Mortality

I've always been waiting for my own demise. I remember as far back as I could count measuring how many years I had left. I would use my mother's side of the family to predict my longevity. Most of them lived to be at least ninety. The outlook might have been grim had I used my father's side. I always took comfort in the fact that I had many years to go. It's great to be naive !! Well, I have had quite a few years, and despite the emotional problems I'm hoping for as many more quality years as I can have. When I say quality, I mean feeling physically and mentally well enough to still be able to laugh. Certain things inevitably come with age. I accept these things. Quite naturally, I fear the serious illnesses, but try not to dwell on those fears. Lately I've had a couple of minor things happen. First, (as pictured on a previous blog), viral conjunctivitis. No biggie. It was very uncomfortable, but ran its course. The latest is this skin infection (in the groin area...Yuck). There is swelling , redness, blisters, and there was a fever. It was scary enough to get me to the ER on Sunday. They said it was a staph infection (although my white cell count was normal), and put me on antibiotics. It's not that much better, but the fever is gone. Anyway, my mind started going to the fear place lately. You know...what if this is a sign of serious illness? What if it never heals?..on and on. I want to stop being afraid. Something will get me. Whether it's now, or 30 years from now. I am not religious in the conventional sense. I believe there is something after death. I have heard all the arguments. I have to come to my own conclusion. Anyway, in the mean time I want to learn to roll with the punches, because the punches will be a lot harder and more frequent as I age. This is why I'm making this entry. It's a self-help kind of thing. If you've been patient enough to read this, thanks. I wish you all the strength that I've been seeking!!

The Panic Attack-(a one-act play)

Cast of two characters: Intellect(played by me)
Emotions (played by me)

The scene: Bedroom, 12:00 AM, Tuesday morning. Characters both asleep, awake suddenly in a state of extreme terror for no obvious reason.

INTELLECT: OH NO, It's happening again!! Why??

EMOTIONS: Screaming silently..HELLLPPP !!

INTELLECT: I'm losing my mind, I can't go on, I'll end up in a mental hospital.

EMOTIONS: I'M DYING!!!!

INTELLECT:My heart's beating so fast, I'm going to have a heart attack, my body can't take this.

EMOTIONS: HELP, I'M LOST, I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

INTELLECT:You're a grown woman, get it together, don't let this happen.

EMOTIONS: IT'S HAPPENING AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT. THIS IS THE END OF YOUR SANITY!

INTELLECT: Find some alcohol and drink it, anything to stop the fear. No, just take deep breaths, try to relax.

EMOTIONS: Feeling like scared infant, still screaming silently.

INTELLECT: Looks over at gaudy ceramic poodle on nightstand (belonged to mom).
Poodle suddenly looks frightening, like ceramic poodle from hell. Heart races again.


EMOTIONS: OH NO, I'M HALLUCINATING, I'M INSANE. HELLPPP!!

INTELLECT: My pulse seems to be slowing down. Maybe it's subsiding.

EMOTIONS: NO IT'S NOT, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP!!

INTELLECT: Yes, it's definitely subsiding.

EMOTIONS: BUT IT WILL COME RIGHT BACK, AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!

INTELLECT: I better call my doctor tomorrow and discuss medications. I'm scared.

EMOTIONS: TOMORROW WILL BE HORRIBLE, YOU'VE FALLEN APART!!

INTELLECT: I'm exhausted.

EMOTIONS: I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

Both characters fall asleep....again.

THE END.

Viral Conjunctivitis

Pretty!! 

Here's my latest ailment. Yes, that's my left eye. I tried like hell to avoid catching a cold at work because I had scheduled a Florida trip on Memorial Day. I was going to visit my niece, her husband, and their two babies (one brand new). Well, I contracted this yucky conjunctivitis (first time ever). This is the viral kind which lasts one or two weeks. I couldn't have gotten the bacterial which responds to antibiotics in two or three days. Nope, not me, I go for the big guns. The added bonus to all this is I get to look so much more attractive than usual. Who could resist this eye? Oh well, it could be a lot worse. The thing is, it makes you feel kind of "unclean". I really do have excellent hygiene. It's the least I can do to make the world a little cleaner. I guess there's no avoiding certain things. The good news is, it's not transmitted through blogging, so feel free to read. Although, I can't promise that you won't be bored!!

