Today

I'm depleted. It happens sometimes. Some say depressed, I say depleted. The depletion is mixed with anxiety, skin burning anxiety.
Extreme fatigue is also in the mix. Chemical?? Maybe, maybe not. I don't have much of a core,ego,whatever. It disappears easily. I'm writing now to preserve whatever little I have left. I could be physically sick, but I really couldn't say right now. Who knows? Not me. I've had a few jolts to my nervous system lately, I know they contributed to my depleted state. It doesn't take much. I have to try and rebuild. I can't afford to lose much more of me. There will be nothing left. Need to feed that soul. It starves sometimes.
Fat body, skinny soul. I could go on and on, but I'm boring me.

Would I Trade?

If I were to tell the story of my life some people might say, "What a shame."I would talk about a stressful childhood, nervous breakdowns, heavy drinking, alienation...on and on. I would tell about wasted talent (so I've been told), underachievment, terrible money management. So many negatives, or perceived negatives. Here's the catch though..I think I'm for real. I'm not saying I'm terrific, or wonderful, just for real. There is no pretense. I know this. I started looking inward at a very early age, thus the heavy drinking started. It was too painful at the time. Years later I started from the beginning, like an infant. Chronologically I was in my thirties, but emotionally I was an infant. Now in my fifties (late fifties at that), I'm still somewhat infantile, but I'm trying to grow. The growth is tough. I'd say more bad moments than good. I'm on medication, and probably couldn't function without it, but that's ok. I feel the emotional pain deeply, but on the other hand, I feel the joy and love deeply. There are just some things that touch the soul in a profound, beautiful, way. Children, friendship, beautiful music, animals, nature, all that "corny" stuff. Those wonderful moments I wouldn't trade for anything. I have those. Hours of misery for moments of joy. I guess there are some people that have the opposite, they are very fortunate. There are also people that seem to stay on the same, superficial level. They blot out the bad however they can, but they also give up the good. Now that's a shame! Personally, I'd rather have the trade-off. Most of the great works of art and literature were born of extreme angst. If you close the door, you close it to everything. Well, my door is wide open, who knows what may wander in next? I'll let you know.

The Truth About Salsa Revealed!!

I feel that the time is right to discuss this very serious issue. I believe that the various companies that produce salsa have grossly misrepresented their products. I, for one, am incensed and outraged. This evening I decided to make one of my gourmet meals which involved blue corn chips, shredded cheddar cheese and "medium" salsa. Now, what medium means to me is a little spicy. Mild means almost no spice, and hot would mean really spicy.
Well, after I slaved under a hot microwave for 45 seconds, my masterpiece turned out to be inedible. That's right...inedible. My tongue burned with every bite. I had to toss out my beautifully presented dish. All gone, ruined by the evil salsa. In the aftermath of the incident a painful memory surfaced. Oh yes....it was the great salsa disaster of 1997. How could I have forgotton the searing pain, and the seemingly endless supply of water needed to control the situation. They must be stopped. The Ortega's, Pace's, Chi-chi's, and other salsa empires. Innocent tongues are being burned! I implore all of you...or you, or maybe just me, to put a stop to this madness. Anyhow, it's time for my meds. Have a nice day :).

Floodgates

Please,please, don't let them open. One trauma after another lately. It's a shaky night for me tonight. I feel exhaustion, depression, apprehension, lots of bad stuff. Sad things are happening all around me. I absorb the sadness, it's just how I'm wired. I sit here grasping the edges of my little figurative raft just waiting for the storm to pass. Just hold on and wait. That's all I can do. I wish for healing for all concerned, myself as well. Hold on..and hope.

Listen to me.....just listen!

I call myself (and have been called) a chaos magnet. It sounds like a bad thing, but it's all in your perspective. I have this "aura" about me that seems to welcome other people's misery. I'm not trying to say that I'm some kind of martyr or anything. It's just that I've often had total strangers start talking to me about their problems. I once said "How are you?" to a toll booth guy. His answer was, "To tell you the truth, I'd be better off dead." I told him that I was sorry, then took off (as there was an entire line of cars behind me). One time I was looking at shoes in Penney's and a woman came up to me and said that she had a brain tumor and had about three weeks to live. We stood and talked for about an hour. She gave me her number, but I never called her. I probably should have, but I just couldn't. I used to think that people could sense my eagerness to please everyone, a trait that I consider self-serving. Maybe it's true, but it's ok. The bottom line is that people just want to be heard. They want to be valued. I guess people just sense that I will listen. The reasons why I listen don't matter to them, just that I'm listening. It's what we all want. Hey...did anybody hear me?

Saturday Night With Sophie

Thirty years ago Saturday night would be a party night. Now, it's just another night. It does, however, have a "feel"...like I should be doing something. Well, I am. Sophie (my dog) and I are having our little party right here at home. Sophie's even older than I am. She could be the equivalent of maybe 80 or 90 in people years. I read somewhere that it's not a straight 7 to 1 like previously thought. Sophie has just awakened from one of her many naps, and seems to be slightly bored. I say this because she just yawned (and couldn't possibly be tired). I was watching yet another UFO investigation on TV. Out of consideration for Sophie I switched to the AKC/Eukanuba National Championship. Sophie did seem to perk up at this, and looked particularly interested in a Newfoundland named "Cooper." Now, I can't be positive about this, but she did give me those vibes. Also, I think it's no coincidence that she waited until the commercial to go outside. All in all, it's been a successful Saturday night. It so beats the bar/party scene. Yup, two bitches on the sofa watching a bunch of bitches on TV. What could be better?

My Right Foot

I must tell you, that right now I'm battling some anxiety...I think. It's in the form of racing thoughts and fatigue. Those of you that are familiar with anxiety disorder probably understand. Anyhow, I must keep my sense of humor. I will therefore write about my now amusing anxiety incident that took place in Macy's the other day. I went there to return this portable whirlpool mat that I had gotten for Christmas. Although the concept is nice, it just seemed like too much of a hassle to set it up in the tub. It was never used, so the thing was completely dry. The box looked a little raggy, but oh well. An old friend of mine made a sport out of returning things to stores. He could pretty much size up the sales people. There were those that didn't care, and there were those that loved wielding their authority. You could return half of a dress to those that didn't care and they wouldn't even notice. Well, I got one of the "other ones". She looked at the box suspiciously and said, "Why are you returning this?" I mumbled some lie about a friend being diabetic. I don't know why, I guess I was just on the defensive. She reluctantly gave me a store credit. Service with a smile. As I was walking away I became aware of my right foot. It felt like it was about to burst out of my sneaker. I just knew that the heart attack or stroke would hit at any time. There was no time to look at the pretty, overpriced, clothes (which I would never wear). I had to get to the car to check my foot.
I left the store scared and hyperventilating. Finally I got to my car, where I could have the illusion of safety. I took off my shoe and sock. Surprise, surprise, my foot looked normal. I think my sneaker was tied too tightly. Another crisis averted. A typical day in the life of a maniac. I guess it beats being bored.

Affiliate Aschmiliate

Oh man am I tired. It really exhausts me to persevere with something.(which is precisely why I have never really succeeded in anything...except not succeeding). I have been trying for two years. Of course, when I say trying, I mean at most two hours a week....or maybe one. See what I mean? Well, this is 2008, a new year and all that. This is the year I make my big effort. Hell, I might even work for two hours a day. Who knows? The ceiling's the limit. I haven't seen the sky in a while. I've had strep throat. Is the sky still there? Anyhow, just between the two of us (am I overestimating my readers?), I'd really like to make some money. If I find a secret to success, I will share. I worked for five hours today. I need the day off tomorrow (to assimilate today's information). I'll keep all of you (or you) apprised of my progress, or lack of, whichever applies. Hey...thanks for reading.

Back to Da Bloggin

I'm back after almost a year of not blogging....and the crowd roars.
Well, there's a crowd roaring somewhere. My wonderful niece inspired me to start blogging again. She started a blog which I will try and link to (once I've learned this new and easier editing stuff). Anyhow it's been quite a year. Oh, I'm still crazy of course. Need you ask???...my little imaginary blog audience. No, you needn't. It's still been the emotional roller coaster, as always. The tracks have had some minor repairs, but it's still not safe. I try not to stand up on the ride and always keep my seat belt fastened. Let's see.. I've laughed, cried, had viruses, was treated for Lyme Disease, and threw up on one occasion. I made a half-hearted attempt at affiliate marketing too. I have terrible fashion sense and love to wear sneakers. What else??? Oh yeah, I still don't have a solid "sense of self" and try ridiculously hard to please and entertain everyone. I love animals, and someday hope to bring peace to the middle east (that would be the middle eastern part of New Jersey). It's great to be back in my cyberspace home. Visit anytime. The place is always a mess!

Uh-oh

Bad reaction to something last night. It was either avelox (my latest antibiotic), or life itself. Or....could it be Lyme disease related ? I'm guessing it was a combination of things. I felt like I couldn't walk or talk. The TV was on, but I couldn't understand what people were saying. Bad, bad night. Worst night in years. Oh well, here I am writing, so I guess there's a shred of sanity left. I miss those vodka martini days. I couldn't handle them anymore. At least there was a measure of relief available. It was well worth the hangover.

