlantic City casinos. I personally am for the bill.The casinos are worried about losing business because gambling and smoking go hand in hand. I love to gamble, but do not smoke. I also believe everyone has the right to their own vices. However, smoking is the only vice I know that affects the health of others. Smokers may argue that non-smokers should stay away from smoking areas. In my opinion, that would be unfair. If people want to release toxins into the air, they should do it alone, or with other toxin releasing people. They do have a right to smoke, but should not have a right to harm other peoples' lungs. Non-smokers shouldn't have to stay away from places they enjoy to avoid second-hand smoke. I probably opened up a can of worms here, but this is just my opinion.

Dysphoria

Dysphoria sucks. What is it?? Well..I've read many different meanings of the word, none of them pleasant. In my case, it's a mixture of despair, anger, anxiety, depression..on and on. I called out sick today, maybe that wasn't my best choice. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in the northeast. Not typical of March weather. I'd just as soon stay in and sleep though. These moods just kind of happen. I could always guess at a reason, but it really doesn't matter. There is always stress in life. Mine is no worse than anyone else's. This is just how my mind and body react. I have to cope with it. I know all the words of encouragement that could be offered. They are nice, but not always effective. I have supplemental meds, but they are not yet necessary. I will try to look for something humorous. Sometimes it helps. Writing this little blurb helps. I wish all my fellow bloggers the opposite of dysphoria, I guess that would be happiness.

Mimes and Stilt-People

I was out and about yesterday and ended up in a somewhat "festive" atmosphere. As so often happens in festive atmospheres there were mimes and stilt-people around. I'm sorry, but mimes are just plain annoying. Stilt-people aren't as bad, but are still irritating. I guess as long as kids are entertained the adults must suffer through it all. I personally am not impressed when a person with heavy make-up is trying to get out of an imaginary box in an imaginary room. I also don't like their exaggerated sadness and crying. There's enough real sadness around for all of us. Maybe I'm just an old bitch, but they really irk me!! Some people have "mime-type" personalities. You just know right away that it's better to stay away from them. They seem to have this needy aura about them, even before they utter a word. As my dearest, departed friend Murphy would have said: "They suck the life right out of you." I used to tolerate, and sometimes befriend this type of person because I couldn't bear to hurt anyone's feelings, but no more!! Mimes and mime-types will be not be included in my circle of friends and acquaintances if I can help it. They should all live on an island where they can annoy the hell out of each other. That having been said, it's time for my 3:00 meds.

Mom

It's been four years since my mom passed away. My dad passed away in 1986. I, like so many of my fellow baby boomers, am an orphan. My mom was the product of a strong, overbearing, mother and a passive father. She was born in Russia, and came to this country in the early 1900's. The family crossed Siberia in covered wagons (two brothers died along the way). They finally ended up at Ellis Island. They were a tough group. In those days they knew nothing of parenting techniques or fostering self-esteem. Women were subservient to men etc., etc.. My mom had some problems. She wanted the best for her kids, but was quite insecure and needy. Sometimes it was pure hell. I was very bitter and resentful during my teenage years, and had loads of problems (still do). You know what ?? It was a good thing. I finally grew up and stopped blaming. I got to know my mother as a fellow adult. We formed a wonderful bond and became friends. She still did her neurotic, needy stuff, and I did mine, but it was ok. Even with my depressions, hospital stays, panic attacks, and other psychological disorders (probably not yet named), I have been fortunate. I can see beyond the surface. Most times, I can look through someone's emotional garbage and find treasures. With my mom, I found gold. I miss you mom!!

Bad Hair and Evangelism

It may seem from my previous posts that I am slightly obsessed with TV personalities and bad hair styles. This could be true. However, I can't help but notice the hair on some of these TV evangelists..male and female. The one I'm watching right now has this bushy hair-sprayed do. I focus on the hair because I don't care about what he is saying or doing. This, to me, is just another infuriating scam to take money from people. This guy is doing the usual healing through the TV screen stuff. I do not follow any type of organized (or disorganized) religion. I have my own feelings and opinions about the scheme of things. I would NEVER, and I repeat NEVER be so presumptuous as to say I had any answers. I would be totally shocked if any supreme being, entity, or whatever would want one of these fools to represent them. That would just be a terrible cosmic joke on all of us. I changed the channel to The Simpsons, they are much more spiritual....and Marge has better hair!!