Fringe Dweller

I feel that I live on the edge. The edge of madness? I don't know. Maybe that's a bit too dramatic. The edge of emotional collapse might be more accurate. It's not all that horrible. There are good and bad times. As long as the tide keeps turning, it's bearable. Lately, I've been missing the old valium and alcohol days. I used to use this mixture of the two in order to function. Of course, over the years, I developed a huge tolerance (especially for the valium). I'd need a varying amount of both substances to get through the days. I would not recommend this to ANYONE !!! I can attest to the fact that this lovely combo stops working , and then comes the withdrawal, which is pure hell. However, when it did work, it was wonderful. It was like "THE ANXIETY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" I could work, socialize, laugh...all that good stuff; but again, the price I paid was torturous. Anyway, now I have paxil. It helps, but doesn't blot out the pain. Paxil and wine come close, which is why I have to be careful. I can't let it become a habit. Substances can be very enticing to those of us that suffer from anxiety and/or depression. However, speaking for myself (as I can't for anyone else), I have to let in some of the pain. If I don't, I will not feel as alive, and the good things won't have as much meaning.

Sunday Blues

Yesterday was a truly good day. I worked in the yard, ate good food, and had the next day off. Today I lounged around and started thinking about work at around 2:00 PM. This happens every Sunday. Yeah, I know, count my blessings etc. Work is not such a bad thing, all the cliches. Yet, every Sunday it's the same thing..work tomorrow. From 2:00 PM on it's the anticipatory mode. What will it be like tomorrow? I don't want to go into detail about my job, but suffice it to say (I hope I worded that correctly), it's frustrating. I work in a facility for the disabled. Mentally disabled. I could write volumes about this topic, but I won't. I will only say that people keep trying to come up with nice, neat solutions for problems of unfathomable depths. Very draining, and sad. In my opinion, many problems cannot be solved, but you can only try to ease some of the suffering.
Oh well, back on the merry-go-round tomorrow!

Betrayal

What is betrayal ? I mean, I know the definition, but when is something really betrayal ? Like so many things, it's not at all clear cut. Someone may feel betrayed, but it might not be the case. I guess true betrayal is when a person intends to betray another person, and then succeeds. Anyway, I think we can all agree that it's a bad thing. I feel betrayed when a person I consider a friend does something intentionally hurtful to me. The word "intentionally" is key. Of course, sometimes the people are not aware of their intent, but they should be. Otherwise, they continue to do the same hurtful things. Friendship is so important. You should love, cherish, and protect your friends, much like a marriage. If one person continually fails to honor the friendship, I guess it's time for a separation. A very sad thing. What else do we have, if not each other?

Take two tabloids, and call me in the morning

Here's an article from the Weekly World News archives:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL

Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe: 1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl. 2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space. 3. Evasive about identity and origins -- Few gals in "the life" are forthcoming about their full names. But a scarlet woman who refuses even to divulge where she comes from -- vaguely describing her birthplace as "the Midwest" or "overseas" -- could be an ET. 4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R,' " Manling reveals. 5. Unusually petite -- The average alien hooker stands roughly 5 feet tall, but may attempt to disguise her size with ridiculously high heels. 6. Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs. 7. Missing time -- If you paid for an hour with a hooker, but your watch indicates four hours have gone by, this suggests part of your memory of the encounter has been erased. 8. Seems telepathic -- A fallen woman who finishes your sentences or slips up and mentions your real name when you've given her a bogus one, is probably invading your thoughts -- and our planet. 9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor. 10. Squeamish about spanking -- Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.

This article was from September, 2004. Now, this particular tabloid presents these articles in a very serious manner. Do you think there is one non-delusional person on the face of the earth that would believe these things? Every once in a while I have to buy this paper just to laugh at the articles. Although, maybe there is a connection between legal prostitution in Nevada and Area 51. I'll keep checking for humorous articles and will copy them to my blog for those who need a good laugh.

But My Point Is.........