Shining Star

I've had a million ideas for posts in the past month. Obviously none of them came to fruition. Tonight I am watching the Oprah special about the school in South Africa. Whatever your feelings about Oprah (I happen to admire her), you would have to be moved by this special. I know she can well afford to do these kinds of things, but the point is...she does them. It is so wonderful to see the best in human nature. This is truly how things should be. Loving and helping each other. I'm not a mushy person, but I just love to see this kind of thing. Ok, I've had my say, and for once it's positive.
Love to all (and I mean it)

Bar Scene

I was sitting at a bar last night playing video poker, and of course, pondering. Who says my life is meaningless?? Huh?? Well anyhow, while indulging in my two favorite vices I was aware of the others at the bar cheering for their favorite football teams. I then gazed at the shelves and shelves of liquid relief with all the fancy names. There were various flavors of schnapps, pretty colored liquors, distinguished looking bottles of scotch and bourbon etc. All of the adult pacifiers or "binkies" . We all need these escapes from the often painful process of living. As they say, it's ok in moderation. Unfortunately many people are not moderate. They are on that fast train that leaves Reality Station and never stops. I've been on that train. The only way off is to jump and hit the ground with a thud. At that point you have to crawl, and then hopefully walk. Many people are of the belief that you can never leave Reality Station again. Personally, I have left again, but not on the same train. I go round trip. It's been ok so far. Of course some people have never been to Reality Station. They get involved in other things. They can be scary. They are the ones that start wars over nonsense. They are on an underground train that travels in a violent circle leaving destruction in its path. It is essential to know which train to board. My train leaves the station about once a month. So far it's been round trip every time. The trick is to not lose your ticket.

Am I OK??? Hell no!!

I'm pretty old by most standards. Not elderly, but old. However, when I'm really upset I revert to infancy. I know I've written about this before, but it's so disturbing that I must write about it again. We all regress sometimes, especially during periods of extreme stress. Most of us can hide our childishness. Sometimes I can, but sometimes (like today), I can't. I guess it's part of my emotional illness. I'm not using it as an excuse, just a reason. I try not to get to that point, but sometimes it just happens. Today was so stressful, for many reasons. Anyhow the result was me demanding to get out of a car immediately without regard to where I was or what could happen. I had to walk over a long bridge with a very small sidewalk and a low guardrail. Very dangerous, but oh well. I do these things when I feel I've been wronged. They are essentially tantrums, I know this. They're not pretty, especially from an older adult. Really disgusting, but I (the disgusting one) am probably more disgusted than anyone. Funny thing though, I feel wronged and wrong at the same time. It's pure frustration. Anyhow I'm exhausted tonight from my carryings on. I wish I could just behave myself.

Back..Not Quite Intact

This is a very tough post. I just came back from my visit. I visited people I love very much who have beautiful, wonderful children. I love them all so much. Here's the thing though...
I'm totally wrecked. I'm wrecked because my visits are fewer and shorter than I would like because of my mental/physical problems. With all the love and fun the torture remains. My anxiety/ocd etc.,etc.,etc..... were in high gear because I was away from my nest. The last night there I awoke every couple of hours in a panic state. My thoughts were racing so much I couldn't even understand what I was thinking. I was just worried that I would start screaming and wake up my family. I didn't want to scare the kids. I was petrified. Every time I woke up I laid there frozen until the panic subsided. I was afraid things would escalate and I would be this frantic crazy-woman that had to be taken to the nearest psychiatric hospital. I thought that I had once again reached the point of no return. So,so,scary. Thankfully I was functional when I woke up in the morning. I don't mention these things to my loved ones. They really don't have time to read my blog, so hopefully they will not see this post. I am still sitting here scared even though I am home. My nervous system has to recover. Although I must say, it was worth going through this to see people that I love.

Oh, The Horror!

I realize that I'm always writing about my mind or the loss thereof. I go on and on ad nauseum. My mind is always on .....my mind. This nervous breakdown thing is a real pain in the ass. Modern psychiatry does not use the term "nervous breakdown".
However, I can't think of a more appropriate term for what has happened to me in the past. When a car breaks down, it stops going. That's what happened to me three or four times in my life, I stopped going. Each time I either slid or fell into this pit of despair and anxiety for months at a time. Fortunately, I was able to dig and claw my way out of the pit every time. The thing is, I never get far enough away from the pit. I live at the edge of this pit. Sometimes one foot slips in and I have to drag myself out again. I just never know when I'm going to fall in again. I'm used to having panic attacks, they come and go. My breakdowns always start with a panic attack. The difference is, it doesn't leave. It becomes an emotional state that just lasts and lasts. It doesn't have to be precipitated by anything traumatic, it just happens. Shit happens. When it happens, I feel really regressed, like a scared infant. I look in the mirror and see late middle aged, but I feel like an infant. Infants need care. I don't want to need care. I want to provide the care. I never want to be at the mercy of others. Anyhow, I am going away to visit family for a few days. The joy in this is always overshadowed by the fear of the breakdown. That's just the way it is. If anyone can relate to this, I'd appreciate the feedback. I guess I've said my piece. Thanks in advance for reading my post.

Bad Moon Rising

I'm hoping today's post will calm my storm today. I just never know when the illness will strike. I am referring to this emotional/physiological thing that has plagued me for most of my life. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but this has been an ongoing battle for as long as I can remember. Yeah, I have Lyme disease and a few other little physical things. This anxiety/depression thing makes everything else seem trivial. Today, I have the all too familiar feeling of dissociation. This is one of those lovely anxiety symptoms where you feel as though your limbs are not connected to your body. Always fun. I also feel like going into a hibernation sleep. It's not as intense as when I've had my "breakdowns" but it's scary. I hope it's not a sign of worse things to come. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but it's hard not to worry. Well, there's not much I can do except keep trying not to crash. I will definitely put up a fight.

Words to Live By

My mom was what you would call a real "live wire". She had a tremendous amount of nervous energy. She was a really bright woman, but wasn't the type to sit down and ponder the meaning of life. Some people just have to keep moving. I don't know if it's out of fear or not. There are just those that are on automatic pilot their entire lives. We've all seen them...the workaholics and such. We need them. They keep the place moving and shaking. Then there are the others, like myself. We sit and ponder everything. Sometimes it's comforting, other times it drives us insane. Yet we can't help it, we must question. It's this mixture of curiousity and fear that keeps us on this quest for knowledge. Anyhow, that having been said...there was this one moment with my mom that I never forgot. It was about a year before she died. We were sitting in her apartment (after a losing night at the casino) and she looked at me very seriously and said, "there's something important that I have to tell you." She sounded uncharacteristically calm and serious, so I gave her my full attention. I was preparing for her to tell me something deeply profound, so I was ready to be receptive. Well, her words to live by were these..."Always buy toilet paper on sale because it's very expensive." I kid you not, this is a true story. It turns out that this was excellent and true advice. To this day I look to see what's on sale and cut out the appropriate coupons. Words to live by. Of course I still ponder the mysteries of life and death. However, the only answer I come up with when I ask why is ..because. That's it, just because. So lately the only thing I know for sure is....yeah, you guessed it. Take my mom's advice..buy the stuff on sale. You'll be glad you did!!

Why I Should Drink

I have a malady for which there is no cure. It's a kind of sickness of the soul (if you will). Hey...I've always wanted to use that "if you will" phrase, and now I have! Anyway, my soul is a little ill because it cannot feel its roots. This is only my opinion, but it is the only opinion that I actually "feel". I personally believe that the natural state of all souls is to be loving. I am, of course, not referring to the physical body, with all those needs etc. That makes us all so tired. It clouds everything. I think at our core is pure love and understanding. All too often, I have hurt and anger that keeps me from feeling that basic love. I think its a combination of the genetic flaws of my physical body and how I was molded by my environment. I've worked very hard to change my way of thinking and acting, and to some extent have succeeded. However, there are some wounds that haven't healed and some fears that remain. When I have a drink, the hurt and fear are in the background. I can smile and feel at peace with my environment. I feel loving and happy. There are no more obstacles. This is why I should drink. Why would I not want to feel these things. I don't mean drink until I'm drunk, and I don't mean all the time.
I mean just sometimes, to experience the nice feelings. Well, I've said my piece. Cheers!

Stingray Conspiracy

Oh man, what a world. After the tragic death of the crocodile hunter, there were some incidents of violence against stingrays. What are people thinking??? They're obviously not thinking. These are the people who are on the waiting lists for hate groups and need to do some damage somewhere. The world is full of these people. Pretty scary. That is why I prefer staying home and typing on my computer. My own personal craziness is just fine with me. My very dear, departed friend used to say,
"They're just not very highly evolved." (spiritually, that is). Although so much violence is done in the name of religion, which in my opinion, has nothing to do with spirituality. Speaking of spirituality, I'm trying to make money. I've researched some stuff on the internet and will place some ads on my blog. Lots of people do this and don't feel the need to tell
others. I have lots of guilt and feel the need to confess everything. This is good for others because I will not try to rip-off anybody. That being said, please feel free to click if you like......or not, of course. Take care, and pleasant blogging.
selfseeker...aka...dysFUNction

Guilt Again

This post is guilt driven, like so many of my endeavors. I haven't posted in almost a month and I feel guilty. So who am I hurting, my legions of fans??? Yeah, right!! No, it's just me inflicting guilt on myself. I have it down to an art. Anyway, nothing much has changed in my life. The world around me marches on at its feverish crazy pace. We all hear the horrendous things in the news. One of my favorite authors, Kurt Vonnegut says, "We're just on this earth to fart around, don't let anyone tell you anything different." Sounds right to me. The only thing we should be concerned about is helping each other to fart around and have fun. Protect the children so that they can grow up to fart around. Protect the planet so that we all can have our playground. That's about it. O.k., the end. Playtime everyone!!!

The Cord

I write this at a late hour. I can't sleep. My dog is doing her usual midnight nagging while I watch "Cops" on TV and play computer mahjongg. I love my dog. I love my family and friends. These feelings should be good. These are the things that sustain us. The important things. I know this, but for me there's this cord. The cord that attaches me to every significant living thing in my life. It drains me because I can't separate my emotions from theirs. I project mine onto them, and theirs are projected to me. It's a never-ending, chaotic flow of feelings that keeps me agitated to the point of exhaustion. It's as if I am responsible for everyone's well being. My well being depends on this, but ironically it prevents my well being. Vicious cycle. I often tell half truths in order to keep the delicate balance. I have some strong opinions that are never voiced. Just keep the balance...it's like juggling so many things. I can't keep it up forever. Something's gotta give. I don't know what or when. If only I could free myself..stand alone and let the chips fall where they may. I know the truth, if only I could own it. What a beautiful relief that would be.