I Aim To Disappoint

You can't do everything for everyone. How blatantly obvious is that??!! I know this. You know this. So who needs to hear it again? I guess that would be me. I keep trying...and failing. It's so absolutely self-serving. I end up not wanting to do anything for anyone. A vicious cycle it is !! It's hell not having boundaries. Does anyone else relate to this? I'm sure there are many others. Maybe we should all get our own island and do whatever the hell we want. We would probably spend our time making sure everyone else was ok and would all be miserable. Oh well..ya just gotta laugh. Ha, ha, ha,....yuk!!

Enough Already !!

I never feel confident. No matter what decision I make. I just wish my intellect and emotions would get on the same page, it would be so much easier. Certain feelings from childhood remain with me. I love my family. Every one of them. There are extremes in the family, all different coping mechanisms. That's how I see it. We're all trying to survive. Some of our coping mechanisms have caused pain for close family members. There is some estrangement...this hurts deeply. I feel for both sides..and for myself, the middle person. There is a financial matter tearing at all of us now. I'm sure a totally objective party could make the right decisions. This is just so hard. I'm not seeing much humor in things today. That's a bad sign. I'll try to claw my way back tomorrow.

After The Big Plunge

What a day!! The Polar Bear Plunge was terrific. The air temperature was somewhere around freezing and the ocean was around 40 degrees. The coldest times were before and after the plunge. There were about 400 actual "plungers" and hundreds more spectators. A local bar held a contest for the best costume. I just wore a bathing suit (under a sweatshirt and jeans). The ocean was invigorating to say the least. It wasn't the same cold water shock you get in the summer because the water was warmer than the air. However, you freeze your butt off after you come out. It was great fun though. We all need to "let loose" sometimes, and this was my opportunity. I think I'll do it every year. Now I have something to mark on a calendar besides a doctor's appointment.

Ice Water

Tomorrow I'm going to jump into the ocean. They have this yearly thing here in the northeast called the polar bear plunge. Basically, you pay twenty-five dollars (goes to charity), get a free t-shirt, and run into the freezing ocean with a bunch of other maniacs. I've always wanted to do it, and this is my year. Why?? Who knows. It's a lot easier for me to jump into a freezing ocean than to deal with most social situations. That's just the way it is. There is a big party afterwards at a local bar. I think many of the participants hit the bar before the plunge. I will be sober so I will respond better to the CPR. (hopefully, I'm kidding). Oh well, anything for excitement. I'll give a full report tomorrow.

Doggie Gourmet Blues

I went to the mall yesterday looking for a new knapsack. It's hard to find just the right kind. Anyhow, this mall used to be the only one in the area. About 10 years ago they built a super mall 3 miles down the road. The original mall has managed to survive despite being smaller and attracting a more "blue collar" crowd so to speak. It has most of the usual mall kiosks like custom tee-shirts, gold by the inch, etc. One kiosk that caught my eye was this homemade doggie baked goods place. There was this woman sitting at a table with all these little bags of fancy dog treats. I'm sure these treats would be all the rage in Beverly Hills, or some other upscale place, but it seemed like a really bad idea to sell them at this mall. I sat on a bench eating my garlic pretzel and watching her table for about half an hour. One woman approached the table, but only wanted to chat. There were no customers. I almost felt compelled to go buy a small five dollar bag just to give her some business. As much as I love my dog, I could not bring myself to do this. My dog would not know or care about where the treat came from. She would probably prefer something from a garbage can. Why am I even writing about this ? (I ask myself). I think the doggie gourmet woman represented yet another well-intentioned exercise in futility. Maybe it's a metaphor for life. I guess sometimes the value is in the exercise, not the result.

Secretary of Defense Mechanisms

As I have mentioned in my previous posts (ad nauseum), my best (and probably only), coping mechanism is humor. I look for it everywhere. One of my many shallow hobbies is laughing at famous peoples' hairstyles, clothing, etc. I feel that once they are in the public eye they are fair game. This is only done for my own amusement. I would not publicly humiliate anyone other than myself. There might be a prominent newsperson discussing something deadly serious, and my focus will go directly to the bad hairstyle or ugly tie. I will comment to whoever is around about how ridiculous the person looks despite the fact that they may be discussing the proximity of the asteroid colliding with earth. I do not discuss politics in this blog. However, I do have to comment on Condoleezza Rice's hair style. In my opinion, she really needs a change. That old "flip" thing from the '60s just doesn't cut it. Feel free to give me your feed back on this. I personally feel she should have a shorter "do." It would be much more flattering. Anyway, I think there is a definite need for humor practitioners. You could go for your doctorate in Humorcology. Humor could be a supplement to your prescribed meds. Take 37.5 mg of Paxil CR at 4:00 PM. Watch the movie Airplane from 5:00 - 6:30. If you don't like slapstick, watch something a little more cerebral like Being There with Peter Sellers. Anything funny will do. You can't OD. Monty Python, Woody Allen, the list goes on and on. If you hear some bad news, do what you can. Then go immediately to your humor reserve. A word of advice.. Try to have a somewhat serious facade at times or they will increase your meds.