Try going from being a passive person who basically takes orders to somebody trying to assert themselves. It ain't easy !! Does anyone remember that crazy Woody Allen movie Zelig? It was a pretend documentary about this guy named Leonard Zelig who had no distinctive personality. He always took on the personality of whoever he was with at the time. To make a long story short, his psychiatrist (Mia Farrow) was able to cure him. Of course for awhile he became overly opinionated and would argue about things as trivial as the weather. For instance, he got into a fist fight with someone who said it was a nice day when he thought otherwise. I am a former Zelig. I voice my opinions now, even if they are contrary to others' opinions. Yet, I am still not quite heard. This is because other people have been conditioned to believe I will always obey. When I am assertive, they see me as a disobedient child and become upset with my behavior. I will usually back down at that point because I am filled with so much guilt. That's how I operate. It's a no-win situation for me. I also get accused of not caring if I don't always put my own needs aside for certain significant others. That also sucks. There has to be some kind of balance. I need the balance. I am getting drained and tired.

Worthwhile Reading

I have to admit it, I frequently read the Star and the Enquirer. I can't help it. There is always a certain amount of shame involved when I buy them. I usually place them upside down on the checkout counter (pretending to make the barcodes more accessible to the cashier). It's just so relaxing to read the latest scoop (true or not) about all the celebrities. There are no big words to decipher and there are lots of pictures too! Sometimes, when I'm really desperate for a laugh, I'll buy something even trashier, like The Sun, or The U.S. News. One of the latest headlines was "ALIEN BIBLE FOUND". Guess who these aliens worshipped??? OPRAH. Well..why shouldn't they? One of my favorite stories was the baby born with the Elvis tatoo. I also liked the one about the dog-faced girl with the 200 I.Q. . I guess she had to sacrifice something to be that intelligent. I wonder if there's even one person in the world who would even believe those stories? Even so, I think there will always be a need for these papers. Just read about all the really terrible stuff going on in the world, and then grab a copy of the Sun to see what those wacky aliens are doing.

Self Perceptions and Such

People generally tell me that I am too hard on myself. Maybe so, but I feel I must be vigilant in order to keep myself in line. I'm basically a lazy, self-serving, hedonist. I'm also quite immature. These are the facts. I want to be a good, unselfish, person. I do my best to empathize with others and be helpful. Sometimes I fall short, so I try to do better. I do not delude myself by thinking that I am "just swell" the way I am. Hopefully, I will keep trying to improve until the day I die. What really amazes me is that some people seem to be clueless as to who they are and their motivations. There are some that brag about their honesty, intelligence, generosity, on and on...ad nauseum. These are usually the self-deceivers. The people that don't know their own agendas. I see them all the time. They go from day to day playing their little game of life. Their game is the denial game. They deny their mistakes, their lies, sarcasm, anger, all negativity. Their deceptions may be crystal clear to those around them, but they do not notice. How unfortunate...for them, and those around them. I'd rather feel the pain of introspection then go through life blindly hurting others.

Just Keep Laughin'

What can I say? I must blog. My mind has been blank for a very long time. Maybe all my life. Who can say? But yet, I must blog. I don't want this to be another endeavor left behind. I enjoy this. It's me. Just an endless stream of ramblings, ponderings, nonsensical thoughts, feelings, on and on. I can't help but try to be entertaining. I guess everyone wants to be acknowledged. Oh well, maybe I can come up with some kind of daily laugh. How about "Today's Absurdity". There is always something ridiculous to write about. Another topic that never ends might be "The Pope Today". I could give a daily report on the antics of the new Pope. For instance..."the pope had pancakes for breakfast today, or ..the Pope needs a new hat. I mean, the media coverage just isn't enough, really ! Whatever..I will continue to write, much to the dismay of some, and hopefully the enjoyment of at least one person besides myself.

A Different Sort of "Ho"

You know what? I grew up in the "free love" era. Sex,drugs, rock'n roll, and all that stuff. Luckily, there was no aids epidemic. I was a confused sort at the time. I still am, but not about my sexuality. As Woody Allen once said, "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best !" I found that to be true, but the encounters were brief, and the emptiness remained. It was much easier to have sex, than to have a meaningful conversation. In an ideal relationship, you have it all. In many relationships, the sex is gone. That's not good, but it's worse to lose the connection. That intangible thing that drew you to this person. Part of the whole love thing is that you feel as important to your partner as they are to you. That brings me to my latest idea. Love-ho's. People who, for a small fee, would provide you with a short term, empathetic, relationship. There would be no sex involved, just a short interval where another person would just listen and care. I don't mean a therapy type thing where it is assumed that you are trying to change. I mean someone who will accept you for who you are, and like you anyway. I believe there is a need for this type of service. O.k., so it's not plausible, but a good idea just the same. As always, feedback is welcome (so is empathy).