Lyme Lemon

I live in the woods...mentally and physically. Lots of ticks and stuff. It hadn't occurred to me to get tested, even after several months of obvious symptoms. Lyme disease is so prevalent in the northeast. If it's caught early, it's not too bad. Unfortunately, I was a little late. I had the rash a long time ago, but didn't realize what it was. Now I have all kinds of stuff happening. Anyhow, I am taking doxycycline, which is giving me nasty side effects...or is it the lyme thing. Who knows. Anyway, a word to the wise...if you live in a lyme disease area, get tested. There are lots of symptoms, read up on it. Don't let it go, it only gets worse.

Dogenstein

I have created a monster. I just had to make this entry as I sit here (after midnight) being tormented by my spoiled rotten dog. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She was in a couple previous posts along with her picture. She was a shelter dog. Someone had left her tied to a pole in a parking lot. She was taken to the not-so-humane association and was adopted by my partner and I six months later. She has bitten both of us and nipped at some children. She has eaten money, books, tissues and pens. She does not listen at all, and would throw us to the wolves while protecting herself. Yet, she is undeniably cute and we love her. We have had her for several years. She is up in age now (anywhere from 13 to 15). She is a little nicer and very spoiled. I see her as my special needs dog. She has behavioral issues that seem to be fear based. In my effort to comfort her, I give her lots of attention and good treats. She sleeps about 16 hours a day and torments the humans for the remaining eight. It's especially bad after 10:00PM. She keeps whining for treats and attention. She doesn't like me using the computer either. Sometimes she tries to knock my hand off of the keyboard. She would like to dictate when I go to bed, but I usually defy her. I have to draw the line somewhere. I know this is all my fault and I have probably broken every dog training rule. It's really ok though because it's a fun kind of torment. I know we understand and love each other in our own twisted ways. Isn't that much like any relationship? I think Sophie (my dog) agrees. She just gave me a very loving look...or was it a glare? Oh well, doesn't matter.

One Good Thing

Getting older sucks....physically. However, some things seem to be a little better (at least for me). I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. You know, those little things that used to be a big deal when you were younger. I don't really care how I look, as long as I'm clean. I'm definitely not a slave to fashion. Also, I can sometimes laugh at my inadequacies. I don't embarass easily either. That's a good thing, because I'm an airhead and a klutz ...a combination that leads to sitcom like situations when I'm out in public. For instance, there was the time that I was waiting in line to pay for a cappuccino that I had already sipped. I thought people were smiling at me because they were exceptionally friendly that day. Not the case. They were actually laughing because my sipped cappuccino had gotten on my mouth, chin, and tip of my nose. I looked like I was wearing foamy clown makeup. No one pointed this out to me. I had to discover it on my own when I looked into my rear view mirror. Oh well, no big deal. Today, I was standing in line at the custard stand, which should have been embarassing enough (I'm not exactly thin). Well, little did I know there were three little produce stickers on my t-shirt. I had on a dark t-shirt so the little white stickers stood out very nicely. I had just come from the super market, so they must have come off of the red peppers (#4088). Just par for the course.
Luckily I'm not trying to impress anyone. I, personally am impressed that I can still find my way home!

Not Sick, Just Weird

Went to the oral surgeon last Friday to check my tongue (orthodontist thought he saw lesions). The oral surgeon only saw a weird looking tongue, nothing to worry about. Weird looking tongue in a weird looking mouth on a weird looking face. No big deal, just normal for me. So I am relieved. Anyhow, this is such a low energy day, not just lazy like usual, but low energy too. Nothing funny to write. Oh well, maybe I'll stick out my tongue and get a good laugh.

Back from Vegas

Well, I made it through my vacation. What an odd sentence. Anyhow, I had a great time and came back with not much more insanity. However, a whole new load of trouble has flown in from Nastyland or wherever it is trouble starts. Bad things seem to come in these clumps. The particular clump that I'm dealing with now involves friends losing loved ones and personal health scares. All part of everyone's life. I know this. I'm not here to say "poor me". I'm just here....that's all. My latest scare is tongue cancer, yeah that's right, tongue cancer. I never smoked and don't drink heavily, but whatever... I have this leukoplakia on my tongue. I think that's how you say it. It was noticed by this orthodontist I went to for TMD. He was a nice guy, but it was like bizarro world. All his employees (including himself) wore braces. They were middle aged people with braces. I know some people really need them, but does EVERYONE need them??? It was hard to take him seriously when he was saying leukoplakia with metal and rubber bands in his mouth. I was surprised he could pronounce the word. Anyhow, I go to the oral surgeon in a week, so I have time to conjure up all kinds of horrible images. Truthfully, I'd be shocked if I had it, but I'm also shocked when I look at my fat stomach. Well, my sense of humor is intact which is my barometer for the tenuous hold I have on sanity. It's good to be communicating with all of you. I can't see you, but I know you're there! (in a good way, not in a paranoid way). OK, I feel much better now.

No Deja vu....please!

My last nervous breakdown was in February of 2002. I was on vacation in Las Vegas. I love to gamble, and I was visiting people that I really love.
Go figure. There's always a convenient reason if you look hard enough. My mother had died 14 months earlier. My medication had been changed. The planets weren't aligned properly. You just never know. What I do know is that I dread having another episode. I'm going to Las Vegas in two weeks. It's for the wedding of someone I love. A wonderful occasion. I will be around people that mean so much to me. The location and/or the people, of course, had nothing to do with my meltdown. It was whatever was inside my head. I'm just scared because I'm returning to the scene of my demise. The trick is not to sabotage myself. I wish it were that easy. I'm sure my fellow anxiety sufferers understand my dilemma.

A Borderline's Lament

Here's how today went down. Nobody loves me. I'm horrible. Such a wimp. But no...wait.. I'm actually brave. I'm not a wimp at all. Everbody loves me..but wait..no.. I need some space. So many demands. They suck the life right out of me!! But wait..no they don't. I need them. I really love them. So where are they? Never there when I need them. Uh-oh, who's that? Is someone at the door? I hope not. Oh God, I'm so lonely. I think I'll go out and be among strangers. I hope I don't have to talk to anyone. Maybe I'll call a friend. I don't know what to say, but there's so much to say. I'm just so tired, but I sleep too much. What's on TV...nothing good. Oh well, almost time for bed. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Human Services...Not Always Humane

These are feelings I've been wanting to express for years. I retired about a year ago from a job in "Human Services." This term, of course refers to a "helping" kind of job. In my case, it was in a state facility for the developmentally disabled. These individuals used to be called "retarded", but that was demeaning, and not politically correct. I agree. Apparently we all need labels and categories, it makes it easier to deal with people if you clump them all together. There are always people coming up with new and better terms for society's groups. The name-givers are in a group that I personally have labeled "Assholes."
In our workplace we frequently changed labels, buzz-words, mission statements, etc. All of the changes were supposed to make life better for our "individuals served" (the latest known label). Ya know what??!!! If people miss the point, none of it matters. Unfortunately, people miss the point so often that it makes me sick...mentally, emotionally, physically....TOTALLY SICK!!! The point, as I see it, and I hope many others see it, is to be nice. I don't mean phony nice, I mean really and truly a nice human being. Don't just go around spouting policies, buzz-words, and all that other bullshit. Don't just make things look good on paper. Also, be as realistic as you can. If certain things are not possible for some people, don't pretend they are possible. Never talk down to people. So often, people will take advantage of those who are perceived as "weaker" , whether it is mentally or physically. This gives them a sense of control and power. Many times the caregivers are sicker than those in their care. It's very important to be introspective and examine your motives. I have had three "vacations" in psychiatric hospitals. There is nothing more humiliating than being bullied by someone pretending to help. The sick and disabled are not stupid. They know who is for real, and who is not. Anyway, here's a word of advice for all those superficial, arrogant, so-called humanitarians. Your life could change in a flash, and you may need some kind of care. Would you want to be at the mercy of someone like you??

Dripping Faucet Mind

I always have a certain level of mental discomfort. I'm just stating a fact. It's no big deal. Lately it's like there's always a faucet dripping in the background. Most of the time it's not too annoying. However... during my more vulnerable moments (I can't explain when or why they occur), there is the drip. DRIP..(wave of fear)..DRIP..(anger)...DRIP.. (lonliness)...DRIP..(anxiety). The drips can be maddening. I cannot turn off this faucet. It cannot be fixed (they don't make those parts anymore). The water drips continuously. I can live with it. I will collect it in a huge vat where it will be analyzed. Maybe I can create an antidote for dysphoria. Who knows?? In the meantime, I will think loud, amusing thoughts.

War of Attrition

This feeling, this feeling. You know what I think? Here's what I think. I would be more inclined to end my life when I'm feeling "better" than when I'm in crisis. The pain is intense during a crisis, but the intense pain eventually subsides. Also, people are generally nicer to you when you are obviously suffering. This is not to say that I intentionally bring on a breakdown. I do not!! At least, not consciously. Sub-consciously, who can say? No one. Thus the prefix "sub". What is really difficult is the low-level discomfort that is with me on a daily basis. I can often ignore it, but it's there. It often flares up just enough to prevent me from having fun. Some may think I am in control of this, but believe me, I fight it all the time. This is not meant to evoke sympathy, I am just venting. It's all part of the fight. I get tired, but I'll keep fighting. Because I am strong??? Nope!! Because I'm a chicken.

Whats With Me???

I should have a sign on my forehead MOOD SUBJECT TO CHANGE WITHOUT NOTICE!! It's so damn frustrating, this mental, emotional illness...whatever it's called. I had a trip planned for yesterday. I woke up feeling just awful. I believed it was a mental thing, but I ended up having a fever. Did depression bring it on, or was my body just saying "No more social activities." I don't know. Today I am really depressed. I was thinking about trying to go tomorrow. People are counting on me. I don't want to go somewhere and fall apart. It's happened before. Horrible for me and everyone else. I will be with my brother's grandchildren (my great nephews), and don't want to spoil everything. I so often disappoint people...and myself. Do I plan too many things for my fragile self to handle, or am I just a weak wimp? Wish I knew the answer. If I push through the situation, will there be a good outcome? Calling all psychics. Answer unknown. It just SUCKS.