Paxil, Red Wine and Video Poker

In my previous posts, I mentioned my panic disorder. In my other posts, it was probably obvious that I have many disorders. For approximately 34 of the past 40 years I have been taking medication for my disorders. There was the 13 years of valium..ending in disaster. There were six years of plain old soul searching find answers. I found answers, tried various relaxation techniques, tried plain old "intestinal fortitude", and ultimately failed. The truth is (for me anyway), anxiety disorder is hellish. At different times I have taken elavil, norpramine, zoloft, prozac and serzone. Serzone has since been taken off the market for causing liver failure. My liver was fine, but Serzone contributed somewhat to what I now refer to as " The Breakdown of 2002." I have finally settled on Paxil as my legal drug of choice. So far, Paxil has kept the breakdowns at bay. I can function (never anxiety-free, but that's ok), and can occasionally have fun. What I have discovered is that a combination of Paxil and a glass or two of red wine give me an almost euphoric feeling. I am certainly not recommending this to anyone, but I really do enjoy that ride. Now, combine those chemicals and place me at a video poker machine. If I win, all the better. So I ask you..how shallow is that? It's all ok though. I'm tired of looking for deeper meanings. I'm also tired of listening to opinions, suggestions etc. I just want to travel my own road.

Greetings from Panic City

What a day today. Had kind of a panic attack this afternoon. People don't generally understand these things unless they've had them. How do you explain them? It's like you are drowning in an invisible ocean. You are screaming inside, but no one can hear. Even if they could, they could not help. You must wait for the wave to subside. I've had them since the age of ten. In those days they didn't have a clue. They used to use psychiatrists as threats for kids that misbehaved. Now they say most things are chemical imbalances. Who really knows....not me !! I just muddle through from day to day and laugh when I can. Hopefully, the next laugh is right around the corner.

Just Plain Weary

Some days I'm more than tired. I'm weary. I think tired is when you just need to sleep, weary is when you need a break. Things just wear you down. Day to day interactions, petty little arguments, financial worries....the whole deal. You just want everything to be easier. Today was rough. I'm not sure why. I had the same routine, minor annoyances etc. Nothing earth shattering. Time to re-charge. Tomorrow will be different. Not necessarily better, but different. Somehow, that makes me feel better.

Dream On..Oh Weird One!

Yet another bizarre dream last night. Lots of my bizarre dreams involve questions about the "afterlife", if indeed there is an afterlife. Well, who better to ask than those who are deceased? Of course, at my age, the list of deceased significant others is fairly long. Well, last night it was a former co-worker who as far as I know is still alive. However, for dream purposes, she had passed away. Apparently, she had temporarily come back to the living because there was a guy she wanted to meet. This would be characteristic of this person. I, of course, knowing that she was dead (which never surprises me in my dreams), had to ask her about my fate. I wanted to know if I was going to die soon, or if I still had time for at least a couple more glasses of red wine. She informed me that I had many years left, but those years were going to be miserable. She was indicating that the source of my misery would be severe psychological problems. If you've read my previous posts, the problems are obvious. I have learned to deal with them, and actually have some fun. The thought of more misery was just unbearable. I asked my deceased friend if I could appeal to a "higher authority" to see if I could have it a little easier. She then told me to look up at the sky. The clouds seemed to part and there was this golden glow. I assumed that this was God, or someone in the inner circle. I pleaded my case (telepathically). The answer to my prayer was a resounding NO. It was like David Spade in the Capital One commercial. Too bad, I can't help you. Anyhow, I'm glad to be awake. I will not take this dream as a premonition of things to come. I will continue my quest for answers in future dreams and will accept only the best scenarios. If anyone has any afterlife questions, let me know...I'll pencil you in.

Sophie relaxing with a milkbone.