Surgery Update

My Sophie had surgery the other day for her previously mentioned mass. The vet said the surgery went "excellently" in that she was able to remove the entire mass. She also said that even if the results come back malignant that she would consider the surgery curative. I'd like to think so because Sophie is 11, and I don't want to put her through chemo or radiation. I'll just hope for the best.

My Sophie Dog

I love my dog. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about her being attacked by the neighbor's dogs, and her recovery from the puncture wounds. Well, the other day I noticed this strange lump in the area of her healed wounds. I thought it might have been some kind of infection, so I took her to the vet. The vet said that it was some kind of "mass". That's a word none of us wants to hear, especially about a loved one. She mentioned mast cell tumors, which I, of course, looked up on the internet. Anyway, Sophie has surgery scheduled for this Thursday. They will do a biopsy to see if it's malignant. If it is, they will grade it and decide upon a course of treatment. A familiar procedure I have gone through with both my mom and my partner. Sophie is 11 years old. She is a senior dog. My other animals have lived to ripe old ages (2 dogs lived to be 18 and my cat was 22). I'm hoping the same for Sophie, but I don't want to put her through hell. I'm trying that zen thing of living in the moment, only the moment doesn't seem so pleasant right now. I'll try to hope for the best.

Better Living Through Chemistry

I know my blog is basically a neon sign that repeatedly blinks the word "ISSUES" in bright yellow letters. Surprisingly, here is yet another personal dilemma that I'm sure everyone is waiting to hear. O.K...here it goes. My psychiatrist, or Pdoc (as they say on some mental health forums) has suggested that I take a supplemental medication when I am more depressed or anxious. I already take paxil. She gave me some samples of gabitril, which I haven't tried and also suggested Topomax, which is used for seizure disorders. In the great collapse of 2002 I took seroquel in addition to Paxil. Seroquel did the trick. I was on a very low dose, but it knocked me out at night. I needed that at the time because I was non-functional. The only thing is, it was kind of like a lobotomy in a bottle. I guess there is always a trade-off. I haven't collapsed again, but I am really stressed. A few posts ago I mentioned the wonderful feeling of having a glass or two of red wine. Well, I've been doing this a little more often. Not every night, but 3-5 times a week. It hasn't made things worse, and gives me a great couple of hours. My doctor thinks this is a bad idea, because it creates some kind of pattern and can be detrimental. I'm really torn. I like and respect my doctor very much. She is very bright and up on things. She is also different from many psychiatrists who are basically walking prescription pads. However, I'm 55 and have been through 45 years of my own particular madness. I want things to be as much fun as possible in between the inevitable tortures that life hands us. It's truly a paradox within an enigma. Oh well, maybe the right decision is to hold off on deciding...whatever that means.

I Suck !!

When I say this, I try to say it in a lighthearted fashion. At my ripe old age I try to like myself as much as possible, but certain things just don't pan out (if you know what I mean). I constantly fight my own emotional demons. About 25 years ago I happened upon a wonderful therapist, who I still see to this day. She was wonderful for many reasons, number one..she cared, number two, she took the time to listen and understand. I had seen so many shrinks at that point, some were just plain assholes, others just wanted to medicate me. Granted, I have discovered that I do need the meds, but what I needed most was insight. That, and the tools to cope with my disorder. That disorder would be BPD..borderline personality disorder. I'm not big on labels, but I guess sometimes a group of people share certain characteristics. I have many of the BPD traits, but more importantly, I knew why I felt so badly. Knowledge is indeed power. It makes things just a little less scary. I have managed to change many behaviors over the years. Unfortunately, some behaviors, and many of the feelings remain. I still do not have a clear separation of myself from others. They call it fluid boundaries. I kind of live my life as if I'm performing for some vast unknown audience. When I try to feel differently, there is this emptiness that descends upon me. It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't felt this. It can be quite exhausting. What is the toughest are my interactions with kids. I never feel like the adult. Kids usually like me because I am like a really old kid. I will play with them for hours, even if I don't want to. I can never say no. For this reason, I avoid being with them. It's easiest for me when other adults are around to run the show. Infants are much easier for me, because their emotional needs are simple. I so want to feel differently, but it hasn't changed. Kids are a precious commodity and I want to be able to enjoy them without torturing myself. Oh well, nothing else to do but keep trying.