Almost Near Death

I'm really just posting to keep up with my own ramblings. That probably didn't make much sense. Oh well..... . I just had another birthday. Closer to the end. That wasn't meant to be depressing. Just a fact. The end could possibly be a beginning. I've been reading some stuff about near death experiences etc. I really think there's an afterlife. I have to think that. I also have to think that it's very pleasant in the spirit world. I don't believe in any of the traditional religious stuff. I just think you have to do your best in this world and learn from your mistakes. That's it. Best wishes to everyone in the blogosphere.

A Sense of Purpose

I did not get a sense of identity from my work. It was at best, a diversion, and not a good one. We work because we need money, but also to feel productive. We all know the deal with people dying soon after they retire, even though they couldn't wait to retire. I was not all that productive at work, but it did give me a place to go every day. Now I find myself wandering through the days indulging in my favorite vices (over-eating, gambling, wine drinking). Admittedly, I enjoy these things, but they're supposed to be bad for me. They leave me feeling a little empty (even the over-eating). My work kind of left me empty too though. I think it all boils down to this...
We all want love..in one way or another
Love of family, pets, nature...on and on..giving, receiving, whatever. Everything else is part of the quest. If self-love is not attained..it's tough, very tough. Maybe I'm overstating the obvious here, but it's just my blog. I can continue to post my ramblings. I have to. It's part of my quest.

Life, As I know it...

Sometimes I see the glass as half empty...and then I get thirsty. I try to take a drink only to realize that the glass is TOTALLY empty. Not only that, but it has a chip on the rim that cuts my lip. As if that's not enough, my lip starts to bleed profusely because the .81 mg of aspirin that I took to prevent the heart attack has thinned my blood. A disastrous chain of events then ensues leading to my ultimate demise and the end of civilization. My tortured soul is then released only to end up in a parallel world to face the exact same set of circumstances.
Oh well, just trying to maintain a cheery outlook. Happy holidays everyone!!

My Link

I'm not pushy at all. I can only say that I've made two $ 6.00 investments in this site and they have delivered as promised. I usually just write about my maladjustments and misadventures (if you check my other entries). However, if anyone wants to try this, you can use my link. Of course, I will make a little money on it, but you, in turn, can do the same. If you do try it, please give me feedback, as I am not out to scam anyone! Here's my link www.12dailypro.com/?ref=92421

Thanks..way in advance

Acting Out

Question:What makes a middle-aged woman walk down a deserted, dark road crying?
Answer: Despair, craziness, and immaturity. Sometimes I can't get my point across. Usually, I don't know my point. I just know how I feel...horrendous. I know so many of the reasons for my despair. No one really to blame at this point, not even myself. I have no more room for guilt. Certain situations are catalysts. Feeling rejected (real or imagined), feeling helpless, abandoned, whatever. These feelings cause unbearable pain for me, and sometimes I act badly. I like myself even less when I do this, but it seems to relieve some of the pain. Oh yeah, I know there are healthier ways to relieve emotional pain (like blogging). Sometimes the pain is just too much to handle. Tonight was one of those times. So I was once again the infant..the wrinkled old infant. Pretty scary...but just another day in the life. I'll try to do better tomorrow.

Ugliness Is Only "Skin Deep"

This may be a curse, but I have the ability to see beneath the surface. What I mean is, I don't take people at "face value." I think it's quite obvious that people behave badly when they are feeling badly. It's also obvious that there are many reasons to feel badly. Whether it's a lifelong problem or only a temporary situation emotional pain cripples us in various ways. Basically, we either act out in some way (crying, yelling, being rude, etc.), or withdraw. Often we alternate between the two. Just as some people deal with chronic physical pain, there are those of us that deal with chronic emotional pain. Bad behaviors are coping mechanisms. I try to ease my own emotional pain by finding humor in things, which often requires creativity (along with a twisted mind). Maybe I'm terribly naive, but I usually see the good beneath the surface. I believe that the vast majority of us have goodness at our core. That is why when people say, "How can you like him or her?", or "Why do you bother with them?", I know the answer. It's because I can see beneath the surface. Sometimes I wish I couldn't, but I think it's all part of my path in life.

Stupid Sayings

There is a sign that I've seen in some workplaces, it goes a little something like this: I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. I've earned it, etc., etc., etc....
I know many of us have seen this sign. For those of us who have had nervous breakdowns, it's just NOT FUNNY !! For me, having a nervous breakdown is like being sucked into this hellish vacuum. Whatever self-control I had is gone. There are no longer any pleasant emotions, only despair. Does anyone actually want to earn something like that? I THINK NOT. So..take down those signs. It's like wishing for a terminal disease. Avoid it like the plague (pun intended).
I'm writing this because lately it's been a little windy up here on my tightrope.
Who knows why? It doesn't matter why, all that matters is not falling.

Such a baby

I have this new toy now. I've been wanting a laptop for so long. Now I am sitting in bed posting to my blog. What a thrill. I've brought my little computer world to my bedroom. No more uncomfortable desk chairs. I have my pillows, comforters, and my t.v. Ain't technology great?
The idea of bedroom fun has taken on a whole new meaning for me. Well as they say, "whatever turns you on." Of course, they also say, "It's all good." Liars!!!

More Referrals

Ok, here goes another link. I'm trying to get a flat screen monitor. This is supposedly legit. Here's the link http://flatscreens.freepay.com/?r=23464394

The Doormat Foundation

I am going to create a new organization for those of us that have been doormats all of our lives. As we all know, a "doormat" is the type of person that takes way too much emotional abuse from others. The others could be strangers, family, or friends. It doesn't matter. We will occasionally speak up for ourselves, but usually feel guilty when we do. In general, we are caring people who would do anything to "keep the peace". It is very important for us to be liked, even by people we can't stand. People tend to mistreat us just because they can. I guess everyone likes to feel empowered. Maybe we should have a 12 step program and we could all be recovering doormats. The first step would be to ask others to make amends to us . Oh well, maybe it's just a self-pity day. All comments are welcome...unless they are hurtful. I've reached my quota.

Oh no, I'm Advertising

OK, here's the deal. I joined Stormpay and they have all these "randomizers". This one for bums captured my interest. If you're a Stormpay member, you can send money via e-mail. If you feel like it you can check it our at this url http://www.spare2bucks.com/random/?id=foobie@comcast.net

I'm not the selling type, and I can't guarantee anything, but it doesn't hurt to look. Thanks in advance, and yes, I feel guilty.

BPD + Caffeine+ Tiredness + Blog =

Here is my de-railed train of thought tonight. Am I right or wrong? Why did I do that? Why didn't I do that ? I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm an awful person. No I'm not, I'm a good person. I think I'm ugly...no average...no.. not bad for my age..no..bad for any age. I'm angry. I'm happy. I don't know what I am. Life is funny...no it's not. I'm having trouble breathing, no, I'm breathing fine. Did I make the right decision? I think I'm getting a cold..no, I'm not. I'm nuts..yes, I am nuts. Are there any questions???

Retired..the real work begins

I am retired. Wow, I suddenly feel free....and old. A large percentage of my life has gone by. Now what? So far, I've spent many hours pondering..which I also did at work. Did I need the structure that my job offered? Well, actually, my job had no structure. I did have lots of interactions with other people, and some nice work friendships. I miss those. I don't miss the frustration of the job. The question is, "What do I need now?" Money, for one. I also need some interactions with people I love...just some interactions. Being borderline, I can't take too much. I also want to have fun as long as I can. Sometimes, that's the most difficult work of all. My fun this morning was looking in the mirror and laughing at my appearance. I guess that's not very constructive. I will try to laugh at something else..not related to myself. Maybe I'll watch the 700 club, or a rerun of The Nanny. I could always practice my violin. Yes, I play the violin. I used to do it for a living, until I ran out of bourbon and valiums (I'm entirely serious). Well anyway, I wish my blog family a wonderful day.

Polly

Usually when we say something's "a scream" we mean it's funny. When I say that my mother's side of the family was a scream, I really mean "a scream"!!
They were a mixture of the loudest, most abrasive male and female voices in the world. As if that wasn't bad enough, they used their loud voices constantly. The "meeting of the loud" often took place at my great aunt's house. We called her meemah Haikah. I think meemah meant "aunt". I don't know what language it was...maybe Russian. My grandmother had eighteen brothers and sisters so there were a lot of meemahs. They all looked like the same old lady wearing the same house dress. The old Russians weren't big on getting all dolled up. They were, however, big on yelling. The noise at my great aunt's house was deafening. A war could have broken out, and we wouldn't have heard the bombs dropping. Be that as it may (whatever the hell that means), it was one of my favorite places. This was because of the parrot. Meemah Haika's son Morris was a surgeon who had successfully operated on his friend's parrot. The friend turned this mean-spirited bird over to cousin Morris, who then gave him to his mother, the afore-mentioned meemah Haika. The bird, being mean and loud, fit in beautifully. They weren't big on originality, so they named him Polly. He quickly learned everyone's name and would tell them each to shut-up at the appropriate time. Of course, they didn't listen. He also liked to scare people as they came in the door. It was a poorly lit hallway, and people couldn't see him. He would yell "Up against the wall!" People would think they were being held up (it was a dangerous neighborhood). We were sometimes lucky enough to bird-sit when my aunt went away. We would put his cage in our kitchen. He learned our dog's name and would repeatedly call him. The dog would come running into the kitchen and look around confused. Polly loved that game. He was used to having toast and coffee in the morning and would start screaming for it at 6:00 AM. He was the most entertaining pet I ever knew. It's amazing that personality traits that are so obnoxious in people could be so cute in an animal. Now there's an intelligent design!