What's Love Got To Do With It ??

Are there really so many different kinds of love, or is it all the same (minus, of course, the sex-thing in most cases)? I don't know. What I do know is that it is so essential to have the capacity to both give and receive love. It's also not that easy. I think so many of us have been hurt in the past. Whether it has been romantic love, parental love, friendships, whatever..it's an awful feeling to love in vain. As I get older, I see how important it is to cultivate relationships of all kinds. Truthfully, I am most comfortable with animals. There is an unconditional love on both sides. It's all very simple. With people, you get into all kinds of issues. It's hard to love unconditionally, but sometimes it's required. Some people need this because they have never had it in their lives. Sometimes you suffer emotional abuse from those you love unconditionally because they will test you. It's all so complicated. There is that cliche' about not being able to love anyone unless you love yourself. Well, I'm not so sure about that, because there are people that I really love even though I'm not totally fond of myself. I guess it's all up for debate. Anyhow, just another thing to ponder on a dreary Sunday morning.

Life in a Tornado

I haven't checked through my past blogs lately, but knowing myself to the extent that I do, I'm sure I've mentioned my "nervous breakdowns". "Why the quotes?", you might ask. Then again, you might not ask. Well, I would answer (please try to tolerate me, as I've worked two 16 hour days in a row). I place the term nervous breakdown in quotes because there is really no such clinical term. However, it seems to describe what has happened to me 3 or 4 times in my life. When something breaks down, it ceases to function. Sometimes there are warning signs, sometimes not. Same with me. I've watched some of the storm chaser videos on the Weather Channel. You see these tornado close-ups with all kinds of debris swirling around and streaks of lightening inside. They're really kind of horrifying. My breakdowns have felt like emotional tornados, you just swirl around in this thunderous cloud until it dissipates. There is no telling when it will stop, even with medication. You just have to hold on. You hold on because in the past, the storm did end, and you hope this one will do the same. It has for me every time. I try not to waste time dreading its return, but sometimes the emotional winds kick up, and I get scared. That is partly why I write. If anyone reading this is dealing with their own tornado, just know that the storm will end, and there are others who care and understand.

Smoking..or not

OK, I admit it, I live in New Jersey. There is currently a debate over whether or not to ban smoking in public places. This would include the Atlantic City casinos. I personally am for the bill.The casinos are worried about losing business because gambling and smoking go hand in hand. I love to gamble, but do not smoke. I also believe everyone has the right to their own vices. However, smoking is the only vice I know that affects the health of others. Smokers may argue that non-smokers should stay away from smoking areas. In my opinion, that would be unfair. If people want to release toxins into the air, they should do it alone, or with other toxin releasing people. They do have a right to smoke, but should not have a right to harm other peoples' lungs. Non-smokers shouldn't have to stay away from places they enjoy to avoid second-hand smoke. I probably opened up a can of worms here, but this is just my opinion.

Dysphoria

Dysphoria sucks. What is it?? Well..I've read many different meanings of the word, none of them pleasant. In my case, it's a mixture of despair, anger, anxiety, depression..on and on. I called out sick today, maybe that wasn't my best choice. It's a beautiful, sunny day here in the northeast. Not typical of March weather. I'd just as soon stay in and sleep though. These moods just kind of happen. I could always guess at a reason, but it really doesn't matter. There is always stress in life. Mine is no worse than anyone else's. This is just how my mind and body react. I have to cope with it. I know all the words of encouragement that could be offered. They are nice, but not always effective. I have supplemental meds, but they are not yet necessary. I will try to look for something humorous. Sometimes it helps. Writing this little blurb helps. I wish all my fellow bloggers the opposite of dysphoria, I guess that would be happiness.