Guilt Over Previous Post

I feel very guilty about my previous post. I didn't want to mislead anyone. I'm really hoping the money thing will work. It's an interesting premise. I'll be sure to let everyone know. That having been said, I will focus my guilt onto something else. It's there, and it needs a focus. Mabye some day I will have a guiltectomy, but that would probably involve my whole being. I wonder what the difference is between "otomy" and "ectomy" ? You know, appendectomy, lobotomy.
They both involve removal. Oh well, I've had way too much coffee and not enough paxil. Combine that with crazy and you've got a bad thing. I wish everyone a lovely day. Just be thankful that you're not living with me!

Money making???? Maybe

Ok, here goes,
I can't say if this works or not, but I sent $ 10 to the first person on the list about an hour ago. I checked this out on lots of scam sights, and didn't find anything negative. I'll let you know if it works. Try it if you like. Who knows, maybe we'll all make money.


I turned $10 into $31,250 within the first 30 days of operating this business plan. If you decide to take action on the following instructions, you will enjoy a similar return! Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Please do not be skeptical about this program. At least think about it for a few days. Otherwise you will be throwing away over $30,000 in cash! This system has been working for 2 years and thousands of people have joined and they have been amazed by the results of a little time and $10! You will too!


Start Now, free - Just follow these 4 easy steps...

Here's what you need to do. . .

STEP 1

Ok, the very first and most important thing you need to do is SAVE this page in your Favorites so you can come back to it if you lose it. Done that? Ok, if you're not already a Stormpay user, you need to click on the Stormpay link below and SIGN UP. It takes just 2 minutes!

https://www.stormpay.com/stormpay/promo.php

Be sure to use the link below so you can sign up for a free BUSINESS account. You'll need to have a BUSINESS account (and not a PERSONAL account) otherwise you won't be able to receive credit card payments from other people.



Here's the link: Click Here To Create a Stormpay Account

STEP 2

It is an undeniable law of the universe that we must first give in order to receive.
So the first thing to do when you have your Stormpay account is to send a $10 payment from your Stormpay account to the FIRST email address in the list below. After you have paid the first person, that person will then email back to you the software download link and email blast info: Also, your payment to the person in the number 1 position, GUARANTEES that you will be paid as the program proceeds and when your name reaches the top position. This guarantees there will be no cheating. This is what makes it FOOL PROOF. To do this successfully, follow these simple steps:

1. Login to Stormpay and click on the Send Money tab;

2. In the 'Recipient's Email' field enter the FIRST email address of list of 5 below;

3. In the 'Amount' field enter 10 (this is your $10 payment);

4. In the 'Type' field select Service (though it doesn't really matter what you put here, this is for Stormpay's own records)


**5. This Is VERY IMPORTANT!! In the 'Note' field on the Stormpay form, enter Send Software Download Links (Be certain to add this note, as this is what keeps this program legal).

6. Finally, click on the Continue button to complete the payment. That's it!

Please note: following step five exactly will ensure that the program will work for you and that you will be paid. When you send your $10 payment to the first address in the list, do it with a great big smile on your face because "as you sow, so shall you reap!"



Here's the current list:

1. sales@totallyfreecars.com

2. info@paychecks-now.com

3. navha@optonline.net

4. sales@click-space.com

5. foobie@comcast.net

After you have transferred a $10 payment to the email address at the top of the list, something very eerie happens. It gives you an indescribable, overwhelming sense of certainty, belief and conviction in the system. You've just proved to yourself that, because you have done it, there must be a great number of other people ready to do exactly the same. Thus you have now seen for yourself, first hand, that this business actually works!


Don't be tempted not to send the $10 to the first person! Because....here is why....


If you don't send the $10 to the person at the top of this list, you won't make it to step 4, which is the best part of the whole program. That's the part which Makes it foolproof!

STEP 3

Once you've sent a $10 payment to the address at the top of the list (along with your note - this is VERY important!), the next thing you need to do is to obtain a copy of the contents of this page, as you'll be sending it out (as an email message or by advertising your page, like I have done) to at least 40 people (keep in mind that 40 is a good number of people to reach, but with all the different ways of advertising for free on the internet the amount of views and signups under you could well exceed into the hundreds or thousands if you wish....the more people who join the more profitable for everyone on the list, including you). The copy that you will send out will contain YOUR email address at number 5 in the list - having deleted the address at Number 1 in the list, and moving the others up a position.

The best way to do this is you can copy and paste into emails to your family and friends. You can copy and paste it and put ad's on the internet on message boards etc. Or you can create your own free website, by copying and pasting. There are many free webpages you can build on the web. For example 2 good ones are http://www.geocities.com/ or http://www.cmlb.net/. Both of these are simple to use. And the best part of having this info on a website for people to follow is you can post links to your site on paid to click websites or paid to read email sites, for great advertising. There are countless ways to get more people like me and you involved in this amazing program.



A. Go to the toolbar at the top of the window and select "Edit" and then "Select All".


B. Go to the toolbar again and select "Edit" and then "Copy".

C. Start (compose) a new email message (PLAIN TEXT so everyone can view it!).

D. Fill in your email address and subject line, and then click in the main message area.

E. Go to "Edit" and "Paste" to paste the text into your new email message. Now you can edit and format the message text in any way you want! However, it's best to just leave the text as it is because you want your email to be read by everyone who receives it!

The only thing you need to make sure of is that YOUR email address is at Number 5 in the list in STEP 2. Of course, the address that was previously at Number 1 should have been removed, and the other email addresses should have been moved up a position to accommodate yours at Number 5. As long as you have done this correctly, your email is ready for sending!


A word of warning! Don't be tempted to add your email address to position 1 in order to earn money fast! It doesn't work like that! If you do that, you will ONLY reach the people you directly send emails to, and then your address will be immediately removed from the Number 1 place and you won't reach thousands of people! But, if you add your name to the Number 5 position, there will be literally tens of thousands of people receiving and sending email's later - when your name is at the Number 1 spot!!!

F. Once you've got your email message ready, send out a minimum of 40 copies of the email - but only to people you know, or to people who respond to MLM offers, or to people who've sent YOU offers. By sending this letter and the payment via EMAIL, the response time is EXTREMELY fast.......... ELECTRONIC TRANSFER INTERNET FAST!!! That's why it takes only a few days for those $10 payments to start flooding into your Stormpay account!'


Or let the pros send your emails for you. This is a great way to get it done right with...
No Hassle, No Flames, No Spam Complaints, No Lost ISP, No Headache!!


Except for step 4 (which will end up being your favorite part), THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT! The whole process should take you about 30 minutes to complete.

STEP 4 - THE LAST STEP! This is everyone's favorite step, because it is the step that makes it foolproof! It's also the step that keeps this program legal and 100%! But.... we are not going to give you this step yet....not until you send your $10 payment to the person at the top of the list above. So go ahead and send your payment, and then you can move on to the final step.

BE PREPARED TO GET EXCITED.... YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!!! Half an hour of easy work is all that's needed - no capital outlay, no postage stamps, no printing, copying or waiting, and the concept is 100% legal.

You have most likely seen or heard about this project on TV programs such as 20/20 and Oprah Winfrey, or you may have read about it in the Wall Street Journal. If not, here it is below - revealed to you in step-by-step detail. This program is by no means new. It has been in existence in many forms for at least a decade. But in the early days, it required a lot more time and effort, as well as an outlay of a few hundred dollars. However, thanks to Stormpay and the Internet, the outlay is now virtually ZERO! And what's more, the entire process is FASTER, EASIER, and MORE LUCRATIVE than it has EVER been!

To date, I have made exactly $592,720. My accountant has drawn up a cash-flow forecast in which he predicts that, within the next 12 months, I will become a millionaire just through this one business alone. Even now as I write this, I find it strange to come to terms with the fact that, like most people, I've worked hard and struggled all my life just to "get by" and then something ridiculously simple drops into my lap and immediately turns my life around completely. When I think back to all the similar emails I had previously deleted, it makes me shudder, because now I know just how close I came to missing out completely.



The business works perfectly every single time. I've never made less than $30,000 from it on each occasion. Let me assure you that this is a LEGITIMATE BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY, a perfectly legal moneymaking enterprise. It does not require you to sell anything. It does not require you to speak to your friends, family or anybody else (unless you want to). In fact, you do not need to come into contact with any people whatsoever. Anyone with a pulse can become successful and make their fortune with this system. If you follow the simple step-by-step plan exactly as it is set out below, you will likely receive up to $30,000 in cash via your Stormpay account. I know that this must sound like an outrageous claim, particularly if you've never had possession of this sort of money before, but believe me, this business works like nothing else you may have seen before in your life! By following the simple 3-step plan set out below, within a few short weeks your life will be transformed beyond all recognition! Please do not allow your initial skepticism to deprive you of certain financial success.



If you decide not to take advantage of this life-changing opportunity, I would like you to know that I sincerely respect your decision and I understand that you will have your reasons. I therefore wish you the very best of luck for the future. I am able to say this with absolute sincerity because, as you will see, if you decide to work this plan, I will not receive any financial compensation from you whatsoever. After all, I am sharing this system with you for free. However, remember life is short. Nobody has ever said that you can't have the financial freedom to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. But you must first pay the price. The price here is action; it's as simple as that! I'm very proud to be able to say that I've fulfilled my duty to my wife and children by securing their financial future in a very uncertain world, and I don't believe that any price is too great to pay for such peace of mind.



NEED PROOF? Here are just 3 testimonials from the countless individuals who decided to invest nothing more than $10 and half an hour of their time to participate in this program:



"What an amazing plan! I followed your instructions just 3 weeks ago, and I'm already up to $21,140. I'm VERY excited."

Alan Fernandez , CA



To be honest, I didn't really think anything would come of it. But when I checked my Stormpay account a week later, there was over $7,000 in it! I can't thank you enough!"

Liza M. Raleigh, NC



"I was shocked when I saw how much money came flooding into my Stormpay account. Within 3 weeks my account balance has ballooned to $23,490. At first I thought there had been some sort of error with my account!"

Richard Bennett, OH



Just a few months ago, each of these people were doing the same thing as you are at this very moment - reading this! But because they decided to follow the simple instructions given below, they are now considerably better off as a result. And there's no reason whatsoever why you can't share in this success. You've got nothing to lose, and EVERYTHING to gain!



Here's how it works:



When you send out your emails, your email address will initially be at Number 5 in the list. That's the best position it can be in at this stage if you want to make serious money. The response-rate for this program is much higher than any typical email marketing campaign for a number of reasons, which are explained later. As long as you send your emails to people who are likely to be interested in this program, on average, you can expect a response from about 25% of the people you send to. But let's be extremely conservative here and assume that you receive an average response rate of only 12.5%. . .



If you send out your email to 40 different people, you can expect at least 5 of those people to do exactly what you did (12.5% of 40 = 5). By this time, your email address will have moved up to Number 4 in the list, and this list will now have reached around 200 people (5 x 40).



Out of those 200 people, you can expect at least 25 of them to participate (12.5% of 200 = 25), so that's a further 1,000 emails (25 x 40) being sent out and your email address will have risen to Number 3 in the list.



Out of those 1,000 people, you can expect at least 125 of them to participate (12.5% of 1,000 = 125), so that's a further 5,000 emails (125 x 40) being sent out with you now at the Number 2 position.



Out of those 5,000 people, you can expect at least 625 of them to respond (12.5% of 5,000 = 625), so that's 25,000 emails (625 x 40) being sent out with YOUR ADDRESS at the Number 1 spot!



Now, out of those 25,000 people, you can expect around 3,125 of them to respond (12.5% of 25,000 = 3,125). And since you will now be at NUMBER 1 in the list, you will receive: $31,250 (3,125 x $10).



So, when your name starts to hit the Number 1 position within the next few days, it will be YOUR turn to collect the money! As the program runs the course, this money will be sent to you by a lots people just like yourself - who are willing to invest half an hour to receive around $30,000 or more in cash! When following these instructions, the first payments should arrive within a few days, and they can continue at the rate of about 100 payments per day until it completes it's course. After that time, the volume of payments begins to taper off as your email address vacates the Number 1 position.



That's all you need to do! There can be up to $30,000 in $10 payments waiting for you in your Stormpay account within the next few weeks. $30,000 for just 30 minutes work! This is real money that you can spend on anything you wish! Just deposit it to your own bank account or spend it directly from your Stormpay account!!! It's just that easy!!!



Unlike many other MLM programs, this 5-LEVEL PROGRAM costs you only $10. That's right, only $10 ONCE, which is much more realistic and provides much, much faster results. Only the first person on the list gets your $10 gift, but everyone in the list will rise to that Number 1 position as thousands of emails are being sent out. No cheating can occur (don't be fooled by claims that this system can be cheated) as Stormpay only allows one account per person. Because it is so easy, the response rate is VERY HIGH and VERY FAST - Internet email FAST, and you will start seeing dramatic results in less than one week! JUST IN TIME FOR NEXT MONTH'S BILLS!



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Fly Swatter

My mom used to say, "We're all like flies on a wall." She was referring, of course, to our complete vulnerability (as evidenced by the Katrina tragedy). She (my mom) also managed to avoid the big swatter for 88 years despite having heart attacks, cancer, and a terrible car accident at the age of 84. We just never know. So much of my life has been wasted on worrying about what might happen. One of the few good things about getting older is that you have less time to worry about the inevitable...thus the saying, "Live each day to the fullest." It seems like the fullest days for me are crammed with worries. Maybe I should live each day to the emptiest? Is that a zen thing? Just pondering (for a change). Well, this fly on the wall is going to land on some dinner.

More Katrina

I have added my blog to a list for Katrina aid. My recommended charity is The American Red Cross. As soon as I figure out how to set up links, I will add more stuff.

Katrina

I was going to write about my stuff tonight....but I can't. People have lost so much because of Katrina. My heart goes out to them.

Oh no ! Is it that time again??

I guess the term "nervous breakdown" is somewhat out-dated. For me, however it's the only suitable term for what has happened to me five times in my life. I broke down...much like an old car. I could no longer move. I'm used to a certain amount of anxiety and depression. It's been pretty much a way of life with me. That's o.k. Sometimes though, the breaking point is near. The trouble is, the warning signs are not clear. I often feel I'm on the edge, but will wake up the next morning feeling better. I just never know. There are really no particular precautions to take. My future is up for grabs. Today has been an edge day. Pretty scary. I'll see what tomorrow brings. There are lots of stressful things happening, but there are always stressful things in life. I could guess at reasons for the breakdowns, but I'll never know the truth. Sometimes I think it's just a faulty nervous system. Something misfires and VOILA...breakdown number six!! There ought to be a lemon law. I'd be the first one in line to replace the bad parts. I'd even settle for something rebuilt. I guess I'll just keep hanging tough with the other breakdownees. I know you're out there...and I do feel your pain.

A "Not So Beautiful" Mind

I've really been on the old depression/anxiety merry-go-round lately (as if I ever stepped off). I am at the mercy of my crazy mind. My favorite hobby lately is self-torment. I have made it into an art form. If it was an Olympic event, I would have a gold medal. I try say nice things to myself, but I know I'm lying. Every day I tell myself how fortunate I am in so many ways. My big misfortune is being so screwed up. I am not wallowing in self-pity, I am simply assessing my situation. As my very closest friend (now deceased) once said, "Every day is different." Somehow, that makes me feel better. It may be a different kind of torture, but it will change. Strange comfort for a strange mind. Oh well, onward and upward...or maybe sideward. Who knows.

I think, therefore I am....NOT!!!

What the hell?? I mean, who wrote that? Descartes..that's who !! Have you seen his picture? The size of his nose would be enough to prove his existence. Why has that phrase been so popular?
So what if we think and we are. Existing ain't livin'. Some people don't seem to do any thinking at all, yet sadly they seem to exist. The non-thinkers are often heads of large corporations or countries even. So here I am thinking and existing, thinking and existing..big friggin' deal. In my opinion it's a colossal waste of time to ponder one's existence. I don't think we'll ever figure out the meaning of it all, and who cares?? LIVING...that's the thing! Absorb every beautiful thing possible. Give what you're able to give, and savor every good thing that passes your way. I am not yet able to do this of course, but it's a goal...or even a quest. At my ripe old age...this is my philosophy. My emotions fight this philosophy, but my intellect knows it's the only thing that makes sense. So there!! I've said my little piece. The phrase "get a life" seems to have taken on a much deeper meaning lately.

Who am I..no really...Who am I ??

Many years ago a very pompous psychiatrist told me that I had an "as if" personality. He was a pompous, pill-pushing, arrogant son-of-a-bitch....but he was right. He told me that I related to others as if they were my parents, or somehow in charge of me. This is a kind of borderline personality thing. I was always the chameleon...blend in, don't make waves. Thirty-five years later, I'm only a tiny bit better. I have this little speck of a personality that sometimes speaks up, sometimes not. The trouble is, I usually feel "in the wrong" when I speak up for myself. I think I'm not as nice a person as people think I am. Eighty five percent of the time I don't want to do the things I am doing for others. It's true. I just have to keep the balance for my own security. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings either. I am not mean. That is one good thing about me. Also, I love animals. The truth is though, I'd just as soon keep to myself and admire things from afar. I'm not good with any kind of intimacy.....with anyone. I'm currently in the process of trying to retire from my long time job. It's scary, and I will have more time to think, but I think it's necessary. Oh well..just rambling to my blog friends. Thanks for reading !!

Warrior/Loser

O.K. Here's what I want to say tonight. I am actually crying while writing this. My psychiatrist had to write a brief history of my psychological problems for some paperwork I needed. She wrote what I considered to be a very accurate account of my past and present maladies. That having been said..it threw me for a loop. I guess in a way I've considered myself a kind of warrior. I've created a kind of emotional sword over the years to slay the anxiety/depression dragons before they completely devour me. The sword was created with humor and as much rational thought as I can muster. Well, sometimes it's tough to fight, sometimes I get ambushed. I know, I know...the dragons are me. It's all me. Why do I torture myself ? I have some of the answers. Low self esteem is one answer. Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be thinking positively. Oh yeah, and I could write down all the good stuff about me etc. Sometimes I do those things. Sometimes they help. I feel better when I do something nice for someone. All these things help some of the time....but.....there is something else. This intangible thing, this core of sadness. Could be chemical...who knows. It's always with me. I do not feel sorry for myself. I am lucky in so many ways, and for that I am thankful. I am just stating facts. I am torn between thinking I pamper myself too much and I don't pamper myself enough. When I read my mental illness biography I did not look like a warrior. I looked like a pathetic loser, and it made me sad. I suppose I could say, "Look what you've come through, and you're still here." Maybe...but right now I can't. I just think I should do better. I don't always know what better is, and if better is possible. I will, however, keep plodding on. By the way, did you know that there is such a word as "suicidality" ? I wouldn't recommend using it on a resume'. Here's to happier times.

Yikes !!

I haven't posted in over a week (as if that's not obvious from the dates on the posts). There's just so much going on. Lots of stress that will hopefully have a good outcome. Time will tell..or maybe time won't tell. Anyway, yesterday I was pondering, as I am prone (or standing) to do. It's yet another silly topic. Actually, it's about body odor. I try to be as clean as possible. I'm a terrible dresser with messy hair, but I am very clean. Why is it, then, that when I smell a bad odor I immediately suspect myself. I was in line at the supermarket and someone had terrible B.O.. It seemed to be emanating from a gentleman in the next line, yet I kept discretely trying to check my own armpits. I have never smelled like that in my entire life. I would have to not shower for three months to smell half as badly as that guy, but I continued to check myself. It was as if I was some kind of B.O. accomplice. I do it every time there's an odor. I've driven past pig farms and felt somewhat at fault for the smell. I guess it's just another low self-esteem thing. Well, no use making a big "stink" about it. (That really did stink)!!

Walk-ins aren't always welcome

I'm really fascinated by supernatural type stuff. You know, the unexplainable. UFO's, ghosts, near death experiences, why "Yes Dear" is still on the air etc. The other day I was watching unsolved mysteries and they were talking about walk-ins. Apparently these are people whose bodies were taken over by another soul. Some of them had near death experiences and came to as someone else. Others were just minding their own business when some kind of coup d'soul occurred. Anyhow these people literally felt like strangers in their own skin. Some of them insisted their families call them by a different name. Divorces ensued. It's a really complicated thing. I suppose it could be explained away as some kind of personality disorder, or just plain insanity. I wouldn't be so hasty. Many people feel better when they have answers to things that make sense to them. Nothing makes sense to me. Not from my point of reference. This whole process of life is such a mystery to me that I am open to anything. To me, that's part of the fun. It's also scary, but that's ok. I would rather be open to possibilities than cling to answers that are designed to make me secure and comfortable. If a walk-in does move into my body, I hope they buy it some nicer clothes.

Toilet Dog

Along with the scary memories of my childhood, I have some very fond memories of my adult years with my mom. My mom was a giver. If she loved you, she would do anything for you. She had a great deal of trouble relating to people in a relaxed fashion. I realized that she had some serious self esteem issues. Any emotional damage I may have suffered at her hands was not done intentionally. She was only trying to survive as best she could..like all of us. Anyhow, one of her most wonderful qualities was the giving. She was a terrific baker, and would fatten us all up with delicious cheese cakes and other goodies. She would also fall for every new gimmick that was advertised, many of which were junk that never worked. I remember her buying these travel toothbrushes for everyone. They were these plastic tubes with a toothbrush on the end. You could never squeeze any paste into the tube so they were essentially useless. We all had to tell her that we loved them. This was required with all of her gifts. If you said something didn't work she would take it personally and feel that it was somehow your fault. The path of least resistance was to say it was the best gift you had ever seen. The downside is that she would keep buying more of the same things. Of course, looking back, I wish I had kept every useless gift she ever gave me. At some point she became obsessed with wristwatches. They usually fell apart within the first month (obviously because we were wearing them wrong). I still have a few non-working watches sitting around my house. I also have talking salt and pepper shakers that she had given me. The pepper shaker will often sneeze as you walk by the cabinet. My mom loved animals, so she liked to buy presents for our pets. She had given me two of these toilet dogs for my dog, Sophie. Sophie chewed the ears off of the other toilet dog, but this one remains intact. I smile every time I look at it. I love the connection. I would do anything to have her here to hand me another non-working gift. They worked for me!!

DONE!!!

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done! I just don't know who I am, what I want, what I don't want etc. What should I expect from my partner? What should I expect from others? I'm usually willing to do favors for others. I don't mind. There are certain things that make me extremely uncomfortable. Babysitting is one of them. I will do this in certain circumstances, but generally I find it torturous. You see, I don't have a very strong sense of self, and what I do have is lost very easily. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have this problem. I have some borderline traits, and some OCD traits. I can't comfortably discuss the specifics, but it's kind of like an ongoing fear thing. Anyway, I'll usually refuse to babysit, and then feel tremendous guilt over refusing. Part of my problem is that I come off as being more together than I actually am. I'm very shaky emotionally, and I don't want to push the envelope. I've fallen apart 3 or 4 times in my life. I don't know if I could make it through another breakdown. I'm not trying to wallow in self-pity or anything, I just want to stay afloat. It's hard to get others to understand, actually it's downright impossible. So here I am, beating myself once again. Here's what I want to say- I will do whatever I can for those I love, just please understand my shortcomings, and don't expect more than I can offer. Please!!!

Oh So Popular

I was a geeky teenager. I was a chubby kid with acne who played the violin. I really needed my sense of humor. It helped me through the awkward years..which come to think of it, never ended. My looks fortunately improved to average, which is all I need. My wit and my eagerness to please everyone at any cost gained me many friends. The wit I want to keep. I'd like to lose the pleasing everyone thing. It is an unbelievably exhausting job. I must retire from this job, as I don't like the hours (approximately 17 per day, I sleep the other 7). I'd like to dissolve this corporation of one..The Please Everyone Company. I am going out of business. Not one penny to show for all those years of hard work. Instead, I am in deep emotional debt to myself. I'll have to go to the Bank of "Learning to Say No" and get a loan. It's not everyone else...it's me. My company was built on fear and guilt. No more. I'm just too tired. I will just do what I can, and only what I can. Hopefully, those I love will stay around, if only to hear the next joke.

Mortality

I've always been waiting for my own demise. I remember as far back as I could count measuring how many years I had left. I would use my mother's side of the family to predict my longevity. Most of them lived to be at least ninety. The outlook might have been grim had I used my father's side. I always took comfort in the fact that I had many years to go. It's great to be naive !! Well, I have had quite a few years, and despite the emotional problems I'm hoping for as many more quality years as I can have. When I say quality, I mean feeling physically and mentally well enough to still be able to laugh. Certain things inevitably come with age. I accept these things. Quite naturally, I fear the serious illnesses, but try not to dwell on those fears. Lately I've had a couple of minor things happen. First, (as pictured on a previous blog), viral conjunctivitis. No biggie. It was very uncomfortable, but ran its course. The latest is this skin infection (in the groin area...Yuck). There is swelling , redness, blisters, and there was a fever. It was scary enough to get me to the ER on Sunday. They said it was a staph infection (although my white cell count was normal), and put me on antibiotics. It's not that much better, but the fever is gone. Anyway, my mind started going to the fear place lately. You know...what if this is a sign of serious illness? What if it never heals?..on and on. I want to stop being afraid. Something will get me. Whether it's now, or 30 years from now. I am not religious in the conventional sense. I believe there is something after death. I have heard all the arguments. I have to come to my own conclusion. Anyway, in the mean time I want to learn to roll with the punches, because the punches will be a lot harder and more frequent as I age. This is why I'm making this entry. It's a self-help kind of thing. If you've been patient enough to read this, thanks. I wish you all the strength that I've been seeking!!

The Panic Attack-(a one-act play)

Cast of two characters: Intellect(played by me)
Emotions (played by me)

The scene: Bedroom, 12:00 AM, Tuesday morning. Characters both asleep, awake suddenly in a state of extreme terror for no obvious reason.

INTELLECT: OH NO, It's happening again!! Why??

EMOTIONS: Screaming silently..HELLLPPP !!

INTELLECT: I'm losing my mind, I can't go on, I'll end up in a mental hospital.

EMOTIONS: I'M DYING!!!!

INTELLECT:My heart's beating so fast, I'm going to have a heart attack, my body can't take this.

EMOTIONS: HELP, I'M LOST, I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM. SOMEBODY HELP ME!!

INTELLECT:You're a grown woman, get it together, don't let this happen.

EMOTIONS: IT'S HAPPENING AND YOU CAN'T STOP IT. THIS IS THE END OF YOUR SANITY!

INTELLECT: Find some alcohol and drink it, anything to stop the fear. No, just take deep breaths, try to relax.

EMOTIONS: Feeling like scared infant, still screaming silently.

INTELLECT: Looks over at gaudy ceramic poodle on nightstand (belonged to mom).
Poodle suddenly looks frightening, like ceramic poodle from hell. Heart races again.


EMOTIONS: OH NO, I'M HALLUCINATING, I'M INSANE. HELLPPP!!

INTELLECT: My pulse seems to be slowing down. Maybe it's subsiding.

EMOTIONS: NO IT'S NOT, AND IT WILL NEVER STOP!!

INTELLECT: Yes, it's definitely subsiding.

EMOTIONS: BUT IT WILL COME RIGHT BACK, AND WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!

INTELLECT: I better call my doctor tomorrow and discuss medications. I'm scared.

EMOTIONS: TOMORROW WILL BE HORRIBLE, YOU'VE FALLEN APART!!

INTELLECT: I'm exhausted.

EMOTIONS: I'M EXHAUSTED!!!

Both characters fall asleep....again.

THE END.

Viral Conjunctivitis

Pretty!! 

Here's my latest ailment. Yes, that's my left eye. I tried like hell to avoid catching a cold at work because I had scheduled a Florida trip on Memorial Day. I was going to visit my niece, her husband, and their two babies (one brand new). Well, I contracted this yucky conjunctivitis (first time ever). This is the viral kind which lasts one or two weeks. I couldn't have gotten the bacterial which responds to antibiotics in two or three days. Nope, not me, I go for the big guns. The added bonus to all this is I get to look so much more attractive than usual. Who could resist this eye? Oh well, it could be a lot worse. The thing is, it makes you feel kind of "unclean". I really do have excellent hygiene. It's the least I can do to make the world a little cleaner. I guess there's no avoiding certain things. The good news is, it's not transmitted through blogging, so feel free to read. Although, I can't promise that you won't be bored!!

Fringe Dweller

I feel that I live on the edge. The edge of madness? I don't know. Maybe that's a bit too dramatic. The edge of emotional collapse might be more accurate. It's not all that horrible. There are good and bad times. As long as the tide keeps turning, it's bearable. Lately, I've been missing the old valium and alcohol days. I used to use this mixture of the two in order to function. Of course, over the years, I developed a huge tolerance (especially for the valium). I'd need a varying amount of both substances to get through the days. I would not recommend this to ANYONE !!! I can attest to the fact that this lovely combo stops working , and then comes the withdrawal, which is pure hell. However, when it did work, it was wonderful. It was like "THE ANXIETY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!" I could work, socialize, laugh...all that good stuff; but again, the price I paid was torturous. Anyway, now I have paxil. It helps, but doesn't blot out the pain. Paxil and wine come close, which is why I have to be careful. I can't let it become a habit. Substances can be very enticing to those of us that suffer from anxiety and/or depression. However, speaking for myself (as I can't for anyone else), I have to let in some of the pain. If I don't, I will not feel as alive, and the good things won't have as much meaning.

Sunday Blues

Yesterday was a truly good day. I worked in the yard, ate good food, and had the next day off. Today I lounged around and started thinking about work at around 2:00 PM. This happens every Sunday. Yeah, I know, count my blessings etc. Work is not such a bad thing, all the cliches. Yet, every Sunday it's the same thing..work tomorrow. From 2:00 PM on it's the anticipatory mode. What will it be like tomorrow? I don't want to go into detail about my job, but suffice it to say (I hope I worded that correctly), it's frustrating. I work in a facility for the disabled. Mentally disabled. I could write volumes about this topic, but I won't. I will only say that people keep trying to come up with nice, neat solutions for problems of unfathomable depths. Very draining, and sad. In my opinion, many problems cannot be solved, but you can only try to ease some of the suffering.
Oh well, back on the merry-go-round tomorrow!

Betrayal

What is betrayal ? I mean, I know the definition, but when is something really betrayal ? Like so many things, it's not at all clear cut. Someone may feel betrayed, but it might not be the case. I guess true betrayal is when a person intends to betray another person, and then succeeds. Anyway, I think we can all agree that it's a bad thing. I feel betrayed when a person I consider a friend does something intentionally hurtful to me. The word "intentionally" is key. Of course, sometimes the people are not aware of their intent, but they should be. Otherwise, they continue to do the same hurtful things. Friendship is so important. You should love, cherish, and protect your friends, much like a marriage. If one person continually fails to honor the friendship, I guess it's time for a separation. A very sad thing. What else do we have, if not each other?

Take two tabloids, and call me in the morning

Here's an article from the Weekly World News archives:

HOW TO TELL IF YOUR PROSTITUTE IS AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL

Here, from government experts, are 10 warning signs that the prostitute you've picked up is a sinister space babe: 1. Looks too good to be true -- If that curvy cutie working the street corner is a dead ringer for Catherine Zeta-Jones, odds are the gorgeous star isn't moonlighting. A shape-shifting ET has probably adopted the form of your dream girl. 2. Out-of-date lingo -- Alien prostitutes try to fit in by using streetwalker slang -- but often use outdated terms. A hooker who sees a police car and whispers, "Cheese it, the fuzz!" likely hails from deep space. 3. Evasive about identity and origins -- Few gals in "the life" are forthcoming about their full names. But a scarlet woman who refuses even to divulge where she comes from -- vaguely describing her birthplace as "the Midwest" or "overseas" -- could be an ET. 4. Odd, hard-to-place accent. "They have trouble pronouncing the letter 'R,' " Manling reveals. 5. Unusually petite -- The average alien hooker stands roughly 5 feet tall, but may attempt to disguise her size with ridiculously high heels. 6. Sex was "unbelievable." If the encounter was "everything you've always fantasized about," chances are the memory was implanted by ETs. 7. Missing time -- If you paid for an hour with a hooker, but your watch indicates four hours have gone by, this suggests part of your memory of the encounter has been erased. 8. Seems telepathic -- A fallen woman who finishes your sentences or slips up and mentions your real name when you've given her a bogus one, is probably invading your thoughts -- and our planet. 9. Over-perfumed -- Hookers from outer space often try to mask their peculiar ET body odor. 10. Squeamish about spanking -- Terrestrial prostitutes are willing to perform virtually every sexual act if the money is right. But ETs don't like having their butts touched.

This article was from September, 2004. Now, this particular tabloid presents these articles in a very serious manner. Do you think there is one non-delusional person on the face of the earth that would believe these things? Every once in a while I have to buy this paper just to laugh at the articles. Although, maybe there is a connection between legal prostitution in Nevada and Area 51. I'll keep checking for humorous articles and will copy them to my blog for those who need a good laugh.

But My Point Is.........

Try going from being a passive person who basically takes orders to somebody trying to assert themselves. It ain't easy !! Does anyone remember that crazy Woody Allen movie Zelig? It was a pretend documentary about this guy named Leonard Zelig who had no distinctive personality. He always took on the personality of whoever he was with at the time. To make a long story short, his psychiatrist (Mia Farrow) was able to cure him. Of course for awhile he became overly opinionated and would argue about things as trivial as the weather. For instance, he got into a fist fight with someone who said it was a nice day when he thought otherwise. I am a former Zelig. I voice my opinions now, even if they are contrary to others' opinions. Yet, I am still not quite heard. This is because other people have been conditioned to believe I will always obey. When I am assertive, they see me as a disobedient child and become upset with my behavior. I will usually back down at that point because I am filled with so much guilt. That's how I operate. It's a no-win situation for me. I also get accused of not caring if I don't always put my own needs aside for certain significant others. That also sucks. There has to be some kind of balance. I need the balance. I am getting drained and tired.

Worthwhile Reading

I have to admit it, I frequently read the Star and the Enquirer. I can't help it. There is always a certain amount of shame involved when I buy them. I usually place them upside down on the checkout counter (pretending to make the barcodes more accessible to the cashier). It's just so relaxing to read the latest scoop (true or not) about all the celebrities. There are no big words to decipher and there are lots of pictures too! Sometimes, when I'm really desperate for a laugh, I'll buy something even trashier, like The Sun, or The U.S. News. One of the latest headlines was "ALIEN BIBLE FOUND". Guess who these aliens worshipped??? OPRAH. Well..why shouldn't they? One of my favorite stories was the baby born with the Elvis tatoo. I also liked the one about the dog-faced girl with the 200 I.Q. . I guess she had to sacrifice something to be that intelligent. I wonder if there's even one person in the world who would even believe those stories? Even so, I think there will always be a need for these papers. Just read about all the really terrible stuff going on in the world, and then grab a copy of the Sun to see what those wacky aliens are doing.

Self Perceptions and Such

People generally tell me that I am too hard on myself. Maybe so, but I feel I must be vigilant in order to keep myself in line. I'm basically a lazy, self-serving, hedonist. I'm also quite immature. These are the facts. I want to be a good, unselfish, person. I do my best to empathize with others and be helpful. Sometimes I fall short, so I try to do better. I do not delude myself by thinking that I am "just swell" the way I am. Hopefully, I will keep trying to improve until the day I die. What really amazes me is that some people seem to be clueless as to who they are and their motivations. There are some that brag about their honesty, intelligence, generosity, on and on...ad nauseum. These are usually the self-deceivers. The people that don't know their own agendas. I see them all the time. They go from day to day playing their little game of life. Their game is the denial game. They deny their mistakes, their lies, sarcasm, anger, all negativity. Their deceptions may be crystal clear to those around them, but they do not notice. How unfortunate...for them, and those around them. I'd rather feel the pain of introspection then go through life blindly hurting others.

Just Keep Laughin'

What can I say? I must blog. My mind has been blank for a very long time. Maybe all my life. Who can say? But yet, I must blog. I don't want this to be another endeavor left behind. I enjoy this. It's me. Just an endless stream of ramblings, ponderings, nonsensical thoughts, feelings, on and on. I can't help but try to be entertaining. I guess everyone wants to be acknowledged. Oh well, maybe I can come up with some kind of daily laugh. How about "Today's Absurdity". There is always something ridiculous to write about. Another topic that never ends might be "The Pope Today". I could give a daily report on the antics of the new Pope. For instance..."the pope had pancakes for breakfast today, or ..the Pope needs a new hat. I mean, the media coverage just isn't enough, really ! Whatever..I will continue to write, much to the dismay of some, and hopefully the enjoyment of at least one person besides myself.

A Different Sort of "Ho"

You know what? I grew up in the "free love" era. Sex,drugs, rock'n roll, and all that stuff. Luckily, there was no aids epidemic. I was a confused sort at the time. I still am, but not about my sexuality. As Woody Allen once said, "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best !" I found that to be true, but the encounters were brief, and the emptiness remained. It was much easier to have sex, than to have a meaningful conversation. In an ideal relationship, you have it all. In many relationships, the sex is gone. That's not good, but it's worse to lose the connection. That intangible thing that drew you to this person. Part of the whole love thing is that you feel as important to your partner as they are to you. That brings me to my latest idea. Love-ho's. People who, for a small fee, would provide you with a short term, empathetic, relationship. There would be no sex involved, just a short interval where another person would just listen and care. I don't mean a therapy type thing where it is assumed that you are trying to change. I mean someone who will accept you for who you are, and like you anyway. I believe there is a need for this type of service. O.k., so it's not plausible, but a good idea just the same. As always, feedback is welcome (so is empathy).

Surgery Update

My Sophie had surgery the other day for her previously mentioned mass. The vet said the surgery went "excellently" in that she was able to remove the entire mass. She also said that even if the results come back malignant that she would consider the surgery curative. I'd like to think so because Sophie is 11, and I don't want to put her through chemo or radiation. I'll just hope for the best.

My Sophie Dog

I love my dog. In one of my previous posts, I wrote about her being attacked by the neighbor's dogs, and her recovery from the puncture wounds. Well, the other day I noticed this strange lump in the area of her healed wounds. I thought it might have been some kind of infection, so I took her to the vet. The vet said that it was some kind of "mass". That's a word none of us wants to hear, especially about a loved one. She mentioned mast cell tumors, which I, of course, looked up on the internet. Anyway, Sophie has surgery scheduled for this Thursday. They will do a biopsy to see if it's malignant. If it is, they will grade it and decide upon a course of treatment. A familiar procedure I have gone through with both my mom and my partner. Sophie is 11 years old. She is a senior dog. My other animals have lived to ripe old ages (2 dogs lived to be 18 and my cat was 22). I'm hoping the same for Sophie, but I don't want to put her through hell. I'm trying that zen thing of living in the moment, only the moment doesn't seem so pleasant right now. I'll try to hope for the best.